The continued journey of recovery - DreamCatcher
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Therapy
I did it, I have made the call to get started on therapy.
While I do not have an AA sponsor, and really don't want one. I have committed to some outside assistance, a talk doctor, as I like to call them.
An outside source to see if I am bat sh*t crazy, or just pretty average crazy. HA!
Have a blessed day,
DC
While I do not have an AA sponsor, and really don't want one. I have committed to some outside assistance, a talk doctor, as I like to call them.
An outside source to see if I am bat sh*t crazy, or just pretty average crazy. HA!
Have a blessed day,
DC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Checking in
My painting is improving, to the point where people actually want to buy my pieces! That is so exciting, a little extra income, it would really just go for more painting supplies.
I have a request for a painting that I am going to create this weekend, I am pretty excited and now nervous about it. It will be great, I will pour my soul into it, so I would expect it to be just beautiful, what it is!
The man and I are talking shortly about the future. I am so conflicted... I have to take the tools I have learned in AA and apply them to this situation as best as I can. I have a feeling this is going to be a lot of finger pointing towards me, what I did, how I did it, what I do that annoys the hell out of him, and he will be telling me MY character defects... I just know that this is how he is.
While I have to compose myself in such a way to not point out his character defects, and just put out there "I feel this way when this happens" and I pray that I am able to be me, focused, and communicate with empathy, apologetically (for the things I have done in disrespect) all while not letting someone try to tell me who I am, in a sense.
These conversations in the past were always me coward down, agree with everything said even if I didn't agree with it. The difference is I am not going to settle for anything less than what I want out of life to live it to the fullest, so I have to be completely honest and raw while holding nothing back but still holding composure and self-respect.
This will be a true test of where I am currently in my life and where I want to go and be.
Until then,
DC
I have a request for a painting that I am going to create this weekend, I am pretty excited and now nervous about it. It will be great, I will pour my soul into it, so I would expect it to be just beautiful, what it is!
The man and I are talking shortly about the future. I am so conflicted... I have to take the tools I have learned in AA and apply them to this situation as best as I can. I have a feeling this is going to be a lot of finger pointing towards me, what I did, how I did it, what I do that annoys the hell out of him, and he will be telling me MY character defects... I just know that this is how he is.
While I have to compose myself in such a way to not point out his character defects, and just put out there "I feel this way when this happens" and I pray that I am able to be me, focused, and communicate with empathy, apologetically (for the things I have done in disrespect) all while not letting someone try to tell me who I am, in a sense.
These conversations in the past were always me coward down, agree with everything said even if I didn't agree with it. The difference is I am not going to settle for anything less than what I want out of life to live it to the fullest, so I have to be completely honest and raw while holding nothing back but still holding composure and self-respect.
This will be a true test of where I am currently in my life and where I want to go and be.
Until then,
DC
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Stay Steady
Life is good and moving forward.
While there may be things in the unknown, actions needed to be taken, talking things out always are so relieving. I feel like 10,000 lbs have been lifted off my shoulders, and today I am grateful for that.
I purchased tickets to a Christian music concert for the Little and I in June. I am pretty excited for that. He starts gymnastics again next Wednesday, he is going to be so thrilled.
My knee is fully recovered from the minor strain last week, so I can get back to 80-day obsession, time off from working out takes a toll on my mental state so I just have to be more careful and remember I am not the hulk and to only lift what my body will allow.
Summer can no get here soon enough. I am a little tired of the cold, this winter has been so damned cold. I was only able to enjoy the outdoors with my little once, yes once. I am tired of being cooped in the house after work. I have big adventures planned for summer, so it can arrive anytime I think all of MN is ready.
I am shipping off my first painting this week. It is the best painting I have ever created. I am sad to see it go as I would love to admire it more. I am not sure what the lesson of my paintings are going to be as I paint them and sell them to no longer see them, but I am open to the lesson I am about to learn.
This week I am going to be packing up all my mothers crap from my house and putting it into storage. Also, contacting a women's shelter to donate a ton of clothes I no longer fit into along with my son's clothes. lots of rearranging the house this week, since I decided to stay there for another year or 2.
That is for my update on life.
Have a blessed day,
DC
While there may be things in the unknown, actions needed to be taken, talking things out always are so relieving. I feel like 10,000 lbs have been lifted off my shoulders, and today I am grateful for that.
I purchased tickets to a Christian music concert for the Little and I in June. I am pretty excited for that. He starts gymnastics again next Wednesday, he is going to be so thrilled.
