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Old 03-10-2009, 09:28 AM
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New Member Introduction

Wow. I can't believe I'm doing this. I hope I'm in the right place to be posting like this. I hope I'm doing it correctly, and please accept my apologies if I'm screwing this up somehow. I can be taught!

*big breath* I've realized I have an addiction to prescription painkillers, and they have gone from being something I took strictly for pain, to being a bit of an emotional crutch, to being something I cannot physically stop taking, AND I cannot emotionally stop taking them. I just can't.

When I try to stop...wow. The feeling is like every ounce of hope I've ever had in my life has been completely sucked out of me. It's the most terrifying hopelessness. This void opens up in my brain, and then rapidly sucks out any of the happiness I've managed to build. I feel absolute panic, like the walls are closing in on me. And the physical reaction is miserable...like I have "restless legs", but all over my body. Constant goosebumps and jumpy-nerves, my stomach gets intensely crampy, I get a splitting headache, my muscles are fatigued and hurt to the point that walking and even moving feels impossible, I can't sleep, I can't hold still, I can't get my mind to stop racing, I start sweating and feel like throwing up. Quite glamorous.

I've never been addicted to anything, and did not think I had an "addictive personality" - I get my pills legally, and read and signed all the required forms. I didn't go into this blind or intending to abuse them. I guess at this point it doesn't matter, though, because I AM abusing them, and I AM addicted.

I'm just starting the journey of realizing there is a problem, and I guess I'm at the point of realizing I need to stop...but right now I feel like I can't. And I'm scared. I'm scared, and I feel very alone, and very hopeless. In the last few months the feel-good part of the pills only lasts the first 15-20 minutes after they hit. After that, it's a much milder, bearable version of the hopeless feeling I experience when I go too long without taking them. I'm scared of how I will feel in 6 months if I don't get a grip on this. Will the emotional high go lower & lower until I don't even experience one? Then what? How will I exist without it?

I don't know what to do, but I do know I need help. So this is probably really lame, but admitting all of this is a huge step for me - I've never before put it into words and fully admitted all of this as an addiction I need help for.

Thanks to anyone who read through all this crap.
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Old 03-10-2009, 09:35 AM
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Welcome to SR and thank you for sharing. Admitting you have a problem is a huge first step. You know you are powerless over it and now you took the 2nd step and are doing something about it. Go 24 hours without them if you can, but do consult a doctor first.

Again, welcome!!
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Old 03-10-2009, 09:50 AM
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Welcome Kelly and thanks for sharing your story.
I think the best way to get this problem under control is to see your doctor as soon as possible. He will hopefully know what it will take to get you to where you can do OK without the pain pills.
Good luck.
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Old 03-10-2009, 10:10 AM
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great to see you here kelly and welcome...............trucker
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Old 03-10-2009, 11:39 AM
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Old 03-10-2009, 11:49 AM
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Welcome to SR! Ditto on seeing a doctor, but in addition, reach out here for emotional support. This is an amazing place!
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Old 03-10-2009, 11:56 AM
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Hey admitting that you have a problem is scary.

Ditto the Doctor.

Welcome to SR! Read stories around here and you'll find they sound a lot like yours. That's a good thing! it means you can get off of painkillers and succeed in having a healthy life!!

