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Old 06-04-2009, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Tazman53 View Post
Kelly have you seen a doctor yet and been totally honest, have you gone to NA or AA meetings?
Nope, zero honesty from me to my doctor. If I'm honest, I don't get the pills. I like how the alcohol makes me feel, but it's much, much more difficult to conceal. Pills are easy. Bear in mind that as I type this, I am 30 min into 2 oxy's & a few shots. So all is well for me right now. I'm already dreading that hit back to the ground in a few hours, though.

I haven't gone to any NA/AA meetings. I did look up info for the first time yesterday, but found several reasons why it isn't a good fit for me. I don't mean that seriously.
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Old 06-05-2009, 10:05 PM
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I'm so tired of this. Tired of thinking about it. Tired of being addicted. Tired of counting pills, trying to hide them, trying to rationalize to everyone why my moods are so all over the place. I'm tired of spending money on something I drink & p*ss away that never really solves anything. I'm tired of trying to find the strength to quit when I keep NOT quitting. What is wrong with my brain? Why am I like this? If I saw a fire I wouldn't stick my hand into it! And yet...I'm doing it every day. As tired as I am, I keep doing it. It doesn't even make any sense.

I'm sorry, I know I'm accomplishing nothing. Just needed to vent for a moment.
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Old 06-05-2009, 10:21 PM
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Wewlcome to SR Kelly

You know if Nothing Changes Nothing Changes. We are addicts we use, thats what we do and have done for so long its ingrained in our skin blood and bones, we have a disease which can be arrested if we dont use drugs. Thats whats wrong with us, well not wrong we just have a different reaction to any mind or mood alter substances.


What are you doing to look after yourself keep clean and get well. Do you have some support? There are many different kinds. Here is a list

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

There is always hope and as you clearly have the desire to quit using, keep reading and posting here and have a look at face to face support options

You can PM me if you want to talk or vent or have any questions. I am happy to be here for those new here and old here

SR was my start to a new life and the freedom from the grip of addiction. Today I live a full life without drugs and without the obsession and compulsion to use drugs.

You can too, we all can if we reach for recovery and keep hold of it always.

Kevin
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Old 06-05-2009, 11:04 PM
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I woke up a few minutes ago and the only way I figured I would survive was with 12 ounces. So, I am trying a softer solution into tomorrow. after a few more ounces the world will seem habitable. I am sure you know where I am going with this. Have tried "the program" for many years but yet here I am drunk again My higher power has gone and I am alone in the room with the exception of you and my proofs.Wthout them I am a nice guy; however I HAVE to go down and get another . Help me.

TJ
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Old 06-06-2009, 01:12 AM
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I am cringing witinin my own skin.I am sure someone understands???
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Old 06-06-2009, 01:33 AM
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Kelly, I am glad you are still with us. Please keep posting.

markmesober - we are all alcoholics & addicts here... yes we understand. I look forward to learning more about you & your recovery. I went to look at your first post but I didn't see one that was about you specifically & your situation. Maybe take a moment to start your own thread about you & your challenges, there are some great people that can help you here. Someone said a great line today "Nothing changes if nothing changes" it rang pretty true for me. Take Care & keep posting.

NB
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Old 06-06-2009, 01:43 AM
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First - Kelly, please keep posting, ok?

Mark - We really do understand. You have come to a great place for support.
Read and post as you are able. Withdrawals are terrible. Have you thought about medical assistance to help you?
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Old 06-06-2009, 04:30 AM
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Hi Kelly,

I hope you are feeling stronger to day, or tonight as it would be in your case. Your addiction looks very like mine, although I am in day 2 of withdrawal and dont ever want to drink again. I hope you reach the moment where you can find the strength to apply restraint. I will be thinking about you during the week and especially when I am in a position to post a thread that I am feeling better and stronger. This whole thing sucks. And to try to quit alone seems to be the biggest mistake we can make. Read all the posts of those who have genuinely recovered.
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Old 06-08-2009, 07:01 PM
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Originally Posted by nogard View Post
Wewlcome to SR Kelly

You know if Nothing Changes Nothing Changes. We are addicts we use, thats what we do and have done for so long its ingrained in our skin blood and bones, we have a disease which can be arrested if we dont use drugs. Thats whats wrong with us, well not wrong we just have a different reaction to any mind or mood alter substances.


What are you doing to look after yourself keep clean and get well. Do you have some support? There are many different kinds. Here is a list

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

There is always hope and as you clearly have the desire to quit using, keep reading and posting here and have a look at face to face support options

You can PM me if you want to talk or vent or have any questions. I am happy to be here for those new here and old here

SR was my start to a new life and the freedom from the grip of addiction. Today I live a full life without drugs and without the obsession and compulsion to use drugs.

You can too, we all can if we reach for recovery and keep hold of it always.

Kevin
Thank you for the link, Kevin. I haven't had any support beyond this website, but I did finally confide in someone today. I'm waiting on her response (I'm a chickensh*t & sent an email) and am so scared of what she's going to say.

Congratulations on your own recovery!
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Old 06-08-2009, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Phaleron View Post
I'm glad you're back and I think the simple fact that you're here posting is clear indication that you really do want to begin your recovery journey. You do need to get yourself to a meeting or any other form of support that is available to you though. :ghug

thoughts

Phal
Thank you (again).

