The continued journey of recovery - DreamCatcher
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Originally Posted by Dee74 
Good for you DC.
When I think back to my last years of drinking and the very public drunk I was, I get a feeling somewhat akin to pride knowing that my last two houses - and the neighbours - have never seen me drunk or drinking
D
When I think back to my last years of drinking and the very public drunk I was, I get a feeling somewhat akin to pride knowing that my last two houses - and the neighbours - have never seen me drunk or drinking
D
That is such a huge point!
Thank you
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Step 4
So, I am working on Step 4 and reliving all the things I've done is a bit hard.
I thought I had already done this in my mind, it's much different putting it on paper, or my app on my phone...
So today a AA I decided to open up about it a little bit.
I am loosing weight, finally I am getting this baby weight off. Yayaya, that's awesome watching the scale go down and my clothes no longer fitting.
So, what's my problem then, right?
Well, going through step 4 has brought some fear into my light.
I am afraid that when I lose the weight I am going to go back to the person I was when I was fit and more attractive.
I am afraid of having an identity crisis like I had when I gained the weight, which contributed to a lot of my drinking after having my son.
It may seem silly, thinking about the future like that.
I am glad I am sober and working a program of recovery to get my mind right, to have the tools and support if needed, if I, in fact, start to feel the old me creeping back into my life.
When I got back home from AA, my ex was watching my son.
I asked if he'd help me take the desk apart to bring it outside as someone is coming to pick it up later.
His reply has my head in a tail spin. Decid to tell me how much damage I've caused, how he can't help me because we're not together. Yada Yada.
Now, I'm sitting here feeling like a pile of ****, like a **** person.
I have worked so hard to be where I am today. And all I can think about is what he did or didn't do. How he sat there for my first 3 months of sobriety and drank in front of me, how he said I was unattractive to him, how he was still using coke. All he wanted was for me to be sober and when it happened it was thrown in my face everything I had done wrong, not wanting an amends and then needing one, never to forgive me even though he said he had.
I am so glad I made the Decision to leave him. Still having it thrown in my face as I was the only person to contribute the toxicity is breaking me a bit right now.
No, I don't want to drink as that's the last thing on my mind. I really just want to move on, move out of this hell of a house and get on with it.
To not be belittled
To never be dragged to this darkness again.
I ****** up
I'm recreating me
Life is going so well
Why does someone have to drag you to their level. I'll never understand his true intentions.
End rant.
I thought I had already done this in my mind, it's much different putting it on paper, or my app on my phone...
So today a AA I decided to open up about it a little bit.
I am loosing weight, finally I am getting this baby weight off. Yayaya, that's awesome watching the scale go down and my clothes no longer fitting.
So, what's my problem then, right?
Well, going through step 4 has brought some fear into my light.
I am afraid that when I lose the weight I am going to go back to the person I was when I was fit and more attractive.
I am afraid of having an identity crisis like I had when I gained the weight, which contributed to a lot of my drinking after having my son.
It may seem silly, thinking about the future like that.
I am glad I am sober and working a program of recovery to get my mind right, to have the tools and support if needed, if I, in fact, start to feel the old me creeping back into my life.
When I got back home from AA, my ex was watching my son.
I asked if he'd help me take the desk apart to bring it outside as someone is coming to pick it up later.
His reply has my head in a tail spin. Decid to tell me how much damage I've caused, how he can't help me because we're not together. Yada Yada.
Now, I'm sitting here feeling like a pile of ****, like a **** person.
I have worked so hard to be where I am today. And all I can think about is what he did or didn't do. How he sat there for my first 3 months of sobriety and drank in front of me, how he said I was unattractive to him, how he was still using coke. All he wanted was for me to be sober and when it happened it was thrown in my face everything I had done wrong, not wanting an amends and then needing one, never to forgive me even though he said he had.
I am so glad I made the Decision to leave him. Still having it thrown in my face as I was the only person to contribute the toxicity is breaking me a bit right now.
No, I don't want to drink as that's the last thing on my mind. I really just want to move on, move out of this hell of a house and get on with it.
To not be belittled
To never be dragged to this darkness again.
I ****** up
I'm recreating me
Life is going so well
Why does someone have to drag you to their level. I'll never understand his true intentions.
