Justfor1

Just put the "plug in the jug" and call it a day. Stop now before it becomes daily bender type drinking which I think you have experienced before? You are not weak. I relapsed 1,246 times but continue trying.

Dee74

I did the same thing to myself many many times Fenway because I simply didn't want things to be the way the were - I was, and am, an alcoholic.

You're young, you're smart, and you've been here before.
Use all that to stop this now.

Don't let this bottle of wine be the start of another trek lost in the wilderness - there's still time to stop and ask for help

I know you have numbers to call - use them, FF

D

FenwayFaithful

I feel awful today. Instead of waking up feeling refreshed and ready for the day I woke up and ran to the bathroom which is I am sure the only running I will be doing today. I forced myself to get up and go to my therapist appointment, I told her I relapsed, and she wasn't particularly surprised, we both saw the signs, she pointed them out to me and we discussed how to prevent this in the future.
My plan was pretty much Just Don't Do It. But I don't really know how well that works for anyone but I guess since I don't truly think I am an alcoholic/addicted to it I thought I could get away with it. But I don't think recovery is just about not drinking, that's more or less how I have been treating it, but it's more than that, it's about fixing things that led to the alcohol abuse in the first place. And I assume that's what the steps focus on. It can't hurt to go I just have such a **** poor attitude and I hear the stories about people who were just like me and they didnt get better until that changed.
I am just so negative. For the past couple weeks, ever since I hit 90 days for some reason, I have just been waiting for the relapse half in dread and half in anticipation. My line of thinking last night was its going to happen eventually so why not just do it now? Just get it over with...
And it wasn't even fun. I just felt stupid and sad and sick and I couldn't focus. I didn't do anything stupid minus the drinking itself (and a couple hits of weed which is far from the worst thing I've done) and smoked too many cigs and could not focus on the game...it would have been a more enjoyable night if i were sober, that's the funny thing. Drinking just wasn't fun...I just thought it would be different I guess, I remember having fun when i drank but I didn't get that last night. I had WAY more fun the last few times I'd hung out with my best friend WITHOUT drinking and I feel like **** for completely lying to her and telling her I had decided to start drinking again because I could control it now, I completely downplay my drinking problem to everyone who is involved with me in real life.
I could have called someone last night. I could have gone to a meeting. I could have told my friend I was feeling weak and she would have come over to my place and we would have had a great time watching the game and playing with my puppy and catching up but instead I agreed to go to a bar and watch the game there when she specifically asked if that was okay because last she knew I wasn't drinking and I went ahead and said I was in fact drinking.
I posted on another site I belong to that I was going to relapse before I even did, this site is in no way shape or form a recovery site but I had several comments from people within minutes encourgaing me to be strng, to not drink, I had people giving me their numbers saying please call me, I could have done that but I didn't. I let the bottle rule my mind and I drank. I started drinking days ago really. I knew this was coming. I knew it.
But now I feel like I am starting over. Like this is square one again. I can't believe I am on mother f***ing day one again. I am so p/o'd at myself, made it 90 days for the first time and got cocky. 90 days isn't really anything and I thought like oh 3 months out of rehab and drinking every damn day and passing out a 2:30 in the afternoon 2 days after I have to drop out of school move out of my apartment and back in with mommy and daddy with the one condition of NO DRINKING and I think after being there and all the other s*** suddenly something has changed after 3 months? I mean really?
And now I'm so angry and I know now the risks are so high for relapse because I already drank I already f***Ed up so now it's like well I'm just gonna do it again, I'm just gonna screw up again, what's the point of trying? It's a p*** poor attitude to have and like I said drinking it wasn't even fun, it sucked, I feel like s*** but now it's like I am starting over, it's like without that sobriety behind me, I feel like it's harder not to relapse the next time, if there's a next time which I hope there isn't but really I am weak and I don't know...it doesn't make sense considering how bad I feel right now that I would feel like my risk of relapsing again is higher but on one side it feels that way on the other I am like f*** that but now it's like oh I have nothing to lose cos I already lost it by picking up last night.
This post is all over the place because I am all over the place, always, always there is this huge debate in my head this constant fight and last night I let that crappy side win and it was fed and now it's at full force but so is the other side of me, the side that wants to stay sober, both were ignited by this and both are stronger, which just makes me even more crazy.
Somehow I both want to be sober more than ever now but I also want to drinking more than I have in a long time.

OneLessLonely

I have been racking my brain since reading your post last night for the right thing to say. I haven't figured out what that is, but I wanted to let you know that I am sad for what you're going through. In just the last year since I've been here, you've gotten so much great advice and information on how to beat this thing. I think all thats left is for you to decide to put it into practice, even though it's not your way. Its like you've been trying to force a square block into a round hole, when the square hole has been pointed out to you. I hope you can channel the anger that you relapsed and the memory that it wasn't worth it ino permanent sobriety.

