Here goes ..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Octoman, it can be hard...We need to learn how to live again without drinking.
The only way you will learn to trust yourself is to do it. Courage is doing something afraid. If you don't believe in yourself who will? Call your friend reschedule and do it! I bet you have fun and if he is really your friend not drinking won't be an issue, it is usually alot bigger in our minds than theirs.
The only way you will learn to trust yourself is to do it. Courage is doing something afraid. If you don't believe in yourself who will? Call your friend reschedule and do it! I bet you have fun and if he is really your friend not drinking won't be an issue, it is usually alot bigger in our minds than theirs.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I agree with Parent Octo - mannnn...
because it sounded more to me like you were goin on 'gut instinct' and
that's what will save us more than it will harm us.
Sorry about the social disappointment -
but at the same time you're not posting a relapse note , either.
because it sounded more to me like you were goin on 'gut instinct' and
that's what will save us more than it will harm us.
Sorry about the social disappointment -
but at the same time you're not posting a relapse note , either.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Posts: 345
Hi, thanks for the resonses.
This morning I'm glad I chose not to risk going out. The pleasure of waking up sober in the morning has not diminished since day one - and hopefully it never will.
Its the first time I have truly had to change plans to protect my recovery but I'm proud of myself. Dont know why I felt shaky - been having an internal argument for a week now about trying some controlled drinking. I know its crazy but I keep convicing myself that if I try drinking when I'm not craving then it would be okay etc. The next day I always thank my lucky starts I didnt.
I came close to a relapse a few weeks back after which I promised myself I wouldnt risk my sobriety again. Hoperfully these thoughts will pass.
Happy Friday
This morning I'm glad I chose not to risk going out. The pleasure of waking up sober in the morning has not diminished since day one - and hopefully it never will.
Its the first time I have truly had to change plans to protect my recovery but I'm proud of myself. Dont know why I felt shaky - been having an internal argument for a week now about trying some controlled drinking. I know its crazy but I keep convicing myself that if I try drinking when I'm not craving then it would be okay etc. The next day I always thank my lucky starts I didnt.
I came close to a relapse a few weeks back after which I promised myself I wouldnt risk my sobriety again. Hoperfully these thoughts will pass.
Happy Friday
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Posts: 345
Thought I would drop in and say hi. Time is ticking by and I am still sober - 73 days now.
I had thought of something I wanted to write but I've forgotten what it was. Thats good going even by my standards! Forgot what I was going to say in about 3 seconds. Guess the brain is still stuck in standby mode....
Physically I feel much better now though. i have been doing my exercise regime at the gym every other day for 6 weeks now during my lunch break from work. For anyone who just quit I really recommend exercising. For me it is a great release from the background nagging of this addiction plus as I feel better it becomes something I dont want to lose. I have had a few close calls where the will power has suddenly vanished but I think this fact alone has pulled me back from the brink a couple of times.
So I am getting fitter - although my face still goes bright red for about an hour when I get back to work. No idea why it does that - wondering if it was due to my past drinking? Anyway, its pretty hard to be convincing in a meeting with a bright red face and sweating profusely. It just looks like I'm lying. Badly! A bit of carful scheduling has helped avoid too many embarrasments though
Weather is turning to autumn here now. Love crunching through the leaves on the way to work in the morning. Never noticed them before but I guess in previous years I ws just too inside myself to notice. So another benefit of my sobriety to add to my list! Plus, having quit smoking at the same time I can enjoy the smells of autumn - and avoid putting burn marks all over my overcoat everytime there is a gust of wind. The smoking has been tough too but this is the longest I have gone and my cravings seem to be subsiding a bit. Alcohol was always an enabler for my smoking so previous efforts to quit were scuppered at the bar.
All in all not bad then. My sobriety still feels very fragile and I have noticed a growing annoyance (and resentment) at being unable to drink. In the beginning it was all about giving up the drink but now its becoming about giving up the lifestyle which is harder. Does that make sense? I can handle the sharp pangs to drink that hit me from time to time but I find it harder to deal with the moments when it hits me that I have had to give up something I really loved. In those moment it is SO easy to just pick up. Perhaps that is what is described as the momentary madness before the first drink. All I know is that I need to keep these feelings under control because they are dangerous. Just not sure how to do that right now though and I'm worried about making any changes because something seems to be working. I am after all approaching three months which I am really proud of because it has been hellish at times. I really really dont want to screw this up and go through it all again.
Wow, what a lot of waffle! Just read what I typed and realized I'm turning into random thought man!! Maybe I can amuse myself by sharing my random thoughts with the people I sit next to on the train. I used to do it when I was drunk and people listened so why not sober. My thoughts are much more random now!
