Fifty - Or a Penny Saved is a Life Earned

Well I am starting this blog because for ages now I have wanted to type out what I have been experiences since September of 2007. It's more or less to clear my conscience out hoping that it will allow for a lot of healing and growth. Moreover, it is to share my experience with the rest of you who have gone through or are going through this thing we call 'life'.

First and foremost I have been drinking since 1996. It is now 2008 so, going on 12 years almost. 'Almost' being the key....hey we have to hold onto what little we have right? I know why I started, my graduate school teachers in my theater program who said I was the last in the class. It then went on from there. I chose to be in a relationship with a woman who put me through some bad times (ie. the constant yelling, breaking things, giving me the alermatem to propose to her, etc...) It takes two to tango, but honestly from my part, I allowed someone to make me the kind warm hearted person I use to be into a man who was self-conscious and yelled. Furthermore, after I was sucked dry, I was walked on like a door mat and when I finally got up, I had forgotten completely who I was. Yes folks, I had no....NO self...let alone self awareness. Sometimes I would find who I use to be in a liter of vodka but then would spin out of it quickly.

I have drank from my days of living in the Midwest all the way abroad to London, France and Germany and then back down to New Orleans and to the West Coast. Yes, I graduated with several degrees, including a PHD (Poor Helpless Drunk) in Jim Bean, Vodka, oh shoot, whatever would get me lit like a match in a firestorm.

Jumping ahead, Hurricane Katrina hit in my hometown of good ole' New Orleans and that's when the mess hit the fan. I lost everything including a home but most importantly, all my family photos, nothing to show anyone including kids I would like to have in the future. I can never say, "here was your great grandmother" or "here was the bible your great grandfather owned". Forget the furniture! It was the simple things like my first letter from my first high school girlfriend. *sighs*

So, I packed up from a great job in Hollywood and found my mother living in a hotel room for a month and a half. Yes, we were both listed as 'missing' on Red Crosses website for a long time. I moved to Alabama with her and have been here since 2006. And it has been a ride.

I have drank myself into such a state that once I broke my nose, split my lip open, fractured my tail bone and scratched up my face really bad. I don't remember the ER visit but the next morning I checked myself into a psych ward in November of 2007). It taught me in that week and some days a lot....and I met a lot of individuals who had it worse off than I ever had it. So I can only say, "it could be worse" and feel the shock of some of the stories I had heard. I also found myself as an A+ student in our daily social activities and talks and even better at understanding the worksheets; especially those that dealt with looking for approval from others. Needless to say I got out a week before my birthday in October and was doing great. UNTIL.....I tried to check myself into an outpatient rehab program for drug and alcohol abusers. Talk about getting a run-around. It took me weeks and weeks of going around in a circle and wasting gas just to get my old files from the psych ward sent over to the rehab. Hell, I felt like having a drink after all that. And I did. Back to the psych ward for more handout's and seeing the same counselors and more pills to help 'ease the pain.' Then I left...

So I started going to rehab finally and once again, I excelled at participation. Mostly all of the group were on court order to be there for either having more than three DUI's in a month or losing their child. However, I became great friends with them all. Now, in this three month time (Nov - to now January) I had been taking many medications. I've been on more than at least ten now including seroquil, Paxil, Lexapro, Serodal, shots of Benadryl, lithium) and nothing worked. I had not slept for ages, and I'm talking not a wink. Furthermore, I had met 6 different women who all gave me the exact same heartache. Either they lied about being married, lied in general, or were already dating someone but didn't know how to tell me except through an email or text message AFTER I took them out on several occasions. Talk about a swirl of thoughts going on in my head! I would leave rehab feeling as if nothing was being solved except for them taking $25.00 out of my pocket every week to play cards for two hours or color five days a week and I was not having it....so I quit! I felt like a victim of the system....and of the world. I was down to my last few pennies of consciousness.

Now let's jump to February 6th of 2008. I have not been drinking and being a Catholic, decided that I would learn during this Lenten season more about fasting and more about God. Thus, seeing as though I couldn't sleep anyways, I began to submerse myself in books and the Bible and research on the internet and praying and watching tons of videos of the history of Jesus, etc. It is how I found this website again. On Holy Saturday, March 22nd, I was leaving a 2 hour nightly vigil/Mass. I did not feel well so instead of endangering myself and others while driving, I pulled over into a parking lot of a drug store. A few moments later a cop showed up. I asked him to call the ambulance because I had been diagnosed with a heart disease and was ill. I even puked. Well, instead of doing that, they called me the "n" word, told me I wasn't a good Catholic, got onto their megaphone in the car and started going, "whoop whoop" and laughing, took my cell phone and just my ignition key, and then left right before saying, "I'm tired, let's go get something to eat." Once again, an instance that made me want to drink. But, life offers choices for you and what I have learned is the same people that 'cause' you to drink are the same ones that will laugh at you and point when you are down on the ground. The same ones that will ask you for help, are the very same ones (not all) that will not return your call when you are in need.

It has been a good year so far but as I posted in the forums today, I have felt empty. All the time that these instances have been going on since last year I have tried to pull myself out of the darkness and I can see the light. My head hurts from all the drinking, my heart hurts from all the bad relationships, and my soul hurts because it has forgotten what it is like to be confident and be happy. As someone said today, "it took a long time for you to get yourself into this predicament, it will take you a long time to get yourself out of it." So true...

Well, I feel better that I started this and will be jotting down my thoughts on a daily basis. I can only aspire for the following things now though: to re find myself and what made/makes me happy (besides alcohol), how to deal with problems w/o drinking, and working on rebuilding my career which will all equal a brighter future. And now an original poem from me to me and also to you (smiles)

I am saving up these few pennies...
although at times they seem to be the last...
they represent a starting point,
to build upon...from my broken past.
I sewed the holes up in my pockets...
I'll reach down one day and smile...
to feel more than just pennies, but fifty cents to last awhile.
Then that shall be dollars, and who knows where that will grow,
but I will not spend my savings
on liquor anymore.
I shall invest it like a wiseman...
in things that will not cause me strife...
because in the end you have yourself,
and you only have this life.

~Fifty~ For all the harm I've ever caused anyone and for the forgiveness I should have given but didn't....it's time for me to move on and