DaveT

I have seen many people die from alcoholism , one friend always kept trying it out , and one day he never came back , so many lives destroyed I dont want that just for today Alcoholism is a Terminator it absolutely will not stop until i am Dead !

Soberpotamus

From you latest post, it seems you are just not ready to stay sober. Am I right? The debate inside your head still rages. I'd suggest being completely honest with yourself about your drinking, its consequences, and what you want for yourself.

FenwayFaithful

It's not that I don't want to, it's that I am not sure how.

I don't think I am addicted to alcohol but if I continue to drink it won't be long until I am and then it will be 10 times harder to achieve sobriety. That is what makes this relapse and my drinking so incredibly pathetic.

People who are Truly Addicted to alcohol or drugs worse than alcohol beat their addictions every day, people who don't have the resources or the support or the oppurtunities that I am blessed with, people who face lives much tougher than my own whose addction I am sure is not only much stronger but much harder to resist given live stresses.

And yet here I am 24 years old, with pages upon pages of fantastic heart felt advice from people who have lived such live people who have been where I am and much much worse, people who I know are right, years of the same old ********.

I may not be an alcoholic but I am headed down that road if I continue to drink. I was lucky enough to catch it early to have the chance to stop this before it two everything, I know all of this but then I go and I challenge myself to something I know I am not ready for, something I know I cannot get through without a drink, for what? I sacrificed my sobriety and put it all on the line to get drunk and feel like s*** and do everything that recovery has taught me not to do.

I have no excuse , no comfort and no justification for my own incredible stupidity. I made that choice last night. Each and every day prior to this I have made the choice to be sober with some days harder than others but I have done it and it has been good. But last night I chose differently and now I live with the consequences.

I don't want to drink anymore, I really don't. But I don't know how to do so meant things when I am sober, and it scares me. But that's no excuse. If I truly can't do something sober like go on a date, which is why it was last night, then I shouldn't go at all. I should not even be dating considering I am not ready and it is stress I cannot handle.

I feel like such a low life loser. I want to cry I want to tell my parents what I did so they can kick me out into the street where I probably fraking belong. After all the **** they have done for me I could have thrown it all away last night to get fresking drunk all so I could go on a double date with someone I am not even really interested in when I knew I could not do it sober.

But I can't avoid everything forever. Dates may be easy to avoid for now but there are things and triggers and situations I will be faced with every day where I will want to drink, feel like I need to drink to get through and that's where it gets scary.

The how do I get through this sober, when parents die or some other life difficult arises. I DON'T want to drink I seriously don't I hate it, I hate it but I love it but I hate it more than I love it. I hate what it does to me and I don't want to do it anymore but then I think how, how can I get through things when I can't drink?

Becsuse I am weak and I am pathetic, absolutely pathetic and incapable of dealing with things and I keep waiting for the problem I can't solve where I turn to alcohol or worse becaue I can't deal, but that's ridiculous, I am choosing to "deal" by drinking which isn't even freaking dealing

But I am just scared scared that every Fukin day could be the day I pick up again, scared because even tho the choice is mine, even tho I am entirely to blame for my own stupidity I am always scared of the choice I face to drink or not to drink every day , scared of all the days I will choose the wrong way.

I guess I just feel hopeless because I want so badly to just not drink no matter what under any circumstances I want that so badly I swear I do I would be thrilled to never ever drink again in my life ever, I want to take all your advice but I just don't know how. I don't know how to say no all the time but I want to so badly.

I want to be done and I am I am but then I worry about the day where something happens when I won't be and I think why not just sabotage myself now, it's such a stupid and silly way to think but it's just how I am

Soberpotamus

I hear you saying you are weak, pathetic... and that ultimately, you doubt your ability to stay sober in all situations. Is this right? And that you might NOT be an alcoholic YET...

Well, given all that you've shared... let's just say you are not technically an alcoholic... though the definition isn't so clear... and there are differing "models", one being the disease model, and so on...

Given all your angst and low feelings associated with your drinking... let's just bypass the question of whether you are truly an alcoholic... and say, you have problems and consequences when you drink... and it seems it would be better for you NOT to drink, because you can't seem to drink without the bad consequences... right??

Then I see you using the excuse that you are weak, stupid, pathetic... no will power, etc... that these are qualities within you that prevent you from staying sober, right?

So, you want and need to stop drinking. Yet you don't think you are capable of it.

How then do you explain all those alcoholics and addicts, and I mean FULL blown, no doubt about it alcoholics... how are those people able to stop? Surely they are even weaker and more pathetic than a 24 year old??

See where I'm going with it?