Okay thats enough. I'll probably type something else in a minute when I remember what I was going to say.
Love to all.
We can do this
I had thought of something I wanted to write but I've forgotten what it was. Thats good going even by my standards! Forgot what I was going to say in about 3 seconds. Guess the brain is still stuck in standby mode....
Physically I feel much better now though. i have been doing my exercise regime at the gym every other day for 6 weeks now during my lunch break from work. For anyone who just quit I really recommend exercising. For me it is a great release from the background nagging of this addiction plus as I feel better it becomes something I dont want to lose. I have had a few close calls where the will power has suddenly vanished but I think this fact alone has pulled me back from the brink a couple of times.
So I am getting fitter - although my face still goes bright red for about an hour when I get back to work. No idea why it does that - wondering if it was due to my past drinking? Anyway, its pretty hard to be convincing in a meeting with a bright red face and sweating profusely. It just looks like I'm lying. Badly! A bit of carful scheduling has helped avoid too many embarrasments though
Weather is turning to autumn here now. Love crunching through the leaves on the way to work in the morning. Never noticed them before but I guess in previous years I ws just too inside myself to notice. So another benefit of my sobriety to add to my list! Plus, having quit smoking at the same time I can enjoy the smells of autumn - and avoid putting burn marks all over my overcoat everytime there is a gust of wind. The smoking has been tough too but this is the longest I have gone and my cravings seem to be subsiding a bit. Alcohol was always an enabler for my smoking so previous efforts to quit were scuppered at the bar.
All in all not bad then. My sobriety still feels very fragile and I have noticed a growing annoyance (and resentment) at being unable to drink. In the beginning it was all about giving up the drink but now its becoming about giving up the lifestyle which is harder. Does that make sense? I can handle the sharp pangs to drink that hit me from time to time but I find it harder to deal with the moments when it hits me that I have had to give up something I really loved. In those moment it is SO easy to just pick up. Perhaps that is what is described as the momentary madness before the first drink. All I know is that I need to keep these feelings under control because they are dangerous. Just not sure how to do that right now though and I'm worried about making any changes because something seems to be working. I am after all approaching three months which I am really proud of because it has been hellish at times. I really really dont want to screw this up and go through it all again.
Wow, what a lot of waffle! Just read what I typed and realized I'm turning into random thought man!! Maybe I can amuse myself by sharing my random thoughts with the people I sit next to on the train. I used to do it when I was drunk and people listened so why not sober. My thoughts are much more random now!
Okay thats enough. I'll probably type something else in a minute when I remember what I was going to say.
Love to all.
We can do this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Posts: 345
Having a really bad night tonight. Totally hacked off that I cant have a drink. Really powerful desire to do so. All my usual tricks arent working just now so thought I would come on here and read and post for a bit.
When I feel like this its impossible to believe that I can stay dry forever. Not feeling this way.
When I feel like this its impossible to believe that I can stay dry forever. Not feeling this way.
arian
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: White Rock, B.C., Canada
Posts: 13
hold on!
Hi Octoman. Please "hold on"!!! And "breathe".................
You do not ~ repeat...do not...have to think in the forever...just the now.
One day...one moment at a time.
I know the other day I had a case of the crazies over something upsetting...my head was whirring, I think I had a "cast of thousands" whispering "stinkin' thinkin'" to me ~ as they say, I felt shaky, +++ anxious and the thought [just a thought...brief...but there] crept into the dark recesses of my mind. I talked to a couple of friends and rationalized the moment for what it was really worth. I made myself "think the drink"...and you know...before I knew it ~ I was able to see that the issue was "not" worth it and not that insurmountable.
For all the grief that alcohol has given me...to list a few...sickness, loss of self...black outs, health problems and deathly remorse...nothing was worth going back to that place.
You can do this.
Continue to reach out to others/your HP, connect with AA [a sponsor, fellow members or 24-hr. AA phone line], recovery reading, journal, prayer, meditation, continue to express your feelings & ask for help, exercise, try to do something fun, make sure you eat well and try to sleep well...balance/structure.
And breathe....
Remember what it was like for you and those you loved when you drank...you deserve so much better. You deserve to be well and happy.
Hang on! You are not alone and do not have to do this alone.
You do not ~ repeat...do not...have to think in the forever...just the now.
One day...one moment at a time.
I know the other day I had a case of the crazies over something upsetting...my head was whirring, I think I had a "cast of thousands" whispering "stinkin' thinkin'" to me ~ as they say, I felt shaky, +++ anxious and the thought [just a thought...brief...but there] crept into the dark recesses of my mind. I talked to a couple of friends and rationalized the moment for what it was really worth. I made myself "think the drink"...and you know...before I knew it ~ I was able to see that the issue was "not" worth it and not that insurmountable.
