What on Earth is wrong with me?

Old 05-07-2013, 01:07 PM
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What on Earth is wrong with me?

Here I am on Day 2. I only login to SR on lunch break. I'm a teacher and so I never come to this site when there are students in the room. In case you don't know my story, I suffered a miscarriage early 2011. After that, I started self medicating pretty heavily with alcohol. Around Octover 2011, I sought help through AA and did pretty well with that. I found out I was pregnant in January, 2012 and stopped drinking. Had my son in Sept. 2012, and felt I was "cured." Well, we know how that goes. It was a slippery slope into being pretty much (although not quite) as bad as in 2011. So after a few failed attempts at doing it on my own, I'm actively back on the SR boards (mostly lurking), and will begin attending meetings today.

So anyway back to my title. I've just logged on during lunch and I see a thread by someone who's relapsed. I see others being totally supportive and saying things like, "I've been there," "It happens a lot," etc. So where does my mind go?? "Wow relapsing happens to everyone, If I relapse it won't be such a bad thing." Then I start planning it for sometime in the future. I'M ON DAY 2!!!! I don't get it. I wake up one morning without a hangover and all of a sudden it's like all the hangovers I've had up until this point didn't happen.....GRRR....
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:18 PM
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All I can say is it's not what you look at, its what you you see. The reality of people trying to quit is that for most it takes numerous attempts and what your're doing is normal rationalization. Relapsing happens until it stops happening. Give yourself a couple weeks or so and you'll have a different perspective. Nothing wrong with you, you just have a little "stinkin thinkin" going on, and that will pass. You'll get to the point where you read a relapse post and think; God that sucks, but its the reality of the game, I hope their OK and nothing really bad happened, and I so don't want that to be me tomorrow morning.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:21 PM
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Well done on day 2!

A relapse is evidence that you are still in the grip of your addiction. You can choose to take that as seriously as you want.

For me, it is a matter of life or death. Therefore, I don't reply "tsk-tsk" to a lot of relapse posts; they wouldn't be considered supportive.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:29 PM
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I know about relapsing over and over. I didn't think I'd ever manage to stay sober. But I finally 'got it' and now am happily sober. You can be too. But you've got to want to be sober more than you want to drink.
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Old 05-07-2013, 02:38 PM
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Are you still planning to go to a meeting later? I think that sounds a good idea, given your current mood. I expect you'll feel better after you've been simply because you'll meet some other people who know what you've been going through.
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Old 05-07-2013, 02:50 PM
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Hi Amanda,

My story is somewhat similar. I suffered a miscarriage back in 2002 (late term), and went into a depression. At the time I was a waitress at a restaurant, and my husband worked second shift, so on my nights off when I would normally be home alone...I sought comfort in going down to the restaurant and hanging at the bar drinking wine while I chatted with my friends. So began a cycle of seeking comfort in a bottle.

Fast forward a few years and we were finally blessed with our beautiful daughter (after 3 painful losses). I did remain sober during my pregnancy, but after she was born the almost paralyzing fear of something happening to her took control, and again...I began to relax and calm myself with wine...daily!

Over the past 5 years, it has gradually progressed and booze began to replace the wine as wine was starting to not "quite do the trick".

I finally realized something had to be done, because chances are, nothing was going to happen to my daughter physically, but she would be damaged emotionally forever if she lost her mother to alcoholism. So here I am, and so far feeling pretty good (with a few rough patches).

Welcome, and best wishes! You can do this!
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Old 05-07-2013, 02:55 PM
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I tried sobriety once and failed after a year and a half. Learned my lesson. Last night I woke up in a panic because I had a very vivid dream that I was out for dinner and decided to have a drink. I hated it, I felt terrible for about an hour after I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Today I am one month sober and am glad that even dreaming about drinking makes me upset with myself. I didn't plan on relapsing the first time and I don't plan on it again. Failure is not the death of hope.
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:03 PM
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The ups and downs are all part of the healing process - day 2 is awesome !..your doing superb!

The head can be a tricky place to be in first few days - stay strong! :-)
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:06 PM
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Good for you to come back to SR and to start AA meetings again. That sounds like a plan, and it's pretty much what I've used.

I assume you have a lot of time off in the summer unless you're teaching year 'round. If that's the case. it's a great opportunity for you to really dive into AA and work the steps. There is also a lot of good reading to be had in the books department of You can start the new school year as a new person.
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Old 05-07-2013, 06:54 PM
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It is a marathon not a sprint to true sobriety. Most of us have stumbled along the way and the posts you see are us putting our big person pants back on and starting to run again.

It's truly those who don't seek support after relapse who I worry about the most. Some relapse, some slip, some have cake with rum in it and freak out. All situations are ok, and manageable as long as the person doesn't give up.

Don't let your addiction trick you though, it is not fun or ok to relapse and I personally think it is almost worse than being drunk all the time. With sobriety comes clarity and drinking after abstinence brings a whole new level of guilt that I never felt when I was drunk all the time. Thankfully, I haven't had to feel that way for over 8 months and I'm so grateful.

