Hawkeye13

It's hard to keep balance when dealing with a situation like this--

I think you are doing a good job keeping aware of what might need adjustment.
It's almost like you are "balancing for two" and doing that, there's bound to be a bit of wobble.

Hugs to you both--I think of you often EG

Gonnachange

It was nice to read that Mary Ann is doing well. You have a lot on your plate so it's understandable that your stress levels would be higher than normal. Do what you can to take care of yourself; as has been mentioned it doesn't necessarily have to be anything grandiose. A walk in the park, better food choices, etc. Be well and I will keep you and your sister in my thoughts.

RobbyRobot

(((Mary Ann))) and (((EndGame)))

All my best strengths to you both, my friend.

site1Q84

Just caught up on this thread. So sorry to hear about Mary Ann, but I'm glad to read that you both seem to be handling it well, or as best you can for a situation like that. I'm really happy the chemo isn't make her sick. It's hard to have any hope when you're feeling physically awful. It's also great because she can now really enjoy the time away from work, like you mentioned.

Keeping you both in prayers!

aussieblue

Continued prayers for you and your family EndGame.

EndGameNYC

Botched up something at work yesterday. Saw it coming, but did nothing. Just thought "Eff it!" Not like the sober me at all. I was feeling very vulnerable and didn't do what I needed to do. Today I need to go in and arrange for damage control. Reminds of the bad old days. Very disturbing.

Della1968

Difference is you didn't continue to say Eff it

Venecia

That's uncharacteristic, friend.

Couple thoughts before I dash out the door:

1) Can reinforcements be brought in to help with your sister's care? It's a big load for one set of shoulders.

2) Extra time with your therapist?

In other words, more self care. Your ability to care for others is profound. You need it too.

We're here for you, EndGame. Sending a massive hug your way.

LBrain

Sounds like you were a bit out of sorts yesterday. Tighten the belt on those big boy pants and get through the day my friend.

Aellyce

I'm so sorry about all this, my friend. You know what I've been thinking a few times already? Not just reading your post here from today. That perhaps you react to the recent stresses in the wrong way -- instead of finding more time to relax and engaging in non-demanging activities and with people who might lift you up, you take on more work, more responsibilities, more desire to help Mary Ann...

Isn't whatever happened at work a sign that you perhaps need to do less of that and more relaxation? I know you enough to see that this may be challenging for you, but... better to stop the process before it gets further, you know? It's quite obvious from your recent posts (and PMs) that things are not exactly right for you at the moment, probably in a few ways. I think that is a totally normal and expected reaction to intense stress, especially combined with depressive spells you may have had even before. I am sure this is not the only time you experience something like this in sobriety... what sorts of things helped before?

I have thought since the beginning of this story with Mary Ann that instead of putting her in the center of your universe, perhaps keeping some realistic boundaries and letting others care for her might be a better longer term approach. You also say that she is doing and coping quite well, and is strong mentally.

Of course, all this reminds me of my own struggle with my dad also... you know, those boundaries really help. Limiting mental and practical energy invested into thinking about him, interacting with him, and spending time with trying to do stuff for him. Because realistically, we cannot change the natural course of reality. It sounds like Mary Ann is already getting the best care -- I think you might need more of that also...

I did not comment earlier, but was also thinking reading that you took on this new course on Grief, Death, and Dying... to be honest, I had mixed feelings about that. Someone on this thread suggested that it might be therapeutic for you right now, and I am sure it would be for some people. But is it, for you, right here and now? You already know that you tend to have difficulties and hard times dealing with these things in your reality, so adding more of the same even if only on the theoretical levels... I may be seeing this wrong, just sharing thoughts I had.

Please do whatever is necessary to lift you out of these things a little, rather than digging into it even deeper. I totally understand the urges to dig into it though... I have the same tendency unless I very consciously set boundaries to myself, and one of the most important parts of this is actually setting limits to my related thought processes, fantasies and theoretical inclinations. It's hard because I need to go against the current of my natural desires, but the only way to keep me from going crazy at times.

Sending love and hugs, my friend

RobbyRobot

Hi EndGame.

Sorry to hear about your feeling very vulnerable yesterday. I hope your efforts today for damage control will suffice for yesterday. I'm much in agreement with haennie's insights and suggestions, and haven't much too add, she has really covered all the bases.

I can say, speaking as a patient, it takes a lot of effort to care and look after me. There are so many dynamic levels and so on. As soon as we add in personal relationships like sister/ brother and husband /wife things can really become entangled both positively and not so positively.

