And that's the way it is.
So I walked through yet another alternate reality today.
Last night, one of my colleagues emailed me, asking me about what happened yesterday at work. I told him what I did and did not do, and he just shrugged it off with an "everyone makes mistakes." I emailed a couple of other of my colleagues, and didn't get much of a response from them either, after explaining what I'd done.
I went into work this morning, prepared to take full responsibility for what I'd done and make amends and...nobody cared. It was as though they all convinced themselves that they had hallucinated the whole thing, and went about their business as though nothing happened. Reminded me of that old line, "I can't get arrested in this town."
The thing of it is, it mattered to me. This whole thing has been brewing for a time, at work and within myself. It rests superficially on a policy at work with which I disagree, but went along with in order to keep the peace. It's basically about me being available "in case we need you" when I can be doing something better with my time, either at work or at home. Well, they've never needed me. Until, of course, yesterday, when I made myself unavailable. Having a bad week with lower back pain from stress, of all things, not sleeping well, and trying to do too much. So instead of making myself available, I said "Eff it!" (No living organism was hurt in the filming of this calamity, and there was no possibility that anyone would be hurt.) I went home and got some much-needed rest instead. But I also didn't tell anyone about it. It's a stupid policy anyway, right? Right?!!! It wasn't so much a failure in judgment -- I knew what the right thing to do was -- but a failure in attitude and behavior. A command decision based on what I wanted, without taking into account what others might need of me. I have no problem with accepting that. I was fully aware that what I did was wrong, and on many levels.
What's perhaps most disturbing for me is that this is the kind of thing that I did routinely in the months and years leading up to my relapse. I cut corners, lowered my expectations for myself, let things slide, disappointed other people and changed the rules at work to suit me, even when I didn't have the authority to do so. I once gave myself an unauthorized raise, not because I needed the money (it wasn't much), but because I "deserved" it for working so hard. "I've got an attitude problem, and I'm not afraid to use it!"
Prior to my relapse, my attitude and behaviors changed for the worse, slowly at first, until it became a simple thing for me to change the rules in my favor whenever I wanted to, both in my personal and professional life. I even got three moving violations within eighteen months during that time, and was awarded with a restricted license, to and from work. Last night, while I was mulling over all of this, two separate experiences flashed back to me, one personal and the other professional, in which I pushed the envelope beyond any reasonable boundaries, and then paid for it dearly. Each one a few years before I ever picked up the drink.
Being who I am, I cannot simply brush myself off and get back on the horse (why is it always a horse?). I cannot just "accept it for what it was," leave it in the past, and hope for a better future. Not gonna happen. Life-changing events often begin with quiet and subtle changes, an itch that goes unscratched, a 'T' that's left uncrossed, an unmet commitment that no one else seems to care about.
It's late and I'm tired, but I do want to thank people here for their thoughts and their support on all of this. Yes, this was an indication that I was taking on too much, and my response was to displace my feelings by gratuitously striking out at...what? A policy? Not having my way? Taking matters into my own hands without reaching out for help? Potentially leaving others in a lurch because it was what, their fault that I found myself in this condition? All of this and more.
But your support also confirms that you "get" me, you know me for who I am, and for what I've been, what I can be and what I can become. For that, I am most grateful.
I see things much differently tonight than I have in some time, and I can tell you without reservation that this is a tremendous relief for me. I don't know anywhere else where I can get this kind of support and this kind of insight, with the exception of those I love in my non-SR life.
Thank you so much. You all are and remain very dear to me.