I guess my point is yes, falling down while running is common. It's the getting back up part that is uncommon. Far more fall and don't get up than do. Use the stories of relapse as inspiration and strength - and remember, it does NOT have to be a part of YOUR story. I sure wish it wasn't part of mine. But it was. And I got up
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:50 PM
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I know your thinking, Amanda, I've done the same thing. The thing is, once you actually go through with it (which I have), you still feel terrible. As a matter of fact, after my last relapse (although I don't know if I was sober long enough for it really to be considered a "relapse"), I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't post about it on here. I still haven't even picked up a white chip at an AA meeting because I feel like the people at the meeting I go to will say, "ANOTHER ONE?" I realize I have to try to change that thinking of "oh, one more night of drinking, no big deal". I know, there's a part of me that still thinks that way. I've used that excuse up. One more night may or may not be a big deal, but it became a big deal for me because I kept doing it over and over, and it ended up many more nights of drinking.
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Old 05-08-2013, 06:54 AM
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Been there, done that!
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Nothing is wrong with you. your on day 2 and with out a clear plan of action as you have not even been back to aa. don't be so hard on yourself if your an alcoholic them thoughts are expected I would be more concerned if I decided to stop and did not hear my addiction talking to me and it was all so easy to quit.I would be wondering if I was an alcoholic... good luck
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Old 05-08-2013, 07:00 AM
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Relapse is not part of recovery. That doesn't mean that we fail if we relapse.

It sounds like you're aware of the addict voice and what it's telling you. Being aware is the first step in dealing with it. Yes, you hear the voice, but you can hear it and then let it go. You know what it is.

I'm glad you're back and working on your recovery.
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Old 05-08-2013, 07:27 AM
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Well, glad you are back....pray you stay.

I've sponsored a number of people and one of the biggest things I've seen in those that have relapsed is they didn't really believe the things we were telling them, so they had to go out for some more research. If that's what it takes, that's what it takes. I'm 18 yrs sober, I relapsed once and that was enough for me. It's not easy program, but it's simple. AND it's so worth it you wouldn't believe how worth it it is. I used to hear people say when I first came in, if I had made a list of the things I wanted in the beginning I would of shorted myself. That is SOOO get so back in your life and more than you could ever, ever imagine.

Hope you stay, hope you do what you have to do to stay sober. Many of us had to do the same things......In the beginning it's almost a "drill" you do but after a period of time, it becomes a life you get.
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Old 05-08-2013, 08:59 AM
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Welcome back!

The goal is abstinence and recovery. If you can do that with no slips or relapse, it's preferable, more comfortable and all that good stuff. Some people relapse, but it isn't a sign that they can't and won't recover. Planning a relapse is like planning to fail a course. Yeah, you can take the course over, but if you don't have to fail in the first place, of course that is better. I mean, what kind of wicked crush would you have to have on the prof that you'd PLAN to fail just so you could spend more time in that long, awful, course?

But if you keep working, you'll get sober, stay sober and earn your freedom.

That's the thing that is hard to keep our eye on, but as a teacher, clearly you've done a lot of schooling, so I think you will understand this analogy.

Remember being in school...and looking out past graduation? Some people are chomping at the bit, cannot wait to get out there and LIVE, take that degree and take on the world. Others are scared. They like school, they know school. If they could stay in school and take courses forever and not ever really have to take on the world...they would.

For some of us booze is school, and while part of us wants recover, we are also terrified of life beyond school...not sure we can handle it. Not sure we want to handle it. Relapse keeps us from having to graduate and take on the world. What we don't see is that in recovery we actually change so that we are equipped to take on the world and enjoy it! What seems impossibly scary now, is actually awesome once we get there. It's not a case of ok, stopped drinking, next day get out there and conquer the world. It's a process and it works. But so often we let the fear stop us because we can't believe that we will be ready when the time comes.

There is that act of hope and faith, and it was one of the hardest parts for me. That is why SR has been such a help to me. Reading the experiences of so many people I simply could not ignore the fact that if they could do it, so could I. I am not that different. I am afraid of life, of reality, of feelings, of failure. But life is so much more and has so much more to offer than a pile of things for me to hide from. And in recovery I am learning to live. I don't want to have to keep taking the "active addiction" course just so I can avoid life. I'd rather take the recovery course, and equip myself to live.
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by amandaw View Post
"Wow relapsing happens to everyone, If I relapse it won't be such a bad thing." Then I start planning it for sometime in the future.
How many times have I told myself that! I've quit ... I should reward myself by going on a binge. The mind is a tricky place. It's amazing the complexity of excuses I made for myself to start drinking/using again.

Hang in there. This sobriety thing is hard work and requires a lot of focus. For me, just getting enough focus to make rational decisions took a while.
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:49 AM
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Very well said Threshold, thanks. That post is really helping me right now.
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:55 AM
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I relapsed once after my real attempt at quitting and it was one of the worst weekends of my life. The worst yet actually. But you don't have to wait to take sobriety seriously until the yets happen which I'm sure you already know. My AV also tells me I can "relapse and just come back" but I don't want to risk not being able to come back. Welcome to sr, glad you're here, you'll find a ton of support!
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:17 PM
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Good information to be found here about relapse. The reality is that some people do not make it back to recovery as the relapse continues on for a number of years ...or...something terrible happens to them where they end up in legal or medical trouble. Relapse is a choice. So is sobriety.
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Old 05-08-2013, 01:13 PM
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I am one that had to learn the hard way. Legal, financial, relationship problems. I don't see how my husband can stay with me however, when I'm not drinking or using drugs I am a completely different person. He sees this and is sticking with me. He is definitely not giving up on me, that helps me not give up on myself. If he decides to leave, I will be strong and continue this pathway. Although I have been told a lot lately that I must have a mental condition, I know within every fiber of my being, I am worthy and I am a good person. I own what I have done, will pay the consequences and this time there is no turning back. No one believes me and they have every right not to believe me. I believe in myself, and right now that is the only thing that is keeping me going. Believe in yourself! Don't end up like me and nearly lose it all before you stop. Only you can decide what it is worth. Stay strong!!! Sorry, I am pleading and may sound urgent but I don't want anyone to go through what I have. I had to learn the hard way and I guess no matter what I say, or how much I plead, people will make their own decisions based on their life at this point. Perhaps, if one person says Jeez, I don't want to be her, I will have planted a seed?? Thanks SR for this site!
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