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Old 07-21-2005, 05:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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How Do I Save My Babies?


I sit here drunk and crying....
My kids hate me so much! They are 11 and 12.
I don't mean to be the way I am!!! I've done it ALL to get better , but I can't! I'm gonna die a drunk! That's ok...but how do I save my kids????
GOD! I can't believe the poor babies have to go through this crap. They won't go to meetings...I want them to understand!!!! I don't mean to be ME! I don't want to hurt them.
I never "hurt" them (thank God I don't do that kind of thing)....but they are hurt!
So sorry...I'm freakin'....I'm lost...and I just want my kids to be okay!
Will they be ok?
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Old 07-21-2005, 05:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Jazz,

Welcome! I don't think you can do much to make your kids understand at this time and it's understandable at the ages they are, that they don't want to go to meetings. They most likely think that they shouldn't have to deal with this stuff and are just angry. Perhaps over time they will develop some perspective on the situation.

But, you need to take control of your part in the situation and stop drinking. That is what you can do. Then, your kids will see the positive change and respond to that. Just don't drink today, take small steps and don't be overwhelmed with 'forever'. If I did it, you can too and we're here to offer support.

Love, Anna
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Old 07-21-2005, 05:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
I've done it ALL to get better
What have you done? In my experience, we have to be willing to go to any lengths to get sober. For me, that meant a complete and total life change. I went to and inpatient treatment center, when I left there I went to at least one meeting a day for months, I got a sponsor and started working the steps. I was honest with myself and others about what was really going on with me. Most of all, I had to realize that I was NOT unique. My problems were no better or worse than anyone else's and I simply could NOT pick up a drink, even if my a$$ fell off (as others here often say...).

As far as your kids go, I honestly don't know if they are going to be okay. I know it can be extremely difficult for a child to see their parent destroy themselves. It is also hard for them to see a substance being more important to their parent than them.

I am not saying these things to be mean. I am saying them because I believe you CAN do this and you don't have to die a drunk. No one has to die a drunk. Like you, I used to believe I would NEVER be able to quit, yet here I am, 17 months clean and sober today. If I could do it, then so can you.

Hugs--
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Old 07-21-2005, 06:33 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jazz
....I'm lost...and I just want my kids to be okay!
Will they be ok?
Hi Jazz, and hugs, from one drunk to another.
Of course, your kids are going to be okay. You're the one fighting the beast that's slowly eating your soul away, not them.
I share the tear in your avatar, because my kids, although a little younger, probably have had the same sadness in their precious hearts.

We hear the word surrender a lot in the rooms, right?
Even when I was sober for fifteen months, that never sunk in completely.
I'll share something a very good friend of mine here at SoberRecovery emailed me yesterday...

Quote:
The only thing I can suggest is to turn in your spurs and hang up your
gunbelt.. you looked in the cylinder lately?.. your out of ammo.
You truly want it? Then the fight stops today.
And you offer your gratitude for the breath in your lungs, in exchange for whatever it is that will give you the first sober 24.
I, and countless others will do that today. Join in, Jazz.
It's easier together.
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Old 07-21-2005, 06:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Well...

you can save yourself. Keep trying to stay sober.

Pray Go to meetings Pray Read the BB Pray

It easy to sit around drunk and cry.
It is hard to do the work required for recovery.

You can do this...just stay sober today.
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Old 07-21-2005, 06:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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(((Jazz))) Oh hon , you only have to stay sober for one 24 at a time. Keep going to meetings, reaching out, and do *anything* it takes to stay sober. Life will get so much better for you and your kids and you will be amazed with the results. Don't give up!

