The continued journey of recovery - DreamCatcher
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Originally Posted by Silverback4 
Congrats on 100 that is wonderful.
I totally recognise in my own journey some people around me feeling awkward or intimidated even as you say with the changes I have made.
Someone who works for me has opened up to me also regarding their partners struggles and we have had many long conversations about it which helped me as much if not more than a I think it helped them and really, what the hell do I know?
I have one person close to me that was absolutely petrified In case my sobriety was going to effect their ability to continue with their own challenging relationship with booze, especially over the festive. Now that’s not how I operate and would never expect anyone to change their habits on my account.
I cannot explain ho relieved this person was that this was the case and absolutely champions this fact to everyone else.
Funny how things work.
Best to you and yours DC
I totally recognise in my own journey some people around me feeling awkward or intimidated even as you say with the changes I have made.
Someone who works for me has opened up to me also regarding their partners struggles and we have had many long conversations about it which helped me as much if not more than a I think it helped them and really, what the hell do I know?
I have one person close to me that was absolutely petrified In case my sobriety was going to effect their ability to continue with their own challenging relationship with booze, especially over the festive. Now that’s not how I operate and would never expect anyone to change their habits on my account.
I cannot explain ho relieved this person was that this was the case and absolutely champions this fact to everyone else.
Funny how things work.
Best to you and yours DC
Blessings to you!
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Originally Posted by MyLittleHorsie
This is a great thread DC. I sold my boat last year. I miss it 
enjoy and here is hoping you catch a big One!
enjoy and here is hoping you catch a big One! It was really weird last year, usually I always catch the first, biggest and most, however, I do think I was looking to catch a buzz more than fish last summer as I never got a babysitter so when I did I was balls to the wall type of drunk.
Blessing to you!
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Originally Posted by Dee74
Congratulations Dream Catcher
D
D
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Chicago
I'm heading to Chicago at the end of January.
This will be my first time in 2.5 years I'll be away from my son. That gives me a little anxiety, but I soooooooooooo need a little vacation.
Friday night and Saturday night I'll be with people who will be drinking.
Saturday more so than Friday.
The hotel is in walking distance if I need to leave.
1 person I'm going with knows I'm in AA and is super supportive.
I don't have any sort of feeling of relapse by any means.
I am excited and nervous for many reasons.
I'll have 4 months by this time
I have my plans and people in place.
This will be my first time in 2.5 years I'll be away from my son. That gives me a little anxiety, but I soooooooooooo need a little vacation.
Friday night and Saturday night I'll be with people who will be drinking.
Saturday more so than Friday.
The hotel is in walking distance if I need to leave.
1 person I'm going with knows I'm in AA and is super supportive.
I don't have any sort of feeling of relapse by any means.
I am excited and nervous for many reasons.
I'll have 4 months by this time
I have my plans and people in place.
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Intervention
This show...
I cry
I'm thankful I've never been to where these people are
I'm thankful most got sober
I couldn't imagine being a using mom to this extreme. I already have so much guilt for the year I was drinking with my little. There were 3 times that were not acceptable drunkenness while he was home, I'm thankful nothing happened.
My little will know a good life and never question what I'm doing, how I'm acting or when I'd be home again.
Cheers to better living through sobriety , the steps a day god
I cry
I'm thankful I've never been to where these people are
I'm thankful most got sober
I couldn't imagine being a using mom to this extreme. I already have so much guilt for the year I was drinking with my little. There were 3 times that were not acceptable drunkenness while he was home, I'm thankful nothing happened.
My little will know a good life and never question what I'm doing, how I'm acting or when I'd be home again.
Cheers to better living through sobriety , the steps a day god
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Self care
Is so very important, not only while recovering but in general.
2018 I have a goal to get my pre baby body back. I've worked out every day this year, ate 90% excellent while giving myself 10% lax. I have progress pictures so far from active use, active use and working out and then today. I love seeing my body change, I love feeling healthy physically and mentally.
I also take time for a bath, relaxing is so very important.
