Kelly927

I'm freaking out right now. I'm overwhelmed. There are huge, life-changing decisions I need to make, and soon, and I keep putting them off because I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate, and I honestly just want to sleep. I can't deal with this stuff. Have you ever known your answer to something, but not wanted to admit it? If I do what I know I have to do, it sets into motion a chain of events I don't feel emotionally equipped to deal with. I know I'm making more excuses as to why I can't stop, but I'm not exaggerating when I say I don't think I can handle this without something to numb my emotions. This will turn my whole life upside down.

Kelly927

Confrontation blows.

Kelly927

All I want to do is sleep. I've never been so tired in my entire life. I'm so stuck. I wake up thinking about this ****, I spend all day counting pills, thinking about pills, fighting the urge to take more. It's like sitting outside my body and watching this woman do things. I don't know her, but she's in my life and she's taken away everything that makes me happy. She doesn't get happy, nothing excites her. She's numb to everything. I'm sitting here watching her, and I don't understand why she can't stop. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of hurting. Why can't the numbness take the pain with it? I'm so tired.

NewBeginning010

Sorry that you are still struggling Kelly. I don't know where you are at with an HP or anything like that but I would like to share with you some teachings that have helped me with my recovery.

Buddhism and the Twelve Steps

Take care & I hope that you find recovery & happiness.

NB

eddie73

Hi again Kelly. We all care a lot and want you to get thru this. keep looking in here, sober or otherwise.

Kelly927

I hate asking for things, but if anyone reads this I could really use positive thoughts or prayers or whatever. It's very dark in my mind right now and could use a little light. Thanks.

Kelly927

My heart hurts. I wish I could go back in time and make different choices. I wish I could take away the ability to feel emotions. I wish I could see a path instead of a wall.

Faerie

Kelly,

I feel for you babe, I'm a painkiller addict too, codeine is my poison. [My real name is Kelly too]

I use because something very bad happened to me a long time ago, sadly it has happened two more times, most recently monday week. [i posted a thread about it]

I feel that you, like me are using to numb emotional pain, if you can get to the bottom of that pain and start talking about it, either with us here at SR or with a professional you WILL find the strength to quit.

I've only been talking about my bad thing for 7 weeks, after repressing it for 12 years and now I have found the power to start weaning myself off of codeine.

Please note, I have been completely honest with my doctor and he is helping me.

If I can do it you can too.

I believe in you Kel,

Please PM me if you want to, I'm 100% here for you.

Much love and understanding,



Kel xx

tallcactus

I deleted my messages,just E-mail me @[email protected], or send a private message.

Kelly927

So...I'm back. I'm not sure why I'm back. I'm not in recovery, nor do I want to be right now. What I want is more. More pills, more pills, more pills. I'm getting them consistently now, so the supply is good and I've got myself to a point where they're lasting...and I had an honest conversation with my doctor about 2 months ago - well, semi-honest - and he knows I'm physically addicted, but said not to quit since I'm using them for legitimate pain. Pain we cannot find another solution for. So, I don't see the point in quitting. What I have a problem with is how sh*tty I feel lately. So...I don't know. I'm guess I'm just like everyone else on here who still uses...want to quit in my mind, on some days, or on the days when I feel like sh*t about it. But physically can't fathom being away from this sh*t, and even emotionally can't handle life without them.

So, I don't know if that explains anything. I don't think anyone really reads my posts anyway, and that's not a complaint, just an honest observation. So I'm not here for the lovey-dovey feel-good stuff. Maybe I'm here to vent. Dunno. The spouse now knows about my addiction. He saw something I wrote for school. But it's awkward now, because I know he knows, but he hasn't said anything about it. And that really p*sses me off. It feels like he doesn't care. Which...could exactly be it. And that makes me really, really, bone-deep sad. *sigh*

Kelly927

God, I just want these feelings to end. I don't know what happened last night - I've been doing really well in my classes, all A's, and I have a major paper due tomorrow - and it's like I snapped. All the worthless feelings I thought I'd pushed aside came crashing back in. I haven't done crap for the paper that's due in less than 24 hours. I'm terrified of screwing it up, and yet that's what I'm doing by doing nothing. I feel like sh*t. These feelings...they're so overwhelming. And I don't know anymore if I take the pills to overcome the feelings, or if the feelings hit because I take the pills. I never had depression this deep before I was an addict. So maybe that's my answer. I just want to stay in bed and hide. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? This...this void...this huge gaping hole I feel...sucking me in. What is it? Why do I feel it? It's as if there is no hope left inside me. It makes me want to cry.