For all the grief that alcohol has given me...to list a few...sickness, loss of self...black outs, health problems and deathly remorse...nothing was worth going back to that place.
You can do this.
Continue to reach out to others/your HP, connect with AA [a sponsor, fellow members or 24-hr. AA phone line], recovery reading, journal, prayer, meditation, continue to express your feelings & ask for help, exercise, try to do something fun, make sure you eat well and try to sleep well...balance/structure.
And breathe....
Remember what it was like for you and those you loved when you drank...you deserve so much better. You deserve to be well and happy.
Hang on! You are not alone and do not have to do this alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Posts: 345
Hi
Thanks for the comments. You're right of course, thinking about forever makes it seem impossible pretty quickly. Its just really annoying that after a pretty tough week at work where I managed to keep it together under quite difficult circumstances I end up fighting with myself when I'm supposed to be relaxing on a Friday night.
I feel a little calmer now though. Its late here so I'm off to bed. Didnt drink though!
I'll post in the morning when hopefully I'm back to `normal`.
Thanks for the comments. You're right of course, thinking about forever makes it seem impossible pretty quickly. Its just really annoying that after a pretty tough week at work where I managed to keep it together under quite difficult circumstances I end up fighting with myself when I'm supposed to be relaxing on a Friday night.
I feel a little calmer now though. Its late here so I'm off to bed. Didnt drink though!
I'll post in the morning when hopefully I'm back to `normal`.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Octo, are you going to meetings ?
You sound restless, irritable, & discontent. Classic symptoms of white knuckling it.
It is possible, but it aint fun. I think I told you that I substituted cycling for my drinking at one time. It worked for a while, but after about 5 years I caved and drank again.
After another 8 years of being out there, I finally succumbed and went to AA. Things have never been better for me.
You sound restless, irritable, & discontent. Classic symptoms of white knuckling it.
It is possible, but it aint fun. I think I told you that I substituted cycling for my drinking at one time. It worked for a while, but after about 5 years I caved and drank again.
After another 8 years of being out there, I finally succumbed and went to AA. Things have never been better for me.
smileyologist and lord of bees
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: mourning smileys near you
Posts: 2,508
Stick with it Octo, you're doing great - you don't want to be in the place I was before I went to the docs this morning, always remind yourself of how aboultely sh*t you'll feel after a drink; I'm in the same boat and will have to do the same once I'm off this librium stuff the gave me to withdraw safely...
Thought I was going to die this morning, that's how bad it felt!!!
Stay strong my friend and don't touch any drinks!!!
Thought I was going to die this morning, that's how bad it felt!!!
Stay strong my friend and don't touch any drinks!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Posts: 345
Hi All,
Glad I got through that last night! Words of encouragement really helped and so did re-reading peoples stories and threads. Eventually got me focused again. Thanks everyone
I think the immediate trigger has been a bad week at work. In the past when I have made it to Friday I have celebrated with colleagues straight from work then gone home and drank through the night. Last night I found it hard to walk past everyone relaxing in a bar and head straight home. My wife had gone off to a house party armed with a couple of bottles of wine (I was invited too but for obvious reasons chose not to) so found myself at home alone after putting my son to bed bouncing off the walls. I was struck by how hard it hit me.
I think the broader problem is a growing resentment towards not being able to drink but I had been pushing it away - trying not to think about it. Reconfirming my reasons for stopping has helped this to some degree but I need to think about how I can deal with this.
GP - my support is through this site and also family who I have been totally open with now about the problem. I also attend AA occasionally to listen to other speak and have a chat at the end with the other members. I am not a regular though and have not attended the same group twice. If I am to be brutally honest I still struggle with some of the concepts that I would need to take on board to take things further. I'm not closed to anything though and if I find myself back the way I felt yesterday regularly I will do what I have to.
I feel a lot better today though, just the normal backround anxiety I guess. Going to have some breakfast and take a long walk.
Oct
Glad I got through that last night! Words of encouragement really helped and so did re-reading peoples stories and threads. Eventually got me focused again. Thanks everyone
I think the immediate trigger has been a bad week at work. In the past when I have made it to Friday I have celebrated with colleagues straight from work then gone home and drank through the night. Last night I found it hard to walk past everyone relaxing in a bar and head straight home. My wife had gone off to a house party armed with a couple of bottles of wine (I was invited too but for obvious reasons chose not to) so found myself at home alone after putting my son to bed bouncing off the walls. I was struck by how hard it hit me.
I think the broader problem is a growing resentment towards not being able to drink but I had been pushing it away - trying not to think about it. Reconfirming my reasons for stopping has helped this to some degree but I need to think about how I can deal with this.
