DreamCatcher17

Tomorrow my little butt (his nick name) turns 3!!!!!

I am just amazed by him all the time. His vocabulary, his witt, his charm, his helpfulness, his attitude if I am being honest and his amazing temper tantrums. It is not all rainbows and butterflies with a 3-year-old, but I am sober for it. He doesn't see or know me to be a drunk who is unpredictable.
I am so thankful and grateful to have a life of sobriety.
I am FINALLY breaking the family cycle of insanity with addiction. I just pray he will not fall into the same path as I did, the recklessness with alcohol and other drugs. If he does I will be able to smell it out like a hound dog and he will be shipped to a military school, no time for that.
But I will always be there for him.

I am so thankful he is here to show me life, and I am able to experience a sober life with him!

I remember my mom growing up, that is not the life I want for him.

When I spoke to my therapist it was interesting to learn that we can change our DNA throughout life, and that is what I am doing. Taking the addiction out (hopefully) - I really don't want to go further into details on this, it is super long and a lot of books and so on, but if you are interested I am sure Google as a ton of information.

Blessed to be here, to have another day.

Have a wonderful day,
DC

Dee74

Happy birthday to your little one DC - & I'm sure you can break the chain

D

DreamCatcher17

I haven't had any drinking dreams up until this point, at least none that i can remember.

The Dream:
I was going to France with some family members and I was super nervous about the plane ride, even the pilot looked sketchy, so I decided I would take some sleeping pills so I didn't have to be awake for any of the flight.
When we landed the first 3 days were great, looked around, but honestly it looked like I Was in a carnival and not in France.
Day 4, I was at restaurant and I recognized someone, so I thought, I went up to her and ask if she was Beth, she wasn't but I ten I turned around to head to my table and the person I was thinking that lady was, was actually at another table, so I asked the other person (They looked like twins) and it was her. I knew her in high school and I haven't seen or talked to her in over 16 years. From that moment, I remember nothing.... I wake up or come too in the USA and ask my uncle if I drank while we were there, we were there for 10 days, so I lost 5 days... HE said yes. I was so devastated with myself and ashamed, all the feelings hit me like a ton of bricks. So, I made it a point that I was not leaving my house for 1 year, so I could get sober, start my time all over and rebuild my foundation. I was also trying to justify my actions... Was this a slip, was this a relapse, could I continue on as this was just a vacation and have no loss sober time....etc... the insanity was clear in my dream.
The end

I am so glad I woke up sober, I am 4 days shy of 10 months and the LAST thing I want is a drink or to start over. While I know it may not be starting over, it is to me. Starting the time over again is not an option for me. I want life long sobriety with no hiccups.

Have a wonderful weekend.
We have a busy one, family all day today, part of tomorrow and then my meeting on Sunday and maybe the zoo with the little- Weather permitting.
My Great Grandma is 92 the family is throwing her a surprise party. This women still has her drivers license, lives alone and her with is on point. I hope I can make it that long and still function as a humane, staying sober will help me get there. She has great, great grandchildren she see's, how cool is that? My cousin and I started late in life when having kids (we were 30, 22-25 seems to be the norm here) We both have a 5 generation picture. It is a bummer I will not be able to get another one today with my little being 2 years older since the last one, my mom ... that another day.

I am done rambling.

Have a wonderful weekend,

DC

Dee74

Enjoy the day with your great grandma DC

D

DreamCatcher17

It has been 10 months since I have felt shameful, regretted the night before, canceled plans because of a hangover, acted a belligerent fool, and so on.

I do not miss alcohol or the effects it had on my life.

I could not see me picking up again as drinking is so far removed from my life and my habits.

How do I stay sober?
I just do.
I have more to gain being sober than I ever will drunk
I go to a couple meetings a month mainly for the other people. The stories, the relapse, the fight other people have keeps me sober.
I have not done the steps in AA with a sponsor, I have done them on my own and have had many discussions with my therapist. I found therapy better suited for me moving forward than a sponsor.
I read;
Waking the Tiger
Healing Developmental Trauma
UnF*ck yourself

I try to make a gratitude list every day
If I am not writing it I am saying it to GOD

I journal

The most important....

I LIVE- every single day I wake up is a blessing and I am not wasting that day drowning in a bottle.

I love physical labor so I do a lot of yard/housework
I love to work out, many different forms, I try to be active every day

I enjoy doing things with my son and keeping him active and busy which make me active and busy.

In my downtown I like to binge watch TV- Currently, catching up on the Fosters.

I will never stop learning and growing (evolving) and I look forward to waking up every day. I do not hide in bed waiting for life to start, I get up and enjoy it.

The first 3 months were the worst months of my recovery and I never want to be there again. I was depressed, my anxiety was high and I did NOTHING, I just waited for the brain fog to lift, to feel normal again, I ate sweets and crap, I watched too much TV, I came here ALL the time, I went to a meeting a week, I did whatever it took to stay sober. My couch was a comfortable place to be until I was ready to move on and be.

Today is the only day we have, get out and enjoy it SOBER!

Blessings,
DC

Dee74

congrats on 10 months DC

D

DreamCatcher17

Thanks so much Dee!
We had a good time at my grandmother's birthday, lots of family from out of State and clear across MN so it was nice to catch up. Some rough patches, which is to be expected with a 3 year old but we all survived!
Have a wonderful day/evening /week!!!

venuscat

I didn't get a chance to post here yesterday, but I very cheekily added your milestone to the big sparkly congrats in the 24-hr thread.

