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Old 06-14-2010, 03:50 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Dear Grace,

Well done for all that you're doing - this is really great!! Like Mamm said you'd think your husband would be more supportive considering all the efforts you're making and really trying to turn a corner..! You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Are you at work for the moment or at home because of the visitors?

All ok on this side - just under the weather since last Thursday with a bad asthma/chest infection and up at nights coughing with it. I think it's due to the weather - one day it's hot here and the next it's freezing cold!


Big hugs,

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Old 06-14-2010, 03:55 AM
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I am glad you went Grace, its a good start for your healing process, please eat something, very bad not to eat at all. ''The best place to start healing is with yourself'' - JESUS promised to be with us always: when we succeed and when we fail! The light of HIS grace always breaks through. Hugs dear friend.
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Old 06-14-2010, 03:58 AM
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Thanks Almath, I think a lot is due to the fact that I hid my problem, it's just got more obvious recently. Also, he isn't the best at communication at the best of times. I hope we can work it out.

The weather here is awful too, lovely and sunny one day, then it pours down and is cold for the next three!

I worlk three long days each week, one week is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and the following week( which is this week) Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

Sorry to hear you've not been too well. Hope you are soon feeling much better. Gxx
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Old 06-14-2010, 08:11 AM
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Grace, It's wonderful the progress you're making. You are so right - you can't try to fix everything at once. Tiny baby steps at first. Be kind and patient with yourself. You will grow stronger every day, even when you aren't aware of it.

Mamm, when I said normies can't understand what we go through, I didn't mean they don't try. I feel it's impossible to explain our addiction to those who can drink socially with no ill effects. I myself have been on both sides of this thing - I was the wife of an alcoholic who ended up destroying himself. I tried for many years to understand him and was the classic enabler. Back then, I didn't have the dependence on alcohol that I eventually developed. I had no clue what he went through until I experienced it myself. I have nothing but respect and empathy for those who love an addict and are hurt & baffled by their behavior.

This is a good discussion - thanks, Grace for sharing your journey with us.
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Old 06-14-2010, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Grace2 View Post
He has given me a weeks supply of diazepan while I'm so stressed out.
Does anybody else think that it is utter lunacy to have gotten physically sober for a month, started to explore AA meetings to get on a path of recovery, and then start taking a valium script?

Consider very carefully, Grace, if that is the best move for your long term well being.
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:03 AM
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I appreciate what your saying Keith, but I had a relapse last Friday. I have only been given a weeks supply of 2mg and the Doctor said I wouldn't get any more as they can also become addictive. It's doubtfull that I will take them anyway, I don't really do tablets!

Mamm, I've had a chicken sandwich, some hot milk and loads of water.
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:04 AM
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Oh, I ate my vitamins as well! Will eat some more later this evening. xx
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:12 AM
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Hi Grace!!
I know this has been said, but you are not alone in your struggles....if living sober was an easy thing, there would be no AA,or SR or any other sober recovery help!! We are here for you, as you are here for us.....

Take care..xo
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Grace2 View Post
Why do I do this? I've probably blown everything now!
So, Grace, why do you do this? You know, for you, what it means to drink and what you are risking. So why make that choice to pick back up after a month without drinking?

Can you come up with a good reason that makes sense in light of where drinking takes you and the way it makes you feel?

If you can't, please consider that maybe you didn't decide to pick back up after all. Maybe you were powerless not to. Maybe a month without drinking is all the length of time your own power is good for. Just maybe, you're doomed to repeat this experiment over and over.

That's the conclusion that myself and countless other recovered alcoholics have come to. I did not possess the power to stay sober. Despite the promises and consequences, I could not stay sober.

And I kept trying to prove that I could by continually trying to not pick that first drink back up.

Some people get all freaked and bent about that idea of powerlessness. All I have to know is the truth for myself. I lacked the willpower to stay away from the first drink. My own experience of repeated failure confirms this.

My only hope was to seek more power than I had. That's what the 12 Steps did for me. And I never had to feel like you describe ever again. That's the hope in a spiritual awakening.
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Old 06-14-2010, 10:07 AM
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Hi Grace,

It sounds like you're doing well and I'm glad about that.

It's good that you are taking the relapse seriously, but at the same time, you need to forgive yourself and to move on. I got stuck at the 3-week point several times and I couldn't figure out why. What I realized, was that I had to believe that I was a good person and that I deserved a good life.

Please believe that you can do this and you will become stronger as each day goes by.
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Old 06-14-2010, 10:55 AM
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Grace, i am happy you ate, water is excellent, flush those toxins, im sure you are feeling so much better. How are you today? Keith, I just want to say you have a good opinion, but not everybody is the same, yes, we are all powerless and fail sometimes, but, i feel it takes different stressors to take the drink again, Grace was doing so well, even without physical AA, but then she had a whole lot of family stress, who speak a whole different language and a baby in the house. Her H who was not happy with her behaviour to start with. I am sure this would push anybody over the edge, that is just hanging on. So we don't beat each other up, we try to move forward, try to understand where we went wrong and take another step to progress. Hevyn, i really appreciate your views, i could imagine how hard it was for you, which makes me think of me, It could just as easily be me, my D was an A, so I am sure if i wasn't so dead set against drinking, I could be where u are, I fight hard each day, to just not throw in the towel and join in. So that is why it is so important to me to try and understand what drives my AH to drink after 8 years of sobriety. Thanks Anna, you always know just what to say!
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Old 06-14-2010, 12:19 PM
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Likewise, mamm, you are entitled to your opinion.
Originally Posted by mamm View Post
...but not everybody is the same, yes, we are all powerless and fail sometimes, but, i feel it takes different stressors to take the drink again,
Why do you believe this? What basis do you have for this belief, other than your opinion? Of course, all of us are different. But as far as our alcoholism manifests, we are all amazingly similar. Outside stressors are not the reason I drank, even though it seemed like that at the time.