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Old 03-10-2009, 12:24 PM
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Welcome to SR and we are all glad you are here! It was very brave of you to admit to the problem you are facing and is a great first step. I have to agree with others and talk with a doctor you trust to help you get through the physical withdraws as it can be a dangerous proccess for some people and Doctors can make it a safer more tolerable experience. Please keep coming back here reading and posting for all the support and encouragement you could want and need. This is definitely a great place to be and there are so many caring and wonderful people here that will support you and try to help you through this the best that we know how. And once again welcome and we're glad to have you hear!
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Old 03-10-2009, 02:57 PM
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Thanks so much for the welcome! I really appreciate all the kind words of support. It's nice to know there's somewhere I can be understood.
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Old 03-10-2009, 03:05 PM
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Hi Kelly, It's so great that you are on here reaching out, and admitting that you have a problem is huge! It took me years to admit I was an addict (at age 32) and I had started abusing painkillers as a teenager. Like you, I obtained them with prescriptions. I manipulated many doctors (including my father) and used legitimate medical conditions to get LOTS of opiates. I was so ashamed for so long, which only kept me going back to the pills even more. Finally after it got totally UNMANAGEABLE I couldn't keep up the facade of being a wife and mother anymore and I WANTED OUT...what a relief to admit defeat and get help. After being alone in my head for years, I went to treatment where doctors helped me detox, and I could start learning about this disease. Looking back, I think I should have stayed even longer than 30 days. If you can get medical help to detox, it is so helpful. The idea of telling someone I had a problem was 100X worse than actually telling them...my doctors,husband,family...were all compassionate. I actually just admitted to my psychiatrist and she called my husband, then I talked to him, he called my family and so on. So i really only had to get those words out of my mouth one time! Sorry I just wrote a book, but I can really relate so much to your post! Keep coming on here and let us know how you are doing...
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Old 03-10-2009, 03:09 PM
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Hi Kelly and fellow Texan. I have spent a lot of time viewing and posting on this site. It has helped and encouraged me beyond my expectations and I know it will do the same for you.
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Old 03-10-2009, 03:09 PM
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Hi and welcome to SR, look forward to hearing from you in the future..
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Old 03-10-2009, 09:30 PM
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Hi Kelly. Welcome! I agree with everyone saying it's a good idea to see a doctor. You need to talk to someone who can give you instructions on what to do while you are detoxing. Your doc may even prescribe some meds that will help you with withdrawls and the reaction you are physically having when coming off of them. Glad your here.
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Old 03-10-2009, 09:46 PM
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Welcome! This is a wonderful place.

You are not alone. I was where you are almost two years ago.
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Old 03-10-2009, 10:23 PM
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You are brave to start this journey. I'm glad you're here. I think you should most definitely consult with your doctor before anything else.

The one thing I remember that someone in AA told me at my first meeting (amid my buckets and buckets of tears) is this: there is a solution. And that's true for you too. I don't recall very much about what else she said - I was drunk and sobbing. But I will always remember that. There is a solution. And she turned out to be right.

It may not be easy at first. It may turn out to be the fight of your life. But you do not have to go through life addicted to pain pills. And it will get better as you go.
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Old 03-10-2009, 10:49 PM
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glad you are here

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Old 03-11-2009, 02:59 AM
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Welcome!!

Alcoholics, drug abusers, addicts, we're all the same, we can't cope without our stuff, till we learn how. It's great that you stated that you can be taught, becasue that's why all of us are here. We're all learning how to give up our crutches and walk through each day without using. It takes time, and we need alot of help, so stick around. You helped me today just by coming here and telling your story. I hope I can repay the favor soon.
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Old 03-11-2009, 07:41 AM
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Hi Kelly...Wow, can I relate to your story! I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addicit, 166 days clean. I became addicted to painpills after an accident more than 10 years ago. Before checking into rehab this past September, I was taking 30, 10mg hydro-or-oxycodones per day...doing coke when I couldn't get the pills to help with the withdrawls...then doing coke WITH the pills...I'm lucky to be alive after that combo!
While in rehab, they started me on Suboxone...two tiny pills a day. At first, I doubted that these two little pills could ever help me because I was so sick from the withdrawls. But I was wrong...after taking the first dose, I began feeling better. It took away the withdrawl symptoms plus, I have no cravings for opiates.
After being released from rehab, I found a doctor who prescribes Suboxone and see him once a month to be monitered while taking it. My personal goal is to stop the Sub. within a year...although, some have to stay on it longer, some less, It just depends on the severity and length of your addiction.
For me, this medication has been a miracle! I had tried many times to quit the pills, only to relapse because I could not handle the withdrawls. I never thought I'd be able to stop. But, let me also say...the sub. alone will not work. You need to work a program...for me, thats NA. You need that support! Between NA, and this board, I find that I'm not alone in this disease and it really helps to hear stories of hope and to share my own. Keep posting!
Good Luck...You're in my prayers! :praying
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Old 03-11-2009, 03:29 PM
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"please accept my apologies if I'm screwing this up somehow..."

Looks to me like you are on the road to NOT screwing things up anymore.

Welcome.
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Old 03-11-2009, 03:40 PM
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Hi and welcome! :ghug3
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