I don't know...I wonder why I'm here, honestly. I don't have any advice to offer anyone.
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Old 06-08-2009, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Kelly927 View Post
. I don't have any advice to offer anyone.
You will in time, but for now just focus on you! We are here to support you... you CAN do it!!!

Shannon
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Old 06-08-2009, 11:31 PM
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Still waiting on my friend's response. This sucks. Beginning to feel like I should have kept my mouth shut.
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Old 06-09-2009, 01:24 PM
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Spent the last half hour rummaging around in my purse, bathroom, suitcase, makeup bag...anywhere I could have stashed a few pills. I hate this feeling. I hate that I was so excited when I found it that I cried. I can't call the pharmacy again today (already have 3 times) to check on the refill I'm waiting for my doctor to call in.

I wish my friend would respond. Even if she isn't supportive. I just want to know.
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Old 06-18-2009, 10:37 AM
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I keep deleting everything I type. I feel like I'm going to explode. It's a mix of anger, anxiety, frustration, and the stupid cravings I'm a slave to. This is going to be a mess of a posting. I just have to get it out. I'm sorry.

I thought it would be good to confide in a friend, but she is driving me nuts & I feel like such a b*tch for even thinking that. She's constantly checking on me, which is so great of her to do, and I feel so much pressure to not disappoint her, but I'm going to. I already have. She took it all really well, but she simply doesn't understand addiction...she thinks I can just stop swallowing pills, stop swallowing alcohol, and everything will be fine. She doesn't understand that it isn't that simple. She leads the cleanest life of anyone I know. When we were kids, she & her family were my calm in the storm - they were the "normal" people I aspired to be like. She doesn't know and wouldn't understand what goes on in my head. Wow, doesn't that make me sound like a loon. Great.

She wants to sit down and work out a plan, and keeps hounding me about going to meetings, and I know in my head that these are good things, but I'm not ready. I can't do this. She's pushing me too hard & I'm getting angry at her, but how am I justified in that!? I'm not, so I haven't told her, but it's driving me insane...her incessant planning and thinking and caring and calling. I can't handle it.

I'm supposed to be on the road right now, on my way to visit her and then my family for a few days, but I woke up in the beginnings of withdrawal because I tried to cut back yesterday (pointless). I didn't want to use anything this morning because I'll be driving, but then I noticed it was warmer than usual and realized my a/c is out. So, now I'm waiting for a repair person to get here, sweating & freaking out about money because of that, and she keeps texting me and asking if I'm on the road, and now I feel like this whole trip is a mistake. I don't know what made me think I could do this. I can barely handle my own family and keeping this from them, but she has kids. I need to be clearheaded around her kids, but the simple fact that she now knows is screwing with my head. It's almost like I want to hurt her and make her angry NOW just to get it over with, because it's going to happen anyway, so why delay it? I never should have told her. Sh*t.

So, now I'm sitting here staring at my suitcase and wishing I could just cancel on everyone, but I won't. Not because I'm a nice, loving, caring person who wants to visit her friends & family. Because I know when I get there, I'll get more pills. My mom will fill her prescription for 120 for me and hand it over, and I'll probably be able to get some from my grandparents, too. By "get", I mean swipe. They never notice. I'm disgusting.

I can't do this without something in me. Waiting for oxy's to kick in and relieve some of this....whatever it is that makes me feel like I'm going to explode. But I won't drink. I keep a flask in my purse. I am that person. But I won't touch it until I get there. God, this is driving me nuts. She is the type of person who will go through my bags & take it. How am I going to do this? Is she locking up her liquor because I'm coming? Has she told her husband? They're going to be watching me. I can't stand that. I don't want to talk about any of this with her, but there's no way in hell she will let me get away with that. I am going to explode if this **** doesn't kick in soon.
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Old 06-18-2009, 11:33 AM
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Hi Kelly. I quit booze only 2 short weeks ago, its not the same at all what u are going thru but I really hope u find the strength from somewhere u dont yet know exsists to pull out of this. Benzo adddiction looks to be a lot more frightening than I imagined.
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Old 06-18-2009, 02:44 PM
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wow. you pretty much managed to put all of my feelings into words....

be in touch. Im here for u, man......We all are
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Old 06-23-2009, 02:29 PM
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Originally Posted by eddie73 View Post
Hi Kelly. I quit booze only 2 short weeks ago, its not the same at all what u are going thru but I really hope u find the strength from somewhere u dont yet know exsists to pull out of this. Benzo adddiction looks to be a lot more frightening than I imagined.

Hi Eddie. Congrats to you on 2 weeks! Please don't discredit how difficult your own battle is, and be proud of how far you've come. Good luck to you!

I hope I find the strength, too. I'm trying.
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Old 06-23-2009, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by pearlwolf911 View Post
wow. you pretty much managed to put all of my feelings into words....

be in touch. Im here for u, man......We all are
Thank you
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Old 06-23-2009, 05:31 PM
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Hi again Kelly. How are u? Did u manage to quit again? 2 weeks is almost 3 weeks sober for me now, and I am feeling 'normal'. I feel safe and out of harm, which is something I dont or cant understand when I am in the middle of a blow out. Just thought Id let u know that things do get better. Long way to go but prefer this road than the other one!
Hope u are well.
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Old 06-24-2009, 02:03 AM
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I'm really struggling today. I don't want to quit. I like myself better when I'm on the pills, and I like myself even more when I supplement. I'm a kinder, softer, more patient version of myself on them. They insulate me and help to numb the things I can't change.
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