You have enough serious consequences to your drinking to warrant you quitting forever, to prevent further progression of your alcoholism. -AND- These are excuses on your part that you won't be able to stop. They are irrational. They don't hold water.

We know for a fact many, many alcoholics can and do stay sober.

You CAN do it. And from what I've read, you need to.

Work on your plan of support.

DaveT

Its my experience that you don't become a chronic alcoholic by drinking more. Alcohol is just one of many methods i used to try to treat my Alcoholism. Alcoholism doesn't come in Bottles and Bags , it comes in People. One of the very first and most important decisions i had to make was....I Want to Stop....and I am prepared to go to any lengths to do that. The Only Requirement for AA membership is a Desire to stop drinking , no one could do sobriety for me , the amount of misery in my life depends on how much I work with the solution offered....for years i blamed my drinking on people and circumstances , but througout all those years i never got Drunk Accidently , nobody held me down and poured it down my throat , when i first got sober i really didnt want to be an alcoholic... Im not like those people i said ! But I had to concede to my innermost self... That i was and there is a solution....i tried everything not to be ....If you want to stop there are millions like us who prove it can be done , AA works for me , it may not work for others , but it does work. Ill just give an example here of the difference between an Acute Alcoholic and a Chronic Alcoholic , which one we are affects the course of the rest of our lives. A man was in a long term relationship , he truly loved the woman but drank heavily and often, the woman says i want to marry you but this drinking has to stop, he really wants to be with her , so he puts the plug in the jug and his drinking problem is over , his un manageability stops when he quits drinking, the chronic alcoholic on the other hand cannot quit no matter how bad things get , no matter the consequences , once he takes the first drink there is a phenomenon of craving that sets off a drinking binge where no matter how much he drinks its never enough , once started he cannot stop by will power alone , nor can he stay stopped permanently. ( referrence material Doctors Opinion Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.) Once stopped the chronic alcoholics un manageability begins..My life is unmanageable with or without alcohol...To begin the sober journey all that was required of me was Willingness to try...So many wonderful people here to guide you along the way.....Its like being trapped in a burning building and the fireman holds out his hand and says " come with me , i will show you the way out of this....." Take the hand and walk out of the fire , the air out here is really nice ! " Dave.T

DaveT

Oh I just remembered something that really made me sit up and listen...AA is not for people who want it or need it , its for people who DO IT ! . Made me realize no matter how good my intentions if i don't take the action....I don't get the results ! This was probably why when I told old timers " I really WANT what you have " they were silent !

waynetheking

Fenway....just surrender and quit fighting this. Walk away from it. Beleave it or not its just that simple. Your alcoholic brain is making this way to complicated for yourself. Just give up the fight with king alcohol. Then guess what?....you win.

ReadyAtLast

Your internal battle is raging. Your AV is trying to convince you you aren't x,y or z and you don't really have a problem.

Your whole post is full of classic 'beast' thinking from AVRT/Rational Recovery. You want to stop but you don't want to.

I tried to convince myself I wasn't an addict/had a problem/an alcoholic.Then I realized whatever the probem was,it WAS a problem. If it wasn't a problem I wouldn't be thinking about it like this day and night. I read AVRT/RR and tried not to think about the future and 'what if'. For me,just concentrating on now works.

OneLessLonely

I have no doubt that you WANT to. But many people here have shared HOW to. Keep trying all the ways, 100%, adding, subtracting, and combining until something works. You cannot rule anything out. Every time you fail, add something you haven't tried, even something you don't want to try. Because its that important. And if you WANT to enough, there will be no reasons, no excuses, not to do any particular thing for your sobriety. (Feeling left out, feeling lonely, feeling shy.) I think its important to be honest with those closest to you about how hard this is for you, especially when you're struggling, stopping dating, stopping hanging out with friends who drink, even telling your parents you cant go to family parties with drinking when you're not feeling strong, going to AA, getting a sponsor, working the steps, trying other sober meetings, believing any thought you have that promotes drinking is your addictive voice and not how you truly feel, getting more sober hobbies, trying new nonalcoholic drinks, treating yourself with nonalcoholic treats. This is how you do it. Embrace the suck. Commit to yourself to do the things for your sobriety that you may not want to do, no matter what. Or else you may very well end up one day not realizing the lightswitch changed to full blown physically addicted, no friends, no family, no job, no health, no license, alcoholic. Think if everything you have right now and imagine it evaporating into thin air. Imagine how hard it will be then. And what you would have gained by continuing to try to moderate. Nothing. You can do it.

trailrunrbyday

Jennie thank you for the suggestion. I have also just ordered a copy through Amazon and although I am still actively drinking I hope to pack this book in a suitcase to take to rehab with me if I am fortunate enough to get there.

Soberpotamus

Glad to hear it, trailrunr... and I do hope you make it to rehab!