I think it's okay for care of our loved ones to be in a well organized collective of helping hands. I know for me personally, its the way I'm going to suggest for my own care.

In any case, as always, I admire you, my good friend EndGame.
Hope your day is better and remains so going forward.

Dee74

I've no doubt it was disturbing, EndGame.

This whole situation must be incredibly wearing on you.

The difference is you're not 'old you' anymore - no matter how vulnerable you feel or how many times you say eff it

Maybe, if anything, take this as a sign that you might need more attention to your own needs too ?

D

Verte

In all seriousness, you are human EndGame.

With regards to work, even when you know better, you are allowed to 'eff up. You do not have to know everything. And explaining your circumstances to a trusted superior is not the same as making excuses. From an outside (friend from afar) perspective, even if you are sitting still, there has been a seismic shift in your reality. There is no surprise that things within have jiggled loose a bit.

This post is meant to be comforting as it appears as if you are quite conscientious irl in so many ways. Yes, you work and function in the clinical realm; however, your life, your being, is not and no amount of conscientiousness can change this or prevent what must happen from happening. It is OK to be affected by your sister's experience and not know exactly how.

Take a giant hug, EG.

EndGameNYC

So I walked through yet another alternate reality today.

Last night, one of my colleagues emailed me, asking me about what happened yesterday at work. I told him what I did and did not do, and he just shrugged it off with an "everyone makes mistakes." I emailed a couple of other of my colleagues, and didn't get much of a response from them either, after explaining what I'd done.

I went into work this morning, prepared to take full responsibility for what I'd done and make amends and...nobody cared. It was as though they all convinced themselves that they had hallucinated the whole thing, and went about their business as though nothing happened. Reminded me of that old line, "I can't get arrested in this town."

The thing of it is, it mattered to me. This whole thing has been brewing for a time, at work and within myself. It rests superficially on a policy at work with which I disagree, but went along with in order to keep the peace. It's basically about me being available "in case we need you" when I can be doing something better with my time, either at work or at home. Well, they've never needed me. Until, of course, yesterday, when I made myself unavailable. Having a bad week with lower back pain from stress, of all things, not sleeping well, and trying to do too much. So instead of making myself available, I said "Eff it!" (No living organism was hurt in the filming of this calamity, and there was no possibility that anyone would be hurt.) I went home and got some much-needed rest instead. But I also didn't tell anyone about it. It's a stupid policy anyway, right? Right?!!! It wasn't so much a failure in judgment -- I knew what the right thing to do was -- but a failure in attitude and behavior. A command decision based on what I wanted, without taking into account what others might need of me. I have no problem with accepting that. I was fully aware that what I did was wrong, and on many levels.

What's perhaps most disturbing for me is that this is the kind of thing that I did routinely in the months and years leading up to my relapse. I cut corners, lowered my expectations for myself, let things slide, disappointed other people and changed the rules at work to suit me, even when I didn't have the authority to do so. I once gave myself an unauthorized raise, not because I needed the money (it wasn't much), but because I "deserved" it for working so hard. "I've got an attitude problem, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Prior to my relapse, my attitude and behaviors changed for the worse, slowly at first, until it became a simple thing for me to change the rules in my favor whenever I wanted to, both in my personal and professional life. I even got three moving violations within eighteen months during that time, and was awarded with a restricted license, to and from work. Last night, while I was mulling over all of this, two separate experiences flashed back to me, one personal and the other professional, in which I pushed the envelope beyond any reasonable boundaries, and then paid for it dearly. Each one a few years before I ever picked up the drink.

Being who I am, I cannot simply brush myself off and get back on the horse (why is it always a horse?). I cannot just "accept it for what it was," leave it in the past, and hope for a better future. Not gonna happen. Life-changing events often begin with quiet and subtle changes, an itch that goes unscratched, a 'T' that's left uncrossed, an unmet commitment that no one else seems to care about.

It's late and I'm tired, but I do want to thank people here for their thoughts and their support on all of this. Yes, this was an indication that I was taking on too much, and my response was to displace my feelings by gratuitously striking out at...what? A policy? Not having my way? Taking matters into my own hands without reaching out for help? Potentially leaving others in a lurch because it was what, their fault that I found myself in this condition? All of this and more.

But your support also confirms that you "get" me, you know me for who I am, and for what I've been, what I can be and what I can become. For that, I am most grateful.