GP - my support is through this site and also family who I have been totally open with now about the problem. I also attend AA occasionally to listen to other speak and have a chat at the end with the other members. I am not a regular though and have not attended the same group twice. If I am to be brutally honest I still struggle with some of the concepts that I would need to take on board to take things further. I'm not closed to anything though and if I find myself back the way I felt yesterday regularly I will do what I have to.
I feel a lot better today though, just the normal backround anxiety I guess. Going to have some breakfast and take a long walk.
Oct
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
it's not so much 'not being able' to drink ...
it's choosing all the good that comes from choosing not to drink.
when I changed the way I looked at things
the things i looked at ... changed.
it's choosing all the good that comes from choosing not to drink.
when I changed the way I looked at things
the things i looked at ... changed.
when people say the word 'god' lol!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Ladera Ranch, CA
Posts: 184
Hey Octo, sorry you went through a rough weekend. That sucks. I've had a couple of those as well. Octo and I quit almost exactly the same time. I'm glad you didn't cave. It would be hard if my wife drank and there was booze in the house. For that I respect your sobriety way more now. Your a tough dude. When I have had a tough time I do a few things that help me out. I reach for some liquid and fill my belly, water, coke, OJ whatever.. I find a hobby that i can really get my mind into. Reading a book, playing a video game, playing my guitar etc.. Instead of watching tv, if i get my mind working (even after a hell of a week at work).. things seem to be better for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Posts: 345
Just dropping in to say hi. havent been here much this last couple of days what with one thing or another but still sober
I have something worrying me a bit too.
Each year I have a get together with three of my best friends. We all live in different parts of the country and we have met up anually for a decade now. Its extremely important to us and we have agreed that barring death or disease we will always make it.
The get togethers are highly booze fueled. Basically stag parties without a groom. We get T shirts printed and arrive in a different town each year selected via a daft voting system and then drink, talk and make merry. They are my closest friends (we have been best mates at each other weddings) and I cannot miss seeing them.
Now, I'm not crazy enough to put myself at such direct risk. When we were planning this years trip I told my fiends I had admitted to being alcoholic and had no idea what to do. They have been excellent and said that if I dont want to drink then we can rejig things a little. So, we have hired a cottage in the highlands of scotland, got a boat and a fishing license and will spend four days doing that.
Its not fair for me to ask them not to drink so when they asked if I would be okay around booze I said `sure`. They are bringing about 10 bottles of scotch and ten cases of beer. i will be bringing about ten litres of diet coke...
In truth, I really expected to have relapsed by now so figured it didnt really matter. However I seem to have found a lasting formula and at last I am starting to feel the benefit of my sobriety.
I know I should just ditch the plan and protect my sobriety but I have lived like a recluse for months now, afraid to go to parties, afraid to socialise etc. At some point I need to test my sobriety otherwise whats the point right?
The trip is on 17th November. I will have 3 months and 2 weeks by then.
Has anybody here had such a sharp test at this stage and how have they got on? I have weathered a few storms but I have no idea whether this is going a nightmare for me or not. Just wanted to see if others have any experience I can draw on.
Thanks
I have something worrying me a bit too.
Each year I have a get together with three of my best friends. We all live in different parts of the country and we have met up anually for a decade now. Its extremely important to us and we have agreed that barring death or disease we will always make it.
The get togethers are highly booze fueled. Basically stag parties without a groom. We get T shirts printed and arrive in a different town each year selected via a daft voting system and then drink, talk and make merry. They are my closest friends (we have been best mates at each other weddings) and I cannot miss seeing them.
Now, I'm not crazy enough to put myself at such direct risk. When we were planning this years trip I told my fiends I had admitted to being alcoholic and had no idea what to do. They have been excellent and said that if I dont want to drink then we can rejig things a little. So, we have hired a cottage in the highlands of scotland, got a boat and a fishing license and will spend four days doing that.
Its not fair for me to ask them not to drink so when they asked if I would be okay around booze I said `sure`. They are bringing about 10 bottles of scotch and ten cases of beer. i will be bringing about ten litres of diet coke...
In truth, I really expected to have relapsed by now so figured it didnt really matter. However I seem to have found a lasting formula and at last I am starting to feel the benefit of my sobriety.
I know I should just ditch the plan and protect my sobriety but I have lived like a recluse for months now, afraid to go to parties, afraid to socialise etc. At some point I need to test my sobriety otherwise whats the point right?
The trip is on 17th November. I will have 3 months and 2 weeks by then.
Has anybody here had such a sharp test at this stage and how have they got on? I have weathered a few storms but I have no idea whether this is going a nightmare for me or not. Just wanted to see if others have any experience I can draw on.
Thanks
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