barb dwyer

of course you can ... Octo-mannn ...

I'm glad, hon. What did you wind up saying? Or did it even come up?

Octoman

Hi Barb!

I used your line - that I was on the wagon to help me though the early stages of quitting smoking. Nobody thought twice about it. Funny isnt it, as an alcoholic I am so obsessed with the idea of drinking that I asume that somebody who chooses not to drink when given the choice must be a fruitcake. No ordinary drinkers I dont think they even notice / care whether somebody else drinks. It was a useful lesson.

How are you doing today Barb?

barb dwyer

hi -

am ok, actually. made some big decisions about my ... involvement ... with my home group .. and it actually feels like the thing to do. I've been quite ill, and I'm feeling better today, as well. it's autumn over here in th rockies, and I noiced the first of fall color ... that always jazzes me up.

thanks for asking!

otw - I'm just sitting here on the clock, posting on a recovery thread ... LOL

barb dwyer

I like the idea of cloaking the non drinking thing with smoking.

isn't it odd how people just 'go along' like sheep ... as long as it's associate- able with whatever is fashionable?

tanyapmc

I am proud of you Octo! Keep hanging on. Sobriety Rocks!:Wshade

Octoman

Thanks Tanya & Barb

Had a better weekend this time than last week which was pure torture. Keeping really active was the key I think.

Feeling good for another week of sobriety though! Seem to have got through my rough patch for the time being.

Just need this awful mind fog to lift a bit though.


Hellooooo brain... Are you in there????? Hellooooooooooo. I need you...

Octoman

Sunny morning, foggy brain

My mind is on a little vacation at the moment. Never mind, feel good today and enjoying my sobriety. I'll take a little mind fog over the alternative any day.

Cathy31

Get to a meeting before you start feeling *too* good and think...let me just have one...we need to learn that we have a disease of both body and mind...our mind tells us this time it will be different, and our body reacts to alcohol with PHYSICAL CRAVING so one can never be enough...and it's not about willpower or strength of character, once you drink, as an alcoholic, you CANNOT control it...thank God I know this is true for me today...and through AA it reminds of where I was and where i COULD be (dead!) if I picked up again...
Good luck!
Cathy31
x

Octoman

Hi Cathy

Thanks for the advice. I have been considering attending AA a lot more recently. I went to a meeting when I first quit where I collected a copy of the Big Book and listened to the stories of others. I have in the back of my mind I will return if I find myself in danger of drinking again but right now I feel I am doing well by myself. I went through a terrrible spell about a week ago that made me question whether I needed more support but I seem to have come through it by a regime of exercise, spending as much time with my family as possible and of course keeping in touch here.

Right now I am feeling a bit better. I dont feel in danger of drinking for the first time in a little while and am finding that I am managing the strong cravings that hit me - particularly in the evenings - pretty well. Right now I have an `if it aint broke dont try to fix it mind set'

Besh wishes to you and your own recovery

Cathy31

Octo
That's SO great to hear!! What you're doing is working for you and *if* things change you're open to other options too...way to go!! Today I'm so grateful to be sober...it's a wonderful feeling and I"m very grateful. Keep us posted!!!

Cathy31
x

Rusty Zipper

octo.. just be on guard...

many have tried to out wit alcoholism...

as we say, its Cunning, Baffling, Powerful, Patient And Deadly...

octo, glad you know the rooms are available...

and your add'n up some clean time...

all good wishes octo...

xxoo, zip

barb dwyer

wazzup Octoman??? I musta missed something?

barb dwyer

oh. I see. your mind was on vacation.

did it have fun? send a postcard? bring ya a bottle of sand, even? Is it back yet? Did it mention running into MY mind while it was gone? I've been missing it for a while now

*ha!*

Octoman

Lol
It turned up wearing a sombrero with a straw donkey under its arm and a orange coloured sun tan this morning. It said it last saw your mind dozing away in a hammock in the afternoon sun.

I tried to hang on to it but its off on ints travels again. Nice that it pops in from time to time these days though

Dee74

as long as it didn't get stuck into the duty free, Octo

D

Octoman

Hi Dee!
I checked its breath and it had been behaving itself! Clearly been enjoying a few too many Big Macs though.

Dee74

LOL it's the fries that do it, Octo.....

D

barb dwyer

yea. *AS IF* those things were EVER potatos... LOL

well, Octoman ... at least my mind was seen. Someplace. It doesn't even send postcards from the edge any more.

