The continued journey of recovery - DreamCatcher
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
4 months today! :)
4 months, where has the time gone?
Nothing major going on in my life except my trip on Friday that I am so excited for and last night was the first night I was a little scared or it was anxiety about leaving my son for 3 days and 4 nights. This will be the first time in 2.5 I have not been with him. While I really need the break, I am now getting a little nervous.
I am sure all will be wonderful and I will enjoy my time and miss my little guy
At AA people always ask at every milestone "How did you do it?"
The answer seems so simple to me, while others may struggle. I accepted the fact that I can no longer drink, that alcohol and I had a very toxic relationship, one that had to end. So, it has.
I go to 1 AA meeting a week
I read, paint, find new activities to do with my son, I work out, I take what I need from this site and I leave the rest, I work my program for me as number 1, and I always strive to be better than I was yesterday. I still fail (not at consuming alcohol) and that is OK, I take everything as a learning opportunity now whereas before I didn't, I would just sulk and play the victim, but I am free of those ways and shackles and I am truly blessed to be where I am in life at my age, financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
"It's ok to think of others before yourself but there are times when you have to think of yourself before others in order for something good to happen"
Have a wonderful Humpday
Nothing major going on in my life except my trip on Friday that I am so excited for and last night was the first night I was a little scared or it was anxiety about leaving my son for 3 days and 4 nights. This will be the first time in 2.5 I have not been with him. While I really need the break, I am now getting a little nervous.
I am sure all will be wonderful and I will enjoy my time and miss my little guy
At AA people always ask at every milestone "How did you do it?"
The answer seems so simple to me, while others may struggle. I accepted the fact that I can no longer drink, that alcohol and I had a very toxic relationship, one that had to end. So, it has.
I go to 1 AA meeting a week
I read, paint, find new activities to do with my son, I work out, I take what I need from this site and I leave the rest, I work my program for me as number 1, and I always strive to be better than I was yesterday. I still fail (not at consuming alcohol) and that is OK, I take everything as a learning opportunity now whereas before I didn't, I would just sulk and play the victim, but I am free of those ways and shackles and I am truly blessed to be where I am in life at my age, financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
"It's ok to think of others before yourself but there are times when you have to think of yourself before others in order for something good to happen"
Have a wonderful Humpday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Chicago
I am here!
Awwwwww!!!!!
I have already had the mini bar locked
We went to the museum and I took an amazing nap.
Everyone else is at the bar, while I am getting ready for the concert as I will meet them there closer to the show start time VS sitting at the bar with the others. So, I wanted to check in and say HI, I made it and I already feel so good in the sense I have not 1 single person to attend except my self, and I am taking advantage of it!
I had to edit:
I am sitting in my hotel room, with the window open listening to live music and horns honking. This is so great!!!
Have a great Friday everyone
DC
Awwwwww!!!!!
I have already had the mini bar locked
We went to the museum and I took an amazing nap.
Everyone else is at the bar, while I am getting ready for the concert as I will meet them there closer to the show start time VS sitting at the bar with the others. So, I wanted to check in and say HI, I made it and I already feel so good in the sense I have not 1 single person to attend except my self, and I am taking advantage of it!
I had to edit:
I am sitting in my hotel room, with the window open listening to live music and horns honking. This is so great!!!
Have a great Friday everyone
DC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Back Home
Vacation was awesome! I am so glad that I went.
Friday night I went to a show with the group, while everyone else was drinking I had a Redbull and water. One person did ask me "Do you not drink?" I told her, in front of the group, "No, I am a recovering alcoholic"
Someone else asked, "Are these situations difficult for you?" I told him "Nope, I have no desire to drink, I don't like how it makes me feel and the things I do"
I put that out there for accountability, and so no one would try to buy a round of shots and include me in that.
Everyone was very respectable and I would talk about it on occasion, make comments of how I was while drinking like, "Oh I would not have remembered anything from that show had I been drinking. I was a chronic balk out drinker"
-I can never forget the relationship I had with alcohol, and I think it is OK if some people know why.