Prayers for you sweetie!
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Old 07-21-2005, 07:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I share in your pain Jazz.I am almost in the same boat.My g/f is pregnat and I am a drunk.Close to loseing my job,my family.I just got out of a detox program becouse I cant seem to stop myself alone.I have to get beter so I not destroy this soul I am bringing into the world.I have a friend who is same as you,his daughter was mad and said I dont like you drunk all the time.I can tell you she is already going down the hard road of life with drugs and alchol.Kids will repeat what the parents do.Please get help not just for your kids but for Yourself!!
hugs and prayers go out to you to get well.
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Old 07-21-2005, 01:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Jazz,
I usually post on the F&F forum but your post struck me....Obviously, you love your kids, or you wouldn't be posting about them. As Anna said they are at an age where they just don't understand what Alcoholism "the disease" means. My ex is an alcoholic and my 2 boys 14 & 16 didnt even understand, they viewed my ex simply as "a drunk."
They would beg me to get rid of him, I had no idea how much his drinking bothered them. He isn't my sons father. They had very little tolerance for him when he was drunk. I knew that I had to do something, as I did not want my boys to be around the insanity all the time. Unfortunately, he is still drinking, but he is out of my families lives. I guess what I am trying to say is this...if not for yourself, please do it for your kids, they deserve a mom, preferably one that is sober. I will say a prayer for you and your children....
Love, Patty
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Old 07-21-2005, 02:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You CAN :)

Dear Jazz,

I am the daughter of a drug addicted mom. I loved my mom so deeply, I can't even tell
you... I am 37 now, and ALSO an addict mom. See history repeats itself, in alot of families, most I hear.
Growing up was extremely confusing, my mom was a prescription pill addict, I believe now that her drug of choice was everything and anything she could get her hands on. I think they didn't know as much back then about addiction and the psyc. doctors just gave her more, and more and more meds. She seemed to have an endless supply. She also went VERY often to the mental health ward, very often.
So you see, my mom was gone alot to the hospital, but when she was home, she was also emotionally not there for us either most often. I remember some lucid times in her life, when she did know what was going on, but most of the time not.
I also grew up fiercely protective of my mom, and never wanting anyone to see her, I very rarely had friends over, in the house. I left as often as possible as a teen.
y mom was viewed by everyone as a sweet little girl, not a grown woman who was a mom and a wife. My father had his hands full.
It has taken me a drinking problem, an eating disorder, and a drug addiction to come to terms with my life, and my mom. I could not deal with the fact that she was an addict. Even when I was being treated a few times for drug addiction. It has taken me a long time, and alot of heart ache. My mom has died now. She died when she was 46, and ya know what, that about pushed me over the edge.
I loved my mom more than anything and anyone growing up. I know now that she did the best she could do, but my mom was incappable of changing, so she died an addict.
You don't want to do this to your kids. Go get help.. I had to do it. I have 4 kids, and they are part of the reason I got help. I knew that the cycle of addiction or alcoholism continues on in each generation, until finally a generation puts a stop to it. I decided for my kids. I would put a stop to it. I don't want them to go through what my mom or I have gone through. I want them to have a good life, just like you do. So if you don't want to hurt them, pick up the phone and call your local hospital. Let them detox you, and get into a treatment program. I had a VERY hard time leaving my kids to go totreatment, but I knew for me there was no choice, I wanted nothing else but to get better..
I know you can do this, and I know you really aren't going to settle with dying an alcoholic, and having your kids left with that legacy of there mom.. Stop the cycle so they don't have to go through it. You CAN do it, if you really want to. If you go to get help for them, then maybe something inside of you will change and you'll realize that not only should you help your kids, but YOU ARE WORTH all the work it takes to change. You can... I pray you will.
Please know that I tell you all of this out of caring and fear for you and your kids. I mean nothing bad by any of it. I know you need to get more help. It's ok if you've tried to get help before, go for more, they won't turn you away..
I also believe that in the end, when mom was dying, I believe she would have done anything to not die, to go back and work as hard as she could to change her life, as well as ours, but she couldn't do that, it doesn't work that way, it was to late.... Don't let it be to late for you, you can still work and change you future, which has a huge effect on your childrens future. I know.....

Love, Becky
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Old 07-21-2005, 03:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
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bump, thought this could be bumped so more people can respond
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Old 07-21-2005, 06:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Old 07-21-2005, 10:37 PM   #12 (permalink)
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It's not to late to turn your life around. My daughter will turn 13 next month. I have been sober a little over one year. I can see a tremendous change in her. She is much happier and at ease these days. I can hardly imagine how awful it must have been for her, when I was a drunk all the time. I carried around alot of quilt over that. These days the guilt is gone. Lead by example. Only you can make the changes and set the example for your kids. Your kids don't hate you, they hate your disease and what it is doing to you. Don't allow it to kill you. Do whatever it takes to get sober. You ask will my kids be okay? They will have a better chance of being okay if you stop drinking. Get honest with yourself and get real serious. You can do this, you really can. I never thought I would ever be able to quit, but I did. You can too. If you really want it you can achieve it. Time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. Do you have a sponsor and are you working the steps? When your kids get older, maybe they will want to attend some alateen meetings. Until then, how about you attend the meetings and they will see and sense the changes around them. You set the pace and the moods. You are there indicator. Make it right. The results are well worth it for everyone involved. Good luck to you and your children. Take care and never give up the fight.
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Old 07-22-2005, 10:49 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Jazz,
This going to be a tough love post. If you've done it ALL HONESTLY and WILLINGLY you'd be sober. Simple fact drinking is still your priority. Not the kids, not the job, nada!

