When I don't drink I feel a lot of pain and anger. My marriage is miserable most of the time. Nothing bad, nothing to put a finger on, just nothingness. My husband goes through the motions of what passes for normal in relationships, but underneath that, there is nothing. I deal with everything alone. Being a person who is interactive, relational, and outgoing, I have found the lack of real relationship to be intolerable. I started drinking to ease our nights together. It didn't help. Then I started doing it alone, and the rest you all know. I don't intend to blame him for my choices. I have not coped well with the isolation and rejection at all. Do you all really care to hear all of this? I feel like a nitwit even telling all this. I hide it. I never talk about how my marriage is. We go to church, do things together, and appear normal. No one knows the truth. Now you all here do. It is silent hell.