CRS3

oops, wrong click.It's been a week now since my last drink. I thought all the physical withdrawals would be gone(the first 4 days were hell on earth) but every time I think it's over something comes back. Shakes,ect.. Is this psychological? I still cannot sleep. Im lucky if I get 2 hrs straight at a time. When I do finally go down horrible nightmeres wake me. I went from drinking(feeling numb all the time) to extreme mood swings,to now deep depression.
Wondering why I stopped in the first place.( you would think after the physical withdrawals I would not feel this) It's just now I feel kind of dead.
Nothing. nada. I almost would rather feel sick than feel nothing(make sense?)
It feels like a hopeless depression I have never experienced before.
Is this normal? The Serax the Dr gave me seems to actually make it worse.
I see the Dr tomorrow. I dont know what else to say. Im just very depressed right now.
---J

KelKel

Good Morning Jay.
Hang in there buddy that is your primitive, addictive voice that is trying to tell you that numb feeling feels like an alternative. Try and remember where that numb drunken feeling has taken you and how you fely after you gave in to your addiction. Worse? I know exactly what your saying, but we have to be strong. One Day at a time.

In memory of miracle

(( jay )) Hang in there ! 1 week is great ! *This too shall pass * Prayers Trish.

zoomer

Huggys J, sometimes it takes a couple of weeks for the meds to kick in. Tell your doctor your symtoms and perhaps he might change your meds! Great work and congrats on one week!

Dan

Jay, depression is a tricky beast at the best of times. Throw alcoholism into the mix and you've got yourself a carnival ride my friend. It may be too early to talk about Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, but then again, I'm no physician or clinician. There's an excellent link around here somewhere about PAWS, and if someone could direct Jay to it, it may be helpful. I just can't bleedin' find it right now!
For me Jay, feelings of depression and sadness are part and parcel of leaving behind a behavior that had become very dear to me, in a sick way. Once the alcohol and other substances had left my body, I was faced with the task of dealing with things I had long repressed with the help of a bottle or a bag of dope. I'm glad you're seeing your physician tomorrow. Ignoring this right now would be a sure way to talk yourself into relapse. I know, I've done it.
Keep posting.

CRS3

Thanks all,
Dan,my Dr mentioned post acute withdrawal sympoms to me but I didnt really understand what he was talking about and didnt really think that would apply to me. Somthing about siezures even after two weeks of not drinking. I just thought that was rediculous. But some pretty wierd stuff is going on physically. Im not ready to throw in the towel just yet but everything just feels so damn helpless at this point. I've been on anti-depressants and meds for "panic attacks" in the past and came the conclusion that it was just all alcohol withdrawal related. Im not so sure anymore. Im not real sure of anything anymore. My mood swings have gone to such extremes of pure determination and willpower to quit to what's the point, to feeling sorry for myself, to thinking I can help the world, to thinking I can help no one to .......ect...... I read a post earlier that said at some point you have to get off the pity party and decide whether or not your going to quit the addictions,not quit, or just put a gun to your head and end it now, or somthing to that effect. I just dont know anymore. I just dont know. Today seems just pretty surreal. Like Im here but Im not really here.
I cant really describe it not having felt this before. I feel like a weakling trying hopelessly to seek strength from someone,something that may or may not exist. I think I'll just hang around a while and read.
Thanks all for listening
---J

In memory of miracle

(( J )) I am sorry you are not feeling well.It sounds normal for early recovery when are bodies and minds are re-adjusting.I found time and time again that goin backwards and pickin up only made me feel worse.Lemme say I did the reasearch for you !It took me a long time to get the way i was its gonna take me time to recover.Please hang in and dont drink even if your a$$ falls off ! Love to you ! Trish.

Dan

Jay, I read the post from which I quoted and I gotta tell ya man, take it easy. This is withdrawal, post acute or not. So yeah, relax as best you can and read. But don't read anything into the conclusions you may or may not come to. It's very early yet in your sobriety. Remember, we talked about withdrawal being different for everyone.
I gotta find those freekin links.
I'll be back.

Little Missy

(((Jay))) Hang in there buddy. I'm on the same ride with the emotions. Dr. just changed my meds today. Talk about a leap of faith, but I wasn't feeling right the way things were.

Here you go Dan! http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Take Care,
Missy

Dan

I was just reading an article in a psych journal.
Symptoms of depression will be magnified with the abscence of the regular alcohol intake. I hope your doctor can give you some answers tomorrow.

Dan

Hi Jay,
Just poppin' in to say hello. Don't let anything you see here interfere with why you came here in the first place. You are loved and valued. The word newcomer carries with it only good things. Believe me when I tell you this, I need to hear everything you have to say. Everything, everytime. It's how I get well.

