The thing of it is, it mattered to me. This whole thing has been brewing for a time, at work and within myself. It rests superficially on a policy at work with which I disagree, but went along with in order to keep the peace. It's basically about me being available "in case we need you" when I can be doing something better with my time, either at work or at home. Well, they've never needed me. Until, of course, yesterday, when I made myself unavailable. Having a bad week with lower back pain from stress, of all things, not sleeping well, and trying to do too much. So instead of making myself available, I said "Eff it!" (No living organism was hurt in the filming of this calamity, and there was no possibility that anyone would be hurt.) I went home and got some much-needed rest instead. But I also didn't tell anyone about it. It's a stupid policy anyway, right? Right?!!! It wasn't so much a failure in judgment -- I knew what the right thing to do was -- but a failure in attitude and behavior. A command decision based on what I wanted, without taking into account what others might need of me. I have no problem with accepting that. I was fully aware that what I did was wrong, and on many levels.
I can certainly identify with how you feel EndGame...I've felt the same way many times, including sometimes here on SR.
It's not wrong to have high standards - as long as you realise it's likely noone else will ever share those standards with you
I think tho, it is wrong if you're suffering in any way from those high standards.
I was the King of Stoicism and the Prince of Responsibility.
Looking back, my work ethic in my early recovery years was a lot like my drinking ethic - full steam ahead and damn the consequences (to me).
I've, finally, learned a little balance.
What I once would have thought of as a selfish decision to step away and take a break from work, I now see as a necessary - sometimes mandatory - decision, even if it does mean sometimes someone else has to pull up the slack.
I'm not indestructible and I'm not impervious.
I'm not indispensible either.
Realising all those things was a revelation to me
D