My knee is fully recovered from the minor strain last week, so I can get back to 80-day obsession, time off from working out takes a toll on my mental state so I just have to be more careful and remember I am not the hulk and to only lift what my body will allow.
Summer can no get here soon enough. I am a little tired of the cold, this winter has been so damned cold. I was only able to enjoy the outdoors with my little once, yes once. I am tired of being cooped in the house after work. I have big adventures planned for summer, so it can arrive anytime I think all of MN is ready.
I am shipping off my first painting this week. It is the best painting I have ever created. I am sad to see it go as I would love to admire it more. I am not sure what the lesson of my paintings are going to be as I paint them and sell them to no longer see them, but I am open to the lesson I am about to learn.
This week I am going to be packing up all my mothers crap from my house and putting it into storage. Also, contacting a women's shelter to donate a ton of clothes I no longer fit into along with my son's clothes. lots of rearranging the house this week, since I decided to stay there for another year or 2.
That is for my update on life.
Have a blessed day,
DC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Posts
Hey Ya'll,
I have struggled with what to write on here for about a week....
That could be a great thing, as my sobriety is in check.
Therapy is going great- We are just doing intake stuff, with a little chat about home life as that seems to be my biggest problem in life right now.
I fall into slight depressions here and there, revolving around the unknown. While I know this does me no good, I almost feel like I know what the next move is, but I also wonder if that is the right or wrong move... I guess I will never know unless I make a commitment to either of the actions. Worry and depressed moods about it will do nothing.
So, I am getting out of the funk and have a lot planned for this weekend.
I have a commissioned painting to create. Friday is the night that I paint. I can paint until 2 am. But then I regret that in the AM when my son is up at the butt crack of dawn. But I am not as pissy sober as I was hungover. Still, I need to practice balance in the time I start and stop. It is a slight addiction, once I start I find it hard to stop. Last Friday I made 9 pieces. It was so FUN! I love to just zone out, mix colors, pour and listen to music for hours. Besides working out, this is the only ME time I get.
Going to friends on Saturday- I am sure drinking will be had by others as 2 of the people are practicing alcoholics, I have no concern about me drinking what so ever! I just find others who drink annoying, so I will probably be leaving earlier than myself or my son were hoping for.
But, I love to have real excuses to get out of places I no longer want to be. I mean, just having a kid gives me a million reasons to not be at most places! HA!
Sunday is AA, my friend says he is going to make it this time as he was snowed in last weekend near his job and was stuck in the snow, valid. He did come over last night, I have such high hopes for him. My son misses him but isn't allowed over when he is f*cked up. I want nothing more for him than Sobriety, he claims to want it too. Just how far is he willing to go? We shall see.
And my sister, niece, and nephew are coming over. That hasn't happened in over 2 years as I am the one who always drives the hour to her, so this was a nice surprise!
Have a great weekend and stay on that Sober Train, Chooo Choo!
I have struggled with what to write on here for about a week....
That could be a great thing, as my sobriety is in check.
Therapy is going great- We are just doing intake stuff, with a little chat about home life as that seems to be my biggest problem in life right now.
I fall into slight depressions here and there, revolving around the unknown. While I know this does me no good, I almost feel like I know what the next move is, but I also wonder if that is the right or wrong move... I guess I will never know unless I make a commitment to either of the actions. Worry and depressed moods about it will do nothing.
So, I am getting out of the funk and have a lot planned for this weekend.
I have a commissioned painting to create. Friday is the night that I paint. I can paint until 2 am. But then I regret that in the AM when my son is up at the butt crack of dawn. But I am not as pissy sober as I was hungover. Still, I need to practice balance in the time I start and stop. It is a slight addiction, once I start I find it hard to stop. Last Friday I made 9 pieces. It was so FUN! I love to just zone out, mix colors, pour and listen to music for hours. Besides working out, this is the only ME time I get.
Going to friends on Saturday- I am sure drinking will be had by others as 2 of the people are practicing alcoholics, I have no concern about me drinking what so ever! I just find others who drink annoying, so I will probably be leaving earlier than myself or my son were hoping for.
But, I love to have real excuses to get out of places I no longer want to be. I mean, just having a kid gives me a million reasons to not be at most places! HA!
Sunday is AA, my friend says he is going to make it this time as he was snowed in last weekend near his job and was stuck in the snow, valid. He did come over last night, I have such high hopes for him. My son misses him but isn't allowed over when he is f*cked up. I want nothing more for him than Sobriety, he claims to want it too. Just how far is he willing to go? We shall see.