I see things much differently tonight than I have in some time, and I can tell you without reservation that this is a tremendous relief for me. I don't know anywhere else where I can get this kind of support and this kind of insight, with the exception of those I love in my non-SR life.

Thank you so much. You all are and remain very dear to me.

Dee74

I can certainly identify with how you feel EndGame...I've felt the same way many times, including sometimes here on SR.

It's not wrong to have high standards - as long as you realise it's likely noone else will ever share those standards with you

I think tho, it is wrong if you're suffering in any way from those high standards.

I was the King of Stoicism and the Prince of Responsibility.

Looking back, my work ethic in my early recovery years was a lot like my drinking ethic - full steam ahead and damn the consequences (to me).

I've, finally, learned a little balance.

What I once would have thought of as a selfish decision to step away and take a break from work, I now see as a necessary - sometimes mandatory - decision, even if it does mean sometimes someone else has to pull up the slack.

I'm not indestructible and I'm not impervious.
I'm not indispensible either.

Realising all those things was a revelation to me

D

RobbyRobot

Ironically, I'm too sleepy just now to give a better response. I do want to say though that for every responsibility folk such as us have decided to own and tether ourselves with, it has long been my policy to also remind my self that perfection in performance to said responsibilities is a poor measure of actual responsibility, since perfection itself is at best an ideal, and at worst impractical.

It's always best to measure our responsibilities with an eye to our real-time humanity, yeah?

Such beautiful shares from so many wonderful people. How awesome.

Aellyce

I completely agree with what Dee and Robby said. Also, it sounds like it's been a profound and valuable experience for you full of lessons and insights -- so not such a bad outcome after all?

One more thing: maybe I'm wrong but from your story, it sounds like the work policy you got into conflict with, even if only you care about it right now, might come back and potentially cause (at least) dilemmas and discomfort also in the future... If so, perhaps it would be a good idea to discuss it with the relevant people in the appropriate way, sooner rather than later, to avoid having to "work around it" again? Probably the reaction of your colleagues (blind eye to what happened) shows that it's far from being your problem alone, and you are absolutely not the only one who attempted to ignore it? In that case, perhaps it might actually be very helpful and progressive to bring it up openly and, if possible, find a workable compromise/solution? Reform?

In any case, I totally relate to the years of slowly but surely accumulating overload and then irresponsible behaviors preceding the take off of my alcoholism in the past. Not the same ways and attitudes you are describing, maybe because I wasn't in such a high profile position back then, but I definitely burned myself out pretty effectively trying to meet my own, often unrealistic, standards. I thought about this many times in sobriety and analyzed it in a million different ways, but it's basically the same lesson and conclusion: I will never attempt to stress myself constantly that way again and to ignore my well being in such a habitual way. Never, for anything, there is nothing that could be worth it and I know now how dangerous it is.

Btw, the kinds of things you described for your past... well, I see those all the time in my profession. Not saying this to put it in any lighter context, just that I think it's very common in certain professional fields, circuits, and levels. But you know what: I think if we want to make precedent and show others how to do real quality work that is also feasible and sustainable, one great thing to show as an example is how to live a more balanced, realistic, humane lifestyle -- both at work and outside. What Dee and Robby said.

Being vulnerable is not a bad thing at all... why is it so hard for some of us to accept this permanently?!

EndGameNYC

True.

I think it to myself plenty of times, but rarely act on it in the way that I did.

EndGameNYC

Thank you, Venecia.

Mary Ann continues to struggle with denial, though she's also been making plans for the worst possible outcome. As you and others have suggested, I've taken a lot of this on myself. It's as though I'm compensating for her denial by grieving in advance. After all, her condition has not gotten any worse since her surgery, nearly two months ago. I'm seeing my therapist next week for an extra session.

Mary Ann doesn't need care in the sense that she cannot take care of herself. She's nearly fully functional in that regard. Her (for now) healthy sense denial prevents her from getting involved in support groups, which she knows are available, or seeking out counseling. We've talked about this on a few occasions. I know that this will change, and now is not the time to push her in that direction.

Thanks again for your support.

EndGameNYC

Thanks, LB.

When I was egging out on your thread yesterday, I'd had yet to resolve what I imagined would be a larger issue at work. I suppose my stress response yesterday was grounded in a preoccupation with frivolity. Even before I left for work yesterday, I'd made peace with myself around the whole situation, for the most part. In the grander scheme of things, what I did created confusion rather than chaos. What was troubling for me was that I was all too familiar with the behavior and the attitude, both of which brought me back to a very dark time in my life.