Jaman34

Hi Kelly...I was hooked on oxycodone for almost 4 years, up to 50 pills a day, 10 at a time, plus other narcotic painkillers brought on by an injury at work and 3 subsequent surgeries on my arm. Please know, I know how you feel when your on them. Thats why its so easy to get hooked and they really get a hold of you. But my body just kept growing tolerance for them so i took more and more untill an accidental almost overdose. That was on June 1st/2009. I wanted off them because they were literally ruining my life. I didn't go out, had no ambition to do anything but get high...no sex drive(brutal for the wife) and I asked my Family Physician to help me 3 times and he wouldn't. Said I needed the medication. It was finally an Emergency room Doc. that helped me. She asked if I really wanted to quit and I said yes, was just a little scared of de-tox. She prescribed me a med called cloinidine which is a blood pressure medication and is not a narcotic or addictive.I took that 3x day for 3 days. It would help with the withdrawal symptoms she said. The first day and a half I slept interupted often by diahreeah...then I got "restlessleg syndrome" and had real difficulty sleeping for 3 more days. Hardly any at all. By day 5 I was feeling sooo much better and right now at day 23, I feel great!....it's up to you if you really want to do it...I had people to help me..my wife and my family and I really feel for you having noone...please feel free to message me anytime and if you even want me to call you or something..let me know....there are people to help...I really hope you make it!!

Kelly927

Jaman, thanks so much for sharing your own struggle and for the kind words - it's very much appreciated. Congrats on 23 days and it sounds like you have the right frame of mind to keep going! Not to mention a supportive wife, which is fantastic!

Kelly927

I'm sitting in front of my computer with so many thoughts swirling around in my head, yet I have this complete inability to get them sorted out of my brain and onto the screen. This is SO frustrating.

Today, I wish I had someone to hand my pills to.

tallcactus

(((Kelly)))
Just flush them.

Thentram

I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult day, I hope you are able to find some peace. Keep reaching out here, maybe share your thoughts one at a time. I'll be thinking of you.

Kelly927

Even if I did, I'd get more. I know this about myself. I'm just not at the point that I can quit, which (I *think*) is why I have such a hard time "sharing" on here...I feel like it's pointless to post about my struggles when I'm not doing anything to change them. And yet, I keep coming back here. And I don't know WHAT to think about that fact.

smynthia

Hi Kelly-
Welcome and good luck in your recovery.

Kelly927

I'm scared of my thoughts right now, and though they are excruciatingly difficult to admit because I am fully aware of how absolutely IGNORANT they are, I need to get these thoughts out of my head.

Yesterday morning I had a quick, simple procedure done at the hospital that required "twilight" sedation. I've had it done several times before, no big deal. Yesterday, at the moment the anesthesiologist pushed the drug in my IV, it hit me - I LOVE this feeling. Those 10-15-ish seconds when the drugs kick in, before I drop off asleep...I LOVE that feeling.

I woke up in pain, but I didn't even care because all I could think about was that rush, and that I really wanted to feel it again. By the time I was in my car being driven home, I was already wondering HOW I could get that rush again. And I mentally went through my phone book, picking out names of people I know who would be able to hook me up with something like that.

What is WRONG with me?!?! Who am I now? It's been over 24 hrs, and I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about those people in my phone book. I've picked up the phone. Put it back down. I want to throw it against the wall! I just can't stop thinking about that feeling.

I feel like I'm standing in front of a door, with my hand on the knob, and I'm in limbo...unable to back away from the door, but unable to go through it. How do I back away? How do I get this stupid, stupid, STUPID thought out of my head? It's scaring the **** out of me.

smynthia

Kelly -

I would try calling your local NA office and see if there are some people to talk to. Things are really tough for you now, and I think you will find people there who have gone through exactly what you have gone through. Good luck. Recovery is possible.

shelly009

Hi Kelly

Its soo great that you came this far already. Admitting the problem is the hardest part... trust me, took me A LONG time!

That said, sounds like you are pretty physically reliant on these pills and your doctor will be the best one to help with the physical stuff (maybe detox or slowly cutting you back)

As for the emotional part, you came to the right place! Nice to meet you, stick around!!

Kelly927

I did it. I called. Anxiety is eating me alive right now.