I love to paint my nails, I think painting in general is now therapeutic for me.
I am reading T is for transformation from Shaun T. This book has great excersize for the mind, going through the past and cleaning it up, mentally.
I'm happy, genuinely happy!
Self care, do it!
2018 I have a goal to get my pre baby body back. I've worked out every day this year, ate 90% excellent while giving myself 10% lax. I have progress pictures so far from active use, active use and working out and then today. I love seeing my body change, I love feeling healthy physically and mentally.
I also take time for a bath, relaxing is so very important.
I love to paint my nails, I think painting in general is now therapeutic for me.
I am reading T is for transformation from Shaun T. This book has great excersize for the mind, going through the past and cleaning it up, mentally.
I'm happy, genuinely happy!
Self care, do it!
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Text message
This morning at 1:30 I received a text from a drinking friend. At that time of morning it's safe to say she was drunk.
She'll now text about every 30 days with the same text "hope you are well. I miss you!"
Every single time she reaches out to me I sit and stew on it all damn day. I hate this.
All reply back with "I'm great. Let's get the kids together Bash misses Kal so much"
Hours/days will go by and I'll get a reply of
"yea definitely"
Nothing happens.
I've stopped reaching out to her as I know she is toxic to my recovery.
The mind **** I go into when she reaches out disrupts my entire day.
I know I shouldn't allow it to
I sit and wonder
Why is she reaching out
Why even bother
Do you feel you need to look good to me
Do you even really care
Wtf
It just baffles me
Grrrrr......
I want to reply with
Why are you even reaching out, you never want to get the kids together, you never say what you really mean, lately it's only when your drunk. I don't feel like this, whatever it is, will be anything more than passing and stating hey at a store, maybe.
I know that's a bad idea to. "except when to do so would hurt others"
K, check!
I may just have to block her number.
Done ranting. Should have done this at 8 am.
She'll now text about every 30 days with the same text "hope you are well. I miss you!"
Every single time she reaches out to me I sit and stew on it all damn day. I hate this.
All reply back with "I'm great. Let's get the kids together Bash misses Kal so much"
Hours/days will go by and I'll get a reply of
"yea definitely"
Nothing happens.
I've stopped reaching out to her as I know she is toxic to my recovery.
The mind **** I go into when she reaches out disrupts my entire day.
I know I shouldn't allow it to
I sit and wonder
Why is she reaching out
Why even bother
Do you feel you need to look good to me
Do you even really care
Wtf
It just baffles me
Grrrrr......
I want to reply with
Why are you even reaching out, you never want to get the kids together, you never say what you really mean, lately it's only when your drunk. I don't feel like this, whatever it is, will be anything more than passing and stating hey at a store, maybe.
I know that's a bad idea to. "except when to do so would hurt others"
K, check!
I may just have to block her number.
Done ranting. Should have done this at 8 am.
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Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
This morning at 1:30 I received a text from a drinking friend. At that time of morning it's safe to say she was drunk.
She'll now text about every 30 days with the same text "hope you are well. I miss you!"
Every single time she reaches out to me I sit and stew on it all damn day. I hate this.
All reply back with "I'm great. Let's get the kids together Bash misses Kal so much"
Hours/days will go by and I'll get a reply of
"yea definitely"
Nothing happens.
I've stopped reaching out to her as I know she is toxic to my recovery.
The mind **** I go into when she reaches out disrupts my entire day.
I know I shouldn't allow it to
I sit and wonder
Why is she reaching out
Why even bother
Do you feel you need to look good to me
Do you even really care
Wtf
It just baffles me
Grrrrr......
I want to reply with
Why are you even reaching out, you never want to get the kids together, you never say what you really mean, lately it's only when your drunk. I don't feel like this, whatever it is, will be anything more than passing and stating hey at a store, maybe.
I know that's a bad idea to. "except when to do so would hurt others"
K, check!
I may just have to block her number.
Done ranting. Should have done this at 8 am.
She'll now text about every 30 days with the same text "hope you are well. I miss you!"