End rant.
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Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
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oh God sweetheart.....first of all I love you. You are brave and strong and wonderful. Yes, you made the right decision. All of the right decisions....and damn this is tough.....when the person who feels like the piece of crap that they are projects and throws all of that in your face.....no.....just no...
And damn straight we don't drink over that. Give that more power??? Nuh uh.
The steps are hard. My fourth took me apart. Badly. I am here for you as an AA as well as your SR friend. I am AA program all the way....big time.
Not very organised....just emotional on your behalf....and as your friend.
Mostly....support....you are doing AMAZINGLY WELL. Do not let anything derail you sweet girl.
♥♥
And damn straight we don't drink over that. Give that more power??? Nuh uh.
The steps are hard. My fourth took me apart. Badly. I am here for you as an AA as well as your SR friend. I am AA program all the way....big time.
Not very organised....just emotional on your behalf....and as your friend.
Mostly....support....you are doing AMAZINGLY WELL. Do not let anything derail you sweet girl.
♥♥
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Dear DC. I can't wait to start from the beginning and read all your story and posts! Am just giving my daughter 5 mins on the ipad (oops naughty mummy!) so I can have a quick browse and need to get her to bed so not much time now to read and post.
You sound like you are doing fantastic. Well done for staying sober and going to meetings and doing what you need to do for a better life for you and your son.
As I read your post what you said about being fearful of losing weight and going back to how you were before really resonated with me. Day 8 today for me and am taking things easy but I too gained a lot of weight with my child which was awful and I couldn't get it off because of my drinking and the **** I ate when hungover. Today I thought I really need to get thos weight off and then I had a really scary thought of when I am slim going back to how I used to be and back to drinking! I am in AA too and I think the answer is we really do need to keep ourselves in the 'today'.
I am sorry your ex is behaving like he is. I am also a member of Women for Sobriety and I remember reading something the founder Jean Fitzpatrick wrote about how when we get sober we expect everyone around us to be happy about it but that it is not always like that and it may take a long time to have sone acceptance. Sorry, i can't remember exactly, it may be worth googling or going on to their website to have a look.
Anyway, keep doing what you are doing, I really admire you and can't wait to read more about you and hear more about your progress.
Suzy x x
You sound like you are doing fantastic. Well done for staying sober and going to meetings and doing what you need to do for a better life for you and your son.
As I read your post what you said about being fearful of losing weight and going back to how you were before really resonated with me. Day 8 today for me and am taking things easy but I too gained a lot of weight with my child which was awful and I couldn't get it off because of my drinking and the **** I ate when hungover. Today I thought I really need to get thos weight off and then I had a really scary thought of when I am slim going back to how I used to be and back to drinking! I am in AA too and I think the answer is we really do need to keep ourselves in the 'today'.
I am sorry your ex is behaving like he is. I am also a member of Women for Sobriety and I remember reading something the founder Jean Fitzpatrick wrote about how when we get sober we expect everyone around us to be happy about it but that it is not always like that and it may take a long time to have sone acceptance. Sorry, i can't remember exactly, it may be worth googling or going on to their website to have a look.
Anyway, keep doing what you are doing, I really admire you and can't wait to read more about you and hear more about your progress.
Suzy x x
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Originally Posted by venuscat
oh God sweetheart.....first of all I love you. You are brave and strong and wonderful. Yes, you made the right decision. All of the right decisions....and damn this is tough.....when the person who feels like the piece of crap that they are projects and throws all of that in your face.....no.....just no...
And damn straight we don't drink over that. Give that more power??? Nuh uh.
The steps are hard. My fourth took me apart. Badly. I am here for you as an AA as well as your SR friend. I am AA program all the way....big time.
Not very organised....just emotional on your behalf....and as your friend.
Mostly....support....you are doing AMAZINGLY WELL. Do not let anything derail you sweet girl. ♥♥
And damn straight we don't drink over that. Give that more power??? Nuh uh.
The steps are hard. My fourth took me apart. Badly. I am here for you as an AA as well as your SR friend. I am AA program all the way....big time.
Not very organised....just emotional on your behalf....and as your friend.
Mostly....support....you are doing AMAZINGLY WELL. Do not let anything derail you sweet girl.