I had a 3 hour spa day, it was so awesome.
I walked over 20 miles
Went to the museum, the navy pier & rode the Ferris wheel, seen a lot of sculptures and art, gave food to the homeless and took advantage of not having any motherly responsibilities.
I would not have changed a thing and now I know I am ready for a week-long vacation.
My son did great with the babysitter and begin home with daddy.
I got home at like 1 am on Monday morning, he woke up while I was laying on the couch and comes to me and says "You came back from Vacation" That just melted my hear and he has been super cuddly since!
have a great week!
Friday night I went to a show with the group, while everyone else was drinking I had a Redbull and water. One person did ask me "Do you not drink?" I told her, in front of the group, "No, I am a recovering alcoholic"
Someone else asked, "Are these situations difficult for you?" I told him "Nope, I have no desire to drink, I don't like how it makes me feel and the things I do"
I put that out there for accountability, and so no one would try to buy a round of shots and include me in that.
Everyone was very respectable and I would talk about it on occasion, make comments of how I was while drinking like, "Oh I would not have remembered anything from that show had I been drinking. I was a chronic balk out drinker"
-I can never forget the relationship I had with alcohol, and I think it is OK if some people know why.
I had a 3 hour spa day, it was so awesome.
I walked over 20 miles
Went to the museum, the navy pier & rode the Ferris wheel, seen a lot of sculptures and art, gave food to the homeless and took advantage of not having any motherly responsibilities.
I would not have changed a thing and now I know I am ready for a week-long vacation.
My son did great with the babysitter and begin home with daddy.
I got home at like 1 am on Monday morning, he woke up while I was laying on the couch and comes to me and says "You came back from Vacation" That just melted my hear and he has been super cuddly since!
have a great week!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget by Sarah Hepola
An honest review of this book:
I ordered this from Amazon, I read the first page and I fell in love with it. Her writing was like poetry and so relatable.
As I read on...
The book was pretty boring, and the first page I read was the only interesting page of the entire book.
I would not recommend it to a friend.
I ordered this from Amazon, I read the first page and I fell in love with it. Her writing was like poetry and so relatable.
As I read on...
The book was pretty boring, and the first page I read was the only interesting page of the entire book.
I would not recommend it to a friend.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 230
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17 
Vacation was awesome! I am so glad that I went.
Friday night I went to a show with the group, while everyone else was drinking I had a Redbull and water. One person did ask me "Do you not drink?" I told her, in front of the group, "No, I am a recovering alcoholic"
Someone else asked, "Are these situations difficult for you?" I told him "Nope, I have no desire to drink, I don't like how it makes me feel and the things I do"
I put that out there for accountability, and so no one would try to buy a round of shots and include me in that.
Everyone was very respectable and I would talk about it on occasion, make comments of how I was while drinking like, "Oh I would not have remembered anything from that show had I been drinking. I was a chronic balk out drinker"
-I can never forget the relationship I had with alcohol, and I think it is OK if some people know why.
I had a 3 hour spa day, it was so awesome.
I walked over 20 miles
Went to the museum, the navy pier & rode the Ferris wheel, seen a lot of sculptures and art, gave food to the homeless and took advantage of not having any motherly responsibilities.
I would not have changed a thing and now I know I am ready for a week-long vacation.
My son did great with the babysitter and begin home with daddy.
I got home at like 1 am on Monday morning, he woke up while I was laying on the couch and comes to me and says "You came back from Vacation" That just melted my hear and he has been super cuddly since!
have a great week!
Friday night I went to a show with the group, while everyone else was drinking I had a Redbull and water. One person did ask me "Do you not drink?" I told her, in front of the group, "No, I am a recovering alcoholic"
Someone else asked, "Are these situations difficult for you?" I told him "Nope, I have no desire to drink, I don't like how it makes me feel and the things I do"
I put that out there for accountability, and so no one would try to buy a round of shots and include me in that.