Every single time she reaches out to me I sit and stew on it all damn day. I hate this.
All reply back with "I'm great. Let's get the kids together Bash misses Kal so much"
Hours/days will go by and I'll get a reply of
"yea definitely"
Nothing happens.
I've stopped reaching out to her as I know she is toxic to my recovery.
The mind **** I go into when she reaches out disrupts my entire day.
I know I shouldn't allow it to
I sit and wonder
Why is she reaching out
Why even bother
Do you feel you need to look good to me
Do you even really care
Wtf
It just baffles me
Grrrrr......
I want to reply with
Why are you even reaching out, you never want to get the kids together, you never say what you really mean, lately it's only when your drunk. I don't feel like this, whatever it is, will be anything more than passing and stating hey at a store, maybe.
I know that's a bad idea to. "except when to do so would hurt others"
K, check!
I may just have to block her number.
Done ranting. Should have done this at 8 am.
I DID IT!!!
I finally ended the relationship with her. I am still shaking but it is done.
A simple text
"I see. Maybe it just isn't a good idea. Take care!"
Done, I am ******* DONE with toxic people. They have all left my life now.
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Location: Minnesota, USA
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I like to play mind games
With myself, that is.
So yesterday I was driving and listening to my favorite rapper, Eminem. While I was listening to his music, I start to think to myself:
Does this music make me want to drink
Do I feel like having a drink
Do, I have an urge, right now.
Does this that or the other thing make me want to drink.
I have not answered YES to any of these.
But I will sit there are just stinkin thinkin in the moment to see if I want a drink about that situation.
I am not asking myself permission, I am not trying to find a reason to drink..
I wonder if I am just trying to find a trigger to better assist myself in the future.. I have no idea...
Anyone else do this?
So yesterday I was driving and listening to my favorite rapper, Eminem. While I was listening to his music, I start to think to myself:
Does this music make me want to drink
Do I feel like having a drink
Do, I have an urge, right now.
Does this that or the other thing make me want to drink.
I have not answered YES to any of these.
But I will sit there are just stinkin thinkin in the moment to see if I want a drink about that situation.
I am not asking myself permission, I am not trying to find a reason to drink..
I wonder if I am just trying to find a trigger to better assist myself in the future.. I have no idea...
Anyone else do this?
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Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
I tried my best not to engage with any of that mind games stuff.
If you don't engage there's zero chance of you meandering into a place where any kind of rationalisition that drinking might be ok.
If worse comes to worse treat those mental ramblings like a naughty puppy and shout NO (preferably not around peeps at the time)
D
If you don't engage there's zero chance of you meandering into a place where any kind of rationalisition that drinking might be ok.
If worse comes to worse treat those mental ramblings like a naughty puppy and shout NO (preferably not around peeps at the time)
D
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Sex, drugs and rock N roll
While I was drinking I would blackout, often. Most people would have no idea I was blacked out, at least that's what they told me.
Sure my mannerisms would change, maybe had a little more of a sway to my body, but that could also just mean I was very intoxicated.
Wakeing up the next morning after a blackout always worried me.
I'd know I had blacked out because I wouldn't remember how I go to bed the night before, that was the biggest tell.
Well, while in a blackout I would do a lot of things, things I probably at the time gave consent to do, I probably enjoyed what I was doing. I would like to believe the people I was sexual with could take a que had I not been responsive, however I am sure I was responsive and participated in many things, I mean I know I did, from what I was told anyways.
Luckily through these experiences I have come out a head, disease free, no abortions, no children being conceived while drunk, no strange persons bed. I've known all my partners, I trusted them.
Now, I explained a situation to my bf.. Something that happened, to which he considered this to be rape, since I was blacked out and had sex with someone...
My issue is, I probably gave consent at the time, and participated. If great about it the next morning.
My bf has had sex with me many times while I was blacked out, the next morning I'd ask if we had sex, the signs were evident we had. And he'd tell me about it. Apparently the best sex we've ever had, I was usually blacked out for.
Why do I share this?