And my sister, niece, and nephew are coming over. That hasn't happened in over 2 years as I am the one who always drives the hour to her, so this was a nice surprise!
Have a great weekend and stay on that Sober Train, Chooo Choo!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Almost 6 months and a break up
I had a feeling it was coming...
We are going in 2 separate directions.
Now that I am Sober, there is so much clarity in what I am looking for in a partner & father figure for my son.
While the road is just being paved and rocky, I will continue with 1 day at a time and remember there is nothing in life worth drinking over/to/about/with or why.
I allowed him to blame me, to blame my drinking to blame me for not fixing it and working for us.
I can accept that, as he doesn't want to accept a damn thing, and place blame. Whatever, I can push that out and move on.
I know my truth, I know my feelings and how it has been and what I have seen and how I no longer want to live a miserable life.
My biggest concern is how my son is going to handle this, no longer seeing "dad", wondering where he went. All while HOPING my son doesn't ever blame himself for this situation. I am hoping he is young enough to forget, in a sense. There may always be a missing part to his heart and he may always wonder why, all I can do is be the best mom I can be for him and when he is old enough, be honest and speak on his level of understanding.
I can tell you all right now, I am going to just be single forever. At least for 18 more years, then I'll be old and out of the market and just travel. HA!
Have a blessed day,
We are going in 2 separate directions.
Now that I am Sober, there is so much clarity in what I am looking for in a partner & father figure for my son.
While the road is just being paved and rocky, I will continue with 1 day at a time and remember there is nothing in life worth drinking over/to/about/with or why.
I allowed him to blame me, to blame my drinking to blame me for not fixing it and working for us.
I can accept that, as he doesn't want to accept a damn thing, and place blame. Whatever, I can push that out and move on.
I know my truth, I know my feelings and how it has been and what I have seen and how I no longer want to live a miserable life.
My biggest concern is how my son is going to handle this, no longer seeing "dad", wondering where he went. All while HOPING my son doesn't ever blame himself for this situation. I am hoping he is young enough to forget, in a sense. There may always be a missing part to his heart and he may always wonder why, all I can do is be the best mom I can be for him and when he is old enough, be honest and speak on his level of understanding.
I can tell you all right now, I am going to just be single forever. At least for 18 more years, then I'll be old and out of the market and just travel. HA!
Have a blessed day,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Let's add more to my plate....
So,
I have never met my "sperm donor". He ran when my mom was pregnant. I did find out 10 years ago I had a sister, we are about a 1.5 years apart in age, she and I have a relationship...
I have spoken to this guy on the phone, and then I stopped. He is a drunk...
Well, he lives in TX but is here as his mom is dying.
My sister and I are meeting him in person for the first time, ever on Thursday...
Mix emotions...
I will report back.
I have never met my "sperm donor". He ran when my mom was pregnant. I did find out 10 years ago I had a sister, we are about a 1.5 years apart in age, she and I have a relationship...
I have spoken to this guy on the phone, and then I stopped. He is a drunk...
Well, he lives in TX but is here as his mom is dying.
My sister and I are meeting him in person for the first time, ever on Thursday...
Mix emotions...
I will report back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Congrats on 6 months DC - and we're here if you have something you need to let out - better to be tired reaching out for help than to be struggling alone? 
D
D
Not struggling with alcohol, just living in the unknown of where I am going to live is making the gerbal run on its wheel non stop. I thought house hunting would be fun, ohhhh not in this market. But I just keep reminding myself with every ignored offer, it just wasn't meant to be. And that is tough!
I appreciate you, thank you
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
6 months + some
So,
6 months:
Sober
Self-love and confidence
Split from my relationship
Close on a house in May
I have not worked out in 2 weeks, stress-induced..
Living in the unknown of where I was going to live was not an ideal mindset for me, but I am over that since I found a house within 7 days!!!!!
Better days are to come
I wont be able to attend my Sunday AA meeting every week as I am moving an hour away (40 mins from work) which is OK too.
I (right now ) feel great with sobriety, if I need it, I'll find one there in m new town.
Happy Easter Ya'll. HE has risen!!!!!
6 months:
Sober
Self-love and confidence
Split from my relationship
Close on a house in May
I have not worked out in 2 weeks, stress-induced..
Living in the unknown of where I was going to live was not an ideal mindset for me, but I am over that since I found a house within 7 days!!!!!
Better days are to come
I wont be able to attend my Sunday AA meeting every week as I am moving an hour away (40 mins from work) which is OK too.