Everyone was very respectable and I would talk about it on occasion, make comments of how I was while drinking like, "Oh I would not have remembered anything from that show had I been drinking. I was a chronic balk out drinker"
-I can never forget the relationship I had with alcohol, and I think it is OK if some people know why.
I had a 3 hour spa day, it was so awesome.
I walked over 20 miles
Went to the museum, the navy pier & rode the Ferris wheel, seen a lot of sculptures and art, gave food to the homeless and took advantage of not having any motherly responsibilities.
I would not have changed a thing and now I know I am ready for a week-long vacation.
My son did great with the babysitter and begin home with daddy.
I got home at like 1 am on Monday morning, he woke up while I was laying on the couch and comes to me and says "You came back from Vacation" That just melted my hear and he has been super cuddly since!
have a great week!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by DangerZone
Good job not drinking. I like how you were honest when you answered the 'why don't you drink?' question that we all get. I think it always important to not be ashamed of who we are.
I totally agree, I'm not ashamed of where I have been, it brought me here to sobriety, so hey, why not answer honestly!
I hope you are well
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
New book
I needed a break from the alcohol-related books.
My dear friend is an author, and I have plenty to read from her at the moment.
Alora Kate:
A beautiful Heartbreak
is what I am currently reading, I could not put it down last night, I got to page 99. I am hoping to finish it tonight as this book is a series of 3. She has many books published, 12 I believe.
My favorite so far was A Flaw So Beautiful.
If you are looking for some new reads, check her out! Most are romance type
My dear friend is an author, and I have plenty to read from her at the moment.
Alora Kate:
A beautiful Heartbreak
is what I am currently reading, I could not put it down last night, I got to page 99. I am hoping to finish it tonight as this book is a series of 3. She has many books published, 12 I believe.
My favorite so far was A Flaw So Beautiful.
If you are looking for some new reads, check her out! Most are romance type
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 230
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
I needed a break from the alcohol-related books.
My dear friend is an author, and I have plenty to read from her at the moment.
Alora Kate:
A beautiful Heartbreak
is what I am currently reading, I could not put it down last night, I got to page 99. I am hoping to finish it tonight as this book is a series of 3. She has many books published, 12 I believe.
My favorite so far was A Flaw So Beautiful.
If you are looking for some new reads, check her out! Most are romance type
My dear friend is an author, and I have plenty to read from her at the moment.
Alora Kate:
A beautiful Heartbreak
is what I am currently reading, I could not put it down last night, I got to page 99. I am hoping to finish it tonight as this book is a series of 3. She has many books published, 12 I believe.
My favorite so far was A Flaw So Beautiful.
If you are looking for some new reads, check her out! Most are romance type
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by DangerZone
I love to read DreamCatcher17! Unfortunately I'm not into romantic books but let me know what type of books you look to read maybe I can recommend something for you.
- edited, sorry I though Dee posted this... I love book recommendations. I am all over the place when it comes to books and I will read almost anything as long as it is a page-turner, and keeps me guessing or in suspense, unpredictable is nice too.
I like crime, investigation, biographies, alcohol-related stories of recovery, adventures, romance (50 shades of Grey type), thrillers, action, books I can cry to, interventions, etc... honestly, I am totally open to many different kinds.
I appreciate any suggestions you have. I am going on her 2nd book of the 3 in the series and will probably finish this weekend.
I have read some
Stephan King
Clive Cussler
Dean Koontz
A million little pieces
And many more
Surprisingly, I have not read Harry Potter. I wasn't the biggest fan of the movies, I know that books are better but I think the thickness of the book has steered me away and I feel like it would take me too long to read.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Other People and the affect they have
I woke up feeling so amazing today, my days are getting better and I am becoming happier.
I feel like when things are starting to go well there seems to be someone who wants to take all that away in a matter of a few words.
It hurts the most when that person is your life partner.