I seen a thread and I didn't want to suggest or impose, so I'll share my story here.
This is just me and my experience, yours could be different and much worse. I don't want anyone to feel bad, or lesson their own situation.
Sure my mannerisms would change, maybe had a little more of a sway to my body, but that could also just mean I was very intoxicated.
Wakeing up the next morning after a blackout always worried me.
I'd know I had blacked out because I wouldn't remember how I go to bed the night before, that was the biggest tell.
Well, while in a blackout I would do a lot of things, things I probably at the time gave consent to do, I probably enjoyed what I was doing. I would like to believe the people I was sexual with could take a que had I not been responsive, however I am sure I was responsive and participated in many things, I mean I know I did, from what I was told anyways.
Luckily through these experiences I have come out a head, disease free, no abortions, no children being conceived while drunk, no strange persons bed. I've known all my partners, I trusted them.
Now, I explained a situation to my bf.. Something that happened, to which he considered this to be rape, since I was blacked out and had sex with someone...
My issue is, I probably gave consent at the time, and participated. If great about it the next morning.
My bf has had sex with me many times while I was blacked out, the next morning I'd ask if we had sex, the signs were evident we had. And he'd tell me about it. Apparently the best sex we've ever had, I was usually blacked out for.
Why do I share this?
I seen a thread and I didn't want to suggest or impose, so I'll share my story here.
This is just me and my experience, yours could be different and much worse. I don't want anyone to feel bad, or lesson their own situation.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Hi DC
Glad your going strong.
I am an S addict who drinks heavily
Sober again today!
It's difficult for me to try to articulAte meaning here but just think its great that the sexual problem in whatever form can be spoken about. It's still fairly rare but at least your opening up a bit about it.
I first came here towards end of Dec and from the outset I said I was a sex addict
I don't actually have intimate relations in my addictive behaviour it's either
Sex chatlines
Escorts
Parlour
Porn
Or a combination of some of the above
But I have to be drinking alcohol to lower my inhibitions to engage alwAys smoking heavily too!
I don't even smoke sober.. no interest whatsoever
Best sex ever on a blackout ?
My own experience has been the best sex ever when I'm healthy can breathe and feel into my being and my female partners and really lose myself soberly in the experience
That's just me.
Like lovemaking!
I like reading your shares I've only found this one tonight.
For me at present sex is off the menu
And sober living is on.
When the time is right
I'll 're evaluate' self care fitness etc. For now.
Still raw bruised and vulnerable but I am taking stock of my life.
I have a sponsor and supportive family.
My lovely son has been blocked from seeing me
But that will change as I get my dignity and strength back.
Best to you on your restorAtion to full potential!
G
Glad your going strong.
I am an S addict who drinks heavily
Sober again today!
It's difficult for me to try to articulAte meaning here but just think its great that the sexual problem in whatever form can be spoken about. It's still fairly rare but at least your opening up a bit about it.
I first came here towards end of Dec and from the outset I said I was a sex addict
I don't actually have intimate relations in my addictive behaviour it's either
Sex chatlines
Escorts
Parlour
Porn
Or a combination of some of the above
But I have to be drinking alcohol to lower my inhibitions to engage alwAys smoking heavily too!
I don't even smoke sober.. no interest whatsoever
Best sex ever on a blackout ?
My own experience has been the best sex ever when I'm healthy can breathe and feel into my being and my female partners and really lose myself soberly in the experience
That's just me.
Like lovemaking!
I like reading your shares I've only found this one tonight.
For me at present sex is off the menu
And sober living is on.
When the time is right
I'll 're evaluate' self care fitness etc. For now.
Still raw bruised and vulnerable but I am taking stock of my life.
I have a sponsor and supportive family.
My lovely son has been blocked from seeing me
But that will change as I get my dignity and strength back.
Best to you on your restorAtion to full potential!
G
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Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Gambling
Today I realized I am also addicted to gambling.
So, I took out some money, sent the little to a sitter, hit up my regular AA meeting and had full intentions of me time, at the casino.