CRS3

Thanks Dan,
I am a little better than when I PM'd you. Im not sure how many of those frame of minds I can handle. It was actually the Non-value page I viewed earlier that jolted me back to reality. Maybe it did have some use. It made me angry to the point that I remembered why I came here in the first place.
I deleted my post on that page before I say your reply. Maybe I should not have. It's like everything else right now. I just dont know crap. I read the post on paws and it looks like thats pretty much where I am at. That REALLY depresses me but at least there is some logical explanation. When I thought there was none, I lost hope. I am having breakfast with a friend of mine in the morning(Dr of Psychology) and I have a Dr appnt with my MD in the afternoon. (Why do I know so many doctors and I am just an eng who cant seem to put one foot in front of the other anymore)
Thanks for all your insight and help. Im not going to drink tonight or go near a gun :wink2:
Thanks
-----J

Dan

Jay, your sense of humor is a great gift my friend!
All good then.
One more day.
Sweet!

CRS3

Thanks Dan,
I said I would not drink tonight and I wont. Having a rough time with it at the moment. I just wish I could sleep. And the damn shakes have come back.
Not bad though. Again,I really thought it would be a few rough days and that would be it. Not going on eight and still going nuts. I guess after 20yrs that was a pretty ingorant assumption. I just wish I could sleep. Im going to talk to my MD about that tomorrow. After the horrid 60-70-80 hrs most of that with little to no sleep I still cant sleep. just lay there with my mind racing. I take melotin and sleep gels and nadda. When I do drift off,do the nightmares ever stop?
Well, just talking at myself. Anyone reading I would appreciate the prayers and thoughts. Im just going to hang around for a while.
---J

In memory of miracle

Thoughts and prayers I am pullin for you ! Trish

tryinagain

I have definitely been there too, way too many times to count. You think that once you take the bad stuff "alcohol" away that everything else will get better. When it doesnt, it leaves you confused and makes you think that drinking was bad but not "this" bad. Trust me, been there. Another thing that I have noticed in my life is that the higher your IQ level is, the more things will bother you. The deeper the intellegence, the deeper the problems will lie. Almost every major thinker in history has had some kind of drug/alcohol addiction/problem. That is just because we cannot slow our mind down and we tend to see things that others do not. I noticed you are an Engineer, so am I and have been for over 15 years. I changed my field to 3d graphics and multimedia to attempt to reduce stress but now that I am the GM, well, there went that idea. I finally just had to admit that maybe the problem goes deeper than alcohol, turns out I was right. You will get there and things will get better but in the meantime be honest with your docs and stay away from the bottle. The problems dont go away, we just have to learn new tools to deal with them rather than try to drink them away. You are doing great and hang in there, it will get better.
Here for ya,
Roy

Dan

Jay,
I sent you a PM with the information you requested.
Hope all is well again tonight.

CRS3

Thanks Dan,
I actually had pretty good day today. My stoneface MD actually complimented me. He said "I have got to give you alot of credit for doing this on your own, but I wouldnt recommend doing it that way.You could have died". We talked about PAWS and I think he may have actually done some research on alcoholism after my previous visit. He seemed much more informed on how to aproach this than the last time I saw him. He put me on different medication after examining me to make sure I was not lying. Made me stretch my arms and fingers out full length and made me stay that way for a few minutes to see if my hands were still shaking. I supposed I understand. Maybe I can actually get some sleep tonight.
Thanks Dan for taking a personal interest on following up on me. Not many have.
I know your a busy guy on this site and with your own recovery.
Im in some pretty scary unchartered waters here. According to my Dr I am about one drink away from death.(scare tactic?,doesnt matter)
Thanks to all
----J

CRS3

Roy,
Thanks. I just saw your previous repy. Didnt catch it earlier, sorry.
I dont know about IQ and racing thoughts(nice for the ego though), but my mind just races so fast sometimes I feel Im going insane. Due to drinking all these years,especially the last 2.5, I have pretty much lost my problem solving skills. Have trouble remembering how to spell the most simple words sometimes.
I was riding high with a six figure + job traveling all over the states and abroad. When suddenly I could not function. I mean it happend like overnight. Bang,something snapped. I quit to avoid embarrasment and blamed it on the travel. Took a 75% pay cut and got a laymans job ffrom a friend just cause I thought thats all I could handle. After a year of that(still could not really perform) I realized it was all about drinking. I got a somewhat better job by getting through the six hour interviews with eng and section managers by popping vicoden and xanax like it was candy so they would not see my real state. Ive managed to hang on to this job only by perfecting how to hide the symptoms and BS my way through. Most of the time with eng types if you present enough data the real picture gets lost. You just have to be able to read people and know their buttons. If I use all the energy I put into that into recovery I think I have a chance. I'd be happy with a job at 7-11 if I can stay sober.
Well, not sure why all that nonsense rambling came out. Could be the meds. Im certainly feeling them right now. So I will exit before I make a total ass of myself.
At least Im not drinking tonight.
----J

zoomer

Good Morning J, I hope you had a good night's sleep! Congrats on another day sober. Your rambling is fine and it did make sence