I asked Grace to consider an idea that has been the foundation of recovery for hundreds of thousands of recovered alcoholics. Recovered alcoholics who do not continue to relapse, and who believe that their problem is solved for good and all. What she does with that consideration is up to her.

Why is it that someone who has no intention of ever picking up the bottle again, picks it up anyway? Despite the suffering and humiliation of the last debacle, why do we pick it up again? That lack of power is the basic nature of alcoholism. I asked Grace to consider that the reason she picked up is not because she is weak or is a failure, but instead because she lacks the power needed.

Originally Posted by mamm View Post
Grace was doing so well, even without physical AA,
I beg to disagree. And I think the evidence supports my view. Relapsing after a month is not doing so well. People that are doing so well do not find themselves drunk and feeling the remorse that Grace does. Doing so well would be on a path to never picking up a drink again. Doing so well would be a transformed life of contended usefulness.

Really, the only thing that indicated she was doing so well was a bunch of people telling her she was doing so well.

In my time of sobriety, I have seen hundreds if not thousands of people who were surrounded by others telling them how well they were doing, go right back to drinking and to a worse despair than they have ever known. All the while being told how well they are doing by well-meaning people around them. We sit around and love people right to death by reinforcing the delusion that their life circumstances made them drink again.

The truth is, that this cycle has been played out thousands of times in thousands of alcoholics over and over again. Despite all the uniqueness of those thousands of lives, and all the unique circumstances in those lives, this cycle is nearly universal.

How is it that her drinking again is dependent on her life circumstances when many thousands of others with totally different circumstances than hers do the exact same thing?

The circumstances are all different. The common thing is alcoholism. That cycle of quitting, relapsing, remorse, swearing off for good (again), relapsing is a condition of alcoholism and delusion. It doesn't require any reinforcement from others.
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Old 06-14-2010, 12:29 PM
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Thats great Grace... keep eating and taking care of yourself! Do whatever it takes (alcohol free) to get your through this
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Old 06-14-2010, 03:03 PM
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I picked back up because I am going to beat this, I want to beat it and I will!

I went to another AA meeting this evening. People there did mention the 12 steps, but no-one has explained it to me. I will be asking about it at my next meeting.
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Old 06-14-2010, 03:46 PM
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From disgrace to Grace. Way to go.

Hi Grace,

First of all; I am so happy your changed your moniker. Grace is much better and a state of consciousness I'm convinced you will find.

Second; If you knew how many times I stopped and started you would be shocked.

The art I feel is in knowing where you want to go and have compassion with yourself if you don't get there all at once. I don't know you but most people I know who become addicted have a tendency to be very harsh and demanding perfection of themselves and others. Myself being a good example.

Forgiveness and focus on the final outcome are the key.

Don't wait for your partner to be supportive but be supportive of yourself.
You damaged relationships and they need to mend in their own good time but you can help that by mending the most important relationship you will ever have in this world; the one with yourself and repairing that one should be your main focus.

You go girl, you're making good progress by the sounds of it don't stop with that.
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Old 06-15-2010, 12:23 AM
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We don't have to give up our personal power to anyone: strangers, friends, spouses, children, authority figures, or those over whom we're in authority. People may have things to teach us. They may have more information than we have, and may appear more confident or forceful than we feel. But we are equals. Our magic is not in them. Our magic, our light, is in us. And it is as bright a light as theirs.


Today, I will own my power with people. I will let myself know what I know, feel what I feel, believe what I believe, and see what I see. I will be open to changing and learning from others and experience, but I will trust and validate myself too. I will stand in my own truth.
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Old 06-15-2010, 01:00 AM
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Thank you Margareth and Mamm.

I am really, really trying, but just so very emotional at the moment. Very upset with myself.

In work today, so can't update too much. Speak later,. Gxx
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Old 06-16-2010, 04:57 AM
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Morning all. Hope you are all well and keeping strong. Lovely sunny day here today and I am stuck in work till 19.00.

I'm tired this morning. My son had to take the baby to hospital last night as he had v. high temperature. They didn't get back until 01.30ish so didn't go to bed until about 02.301

Feeling o.k, no desire for alcohol at all. have been drinking lots of water. I don't have a sweet tooth, so eating loads of fruit too. I am going to beat this monster!

Atmospere is grim at home, H has slept on the sofa downstairs since Friday! he was answering me when I spoke to him last night though, even though it was mainly yes or no! I'm not going to mither him about staying for a few days. I'm going to try to talk to him at weekend, when he's had a bit of time to think. Sons g.friend and baby go back to Madrid on Monday, so that will take some of the pressure off, hopefully. I hope H will stay, I love him. I just dont have a very good way of showing him at times. We'll see!
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:06 AM
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Hi Grace, l am glad u doing ok, not great when we tired as well. I am sure H just feels very sad that u relapsed when things just started going well. Remember its the booze talking not you! I am sure he saw a whole different side of you being sober! Give him time to process all of this. At least you can get your house back to calm when the family leaves, really a huge amount of extra stress, especially whilst u trying to quit drinking. So what day will Monday be day 5? Keep strong, remember to eat well. You will beat this. Hugs xxx
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:39 AM
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Thanks, Saturday will be one week, I started afresh last Saturday.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to do so!


xxxxxx
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