I am sitting here at my desk, trying to hold the tears back, trying to tell myself no one has the power to make me feel like I do now, I am in control of my feelings and these words can't hurt me, it is not working. The tape just keeps rolling through my mind of this morning.
My son asking me
"Mom, are you sad?"
Yes, baby, I am sad"
"Did Daddy do it" - I never want to hear these words again coming from my child.
The voice yelling at me, telling me, in not so many words, how horrible of a person I am, how ******** I am, How he has been just waiting for me for 3 years to be the girlfriend he wants, the sex is gone, how I was when I was drinking, and so on.
I am sitting here trying not to pass blame, to see his side. All I can think is he really has not forgiven me for a damn thing, how this is all just a lie, I will never fit the bill to his perfect life, I don't stroke his EGO enough, I don't do this or that, I am not good enough.
While I may have put our relationship on the back burner, he works 7 days a week, is home by 630 every night, drinking a couple drinks, watching TV... When he has free time he chooses to go out with his friends. But I am to fix it. I am not sure how to fix anything when speaking to a brick wall, the wall doesn't talk back, it just holds everything in and then one day out of the blue BAM, the wall crumbles very loud, with force and anger.
At this point, all I can do is put my defense up ( I don't appreciate being yelled at, and I honestly shut down) trying not to say anything at all, let him roar it out. But I don't, I say something, nothing belittling, but I turn it on him. Adding fuel to the fire, STUPID, I know...
I start going through finances in my mind, see what I can afford alone
I see what is available for housing, or if a roommate would work. But I hate sharing space with people I dont know.
I go through all the emotions, I hate you, I hate me, this is so stupid, I want to disappear, I don't want to feel like this, I don't want my son to be like this- Like him in this way.
How do I express anything at this point, talk to him, all I am is angry... Sad... Disappointed... GAWD, he is just like his Father, it is disgusting.
I can do this on my own, I don't NEED anyone. I am strong, independent, it won't be easy but what in life, that is actually worth it, is easy.
Well, in that case, this relationship isn't easy but is it worth it... Is it worth trying again for the millionth time?
I don't care what people think about me, his friends, who said they would all hate me if I broke his heart again... Big deal, they don't pay my bills, live with me,, they think he is perfect for some weird ass reason... All hail TM- the saint of all f*cking saints.
Through all these thoughts and emotions, rage to sadness....
I never once thought "alcohol would make this better, I want a drink"
Nope, not once (well, just to type it out was horrible enough)
I feel like when things are starting to go well there seems to be someone who wants to take all that away in a matter of a few words.
It hurts the most when that person is your life partner.
I am sitting here at my desk, trying to hold the tears back, trying to tell myself no one has the power to make me feel like I do now, I am in control of my feelings and these words can't hurt me, it is not working. The tape just keeps rolling through my mind of this morning.
My son asking me
"Mom, are you sad?"
Yes, baby, I am sad"
"Did Daddy do it" - I never want to hear these words again coming from my child.
The voice yelling at me, telling me, in not so many words, how horrible of a person I am, how ******** I am, How he has been just waiting for me for 3 years to be the girlfriend he wants, the sex is gone, how I was when I was drinking, and so on.
I am sitting here trying not to pass blame, to see his side. All I can think is he really has not forgiven me for a damn thing, how this is all just a lie, I will never fit the bill to his perfect life, I don't stroke his EGO enough, I don't do this or that, I am not good enough.
While I may have put our relationship on the back burner, he works 7 days a week, is home by 630 every night, drinking a couple drinks, watching TV... When he has free time he chooses to go out with his friends. But I am to fix it. I am not sure how to fix anything when speaking to a brick wall, the wall doesn't talk back, it just holds everything in and then one day out of the blue BAM, the wall crumbles very loud, with force and anger.
At this point, all I can do is put my defense up ( I don't appreciate being yelled at, and I honestly shut down) trying not to say anything at all, let him roar it out. But I don't, I say something, nothing belittling, but I turn it on him. Adding fuel to the fire, STUPID, I know...