♥♥Thank you so much!!!
I have tried all day, without success to not allow others to dictate my feelings. Renting space in my mind. It's all so fresh as I work step 4, all the crap I've done and what my part was in it. I'm also looking at what his part was. I can't blame him for being made, I can only blame myself for allowing him to ruin a perfectly beautiful day. I did not 1 thing on my to do list. I sat and stewed on it all day, still am. Still trying not to, but not hard enough. My paints are packed away which is a huge outlet. WA WA waaaaaaaaaaaa...
Thank you, love you so much. Your support is greatly appreciated and much respected!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,566
OK.....your mission is to do ONE nice thing tonight for yourself before bed.
It doesn't have to be on today's list....in fact today's list is now tomorrow +'s list....that's OK....that happens...you needed to do what you had to do today and now it is time for something nice. Something gentle.
Just for a few minutes. ♥♥
It doesn't have to be on today's list....in fact today's list is now tomorrow +'s list....that's OK....that happens...you needed to do what you had to do today and now it is time for something nice. Something gentle.
Just for a few minutes.
♥♥
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
Originally Posted by snitch
Dear DC. I can't wait to start from the beginning and read all your story and posts! Am just giving my daughter 5 mins on the ipad (oops naughty mummy!) so I can have a quick browse and need to get her to bed so not much time now to read and post.
You sound like you are doing fantastic. Well done for staying sober and going to meetings and doing what you need to do for a better life for you and your son.
As I read your post what you said about being fearful of losing weight and going back to how you were before really resonated with me. Day 8 today for me and am taking things easy but I too gained a lot of weight with my child which was awful and I couldn't get it off because of my drinking and the **** I ate when hungover. Today I thought I really need to get thos weight off and then I had a really scary thought of when I am slim going back to how I used to be and back to drinking! I am in AA too and I think the answer is we really do need to keep ourselves in the 'today'.
I am sorry your ex is behaving like he is. I am also a member of Women for Sobriety and I remember reading something the founder Jean Fitzpatrick wrote about how when we get sober we expect everyone around us to be happy about it but that it is not always like that and it may take a long time to have sone acceptance. Sorry, i can't remember exactly, it may be worth googling or going on to their website to have a look.
Anyway, keep doing what you are doing, I really admire you and can't wait to read more about you and hear more about your progress.
Suzy x x
You sound like you are doing fantastic. Well done for staying sober and going to meetings and doing what you need to do for a better life for you and your son.
As I read your post what you said about being fearful of losing weight and going back to how you were before really resonated with me. Day 8 today for me and am taking things easy but I too gained a lot of weight with my child which was awful and I couldn't get it off because of my drinking and the **** I ate when hungover. Today I thought I really need to get thos weight off and then I had a really scary thought of when I am slim going back to how I used to be and back to drinking! I am in AA too and I think the answer is we really do need to keep ourselves in the 'today'.
I am sorry your ex is behaving like he is. I am also a member of Women for Sobriety and I remember reading something the founder Jean Fitzpatrick wrote about how when we get sober we expect everyone around us to be happy about it but that it is not always like that and it may take a long time to have sone acceptance. Sorry, i can't remember exactly, it may be worth googling or going on to their website to have a look.
Anyway, keep doing what you are doing, I really admire you and can't wait to read more about you and hear more about your progress.
Suzy x x
8 days, so fantastic!!! Being sober is going to flourish your relationship with your little in so many ways!!
Thank you for the kind words and yes please feel free to read the journey!!!
This isn't my first go at sobriety with my ex, we've been together 11 years. He would support and then enable (very good at this one). He would tell me I'm not an alcoholic, I just need to learn to control it and have some self respect.
Well, I am controlling it and having more self respect by not drinking.
He lost a drinking friend and apart of me that would be so open with booze.
Oh well, I'm glad it's over. Now 99.9 % of people who were around while I was using are gone and it's such a blessing!
Have a lovely day!
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Originally Posted by venuscat
OK.....your mission is to do ONE nice thing tonight for yourself before bed.
It doesn't have to be on today's list....in fact today's list is now tomorrow +'s list....that's OK....that happens...you needed to do what you had to do today and now it is time for something nice. Something gentle.
