EndGameNYC

Thanks Dee.

I don't recall what it is that I was Googling when I found SR. I was coming up on nearly two years of sobriety at the time. I was doing well, and I had AA and a therapist in place, and I have good sober friends who are a great resource for support. I'm certain I wasn't searching for additional help. But...I'd been reading and posting on another "recovery" site at the time, where conflict, arguing, confrontation, sarcasm, and character assassination were not discouraged. There were people there who, if they got involved in SR (and there have been a few here), would ultimately marginalize themselves until they just disappeared, while on this other site they were keyboard heroes who seemed to enjoy destroying other people. It grew old very quickly, and I can only imagine that I was searching for a substitute. Perhaps this is why some people who are new to SR expect critical or otherwise hurtful responses to their early comments?

To say the very least, I was very impressed with the support offered on SR, the openness of people who were struggling, as well from people who had achieved some time in sobriety. I thought I could help, and knew that was a better option for me than what I'd just come from.

Though I did get something for myself by following other people's struggles and by offering help and support when I could, I did wonder from time to time what it would take for me to reach out for help and support here. And now I know.

I am forever grateful.

EndGameNYC

Thanks alpha. And thank you for your kind words.

It's a crappy way for the Universe to serve it up, and I don't generally believe in silver linings or, on the other end of the clichè spectrum, "wake-up calls," but this all seems to have propelled my sister to another dimension of reality.

As I've disclosed before, Mary Ann has worked herself to exhaustion for most of her life. She's been a chain smoker since adolescence and prior to her brain surgery in early March, she'd picked up the habit of drinking virtually every night for about a year-and-a-half that I know of. My father died of lung cancer about twenty years ago, and I'd been dreading the day when Mary Ann would be told that she has lung cancer as well.

I started spending more time with her in September of 2013 after she was the victim of down-sizing at her bank. She was older, had a salary deep into six figures, and banks were no longer paying that kind of money anymore. It took her about ten months to find a job that was right for her. In that time, she did a lot of volunteer work, took a class to improve her skills and her rèsumè, and helped me out as I'd just started a new job. She also re-connected with friends.

Though I'm well trained and well practiced in grief work, this time it's my sister.

It's sometimes difficult for me to find meaning during an ongoing crisis, but I'm intensely grateful that I can be there for her. The rest of me is just angry and sad, though it's also very clear to me that what I've learned in sobriety, and the process of achieving sobriety itself, have both helped me a great deal in terms of managing my life through all this and helping my sister to work through it.

tokidoki

Hello EndGame,
Although I am one of those who is still not doing enough to take care of herself at this moment, need to comment. Just want to send my good vibes, and to say again that you are an endless source of wisdom and encouragement. I greatly appreciate having gotten to know you a bit through SR and I know you are doing the absolute best for your sister, MaryAnn. Please take care of yourself.

EndGameNYC

Hi bemyself.

Interesting. I first studied Plato and Socrates (as well as a few others) in high school, and was so taken by it that I went on to major in philosophy. Yes, "the unexamined life is not worth living." Before I even knew what the word 'resonate' meant, Socrates' words resonated deeply within me. I should have known right then and there that I was in trouble.

You wrote some very nice things, and I appreciate that. I also appreciate your willingness to help and offer support.

Personally, I've learned much more in life through suffering, mine and other people's, than through anything else. Sometimes I just don't want any more (what my therapist called) FLEs -- effing learning experiences. Right now, I'd rather be happy in my stupidity.

alphaomega

[QUOTE=EndGameNYC;5326675

Personally, I've learned much more in life through suffering, mine and other people's, than through anything else. Sometimes I just don't want any more (what my therapist called) FLEs -- effing learning experiences. Right now, I'd rather be happy in my stupidity.[/QUOTE]

Amen my brother. I want to scream out to the Universe "ENOUGH ALREADY !" But that would just be a lesson in futility.

Just when I think I'm getting y footing back, shwabam ! Rug gets pulled out again. I had a really solid day yesterday. Today, life is blowing chunks again. Literally. I'll spare you. But just know, im journeying alongside of you.

Blessings friend. Blessings to the Warriors.

ArtFriend

FLEs are cold comfort aren't they? I really feel for you and what you going through. I also lost my sister but not before I watched her succumb to mental illness and a fatal disease. It is excruciating. You are a kind and caring man and you have a lot to offer your sister now. Words seem trite in this circumstance. I wish you and your sister well. Take care.

CodeJob

Prayers for Mary Ann, you and your family, EG.

saoutchik

Hi Endgame,

Sounds like your sister has lived and still lives a full life. She has probably packed a lot more into her life than most people manage

I have an older sister of 57 and a baby sister of 43. You have reminded me to tell them I care about them so thank you EG.

Sorry I didn't spot this post sooner. I think you are being amazingly supportive and expect you sister is grateful. If the doctors are optomistic then so am I

bemyself

Thinking of you and your sis, EndGame....
Hope you're all holding up as best you can.

Very kind regards from Aus,
Vic

bemyself

Dear EndGame, are you up to saying how things are going with your sister and yourself?

I often think about this. I've mostly been on Rob's Authenticity thread latterly, but still worry about you and your family trials.

No drama if you don't wish to say anything just yet. Just know that some of us are very much still concerned, and have certainly not forgotten. [I do NOT wish to put you on the spot in your own thread, btw].

Very sincerely,
Vic

EndGameNYC

Hi Vic, and others. I got your PM, and I appreciate your concern.

I haven't had much motivation to post lately, and I'm aware that's a bit of selfishness on my part since people here care.

Mary Ann's been handling her situation very well, and it's obvious to me that she's not in denial or just pushing away her feelings. She's let me know on more than one occasion that she's grateful that I've been there for her, and I told her that I feel the same way.