I start going through finances in my mind, see what I can afford alone
I see what is available for housing, or if a roommate would work. But I hate sharing space with people I dont know.
I go through all the emotions, I hate you, I hate me, this is so stupid, I want to disappear, I don't want to feel like this, I don't want my son to be like this- Like him in this way.
How do I express anything at this point, talk to him, all I am is angry... Sad... Disappointed... GAWD, he is just like his Father, it is disgusting.
I can do this on my own, I don't NEED anyone. I am strong, independent, it won't be easy but what in life, that is actually worth it, is easy.
Well, in that case, this relationship isn't easy but is it worth it... Is it worth trying again for the millionth time?
I don't care what people think about me, his friends, who said they would all hate me if I broke his heart again... Big deal, they don't pay my bills, live with me,, they think he is perfect for some weird ass reason... All hail TM- the saint of all f*cking saints.
Through all these thoughts and emotions, rage to sadness....
I never once thought "alcohol would make this better, I want a drink"
Nope, not once (well, just to type it out was horrible enough)
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
I have a few hours to go before I made another milestone, 3 months. I won't be drinking this evening as I lay in bed next to my little man, he's 2.5 and sick with about 101° fever. I'm not leaving his side. I hope by morning (Christmas eve) he'll be better, we have so many gifts and toys for him, I would love for him to enjoy them!
I've decided to start a thread for easy access to my recovery journey moving forward. Accountability, if you will. Along with struggles, life, goals and whatever else I find I need to share about. All in hopes to help someone else and myself along the way.
These 3 months have been easy, as far as not consuming alcohol. I think why it was so easy for me this time, at least up to this point, is because I've accepted the fact I'm an alcoholic and can no longer have a relationship with alcohol.
This is my 3rd time in 6 years staying clear of booze. This time I also have a son, so there is a difference when it was just me, harming me... Now I can't harm him in the process of harming myself, that's not fair to him.
While I am sober for me as my #1 my little is close at 1.5 😃 my man at #2 reason.
In the past I've been really good up until summer strikes, the hot days on the boat fishing or the excitement of playing softball all summer. My first relapse was July 11th 2012, I was at a softball tournament with my boyfriend (same one I'm currently with) and it was his birthday, I had asked if I could have a drink and I'd watch myself, count my consumption and be really strict with it.
I was... For a few months then I went straight back to my old black out, wild nights.
From here:
I've totaled a brand new car
Replaced new car with used, banged that up 3 times while drunk driving
Got a dwi
Cheated on my boyfriend
(never injured myself or anyone else while driving drunk, THANK GOD)
So, I see absolutely no fun in drinking. Its a very destructive activity.
With it currently being winter I have other things to focus on, my health being a huge one. I have 45 to 60 pounds I'd like to lose by June. I've started the process and am down 16. The holidays aren't helping, so I'm giving myself a bit of a break, I need to stop beating myself up when I eat 80% good that 20% not so good is a mind bender.
I'm getting my creative juices flowing by painting, drawing, crafts and I find so much enjoyment out of the finished product, sometimes. Lol, it's a work in progress just like me.
If you follow along or just browse through. I hope you can get something you need.
Many blessings,
DreamCatcher
I've decided to start a thread for easy access to my recovery journey moving forward. Accountability, if you will. Along with struggles, life, goals and whatever else I find I need to share about. All in hopes to help someone else and myself along the way.
These 3 months have been easy, as far as not consuming alcohol. I think why it was so easy for me this time, at least up to this point, is because I've accepted the fact I'm an alcoholic and can no longer have a relationship with alcohol.
This is my 3rd time in 6 years staying clear of booze. This time I also have a son, so there is a difference when it was just me, harming me... Now I can't harm him in the process of harming myself, that's not fair to him.
While I am sober for me as my #1 my little is close at 1.5 😃 my man at #2 reason.