Just for a few minutes. ♥♥
It doesn't have to be on today's list....in fact today's list is now tomorrow +'s list....that's OK....that happens...you needed to do what you had to do today and now it is time for something nice. Something gentle.
Just for a few minutes.
♥♥
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
GOD or Coincidence?
I will go with GOD.
This morning, like every morning my son and I, pray on the way to daycare.
This morning I prayed for guidance, a sign of some sort to feel his presence, to know he is with me.
I dropped my son off.
Turned on the Christian radio station, KTIS
The current song that was playing was a good one, but I asked for one to make me cry, I just needed to get it all out, the tears have just been stuck. I asked for something to releases the tears, so I am able to move on. Redemption is always a good song that gets me going, I suggested that song as I know it always gets me going....
The very next song was:
Tears
By:
Matt Hammitt
(Take a listen)
Well, they rolled and rolled. I feel so much better.
Like a child who cries and then 5 mins later is back to playing, that was me, I cried and got it all out. Now my day can continue!
have a blessed one!
This morning, like every morning my son and I, pray on the way to daycare.
This morning I prayed for guidance, a sign of some sort to feel his presence, to know he is with me.
I dropped my son off.
Turned on the Christian radio station, KTIS
The current song that was playing was a good one, but I asked for one to make me cry, I just needed to get it all out, the tears have just been stuck. I asked for something to releases the tears, so I am able to move on. Redemption is always a good song that gets me going, I suggested that song as I know it always gets me going....
The very next song was:
Tears
By:
Matt Hammitt
(Take a listen)
Well, they rolled and rolled. I feel so much better.
Like a child who cries and then 5 mins later is back to playing, that was me, I cried and got it all out. Now my day can continue!
have a blessed one!
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Hi DC...
I have read your entire thread in awe and I am inspired by your determination and the way you are living your new sober life.
I hope I didn't offend you when I offered my "advice" re your ex. I wasn't trying to suggest you need to be patient in waiting for his acceptance. I just remember reading something on WFS how not everyone is neccessarily happy when we get sober. I wonder if it is now because you are no longer reliant on him that he is being like this? Some people do not like change especially where it may highlight their own flaws or problems.
Anyway it sounds as if you know what you need to do to remove certain toxicness (is that a word?! 😁
and toxic people from your life and I commend you. It takes a brave woman to break free.
I have had a very tempestuous relationship with the father of my daughter (my ex). He has refused to drink with me for years so he hasn't enabled me. He is not an alcoholic or addict but has brought his fair share of problems to our relationship but my drinking has escalated things.
Anyway talking of songs (wow what a powerful post there from you!) he sent me a link to George Harrison...My Sweet Lord. I lay listening to it last night before bed and I felt maybe this was the first step in me and him making some progress towards a reasonable relationship for the sake of our daughter. Who knows? Its a beautiful song though and lovely to listen to.
Keep up your good work you are amazing
Lots of love x x
I have read your entire thread in awe and I am inspired by your determination and the way you are living your new sober life.
I hope I didn't offend you when I offered my "advice" re your ex. I wasn't trying to suggest you need to be patient in waiting for his acceptance. I just remember reading something on WFS how not everyone is neccessarily happy when we get sober. I wonder if it is now because you are no longer reliant on him that he is being like this? Some people do not like change especially where it may highlight their own flaws or problems.
Anyway it sounds as if you know what you need to do to remove certain toxicness (is that a word?! 😁
and toxic people from your life and I commend you. It takes a brave woman to break free. I have had a very tempestuous relationship with the father of my daughter (my ex). He has refused to drink with me for years so he hasn't enabled me. He is not an alcoholic or addict but has brought his fair share of problems to our relationship but my drinking has escalated things.
Anyway talking of songs (wow what a powerful post there from you!) he sent me a link to George Harrison...My Sweet Lord. I lay listening to it last night before bed and I felt maybe this was the first step in me and him making some progress towards a reasonable relationship for the sake of our daughter. Who knows? Its a beautiful song though and lovely to listen to.
Keep up your good work you are amazing
Lots of love x x
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Posts: 1,469
Originally Posted by snitch
Hi DC...
I have read your entire thread in awe and I am inspired by your determination and the way you are living your new sober life.