Tazman53

Kelly I am a little late adding anything to this thread, but I understand trying to fight this alone, some folks can get all they need from SR, but if you are like me, I could not do it alone, I needed a program and face to face support, I am an alcoholic and I found that in AA, you can find the same in NA. Congrats on staying clean thus far, doing it alone is darn tough, I never could do it alone, I only found long term happy sobriety once I got into AA with the program and face to face support, you are not alone, there are plenty of folks that will be more then happy to walk the path with you.

Thami

Thank you for taking the first step, and Congratulations for having the willingness to tackle your addiction. This is where you find Luv and Support. Here you will never be judged and the one thing that will come out the ppl here is sincere honesty and genuine help :ghug

Let your desire to stop be the driving force behind your recovery and just aim to do the next right thing (Don't pick up the next tab).
When you feel like things are getting a bit too hectic, just come into the forums and here you will always find someone that will encourage you and try to help to stay clean for another day.

Just for today: I want to continue enjoying the life I've found in recovery. Today, I will take steps to maintain my foundation.

Kelly927

I need to clarify that I am NOT clean, sober, etc. I'm still using & still drinking. I don't want anyone to think otherwise of me.

I found an NA meeting near me and I'm going to try to attend it today. I say "try" because I don't trust myself. Until I'm sitting in it, I'm not there. Until I stay for the duration of it, I haven't attended.

smacked

Sorry to hear it Kelly.

Be safe.

Jaman34

Hi Kelly, wanted to come on here and see how you were doing. I felt exactly like you did at one time. I wanted to quit to live life "normally", but I LOOOOVED the high. I almost overdosed and believe me there is no feeling like that. If you haven't felt it, I hope you never do. Please get the help you need however you have to do it kelly before your taken away in an ambulance or worse. Your worth it and you should know that. You sound like an intelligent sensitive person. You said you are not ready to quit but I think you are. That's why your here talking to us. You are ready. You can be strong and quit. Keep talking and just let it all out. Noone here will judge you.At least they haven't to me yet.lol. Try going in the chat room sometime.see if that helps you. Take care.

Kelly927

It's hard to "let it out" - I love helping others and am very open-minded toward all of my loved ones and friends, but it goes one way. I don't really like to confide my feelings to people. I'm sure we all feel this way to a certain degree, but it seems like there's no way my brain is normal. If that makes any sense. My thoughts are so...conflicting. Ugh, none of this makes sense. Grrrrrr.

Kelly927

I feel as if I've lost my hope. My addiction is an escape from reality, and my reality is that I have no solution for the things I'm trying to escape from. I feel like I am going in this pointless little circle, day after day. I don't know why I want to quit. I can't exist without something to lift the anxiety, blur the edges, and soothe the sadness. Who am I kidding? I can't even make it 24 hours without swallowing a pill or a drink of alcohol. No one likes me sober - I'm irritable, tired, quiet, and depressed. And yet, I'm so d*mn tired of all this. Of the loneliness. Sometimes I wonder why no one has noticed. As ridiculous as the thought is, there is a part of me that feels like I can't possibly have a REAL problem when no one has even noticed that anything is wrong.

I'm just...tired. Tomorrow is another day.

eddie73

Hi Kelly, Im sorry u are having a hard time trying at the moment. Things will get better, its just that sometimes we only remember the really awful times when we are not 'at' ourselves. Keep trying and just dont give up!

Kelly927

I visited a girlfriend tonight. When we said goodbye as I was leaving, she said she was glad I seemed happier than when I arrived. I instantly knew it was because I was in mild withdrawal when I walked into her house, due to stupidly trying to "cut back" today. I feel like such a loser, such a fraud, because it was only once the pills kicked in that I seemed happy and normal to her. I hate that. I hate that if she knew how much pain meds were in my body as I was holding her 11 month old child, she would have kicked me out of her home. And at the same time, my mind latched onto her comment and is trying to use it to justify what I'm doing, to give me another excuse why I can't stop.

I've always been immensely proud of everyone at SR who is sober, but never more than I am right now. To have gone through thoughts and feelings like I'm going through (and far, far worse, I'm certain) and have found the strength and determination to come out the other side, clean and sober, is truly amazing.