So happy for you. Congrats again love. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

DreamCatcher17

Thanks so much!!!

((hugs)))

DreamCatcher17

I did not choose to be an addict, I chose to participate in the addiction.
I am choosing to be sober, I choose to participate in sobriety/recovery. I hit it harder than I hit the bottle!

Have a great day!

Blessings,
DC

venuscat

Me too....big time.....this is everything to me.....everything that gave me hope and life and all of you.... ♥♥

DreamCatcher17

I truly am grateful that I am more aware of my thoughts and actions.

Last night there was a post on a sober app that I am on which read "Be the person you needed when you were younger"

Well, that brought a bunch of anger, hatred, frustration.... can you say RESENTMENTS? Into my mind...

I have dealt with all this "stuff" and moved on.
That **** will always follow me, it is more important how I shut it down and not act rash on any of those terrible thoughts.

I sat in it for a moment, forgave everyone and myself AGAIN and moved on.

I am sure this is not the first or the last time the past will come about and try to veer its ugly head, but I will not let it affect me, my mood or what I am doing.
I am more able to shut it down and quickly.
OR I asses what I am doing in my life if what I am doing is OK, if something needs to change or if I need to get back to my personal growth studies.. Which is where I am heading back to this evening after work.

Never stop being better!

-DC

2ndhandrose

Good Morning DreamCatcher

Even though I haven't commented on your thread before, I just wanted you to know how much I enjoy stopping by and reading your updates.

Yes, to "never stop being better"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DreamCatcher17

The Birthday party for my little butt was a success yesterday. The rain went away just in time to take the bounce house out so the kids could blow off some steam.
Almost all the adults (the children of course) tie dyed a shirt, I was happy that everyone liked the idea and they were able to take something home from the party.
My little got very sad when his cousins left, poor guy. Good thing they are coming back in a couple weeks to sleep over.

Today we are potty training. A few accidents so far, nothing to drink over.
I am just super ANGRY today. I cant pin point it.
I have written a gratitude list, that helped a little.
I am not sure what is going on, everything is good in my life, a few bumps but nothing major.
Just crabby.
I am trying to shake it
The little wont nap, so I have no down time for just me which is super frustrating, I have been yelling and arguing with a 3 year old all damn day. I am not sure if you have every argued with a 3 year old, but I will tell you it goes no where and I just continue to look like an ass. TO the point he told me he doesn't like me and he wants me to go away. That has never happened before. I feel like I just need to get out of this house for a few hours. I may just call the sitter so I can do just that, get outta here for a bit.

Now that it is outta me, for the 3rd time today; me out loud, writing in my journal and now here. Maybe something will click and I will be happy again. HA!

venuscat

So sorry I missed this love....so glad the party was such a success, and wow re the t-shirts....awesome idea. I love tie-dye.

Hoping that you got passed the angry feelings....sending love. ♥♥♥

DreamCatcher17

Thank you!
The anger went away, and I am back to my happy go lucky self

((hugs))

DreamCatcher17

10.5 months.
This is the longest I have been sober, ever.
The first time was 9 months plus 6 weeks because I was pregnant and nursing. I slowly increased my drinking after this point, right back to how I was drinking before I was even pregnant by the time he was 2.

I know I can't change anything BUT if I could it would be to get into a recovery program while I was pregnant. - This is a good idea for you pregnant mommies SERIOUSLY!

Since I can't change the past, I am creating the future free from alcohol and the effects it had on me and my little butt.

I only go to AA meetings for a couple of reasons:
1. To be around other people who know what I am going through and their support since I don't have much elsewhere
2. The newcomers, they remind me why I continue on this path of sobriety
3. Parental break. I took many of those while drinking, not near enough now but that 1-hour meeting and 90 min drive helps.

If I am being honest, I think about smoking pot far more than I think about drinking and that is maybe 4 times in the last 10.5 months. Which is odd, I very rarely smoke pot over the last 10 years.
In high school, I smoked all the time more so to fit into the crowd I was with.

I play the tape forward with pot as well and it looks like this:
1. Paranoid- BAD
2. Too much sleep
3. Wake up is super groggy and feel unrested
4. Munchies- Ummm I want to lose weight not gain
5. Lazy- almost paralyzed

When I am grumpy or irritated I try to write a gratitude list, which sometimes helps..

I did buy a new book
The Mind Connection by Joyce Meyer

I know I need to practice this more and more. I said some mean things to my 3 years old this weekend out of rage because he wasn't doing what I wanted him to do. He wasn't doing anything life threating, or anything that could have harmed himself, I should have just let him be... BAD MOM moments have been happening far too often this past month.

Anywho,
That is all for now.

Have a blessed day
DC

Dee74

Congrats on 10.5 months DC

DreamCatcher17

40 Days until my 1 year!
40 Days until I get my recovery tattoo!
40 days until it has been 1 year since I purchased a pack of cigs (I have had probably 15 since I stopped drinking)
40 Days until it is sweatshirt and bon fire weather
40 Days....
WOW!

Just think where you could be in 40 days if you stopped NOW?!

Dee74

awesome!

D