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why can't i stop drinking

Old 07-27-2017, 10:45 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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When the pain of drinking outweighs the pleasure of drinking you will be ready.
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Old 07-27-2017, 10:56 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Maggie;

Hello and welcome.

I share most of you story and had the same shame. Only at home, thinking most did not know but had many nights (and even holidays) that I blacked out and could not remember. At first this really scared me! How could I do something to myself so that I would not remember what I did? And was I in control then? The power of the addictive drug made me keep going.

I am a big believer in self-responsibility and owning my decisions. But I also could not get myself to stop, or so I thought! I had convinced myself that I could not stop. When I talked about it with my wife, she would ask me why I drank so much. I had been doing it for too long that all I could say (that made sense to me) is "Thats what I do"! How silly is that.

I went to a therapist and when I told her I believed I could not stop drinking, she said that is ridiculous! Unless someone is forcing booze down your throat, it was me deciding to drink After more talk it became clear how I was deciding to drink and obvious that I could decide not to drink. Her telling me that I can stop made me believe.

Maggie, I am telling you that you can stop! It is your choice! Is it easy, of course not. But you are in control of you. You can do it!

Sending all the positive energy I have your way!

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Old 07-27-2017, 11:28 AM
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When I don't drink I feel a lot of pain and anger. My marriage is miserable most of the time. Nothing bad, nothing to put a finger on, just nothingness. My husband goes through the motions of what passes for normal in relationships, but underneath that, there is nothing. I deal with everything alone. Being a person who is interactive, relational, and outgoing, I have found the lack of real relationship to be intolerable. I started drinking to ease our nights together. It didn't help. Then I started doing it alone, and the rest you all know. I don't intend to blame him for my choices. I have not coped well with the isolation and rejection at all. Do you all really care to hear all of this? I feel like a nitwit even telling all this. I hide it. I never talk about how my marriage is. We go to church, do things together, and appear normal. No one knows the truth. Now you all here do. It is silent hell.
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Old 07-27-2017, 11:37 AM
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if you are a nitwit, you are a very brave and honest one!

it's very difficult to "escape" when the are problems in the home, with a partner. but as you have seen, drinking didn't really HELP you in the long run. yes, it is likely that without alcohol you will feel things more intensely again. but that will even out in time. i believe with a clear head and healthy body, you will be able to face your challenges head on and make good choices.

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Old 07-27-2017, 11:57 AM
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The intensity is really hard for me to manage. Last night was awful. I only had one glass of wine, with benadryl, to finally go to sleep. I was squatting alone on the floor of my kitchen, sobbing silently, after yet another unpleasant evening together. I actually had the urge to cut, which I have not done since I was a distressed teenager. I just called a psychologist to make an appt. I need help. I'm falling apart trying to manage my life alone. My babies are beautiful and they heard us fighting yet again last night. (edit is to add that distressed teenager was over 20 years ago)
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Old 07-27-2017, 11:57 AM
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aasharon90 -

That was an amazing message and very 'sobering' to read........

Bless you.
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Old 07-27-2017, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by maybemaggie View Post
The intensity is really hard for me to manage. Last night was awful. I only had one glass of wine, with benadryl, to finally go to sleep. I was squatting alone on the floor of my kitchen, sobbing silently, after yet another unpleasant evening together. I actually had the urge to cut, which I have not done since I was a distressed teenager. I just called a psychologist to make an appt. I need help. I'm falling apart trying to manage my life alone. My babies are beautiful and they heard us fighting yet again last night. (edit is to add that distressed teenager was over 20 years ago)
It is so difficult.
Glad you reaching out for help...
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Old 07-27-2017, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by aasharon90 View Post
Happy, joyous and free.

I hope to be that as time goes by I can say the same for myself. I am glad you survived all you went through. Appreciate you and everyone who is taking the time to talk to me.

Ah, got the quote right now!

Last edited by maybemaggie; 07-27-2017 at 12:18 PM. Reason: quote came out weird
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Old 07-27-2017, 12:21 PM
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You are not a nitwit. You are a human being with suffering and trials. You're entitled to feel how you feel, and sharing that is a good start to healing and becoming better. Hugs to you.
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Old 07-27-2017, 12:56 PM
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Drinking makes everything feel worse. I know it seems like drinking soothes you and numbs you, but it actually magnifies depression and anxiety.

So it becomes this hellish circle - wake up either hungover or plain tired/flat from bad sleep, crave, drink, either black out or pass out, wake up, rinse/repeat.

