Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful

Well I just passed the 90 day mark and I guess I am doing well...got a job (part time but it's one I really enjoy), really like my therapist, I've been training for a half marathon, spending some time with my best friend and even stayed sober at a bar and a Red Sox game.
I haven't been going to meetings, which a lot of people think is a mistake. Maybe it is, I don't know. I have a really bad habit of having a bad attitude and wanting to do things my way. And AA isn't really my cup of tea, too much God talk for my taste.
I guess my method of recovery is just say no. If you can even call that a method. I just don't allow myself to drink or I resist the urges as they come. Normally I am pretty happy when I resist and when I am in a good frame of mind I am perfectly content with not drinking.
At first I really didn't have any desire to drink. Not after everything that happened leading up to rehab. It just wasn't worth it, and it was all fresh in my mind.
And I mean it still is but at the same time I feel like a lot has changed. I am in a better place, I am back living in Boston and no longer 2 hours away from everything and everyone I know. I have turned down drinks on several occasions and not struggled as much as I thought I would.
Someone suggested, not for the first time, that perhaps I am not really an alcohol, and that's also what most of my family continued to say even after everything that led up to rehab. And obviously drinking was a huge issue but I can't stop myself from justifying that maybe it was everything else that was the issue an that now that I am in a better place I could drink.
I don't know, part of me is like why risk it, after everything alcohol has caused me to do. Part of me doesn't miss it, doesn't miss the hang overs, the empty calories, the nights I can't remember, the embarrassment, the depression...all of it...
I don't miss drinking alone, I don't miss blacking out or not remembering how I got places...I don't want to go back to that but it would be nice to just have a drink at the end of a long day, or while watching a game. Like today, I got texts from friends and cousins about going out to watch the game somewhere, I worked all morning and took a 4 hour test this afternoon and I can't tell you how much I'd love to kick back with a beer, relax and watch the game.
There is that fairly illogical thought of "Well I've gone 3 months, even gone to bar, and a party and to Fenway and I didn't drink. Don't I deserve a couple drinks?" I am starting to get into that frame of mind where I am thinking that "in moderation" cant hurt even tho that really isn't a possibility and even if it was, my parents have made it clear that if I want to live here I cant drink but I don't think they take my alcoholism seriously, or maybe I am just projecting.
I don't know, I guess the fact that the Bruin's are in the playoffs and it's June and it's time for nights at Fenway and my friends are returning home or visiting Boston for the summer is kind of catching up with me. I am feeling like I am missing out, feeling left out and missing certain kinds of drinking. The kind when I keep it in control, when I just have a few...and I feel like I could really do that and I can't get rid of those thoughts and know they're dangerous ones to have.
I learned enough in rehab to know that this kind of thinking is what leads to a relapse but I am not sure how to stop it. I did have to cancel my therapist Appt this week, maybe that's part of it. Maybe it's the fact that I had a 4 hour exam today, maybe it's just having dinners and work functions and graduation parties coming up in the next couple weeks... I guess it's a lot of things.
My relapse prevention plan involved reaching out to people friends or family but I don't really feel comfortable doing that. I know that's the aspect of AA that would be helpful for me, is having that fellowship and outreach but I am not one to ask for help. I pretty much exclusively talk to you guys or my therapist, people who aren't really involved in my inner world, if that makes sense. I guess I'm not sure what to do or how to stop myself from this line of thinking... I know I'll regret a relapse but at the same time I can feel it coming and am not sure how to stop myself and turn around.