When your feeling lower then you are you may just get there. I was there to, always worried about the kids having a drunk mom. The kids will always no matter what love you but surely won't like you, until you are ready and willing to do whatever it takes.

Your not special or unique, nor any worse off then any of us here who have been exactly in your shoes and found the courage and determination to get OURSELVES better. When your ready to take care of yourself first you will do this, and from then on you lead by example. I've always been close to my children yet always placed the drinking before them. Until I got sober I didn't understand the beauty of motherhood and all it has to offer. When your ready and done being selfish and realize your sick and tired of being sick and tired, when your done being guilty, lonely, miserable, sad, sick, afraid, and fearing sobriety, you'll get there. *hugs*
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Old 07-23-2005, 07:56 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I've been scared to look at your responses. I'm so embarrassed!
But "we" all do that sometimes, don't we.

Anna...I hope my kids will see a positive change. They are so leery of me now. It will take time, I know. Thank you!

Lulu... I've been to treatmeant 3 times. I even made it 6 years sober. I guess it's time to let my a$$ fall off! Hahahahaha!
If I made it 6 years...I can make it for a day! Hugs!

Dan..Thanks for that quote. It hit home! Also, thanks for your honesty. It meant alot! I'm prayin' for ya!

Carol...It is easy to sit around drunk. It's time I do the hard thing! Thanks for the...smack!...and another hug!

AngelHugs..Thanks for the prayers. And NO...I don't think I will give up!....Dang....GROUP HUG!

Vince... Ya got me cryin' again! I'm worried about you! We can do this!
Thank you for the hugs and prayers. I'm doing the same for you!

Patty... you make me feel special. Thank you so much for checkin' in!
I listened to everything you said. And YES!!! My kids deserve a mom!!!
Thanks so much, Patty!

BECKY...YOU BLOW ME AWAY! I can't tell you how much I appreciate your open sincere way! Everything you said just 'got' me!
Thank You Girl, I needed you!

2dayzmuse...I'm so glad someone understands the guilt. (well, I guess we all know about that) That is what keeps me drinking...I can't stand being in my skin sober. " Lead by example"...I just hope it's not too late. *pops self in head*...Okay, I'll...try.
Thanks, sweety

CHY...That wasn't that tough!!!! But you ( and everyone else) made me think. I get it..."get off the pitty pot...suck it up...and act like a frillin' MOM!"

* takes a deeeeep breath* ...wait...*and another* Thanks to y'all I am gonna try a little harder!

THANK YOU EVERYONE!
I'm gonna ROCK!
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Old 07-23-2005, 08:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
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.....And I need to lose that sad avatar!

Better??