More than anything else, she gets tired a lot and then has spurts of energy. She's been enjoying her life without the pressures of work, doing things she enjoys but never found the time to do while she was working. She spent much of the weekend gardening and decorating her backyard deck.

She tolerates the chemo very well which, in turn, allows her to feel optimistic. She doesn't feel ill. Nothing's changed in terms of her cancer, and I'm told that this is a good sign. She'll have a more comprehensive test in a couple of weeks or so.

Her appetite has been through the roof since her surgery two months ago, so I bring her something that she likes but may not buy for herself when I see her. I took her, my niece and my niece's fiancèe to lunch in Chinatown on Monday, and we had a good day. (I know all the good places, so we weren't disappointed.) Then we went across the street to Ferrara Bakery for gelato and Italian pastries.

My moods were trending downwards for a while there, but my attitude doesn't suck. I've recently accepted offers for additional work, so I'm busier than I've been in that regard since I've been sober. I think the timing was good. I recently started teaching a course on Grief, Death & Dying. My first inclination was to turn it down, but then I imagined that the Universe was sending me a message. (Did I post this already?) It's a small class, and required for students who want to pursue a career as EMTs or as emergency medical personnel. I don't know whether or not this was a requirement before 9/11, and I forget to ask. I'm also gifted with being able to concentrate and focus better at work, something I've always experienced when struggling with crisis, loss or other life stressors that involve my health and well being and that of others.

So I guess I'm good. I don't stay down for very long, though I do have my moments. The weather's helped. I like getting outside this time of year through the end of December, and this helps my mood tremendously. Still taking care of myself, not putting pressure on myself to take on more than I can handle, and appreciative of all the support here on SR.

Thanks, again, to all of you.

SoberLeigh

Thank you for the update, EndGame.

Kris47

You do sound well, EndGame. Just remember to take enough time out for yourself. You sound like you are and I'm glad to hear Mary is tolerating things well so far. Prayers are still coming for the both of you.

Kris

Della1968

I am glad you both are in a good place right now (as good as possible) you have had a lot to take in and process. You know we are all thinking of you. Keep on keeping on

bemyself

Overall, then, sounds like generally good news. No surprises there about your fluctuating mood and energies, End - think what you've been through and continue to face, after all.

Sounds like the teaching course is - yes, weirdly - apposite in timing. Possibly counter-intuitive, that, for many people in a similar situation as you, but oddly, I have a gut feeling (without even 'knowing' you really) that it is likely to be quite therapeutic for you. And what with the current personal scene for you, I well imagine that you will be engaging at a deeper level with the, um, 'material' AND your students.

Yeah, keep looking after yourself too in all the good small ways.
Vic

EndGameNYC

Thanks, Vic.

I haven't yet decided on whether or not I'll share my current experience with my students. It's a very small class, so that's not an issue, but I also don't want my stuff to become their stuff either. We'll see.

I've talked about some losses I've experienced earlier in life, and the time lapse makes it less jarring for them and me. I think it would be odd of me to say nothing about any of my experiences of grief, death and dying, especially since my students feel free to share their own experiences in class, and that's a good thing. For all of us.

In part because I've taken on some additional responsibilities lately, I'm now dealing with additional stress. I've had a specific kind of lower back pain since Monday, an easily identifiable stress response for me that I haven't experienced in years. I've also been eating more out of necessity than pleasure -- I eat whatever is easiest to eat -- so my diet has taken a nose dive. This is only one reason why I sometimes emphasize here on SR why it's so important to put things in place in our sober lives in order to successfully ride out life's inevitable challenges. It's often too late to wait until the **** hits the fan to mobilize ourselves in the service of staying safe and sane. I do, after all, practice what I preach.

Saw my therapist on Friday for my monthly "check-up." I can easily schedule extra sessions with her if need be, but that time has not yet come. My daily training continues to be a big help. Of course, the support I see and get here on SR makes a difference, even when it's not people responding to my comments. It's that kind of place.

matilda123

I am very sorry to hear about Mary-Ann, end game. Although I haven't been commenting on SR as much as I usually do (April is the cruelest month in academia) I've been following this thread and sending positive thoughts out into the universe for her and for you.

SoberLeigh

Continuing to keep you and Mary Anne in my prayers, EndGame.

bemyself

Yes, of course, EG - I probably failed to put it in a more nuanced way. Namely, I imagine you have so much therapeutic and no doubt teaching experience and nous that you will simply 'know' / read the group dynamics so as to get that balance of sharing your current experiences without burdening the students. Having said that, depending on the group individuals - especially if very small, big bonus - I see how it might even be fulfilling for them and you to at least mention the bare bones of your present. 'When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears...' can work both ways, I believe.

That probably makes no sense!

The back pain and basic / necessity eating: try not to be quite so hard on yourself, sir. I hardly think anyone could expect - except yourself - to be fully up to par in all aspects of daily self-care (i.e. fully healthy, great diet, serene and so forth) during such a time in life. We in the modern (post-modern?) West get a tad too pressured IMO about always 'working on ourselves' / improving ourselves / etc etc. I often wonder what Foucault would make of us in 2015 busily and arduously engaging in all these 'technologies of the self'.

When I mentioned 'good small ways', I was thinking more of stuff like taking time to have a simple walk in the park, a bit of time browsing in a bookstore, things like that. Easy stuff. No pressure stuff.

V

EndGameNYC

Some very nice insights, Vic.

Yeah, we can sometimes spend so much time improving ourselves that we neglect to live the good life we're in the process of building. Self-improvement doesn't mean very much if we don't make the time to enjoy whatever we've improved.

It's okay to smell the roses while we're still smelling the coffee.