Horselover

Kelly - You really need to be checked out for depression. Depression does suck and its exactly how you have described it. I have been through depression myself and my husband is on meds for it. He is fine with the meds and life is good, but if he misses it I can tell. Mine was post pardum and I am okay now, but I needed medicine to get me through it then.

So you are addicted to pain pills, and the doctor knows this, but thinks its best to keep you on them because of the pain? Did I get that right? You might want to see a doctor that specializes in addictions. I would think there would be something else for pain management.

Kelly927

Horselover - I know I am depressed right now. I've been treated for depression in the past and probably need to go back to my doctor about it. I just haven't wanted to admit it. I don't want to be this person, but don't get a choice on that part (depression).

Thanks for your response - I appreciate that you took time to respond. I'm so glad you found your way out of the postpartum depression...that is a very, very scary place to be, from what I've learned about it. And congratulations on your sobriety!! That's fantastic.

Kelly927

Well, today is a better day in terms of my emotions. Not sure why & wish I knew so that I could repeat whatever it is I'm doing or that happened to cause it.

I'm going to suck it up and talk to some former co-workers this week to see if they have any input on job leads. I know my unemployed status is playing hell with my feelings of self-worth, which isn't helping with anything else going on in my head. I've never had such a difficult time finding another job, but I've also never lived during a recession before, either. I wish I could at least find someone to let me do some writing/editing on the side - any money would be a huge help, not to mention the emotional boost I'd get from feeling needed.

If I can't find employment, I have to give up school for now. I don't want to do that. I have worked so hard this semester to make good grades and my classes are a part of life I truly ENJOY right now. The prospect of ending that scares me.

I've been putting off some really major decisions for a long time now, but my time is running out. I'm only hurting others by doing so, and that's selfish. I wish I had a way to solve problems that wouldn't involve hurting someone - even myself. But if someone has to hurt, I wish I could take all of their pain for them. It truly breaks my heart to cause any sort of pain - I cry at night when I lay in bed and think about it. I wish I could find that magical solution that would fix everything. A little stupid to wish for, I know.

Off to finish a test. Hope anyone who sees this is having a peaceful weekend.

SAAM1968

Just getting restarted my self. Have had some relapses, but I REALLY want to give up the alcohol. I'm with you.

Kelly927

Crappy day. So, guess it goes hand in hand that when I have a crap day, I take more pills. It's a way to cope. Not a good way, obviously, but it works. I've been thinking that I should buy a journal and track my days with it instead of here. It would take longer to write, though, and I'd have the constant worry of the spouse finding it. I don't know...maybe it would be good if he did. Then again, he hasn't said anything yet about what I wrote for school that he read, so he probably still wouldn't comment. I don't honestly know why I care - why I want him to say something. I'll have to think about that & figure out what it is I'm looking for in that situation. Well, besides his attention, which I'm always looking for. Or maybe it's that simple. Maybe that's all I want. Huh.

Silverbullet

Hi, I'm an alcoholic and my name is Jack. I've been in and out of AA since 1987 and couldn't stay sober because I never got a sponsor ,never worked the steps (except 1,12, and 13) and stopped going to meetings. I didn't drink for 11 years once and believe it was the longest dry drunk ever...


When I finally came back the last time I got a sponsor who's a big book thumper (I used to hate them out of fear), worked the steps, all of them to the best of my ability at that time and continue to work 10,11 and 12 everyday.

I think I had a psychic change, or maybe a psychotic episode But I feel and see things differently, thanks to AA. It saves my life!!!

Kelly927

I feel like I'm going to pop. The constant stress of situations I can't change is driving me insane. I sit back and watch people I love make mistake after mistake and nothing I say or do will change their decisions. This is one of the many things I wonder about when someone has children - children must elicit the same feelings of frustration. I didn't choose my family & I can't imagine willingly choosing to have a child that will put you through this sort of crap. And yes, I'm aware that parents have the ability to see all the "good" that comes from having children. I wish I could value those things. I wish I could be normal and want a child like all the women around me. Is that simply a sign of my selfishness?