I (right now ) feel great with sobriety, if I need it, I'll find one there in m new town.
Happy Easter Ya'll. HE has risen!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Just angry
Everything is going so well right now and I'm just so angry... It's frustrating to sit and stew.
I'm pissed that I'm still living in a house with a man who doesn't do much, lack of attention to my son which is causing him to act out. I've resorted back to yelling. I did revisit the positive parenting classes today and will continue with that. Hearing this man tell my son "you know mommy will be more mean than me about this... Blaaaa blaa" I need to get us away from this chatter.
Easter was going well and then my son's attitude just flipped and there were some rude stares from another parent. Apparently their child fell off a chair and was crying, I came upstairs from using the restroom and I asked if my son had anything to do with the incident, and was rudely replied with "we just want the dog back" so, my son had taken her stuffed dog, and 2 other people were trying to coax him to give it back. OK, I get it your child is hurt, I'm sorry, if my son was involved I would have had a talk with him, never got that answered, but was able to get the dog back. Now, the evil stares continued... From me and the father.
Ok, my fault. I shouldn't have been pissed, but I was... My son was acting out, I talked to him many times and then the parents are all being judgey, I just wanted to get the hell out of that place.
I left...
I felt like I no longer belonged in this family, I honestly never want to attend another holiday. The kicker, we've never included a spouses family with ours, so it was just awkward.. This other family is high praise always doing things with my aunts family. Maybe I'm jealous... That as an adult I never got that relationship with my family... My drinking has nothing to do with any of my family dynamics, I very rarely seen them, and when I did I would have maybe 1 beer and that was super rare.
I really just want to move, get out of this environment, be far away from people....
Stay in my bubble
Todat at AA I was told that I NEED a sponsor... Not sure how I feel being told how to work my program... I am solid in my feelings of not drinking, I know who I was while drinking, I am now creating my sober self- who is far from drunk me. I have forgiven myself for what I've done, this is important for the fact that I don't sit and dwell in the **** I've done, I'd drive myself insane if I did that. I only go to AA to be around people who are going through what I have, and sharing in hopes to help someone else.
I go to therapy, and being Native, we have a step program fitted to our heritage that resonates with me much more at this point. The circle of life.
I am all over the place right now and maybe it's because I'm hormonal (sorry fellas) but I had to get this **** out somewhere.
Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance at being a better person than I was today.
I'm pissed that I'm still living in a house with a man who doesn't do much, lack of attention to my son which is causing him to act out. I've resorted back to yelling. I did revisit the positive parenting classes today and will continue with that. Hearing this man tell my son "you know mommy will be more mean than me about this... Blaaaa blaa" I need to get us away from this chatter.
Easter was going well and then my son's attitude just flipped and there were some rude stares from another parent. Apparently their child fell off a chair and was crying, I came upstairs from using the restroom and I asked if my son had anything to do with the incident, and was rudely replied with "we just want the dog back" so, my son had taken her stuffed dog, and 2 other people were trying to coax him to give it back. OK, I get it your child is hurt, I'm sorry, if my son was involved I would have had a talk with him, never got that answered, but was able to get the dog back. Now, the evil stares continued... From me and the father.
Ok, my fault. I shouldn't have been pissed, but I was... My son was acting out, I talked to him many times and then the parents are all being judgey, I just wanted to get the hell out of that place.
I left...
I felt like I no longer belonged in this family, I honestly never want to attend another holiday. The kicker, we've never included a spouses family with ours, so it was just awkward.. This other family is high praise always doing things with my aunts family. Maybe I'm jealous... That as an adult I never got that relationship with my family... My drinking has nothing to do with any of my family dynamics, I very rarely seen them, and when I did I would have maybe 1 beer and that was super rare.
I really just want to move, get out of this environment, be far away from people....
Stay in my bubble
Todat at AA I was told that I NEED a sponsor... Not sure how I feel being told how to work my program... I am solid in my feelings of not drinking, I know who I was while drinking, I am now creating my sober self- who is far from drunk me. I have forgiven myself for what I've done, this is important for the fact that I don't sit and dwell in the **** I've done, I'd drive myself insane if I did that. I only go to AA to be around people who are going through what I have, and sharing in hopes to help someone else.
I go to therapy, and being Native, we have a step program fitted to our heritage that resonates with me much more at this point. The circle of life.
I am all over the place right now and maybe it's because I'm hormonal (sorry fellas) but I had to get this **** out somewhere.
Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance at being a better person than I was today.
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