I'm so sorry about all this, my friend. You know what I've been thinking a few times already? Not just reading your post here from today. That perhaps you react to the recent stresses in the wrong way -- instead of finding more time to relax and engaging in non-demanging activities and with people who might lift you up, you take on more work, more responsibilities, more desire to help Mary Ann...
Isn't whatever happened at work a sign that you perhaps need to do less of that and more relaxation? I know you enough to see that this may be challenging for you, but... better to stop the process before it gets further, you know? It's quite obvious from your recent posts (and PMs) that things are not exactly right for you at the moment, probably in a few ways. I think that is a totally normal and expected reaction to intense stress, especially combined with depressive spells you may have had even before. I am sure this is not the only time you experience something like this in sobriety... what sorts of things helped before?
I have thought since the beginning of this story with Mary Ann that instead of putting her in the center of your universe, perhaps keeping some realistic boundaries and letting others care for her might be a better longer term approach. You also say that she is doing and coping quite well, and is strong mentally.
Of course, all this reminds me of my own struggle with my dad also... you know, those boundaries
really help. Limiting mental and practical energy invested into thinking about him, interacting with him, and spending time with trying to do stuff for him. Because realistically, we cannot change the natural course of reality. It sounds like Mary Ann is already getting the best care -- I think you might need more of that also...
I did not comment earlier, but was also thinking reading that you took on this new course on Grief, Death, and Dying... to be honest, I had mixed feelings about that. Someone on this thread suggested that it might be therapeutic for you right now, and I am sure it would be for some people. But is it, for you, right here and now? You already know that you tend to have difficulties and hard times dealing with these things in your reality, so adding more of the same even if only on the theoretical levels... I may be seeing this wrong, just sharing thoughts I had.
Please do whatever is necessary to lift you out of these things a little, rather than digging into it even deeper. I totally understand the urges to dig into it though... I have the same tendency unless I very consciously set boundaries to myself, and one of the most important parts of this is actually setting limits to my related thought processes, fantasies and theoretical inclinations. It's hard because I need to go against the current of my natural desires, but the only way to keep me from going crazy at times.
Sending love and hugs, my friend
