keithj

So, Grace, why do you do this? You know, for you, what it means to drink and what you are risking. So why make that choice to pick back up after a month without drinking?

Can you come up with a good reason that makes sense in light of where drinking takes you and the way it makes you feel?

If you can't, please consider that maybe you didn't decide to pick back up after all. Maybe you were powerless not to. Maybe a month without drinking is all the length of time your own power is good for. Just maybe, you're doomed to repeat this experiment over and over.

That's the conclusion that myself and countless other recovered alcoholics have come to. I did not possess the power to stay sober. Despite the promises and consequences, I could not stay sober.

And I kept trying to prove that I could by continually trying to not pick that first drink back up.

Some people get all freaked and bent about that idea of powerlessness. All I have to know is the truth for myself. I lacked the willpower to stay away from the first drink. My own experience of repeated failure confirms this.

My only hope was to seek more power than I had. That's what the 12 Steps did for me. And I never had to feel like you describe ever again. That's the hope in a spiritual awakening.