In the past I've been really good up until summer strikes, the hot days on the boat fishing or the excitement of playing softball all summer. My first relapse was July 11th 2012, I was at a softball tournament with my boyfriend (same one I'm currently with) and it was his birthday, I had asked if I could have a drink and I'd watch myself, count my consumption and be really strict with it.
I was... For a few months then I went straight back to my old black out, wild nights.
From here:
I've totaled a brand new car
Replaced new car with used, banged that up 3 times while drunk driving
Got a dwi
Cheated on my boyfriend
(never injured myself or anyone else while driving drunk, THANK GOD)
So, I see absolutely no fun in drinking. Its a very destructive activity.
With it currently being winter I have other things to focus on, my health being a huge one. I have 45 to 60 pounds I'd like to lose by June. I've started the process and am down 16. The holidays aren't helping, so I'm giving myself a bit of a break, I need to stop beating myself up when I eat 80% good that 20% not so good is a mind bender.
I'm getting my creative juices flowing by painting, drawing, crafts and I find so much enjoyment out of the finished product, sometimes. Lol, it's a work in progress just like me.
If you follow along or just browse through. I hope you can get something you need.
Many blessings,
DreamCatcher
Thank you for the lovely post. Looking forward to sharing in the life you and your little one deserve. Especially you, which is something I am focusing in on this time.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 230
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
I woke up feeling so amazing today, my days are getting better and I am becoming happier.
I feel like when things are starting to go well there seems to be someone who wants to take all that away in a matter of a few words.
It hurts the most when that person is your life partner.
I am sitting here at my desk, trying to hold the tears back, trying to tell myself no one has the power to make me feel like I do now, I am in control of my feelings and these words can't hurt me, it is not working. The tape just keeps rolling through my mind of this morning.
My son asking me
"Mom, are you sad?"
Yes, baby, I am sad"
"Did Daddy do it" - I never want to hear these words again coming from my child.
The voice yelling at me, telling me, in not so many words, how horrible of a person I am, how ******** I am, How he has been just waiting for me for 3 years to be the girlfriend he wants, the sex is gone, how I was when I was drinking, and so on.
I am sitting here trying not to pass blame, to see his side. All I can think is he really has not forgiven me for a damn thing, how this is all just a lie, I will never fit the bill to his perfect life, I don't stroke his EGO enough, I don't do this or that, I am not good enough.
While I may have put our relationship on the back burner, he works 7 days a week, is home by 630 every night, drinking a couple drinks, watching TV... When he has free time he chooses to go out with his friends. But I am to fix it. I am not sure how to fix anything when speaking to a brick wall, the wall doesn't talk back, it just holds everything in and then one day out of the blue BAM, the wall crumbles very loud, with force and anger.
At this point, all I can do is put my defense up ( I don't appreciate being yelled at, and I honestly shut down) trying not to say anything at all, let him roar it out. But I don't, I say something, nothing belittling, but I turn it on him. Adding fuel to the fire, STUPID, I know...
I start going through finances in my mind, see what I can afford alone
I see what is available for housing, or if a roommate would work. But I hate sharing space with people I dont know.
I go through all the emotions, I hate you, I hate me, this is so stupid, I want to disappear, I don't want to feel like this, I don't want my son to be like this- Like him in this way.
How do I express anything at this point, talk to him, all I am is angry... Sad... Disappointed... GAWD, he is just like his Father, it is disgusting.
I can do this on my own, I don't NEED anyone. I am strong, independent, it won't be easy but what in life, that is actually worth it, is easy.
Well, in that case, this relationship isn't easy but is it worth it... Is it worth trying again for the millionth time?
I don't care what people think about me, his friends, who said they would all hate me if I broke his heart again... Big deal, they don't pay my bills, live with me,, they think he is perfect for some weird ass reason... All hail TM- the saint of all f*cking saints.
Through all these thoughts and emotions, rage to sadness....
I never once thought "alcohol would make this better, I want a drink"
Nope, not once (well, just to type it out was horrible enough)
I feel like when things are starting to go well there seems to be someone who wants to take all that away in a matter of a few words.