I hope I didn't offend you when I offered my "advice" re your ex. I wasn't trying to suggest you need to be patient in waiting for his acceptance. I just remember reading something on WFS how not everyone is neccessarily happy when we get sober. I wonder if it is now because you are no longer reliant on him that he is being like this? Some people do not like change especially where it may highlight their own flaws or problems.
Anyway it sounds as if you know what you need to do to remove certain toxicness (is that a word?! 😁 and toxic people from your life and I commend you. It takes a brave woman to break free.
I have had a very tempestuous relationship with the father of my daughter (my ex). He has refused to drink with me for years so he hasn't enabled me. He is not an alcoholic or addict but has brought his fair share of problems to our relationship but my drinking has escalated things.
Anyway talking of songs (wow what a powerful post there from you!) he sent me a link to George Harrison...My Sweet Lord. I lay listening to it last night before bed and I felt maybe this was the first step in me and him making some progress towards a reasonable relationship for the sake of our daughter. Who knows? Its a beautiful song though and lovely to listen to.
Keep up your good work you are amazing
Lots of love x x
I have read your entire thread in awe and I am inspired by your determination and the way you are living your new sober life.
I hope I didn't offend you when I offered my "advice" re your ex. I wasn't trying to suggest you need to be patient in waiting for his acceptance. I just remember reading something on WFS how not everyone is neccessarily happy when we get sober. I wonder if it is now because you are no longer reliant on him that he is being like this? Some people do not like change especially where it may highlight their own flaws or problems.
Anyway it sounds as if you know what you need to do to remove certain toxicness (is that a word?! 😁
and toxic people from your life and I commend you. It takes a brave woman to break free. I have had a very tempestuous relationship with the father of my daughter (my ex). He has refused to drink with me for years so he hasn't enabled me. He is not an alcoholic or addict but has brought his fair share of problems to our relationship but my drinking has escalated things.
Anyway talking of songs (wow what a powerful post there from you!) he sent me a link to George Harrison...My Sweet Lord. I lay listening to it last night before bed and I felt maybe this was the first step in me and him making some progress towards a reasonable relationship for the sake of our daughter. Who knows? Its a beautiful song though and lovely to listen to.
Keep up your good work you are amazing
Lots of love x x
I was not offended at all, I was just shedding some light on the situation. You are totally right, he is deflecting his personal feelings onto me. He's had years to commit and never did, I told him if he ever threatened to leave the relationship while arguing with me, he should just pack his bags. Our last argument was the beginning of the end as he threatened to leave, so I just did it.
While I'll have a spot for him in my heart, there is no room to actually be with him I hope one day he'll be able to speak to be without belittling me, more so for my little
I'll take a listen to that song, I love how God works through other people's to touch us, it's a daily miracle!!!
Yes, my drinking was probably 70% of out issues.. I'll accept that. I have to accept responsibility for my part, he is just missing his part. O well, not my monkey.
Have a blessed day. I took the day off to pack the house.
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Originally Posted by venuscat
One day to pack the house? 
Mind you, betting you can do it....
You girls just taught me a very important relationship lesson....and I am very grateful. ♥
Mind you, betting you can do it....
You girls just taught me a very important relationship lesson....and I am very grateful.
♥I have been packing my house for a month. Today I just have an entire day alone to do more!!
I'm glad we could help with relationships for you. They sure can be confusing!
Have a blessed day dear!
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Hi DC how did all the packing go??
Just wanted to tell you I listened to Tears. What a moving song. I have decided to start a "recovery" play list on spotify. I put that on there.
Have you heard Sia, Chandalier? I played that over and over yesterday and had a little cry. For the sad, lost girl I was (am?) trying to numb my feelings with alcohol and be the life and soul of the party whilst dying inside. It is a beautiful song though.
I can't wait to read more updates from you!!
Love Suzy x x
Just wanted to tell you I listened to Tears. What a moving song. I have decided to start a "recovery" play list on spotify. I put that on there.
Have you heard Sia, Chandalier? I played that over and over yesterday and had a little cry. For the sad, lost girl I was (am?) trying to numb my feelings with alcohol and be the life and soul of the party whilst dying inside. It is a beautiful song though.
I can't wait to read more updates from you!!
Love Suzy x x
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