The other shoe drops.
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Continued good thoughts for your sister and yourself, EG.
As I said earlier on this thread, I think I understand this kind of behavior somewhat: someone "strong", fiercely independent, very active, successful, prone to blocking out things that could go wrong (I think that is often required for a leader to be really successful), as long as it's possible. There have been quite a few people with similar tendencies in my life. It's not surprising to me that she has delayed emotional reactions at all. I hope she will find some peace eventually; it's fantastic that you can be there for her to the extent that you are. It's great that NYC certainly has some of the best doctors in fields that may be relevant to her condition.
I could not agree more with this.
Best wishes to both of you
As I said earlier on this thread, I think I understand this kind of behavior somewhat: someone "strong", fiercely independent, very active, successful, prone to blocking out things that could go wrong (I think that is often required for a leader to be really successful), as long as it's possible. There have been quite a few people with similar tendencies in my life. It's not surprising to me that she has delayed emotional reactions at all. I hope she will find some peace eventually; it's fantastic that you can be there for her to the extent that you are. It's great that NYC certainly has some of the best doctors in fields that may be relevant to her condition.
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC 
In terms of medical problems (and perhaps many other things in life), when you don't know, your anxiety is generally out of control, and this adversely influences virtually every part of your life. (As with drinking, we continue to drink because of our anxieties around the problems that drinking brings, only making things worse.) When you do know, anxiety subsides or at least is transferred to something tangible, something that can be treated. You then have an opportunity to channel all that wasted fear, the wasted energy, by doing the things that are necessary to heal. Some people here might call this "acceptance."
Best wishes to both of you
EndGame
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Originally Posted by haennie
I think I understand this kind of behavior somewhat: someone "strong", fiercely independent, very active, successful, prone to blocking out things that could go wrong (I think that is often required for a leader to be really successful), as long as it's possible. There have been quite a few people with similar tendencies in my life. It's not surprising to me that she has delayed emotional reactions at all. I hope she will find some peace eventually...
Thank you again for your support.
I spoke with Mary Ann yesterday about this very thing. I told her that focused, driven and successful people often neglect other areas of their lives. In her case, it's been her health, among other things. She's all guilty and filled with remorse over her years of heavy smoking, and is concerned that people are blaming her for her current condition. This is not simply a projection on her part, but also the result of people counseling her over the years to quit smoking.
We had a very good discussion about all these things but, as most of us know, it takes time and a great deal of care to get beyond the thoughts we use to hurt ourselves when things go wrong.
pray for strength
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Hi Endgame,
The safest, most comforting place for Mary Ann at this time is where things were, but it will not always feel this way. Hopefully emotions will cycle and eff-bombs will drop. Should anyone give Mary Ann a copy of When Bad Things Happen to Good People just let her know that it makes an excellent fly swatter and spring is on the way. It also makes a great drink coaster.
This is tough. Very tough. You know this already, EndGame. Just being there without judgement and not expecting her to be anything but what she is at the moment is a great thing. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
The safest, most comforting place for Mary Ann at this time is where things were, but it will not always feel this way. Hopefully emotions will cycle and eff-bombs will drop. Should anyone give Mary Ann a copy of When Bad Things Happen to Good People just let her know that it makes an excellent fly swatter and spring is on the way. It also makes a great drink coaster.
This is tough. Very tough. You know this already, EndGame. Just being there without judgement and not expecting her to be anything but what she is at the moment is a great thing.
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
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Endgame, I know the tremendous effort you are putting in to support you sister, but I hope that you are taking care of yourself also.
To your point about not knowing, I completely agree. I call it the "limbo stage" and it's not a nice place to be. Once facts are known then a plan can be put in place.
Wishing only best for your sister.
To your point about not knowing, I completely agree. I call it the "limbo stage" and it's not a nice place to be. Once facts are known then a plan can be put in place.
Wishing only best for your sister.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 10,658
Yes--as Verte suggests, really being present is a gift so few family members truly give each other.
Of course she's stir crazy and back-engineering. That's what smart, highly-driven people do when they can't act or fix the immediate problem.
Some practices to get back into her body might be helpful like gentle yin yoga or mindfulness meditation. Or would that be too woo woo for her?
I thought it was for me until I actually tried it. Amazing stuff really.
Thinking of you both
Of course she's stir crazy and back-engineering. That's what smart, highly-driven people do when they can't act or fix the immediate problem.
Some practices to get back into her body might be helpful like gentle yin yoga or mindfulness meditation. Or would that be too woo woo for her?
I thought it was for me until I actually tried it. Amazing stuff really.
Thinking of you both
EndGame
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Next Phase
Not all good, but not a catastrophe.