It hurts the most when that person is your life partner.
I am sitting here at my desk, trying to hold the tears back, trying to tell myself no one has the power to make me feel like I do now, I am in control of my feelings and these words can't hurt me, it is not working. The tape just keeps rolling through my mind of this morning.
My son asking me
"Mom, are you sad?"
Yes, baby, I am sad"
"Did Daddy do it" - I never want to hear these words again coming from my child.
The voice yelling at me, telling me, in not so many words, how horrible of a person I am, how ******** I am, How he has been just waiting for me for 3 years to be the girlfriend he wants, the sex is gone, how I was when I was drinking, and so on.
I am sitting here trying not to pass blame, to see his side. All I can think is he really has not forgiven me for a damn thing, how this is all just a lie, I will never fit the bill to his perfect life, I don't stroke his EGO enough, I don't do this or that, I am not good enough.
While I may have put our relationship on the back burner, he works 7 days a week, is home by 630 every night, drinking a couple drinks, watching TV... When he has free time he chooses to go out with his friends. But I am to fix it. I am not sure how to fix anything when speaking to a brick wall, the wall doesn't talk back, it just holds everything in and then one day out of the blue BAM, the wall crumbles very loud, with force and anger.
At this point, all I can do is put my defense up ( I don't appreciate being yelled at, and I honestly shut down) trying not to say anything at all, let him roar it out. But I don't, I say something, nothing belittling, but I turn it on him. Adding fuel to the fire, STUPID, I know...
I start going through finances in my mind, see what I can afford alone
I see what is available for housing, or if a roommate would work. But I hate sharing space with people I dont know.
I go through all the emotions, I hate you, I hate me, this is so stupid, I want to disappear, I don't want to feel like this, I don't want my son to be like this- Like him in this way.
How do I express anything at this point, talk to him, all I am is angry... Sad... Disappointed... GAWD, he is just like his Father, it is disgusting.
I can do this on my own, I don't NEED anyone. I am strong, independent, it won't be easy but what in life, that is actually worth it, is easy.
Well, in that case, this relationship isn't easy but is it worth it... Is it worth trying again for the millionth time?
I don't care what people think about me, his friends, who said they would all hate me if I broke his heart again... Big deal, they don't pay my bills, live with me,, they think he is perfect for some weird ass reason... All hail TM- the saint of all f*cking saints.
Through all these thoughts and emotions, rage to sadness....
I never once thought "alcohol would make this better, I want a drink"
Nope, not once (well, just to type it out was horrible enough)
All I will say is if there is a situation or a person in your life that is constantly making you upset you need to change it or at the very least reevaluate the situation/person and see what your options are to change the situation/person in some way so you are not constantly upset. Life is too short for that.
Did I mention how proud I am that you haven't drank in this stressful situation?
Oh I'm going to PM you some book recommendations. I've just been swamped with work!
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
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Originally Posted by DangerZone
Reread your post DreamCatcher17. The answer is screaming at you in your own words. I think deep down you know what to do.
All I will say is if there is a situation or a person in your life that is constantly making you upset you need to change it or at the very least reevaluate the situation/person and see what your options are to change the situation/person in some way so you are not constantly upset. Life is too short for that.
Did I mention how proud I am that you haven't drank in this stressful situation?
Oh I'm going to PM you some book recommendations. I've just been swamped with work!
All I will say is if there is a situation or a person in your life that is constantly making you upset you need to change it or at the very least reevaluate the situation/person and see what your options are to change the situation/person in some way so you are not constantly upset. Life is too short for that.
Did I mention how proud I am that you haven't drank in this stressful situation?
Oh I'm going to PM you some book recommendations. I've just been swamped with work!
Yes, it looks completely obvious, huh? I can see it, I can feel it, the hardest part is the action.
I look forward to your book recommendations!
Sobriety is keeping me sane through this rough patch, that is for damn sure!
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