No one can be truly close to another person when alcohol has such influence. It makes us have tunnel vision - eyes fixed only on problems, misery, disappointments - anything to justify buying yet another bottle of wine.

I really get it. It will feel completely unnnatural to stop doing it, but it is the only way to create peace in your mind.
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Old 07-27-2017, 01:00 PM
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This peace cannot come from anyone or anything external. It is an inside job. Regardless of whether you stay in your marriage or think through the logistics of leaving, you need clarity and peace to make good decisions. Alcohol will eliminate any chance at clarity and peace.
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Old 07-27-2017, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by madgirl View Post
Drinking makes everything feel worse. I know it seems like drinking soothes you and numbs you, but it actually magnifies depression and anxiety.

So it becomes this hellish circle - wake up either hungover or plain tired/flat from bad sleep, crave, drink, either black out or pass out, wake up, rinse/repeat.

No one can be truly close to another person when alcohol has such influence. It makes us have tunnel vision - eyes fixed only on problems, misery, disappointments - anything to justify buying yet another bottle of wine.

I really get it. It will feel completely unnnatural to stop doing it, but it is the only way to create peace in your mind.
I agree with what you are saying about alcohol magnifying the problems. It is hard for me to see alcohol as the biggest problem because I want to believe my marriage issues are the biggest problem. Those came first. But I am trying to hear you over noise in my head. It is hard.
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Old 07-27-2017, 01:07 PM
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I promise I am not picking on you. I felt very much the same as you!

Can't fix the relationship in active alcoholism.
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Old 07-27-2017, 01:22 PM
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I know you are right. I have to find a way to live in this situation and not drink. That is the thing I feel hopeless about. I just don't think I can do it. Pick away, I am not the kind of person to be defensive unless it gets really yucky. I need intelligent feedback from people outside of my bubble.
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Old 07-27-2017, 01:45 PM
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So I need a plan for tonight. Normally if I am trying not to drink, I will take benadryl, like 3, with a glass of wine, which knocks me completely out. It seems better than staying up all night swilling wine, and waking up feeling like death, with two small kids to parent all day. I know doing this isn't ideal, but it feels like a step away from alcoholism. Am I fooling myself? Is this just another escape from reality? Or a reasonable first step?
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Old 07-27-2017, 02:17 PM
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Dear, sweet Maggie. You are here and that is what is important. Please stay close.
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Old 07-27-2017, 02:28 PM
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Normally if I am trying not to drink, I will take benadryl, like 3, with a glass of wine

maggie, take a look at that statement again....do you see the insanity? the warped thinking? not drinking by drinking.....

how about get rid of all the booze and don't drink tonite, period. you have to start somewhere. there is no EASY way to do it. you can't back in to sobriety.

you have small children than need you sober - not knocked out cold. what if something were to happen? what is you were in a state and were not able to respond? if you don't wanna sleep with the old man, make a nest on the couch.
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Old 07-27-2017, 02:39 PM
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when the pain of getting drunk finally exceeded the pain of reality and i was given the gift of desperation, i found my way to AA, got the big book, started reading it, went to meetings, prayed like crazy, started working the program, went to meetings, prayed like crazy, read the big book.....repeated.
and i ceased fighting anyone or anything-even alcohol, for sanity had returned. i was granted a new freedom and new happiness. i comprehended serenity and knew peace. the feelings of uselessness and self pity disappeared. i didnt regret the past nor wished to shut the door on it.my whole attitude and outlook on life changed.
i recovered from alcoholism and loved myself.
and a whole lot more happened for me.
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Old 07-27-2017, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by maybemaggie View Post
So I need a plan for tonight. Normally if I am trying not to drink, I will take benadryl, like 3, with a glass of wine, which knocks me completely out. It seems better than staying up all night swilling wine, and waking up feeling like death, with two small kids to parent all day. I know doing this isn't ideal, but it feels like a step away from alcoholism. Am I fooling myself? Is this just another escape from reality? Or a reasonable first step?
the escape from reality hasnt been working. if it did, you wouldnt have to keep doing it over and over.
something that seems to have worked for me and countless others is facing reality and learning how to live life on lifes terms.

no, it is NOT a reasonable first step,imo. it is an example of insanity.

a reasonable first step would be surrender- admit alcohol has ya licked.
then be willing to do ANYTHING for victory over alcohol- be willing to go to ANY lengths.
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Old 07-27-2017, 03:00 PM
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Welcome Maggie
You will only find friends and help here.
Stick close. Post every minute if you have to.
Make sure you don't have wine in your house tonight.
Sleep if you have to, eat if you have to, take a dozen showers, post all night, just don't drink tonight
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