Step 4
So, I am working on Step 4 and reliving all the things I've done is a bit hard.
I thought I had already done this in my mind, it's much different putting it on paper, or my app on my phone...
So today a AA I decided to open up about it a little bit.
I am loosing weight, finally I am getting this baby weight off. Yayaya, that's awesome watching the scale go down and my clothes no longer fitting.
So, what's my problem then, right?
Well, going through step 4 has brought some fear into my light.
I am afraid that when I lose the weight I am going to go back to the person I was when I was fit and more attractive.
I am afraid of having an identity crisis like I had when I gained the weight, which contributed to a lot of my drinking after having my son.
It may seem silly, thinking about the future like that.
I am glad I am sober and working a program of recovery to get my mind right, to have the tools and support if needed, if I, in fact, start to feel the old me creeping back into my life.
When I got back home from AA, my ex was watching my son.
I asked if he'd help me take the desk apart to bring it outside as someone is coming to pick it up later.
His reply has my head in a tail spin. Decid to tell me how much damage I've caused, how he can't help me because we're not together. Yada Yada.
Now, I'm sitting here feeling like a pile of ****, like a **** person.
I have worked so hard to be where I am today. And all I can think about is what he did or didn't do. How he sat there for my first 3 months of sobriety and drank in front of me, how he said I was unattractive to him, how he was still using coke. All he wanted was for me to be sober and when it happened it was thrown in my face everything I had done wrong, not wanting an amends and then needing one, never to forgive me even though he said he had.
I am so glad I made the Decision to leave him. Still having it thrown in my face as I was the only person to contribute the toxicity is breaking me a bit right now.
No, I don't want to drink as that's the last thing on my mind. I really just want to move on, move out of this hell of a house and get on with it.
To not be belittled
To never be dragged to this darkness again.
I ****** up
I'm recreating me
Life is going so well
Why does someone have to drag you to their level. I'll never understand his true intentions.
End rant.