Mary Ann's surgeon told her that they found indications of cancer away from her brain, so she needs to see an oncologist, someone who specializes in chemotherapy and someone who specializes in radiation therapy next week. She was, of course, distraught. I was again grateful that I was able to be there for her. He also told her that, otherwise, she is in good health, a surprise for both of us.
Later on, we spoke about things like the power of support. I told her about the details of my relapse through my recovery (the short version) for the first time, focusing on the crucial role that support played and continues to play in my recovery. If you know my story, then you know that it did not at all resemble a straight line from relapse to recovery. She seems open to whatever it is that might help her, but it's still early. I'm expecting mood swings and, eventually, rage, which will be a good thing.
She's also talking about the idea of not returning to work at all, having in her own way bottomed out on taking care of people at work, which is a significant part of her personal and professional history. Putting out fires, cleaning up messes, righting other people's wrongs...Despite the fact that doing this has contributed to her great success, she's just tired of it all right now, and more interested in taking care of herself. I was very happy hear this.
Will continue to update.
Mary Ann's surgeon told her that they found indications of cancer away from her brain, so she needs to see an oncologist, someone who specializes in chemotherapy and someone who specializes in radiation therapy next week. She was, of course, distraught. I was again grateful that I was able to be there for her. He also told her that, otherwise, she is in good health, a surprise for both of us.
Later on, we spoke about things like the power of support. I told her about the details of my relapse through my recovery (the short version) for the first time, focusing on the crucial role that support played and continues to play in my recovery. If you know my story, then you know that it did not at all resemble a straight line from relapse to recovery. She seems open to whatever it is that might help her, but it's still early. I'm expecting mood swings and, eventually, rage, which will be a good thing.
She's also talking about the idea of not returning to work at all, having in her own way bottomed out on taking care of people at work, which is a significant part of her personal and professional history. Putting out fires, cleaning up messes, righting other people's wrongs...Despite the fact that doing this has contributed to her great success, she's just tired of it all right now, and more interested in taking care of herself. I was very happy hear this.
Will continue to update.
EndGame
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Originally Posted by Verte
Hi Endgame,
The safest, most comforting place for Mary Ann at this time is where things were, but it will not always feel this way. Hopefully emotions will cycle and eff-bombs will drop. Should anyone give Mary Ann a copy of When Bad Things Happen to Good People just let her know that it makes an excellent fly swatter and spring is on the way. It also makes a great drink coaster.
This is tough. Very tough. You know this already, EndGame. Just being there without judgement and not expecting her to be anything but what she is at the moment is a great thing. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
The safest, most comforting place for Mary Ann at this time is where things were, but it will not always feel this way. Hopefully emotions will cycle and eff-bombs will drop. Should anyone give Mary Ann a copy of When Bad Things Happen to Good People just let her know that it makes an excellent fly swatter and spring is on the way. It also makes a great drink coaster.
This is tough. Very tough. You know this already, EndGame. Just being there without judgement and not expecting her to be anything but what she is at the moment is a great thing.
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.It's a nice book that I read soon after I got sober in 1983. The author, Harold S. Kushner, wrote the forward to another inspirational book about how we derive meaning in life through suffering, Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning.
EndGame
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Originally Posted by Gonnachange
Endgame, I know the tremendous effort you are putting in to support you sister, but I hope that you are taking care of yourself also.
Yes, it took me years to get this right. In turn, helping my sister also helps me.
EndGame
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Yes--as Verte suggests, really being present is a gift so few family members truly give each other.
Of course she's stir crazy and back-engineering. That's what smart, highly-driven people do when they can't act or fix the immediate problem.
Some practices to get back into her body might be helpful like gentle yin yoga or mindfulness meditation. Or would that be too woo woo for her?
I thought it was for me until I actually tried it. Amazing stuff really.
Thinking of you both
Of course she's stir crazy and back-engineering. That's what smart, highly-driven people do when they can't act or fix the immediate problem.
Some practices to get back into her body might be helpful like gentle yin yoga or mindfulness meditation. Or would that be too woo woo for her?
I thought it was for me until I actually tried it. Amazing stuff really.
Thinking of you both
Yes, that would have previously been "too woo woo" for her, but she's opening herself of to alternatives that she's never before considered or attempted.
She's taken care of everyone else for most of her life and put off for too long taking care of herself. She's making healthier choices in her diet, and I even converted her to almond milk and green tea instead of coffee, even though I drink both.
pray for strength
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Hi EndGame,
I must apologize and clarify because at the time (over a decade ago) I read When Bad Things Happen to Good People I recall strongly wishing to have an audience with the Rabbi himself so I could speak my mind. The content so enraged me that I threw it 20 feet across a room where it hit the wall with such force that a permanent red streak was left on the white wall - a memento to 'losing it'. The book has been a perennial bestseller forever and has touched many but for me it just made a great fly swatter and drink coaster. Perhaps I will revisit and see what is what.
