Originally Posted by
2granddaughters 
It isn't so much right now what you "want" to do, it's what you "should" do to get on the beam and stay there.
It's all right there in AA's HOW IT WORKS for me. The longer I'm around the more important AA is.
I wish you the best, F.F. I have no idea how you stay dry and peaceful without regular AA meetings.
Take care.
Bob R
Well Bob I think it's catching up with me
I am falling back into old habits I am not going to meetings. I am not running. I am starting to rationalize drinking again. I am isolating. I am taking a double dose of Benadryl every night to sleep. I have had a major shift in my attitude about drinking and recovery and the truth is that's probably because I can't really do it on my own and I refuse to accept that because I have had success thus far doing it "my way" but my way has always less to a relapse every single time even if it takes longer to get to that point this clearly isn't working but I don't know that AA will work either half the time I get so anxious leading up to going I am craving a drink to calm me and half the time when I leave I want one even more and there in lies my major attitude problems