I took out what I could afford
Left my babysitter money in the car along with all my cards.
Enjoyed my alone time, for an hour. Lost my money.
Then as addiction would have it
I went to the little casino next door
Withdrew more
Played more slots, won, kept playing
Then I lost it all
The addiction takes over AGAIN I pull more ******* money...
Luckily I couldn't pull out more because by the time I lost that money I had to leave to get the little. At least I was sober
HOWEVER
I now have to stop.
I don't go often, anymore
When I do go, it's balls the to wall just like it was when I was drinking.
This is not going to get me to my goals financially, this set me back a bit..
I am done with the casino, scratch off, lottery as well.
No more!
Just like Alcohol if I have an itch, I am coming here!!!!
I can fantasize all day of what I could have done with that money, but I can't do that or I'll get depressed.
Lesson learned
done.
So, I took out some money, sent the little to a sitter, hit up my regular AA meeting and had full intentions of me time, at the casino.
I took out what I could afford
Left my babysitter money in the car along with all my cards.
Enjoyed my alone time, for an hour. Lost my money.
Then as addiction would have it
I went to the little casino next door
Withdrew more
Played more slots, won, kept playing
Then I lost it all
The addiction takes over AGAIN I pull more ******* money...
Luckily I couldn't pull out more because by the time I lost that money I had to leave to get the little. At least I was sober
HOWEVER
I now have to stop.
I don't go often, anymore
When I do go, it's balls the to wall just like it was when I was drinking.
This is not going to get me to my goals financially, this set me back a bit..
I am done with the casino, scratch off, lottery as well.
No more!
Just like Alcohol if I have an itch, I am coming here!!!!
I can fantasize all day of what I could have done with that money, but I can't do that or I'll get depressed.
Lesson learned
done.
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New Book
I like to read books written by other alcoholics, to see their journey (kind of like the 1 year and over sober thread).
I just got in the mail yesterday:
Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget
by Sarah Hepola
I got through the preface last night before bed, I didn't want to spend all night reading it, as I feel with this book it will be one of them I am unable to put down.
I already have so much in common with her. I was a chronic blackout drinker myself.
The preface explains the science behind a blackout, I thought that to be really interesting. Now, there are 2 kinds of blackouts, I was always the worse of the 2, as I would not wake up mid blackout.
The interesting thing that I read is a blackout usually happens at a BA of .30- DAMN. When I got my DUI I blew a .14 and I remember that night, I thought I was charming and FAR from drunk as I felt my mobility was fine, I could see clearly and carry a conversation.
Well, I can also carry a conversation while blacked out, so maybe I was much farther along than I thought when I was pulled over.
Blackouts are alcohol poisoning, your body can no longer metabolize the alcohol and it turns off a few receptors in the brain.
I am excited to finish this book, I will report back when I am finished!
Many Blessings,
DC
I just got in the mail yesterday:
Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget
by Sarah Hepola
I got through the preface last night before bed, I didn't want to spend all night reading it, as I feel with this book it will be one of them I am unable to put down.
I already have so much in common with her. I was a chronic blackout drinker myself.
The preface explains the science behind a blackout, I thought that to be really interesting. Now, there are 2 kinds of blackouts, I was always the worse of the 2, as I would not wake up mid blackout.
The interesting thing that I read is a blackout usually happens at a BA of .30- DAMN. When I got my DUI I blew a .14 and I remember that night, I thought I was charming and FAR from drunk as I felt my mobility was fine, I could see clearly and carry a conversation.
Well, I can also carry a conversation while blacked out, so maybe I was much farther along than I thought when I was pulled over.
Blackouts are alcohol poisoning, your body can no longer metabolize the alcohol and it turns off a few receptors in the brain.
I am excited to finish this book, I will report back when I am finished!
Many Blessings,
DC
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Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Triggers of anger
My mother is the number 1 person in my life who can make my blood boil, from 1200 miles away.
I hate that I gave that power to her.
Maybe it's because she's in active addiction and I grew up with that drunk.