My favorite reading/books for all the seasons, experiences of life have been those from Pema Chödrön as well as Thich Nhat Hanh. Not much else was able to soothe my soul regarding the more painful aspects of the human condition.
You and family are in my thoughts. Unanticipated yet amazing growth is ahead. My unsolicited advice for Mary Ann:
1) buy a nice comfortable pair of shitkickers for heading to appointments, procedures, tests or pull a pair out the closet.
2) Ski socks. Warm knee length ski socks for any appointments requiring a Hospital gown.
3) Ear covering headphones for when she needs to remain in the privacy/sanctuary of her own thoughts while waiting amongst other patients and families.
4) lip balm always.
5) well-meaning, unsolicited advice can often aggravate. A good tactic is to hold up one's hand and say "Thank you so much but my suggestion box is full."
I must apologize and clarify because at the time (over a decade ago) I read When Bad Things Happen to Good People I recall strongly wishing to have an audience with the Rabbi himself so I could speak my mind. The content so enraged me that I threw it 20 feet across a room where it hit the wall with such force that a permanent red streak was left on the white wall - a memento to 'losing it'. The book has been a perennial bestseller forever and has touched many but for me it just made a great fly swatter and drink coaster. Perhaps I will revisit and see what is what.
My favorite reading/books for all the seasons, experiences of life have been those from Pema Chödrön as well as Thich Nhat Hanh. Not much else was able to soothe my soul regarding the more painful aspects of the human condition.
You and family are in my thoughts. Unanticipated yet amazing growth is ahead. My unsolicited advice for Mary Ann:
1) buy a nice comfortable pair of shitkickers for heading to appointments, procedures, tests or pull a pair out the closet.
2) Ski socks. Warm knee length ski socks for any appointments requiring a Hospital gown.
3) Ear covering headphones for when she needs to remain in the privacy/sanctuary of her own thoughts while waiting amongst other patients and families.
4) lip balm always.
5) well-meaning, unsolicited advice can often aggravate. A good tactic is to hold up one's hand and say "Thank you so much but my suggestion box is full."
EndGame
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Originally Posted by Verte
Hi EndGame,
I must apologize and clarify because at the time (over a decade ago) I read When Bad Things Happen to Good People I recall strongly wishing to have an audience with the Rabbi himself so I could speak my mind. The content so enraged me that I threw it 20 feet across a room where it hit the wall with such force that a permanent red streak was left on the white wall - a memento to 'losing it'. The book has been a perennial bestseller forever and has touched many but for me it just made a great fly swatter and drink coaster. Perhaps I will revisit and see what is what.
I must apologize and clarify because at the time (over a decade ago) I read When Bad Things Happen to Good People I recall strongly wishing to have an audience with the Rabbi himself so I could speak my mind. The content so enraged me that I threw it 20 feet across a room where it hit the wall with such force that a permanent red streak was left on the white wall - a memento to 'losing it'. The book has been a perennial bestseller forever and has touched many but for me it just made a great fly swatter and drink coaster. Perhaps I will revisit and see what is what.
Being aware of and taking in the reality that most people suffer in life, often chronically so, is an important developmental milestone, and a requirement for mature thinking and feeling. It grants us the grace of perspective. But using it as a weapon to quiet the sounds we make when we're in pain or to force a sense of perspective can be a form of abuse or, worse, indifference.
Thanks also for your list. The headphone/earbuds thing will be particularly useful.
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Hello EndGame,
Just now reading about your sister's story. I'll be sending well wishes, good thoughts and prayers her way. She's lucky to have you by her side. Hoping the future will be kind to her and your family. God Wishes!
Kris
Just now reading about your sister's story. I'll be sending well wishes, good thoughts and prayers her way. She's lucky to have you by her side. Hoping the future will be kind to her and your family. God Wishes!
Kris
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EndGame, sad to hear this latest news, friend. Difficult challenges often enough bring out the very best in any of us as we gather ourselves to meet the day. I know you can deal with whatever must be endured while you support Mary Ann. Any of our lives are fragile and precious, its heartbreaking when illness or circumstances present unwanted and undeserved. My prayers and thoughts for you both.
EndGame
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Originally Posted by Venecia
How are you doing, EndGame?
Thanks for asking.
I'm good. Truly.
Under the most terrible circumstances, taking care of my sister is now what I do. I'm grateful in every way that I can be there for her. I'm not at all proud to say that, not long ago, I would be nowhere in sight under the same conditions, probably "checking in" with a phone call here and there as damage control so that she and the rest of my family wouldn't hate me completely. And I'd have a long-term whopper of an excuse to continue and increase my drinking.
It's truly humbling to no longer feel like such a pathetic waste of life, and I know that both my sister and I are benefiting from my presence.
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