Originally Posted by
FenwayFaithful 
I am falling back into old habits I am not going to meetings. I am not running. I am starting to rationalize drinking again. I am isolating. I am taking a double dose of Benadryl every night to sleep. I have had a major shift in my attitude about drinking and recovery and the truth is that's probably because I can't really do it on my own and I refuse to accept that because I have had success thus far doing it "my way" but my way has always less to a relapse every single time even if it takes longer to get to that point this clearly isn't working but I don't know that AA will work either half the time I get so anxious leading up to going I am craving a drink to calm me and half the time when I leave I want one even more and there in lies my major attitude problems
F.F., go to your meeting and ask one of the oldtimers if you can talk to them for a few minutes. Print out your post above and read it to them....
Any of the oldtime girls will tell you that they were just like that too in the beginning and to keep coming ... that you will get over that hump and back on higher ground soon.
I have to be at the meetings regularly to hear the truth from the oldtimers. Left on my own I falter and backslide.
All the best.
Bob R