Been thinking outside the box for so long - I don't remember where i left it.

Octoman

I'm not sure if I am going to be able to put this right but I wanted to tell you about something that happended today. I want to just explain it in simple terms without being melodramatic about it. I'm a bit disappointed with myself right now.

I was doing some work in my garden and had a friend over to help. We were concreting in some timber supports for an arch I am putting in (for climbing plants). Its a bit of a nasty job so I had lured my friend over with a few bottles of beer.

Figuring I would probably fancy a drink while working I picked up some alcohol free beers. So there we were, him drinking on his `real` beer and me on my `free` beer. I had been in the house. When I walked out I picked up a beer and was about to have a slug when I realised it was the real thing. As I stood there I just started thinking "why not? What would be the harm? Why shouldnt I have a beer with a mate when I had been working hard. Beer was one of the great pleasures of my life and now suddently I cant even sip a bud on a sunny afternoon. The sort of occasion for drinking a beer that I most enjoyed!!" In fact the thought stopped me dead. It seemed RIDICULOUS that I couldnt have a beer. I mean, what was I thinking? I almost laughed at the stupidity of the situation.

At that point everything I have done to stay dry this last 7 weeks seemed just plain stupid. Like a bad dream. As if a temporary madness had come over me. I couldnt fathom what I had been thinking to deny myself these simple pleasures. I mean this was what I was about afterall wasnt it? I'm a guy who always liked his beer and for some crazy reason I wasnt allowed one and it was ME that was doing it.

Bless my friend because when I said something along the lines of "You know what, F*** it I'm going to join you with a proper beer" his response was "The hell you wont!". He took his bottle from me and tipped it away. I dont think I have ever felt so angry so quickly. I mean I was incandescent with rage. I am not a voilent person. I have never in my life hit a person whether drunk or sober. But I could have thumped him there and then. I'm a pretty large guy and he said he had never seen me like that. He was genuinely uncomfortable about what I might do. Most of all I think I was humiliated.

The desire to drink was huge but the moment had passed and my anti-drinking mechanisms that I have been learning kicked in. But it was still like being thrown back to when I first quit. It was horrible to crave so stongly again to be honest, particularly when it came out of nowhere. I really think that momentary shock my friend gave me was what did it though. Gave a moment for my conscious mind to catch up with my alcoholic mind. I called him all the names under the sun and stomped off to sulk for a while. When I felt better I came back to the garden and we got on with the work - in silence for a while.....

In truth the whole thing took no more than 10 minutes. The feeling passed and I felt `normal` again. My mate didnt want another beer - Understandably. We just chucked them in the trunk of his car and got on with what we were doing. We were even able to laugh about it later- he and my sone chasing me round the garden with a hose playing soak the psycho (lovely!)

The truth is something has changed though. I felt I had been building increasingly tough barriers to alcohol. I though that with each passing week the barrier gets tougher and the chance of relapsing less. But I now feel that the barrier is paper thin. I am in danger of drinking at any point. I'm sure if I had that beer right now I would be sat in my garden working through a case. I certainly wouldnt have enjoyed the nice relaxed afternoon I had.

I think I had begun to take my sobriety for granted. Take risks with it. Play games like hanging around old drinking buddies doing what I always did but without the alcohol. i ignored one of my own pieces of advice. I gues I have learned but I dont feel too good about it. It shook me up a bit. I also realised I can still be a deeply selfish individual. The poor guy had come over to help me out and I act like a moron because I cant handle my beer. Its a miracle that he didnt walk off. We were best man at each others weddings so we are close and our wives are both good mates. I guess he ws protecting everyone by stopping me pick up again.

Anyway sorry for waffling on. Thats it really. It does help me to talk these things out so for anyone who has read this far thanks. The upside is that despite the wobbly approach I have arrived at day 50.

Dee74

Hey Octo
I hear ya. That voice is really powerful...it makes us forget the crap and takes us right back to the fun days....it's a pretty good salesman....

and let's face it no-one wants to be thought of as different....

but you made it...more by luck than design maybe...but it's got you thinking and that's good once we stop that we're doomed...

I try to find a balance...

I WILL NOT live in fear of this thing....but I give it a healthy respect...it's really cunning. And I always try to remember...it's never 'just one'. We're addicts.

D