So...I'm back. I'm not sure why I'm back. I'm not in recovery, nor do I want to be right now. What I want is more. More pills, more pills, more pills. I'm getting them consistently now, so the supply is good and I've got myself to a point where they're lasting...and I had an honest conversation with my doctor about 2 months ago - well, semi-honest - and he knows I'm physically addicted, but said not to quit since I'm using them for legitimate pain. Pain we cannot find another solution for. So, I don't see the point in quitting. What I have a problem with is how sh*tty I feel lately. So...I don't know. I'm guess I'm just like everyone else on here who still uses...want to quit in my mind, on some days, or on the days when I feel like sh*t about it. But physically can't fathom being away from this sh*t, and even emotionally can't handle life without them.
So, I don't know if that explains anything. I don't think anyone really reads my posts anyway, and that's not a complaint, just an honest observation. So I'm not here for the lovey-dovey feel-good stuff. Maybe I'm here to vent. Dunno. The spouse now knows about my addiction. He saw something I wrote for school. But it's awkward now, because I know he knows, but he hasn't said anything about it. And that really p*sses me off. It feels like he doesn't care. Which...could exactly be it. And that makes me really, really, bone-deep sad. *sigh*