Hahahaha...I only wish!
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Old 07-23-2005, 09:31 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Hugs to you Jazz,
My name is Wendy, I am a drug addicted alcoholic in recovery. Working on day 411.
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for AA, NA, my higher power, admitting i have a problem which in turn brought the realization my even bigger, WENDY PROBLEM. Acceptance and total surrender.
How do we do it? Honestly, Openmindedly and Willingly and most of all? TOGETHER.
I have 2 daughters, 16 and 11. My disease took everything from me except my life and i almost went there to.
Today, because i took/take one day at a time and REALLY want to live, the gifts of sobriety are coming back. My girls came to me one day, 4 years ago, and said 'Mom? We are going to live with Dad.' I thought I hid my addiction pretty good. NOT. I didn't use that time as an eye opener, I didn't face the music, i used the opportunity to dive into my addiction. I lived basically on the streets for 3 years. The guilt and shame kept me out there. I almost resolved to staying out 'there'.
I went to detox and 2 treatment centers in succesion. It was my third treatment center. I couldn;'t clean up for anyone, not my kids, my family, a man....but ME. I learned I am worth saving. I am worthwhile, precious and beautiful. Just like everyone else. I'm learning to like Wendy today, to forgive but never forget.
Each day is a new day, each day is battle between my spirit and my ego. When I focus on my spirit and the one who has all power and live in the moment I stay clean and sober. Sometimes it's one minute at a time.
My oldest daughter moved back in with me last december. I have a home, a job i haven't missed a day of in 5 months. I go to AA regularly. I lost my desire to hide and drink and drug myself to death. My daughter and I were out at a friends cabin a while ago, a lady there was REALLY drunk. My daughter came to me...put her arms around me and thanked me for 399 days. That makes it all worthwhile and gives me the strength to face today!
I come from a family riddled with this disease, I am stopping the cycle. Today anyways, i refuse to pick up that first drink or drug.
Today life is SWEET, thanks to recovery.
One foot in front of the other, baby steps
keep coming back
hugs, Wendy
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Old 07-23-2005, 09:59 AM   #17 (permalink)
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(((Jazz)))

I'm glad you made it back to read your responses. No need to be embarrassed, yes we all have done similialr things in the past. You know it doesn't have to be that way. Thank goodness for that. It sounds like you know what you need to do to get sober. 6 years is along time. Now let's work on staying sober. Let me guess? Complacency? Yep, that is our worse enemy.

Work on staying sober today and prepare for tomorrow. Kids are resilient, but at what point does the damage become irreparable? I don't know? Your kids are a tough price to pay for a drink and a regrettable drunk.

Yes, I do understand your quilt. Leave it behind and move forward. I'm so grateful I got sober when I did. My daughter will be 13 and she needs me now. I shudder to think what she would be up to if I were drunk and unable to keep a sober eye on her where abouts and activities. I'd be to drunk to handle situations properly and she would take full advantage of that. I can't and won't allow that to happen.

There is no better time than today to get sober. Your kids need you sober. They are at a very impressionable ages. Any age is impressionable for that matter. They will be relieved and you will earn there trust again if you make an honest effort. What do you say? Do you have a plan? I wish you the best and hope you stay and share your ES&H with us. Good luck...

By the way...love the avatar!
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Old 07-23-2005, 11:24 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I am so happy you are back with the living. I am happy you have decided it's time for change. Your kids do need a mom, now. So, do whatever it takes to get yourself sober. Go to meetings, if you need a treatment center, go, I have went countless treatment,/detox centers. I even had to BEG and PLEAD for my last detox, they weren't going o let me back in, but I kept on calling and begging, and evetually they did. I think it may have just been the humility of begging that helped me realize everyone was sick of it. I needed to get clean, beging a recovery process, or die, that was it.
Now it's your turn, just get on it. Take the tough road, you can do it, you were sober once for 6 years, well you can do it again. For yourself AND you kids.
I also kept thinking, what if something happened to one of my kids while I was all drugged up? I could never, ever forgive myself. I didn't want to ruin their or my life.

You can do this. Go to AA, and stay around these boards... We'll help you as much as we can, on a message board..

Love and prayers to you,
Becky
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Old 07-23-2005, 05:48 PM   #19 (permalink)
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(((Jazz))) !!! Lotsa hugs.

This is one of the best, most powerful threads I have ever read. Thanks everyone.

I can add this: You can't get sober for your kids, your boss, your spouse, your extended family, or anyone or anything else. You most sober up for you. Because You are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Because you want to get better. Because you deserve it for you. It's got to be selfish and self-serving. I'm not saying everyone you know won't benefit, I'm saying it's got to be self-help.

I've been sober over sixteen years. I sobered up for me.

Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
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Old 07-23-2005, 06:14 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Hey hector, I agree this is one of the most powerful threads I have read too. That is why I kept bumping it up to the top.....
I believe in the beginning a person can go to get help for others, because sometime something along the way will "click" and they will realize they are worthy, and end up doing for them self...
I went a couple of times for my employment, and for my husband and for my kids. But I believe it took me all of those other detoxes and treatments to get me to the point of wanting to do it for me first, but also for those around me...
Whatever it takes I say...
Love ya ll, Becky
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