Maybe because while she stayed with me this last summer I asked her many times to not drink at my house while I began my sober journey, and she still did.
Maybe it's because I still resent her for a lot of **** in my childhood
The list is endless
She called me tonight, asking I mail her something I forgot to do last week. OK, I'll mail it.
She wanted to talk more but I told her "mom, I have to go, I can't talk to you when you're drinking" we said our goodbyes.
She called back, I sent her to voicemail
She texted me 911... I know it's nothing of true emergency. She is drunk.
I text her, what's so 911
She calls back
She starts with will you please listen to me, what's so important mom....
"Bob and Sue"
"mom, I don't care about them"
"daughter please open your doors to my little brother"
"mom, absolutely not. He made his bed he can lay in it"
"well, **** you, you sound just like ******* grandma"
Conversation done.
Ya see, Bob is into Meth... Which isn't allowed in my home. Duh
I've now ended the relationship with my mother.
I seem to be on a roll with ending relationships this week, I'm becoming a pro.
I don't want to drink
I want the anger and shaking and my blood pressure to go down.
Grrrrrrrrrr....
I think I need to workout, again today.
I hate that I gave that power to her.
Maybe it's because she's in active addiction and I grew up with that drunk.
Maybe because while she stayed with me this last summer I asked her many times to not drink at my house while I began my sober journey, and she still did.
Maybe it's because I still resent her for a lot of **** in my childhood
The list is endless
She called me tonight, asking I mail her something I forgot to do last week. OK, I'll mail it.
She wanted to talk more but I told her "mom, I have to go, I can't talk to you when you're drinking" we said our goodbyes.
She called back, I sent her to voicemail
She texted me 911... I know it's nothing of true emergency. She is drunk.
I text her, what's so 911
She calls back
She starts with will you please listen to me, what's so important mom....
"Bob and Sue"
"mom, I don't care about them"
"daughter please open your doors to my little brother"
"mom, absolutely not. He made his bed he can lay in it"
"well, **** you, you sound just like ******* grandma"
Conversation done.
Ya see, Bob is into Meth... Which isn't allowed in my home. Duh
I've now ended the relationship with my mother.
I seem to be on a roll with ending relationships this week, I'm becoming a pro.
I don't want to drink
I want the anger and shaking and my blood pressure to go down.
Grrrrrrrrrr....
I think I need to workout, again today.
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Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
All things change
While I am being sober, I am now trying to be a better parent. I am not sure if I have turned into that yelling monster mom because I have not had a break in 2.5 years, but I am taking "positive parenting" courses, and I am bringing my laptop with me while in Chicago, to really dive into it while I have no distractions like my son or my boyfriend.
I want nothing more than to have a prospering, happy child who doesn't live in fear of when I am going to yell at him next.
While I always apologize, I just should have to, I shouldn't be yelling like I am.
I have completed some of the courses and I am getting a game plan to implement them. The hard part is getting my military raised boyfriend on board with positive parenting, I will be sending him cliff notes, I hope he is also on board with the major changes we need to make in our behavior so our littles behaviors will change, all in a positive light!
I only have 1 chance to not screw him up, and I am going to try my damndest to not do that.
Have a blessed day.
The journey continues with every aspect of life. While I was drinking I had these webinars to watch, I was just too busy in my "alone time" drinking VS trying to better my life and my families.
I want nothing more than to have a prospering, happy child who doesn't live in fear of when I am going to yell at him next.
While I always apologize, I just should have to, I shouldn't be yelling like I am.
I have completed some of the courses and I am getting a game plan to implement them. The hard part is getting my military raised boyfriend on board with positive parenting, I will be sending him cliff notes, I hope he is also on board with the major changes we need to make in our behavior so our littles behaviors will change, all in a positive light!
I only have 1 chance to not screw him up, and I am going to try my damndest to not do that.
Have a blessed day.
The journey continues with every aspect of life. While I was drinking I had these webinars to watch, I was just too busy in my "alone time" drinking VS trying to better my life and my families.
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