Sunflower79

Dee74

Hope the day got better for you numblady

D

Numblady

NC, think your no rule for your bedroom is a good one. Hope it brings at least a little separation from the business.

Sunflower, thanks and yes! Let’s do coffee soon. We are leaving town very early Saturday a.m. and back Thursday. I’m hoping for some quiet at work but I almost try not to hope. As my friend with a newborn says when talking about thinking she might get some sleep, Hope is the enemy. Or maybe better said would be expectations regarding things you can’t predict or control are the enemy. But hope is the enemy sounds cooler.

Dee, thanks to you too.

And sorry to all for being in a kind of negative head space. i feel like there is bad mojo in the air somehow. Like not feeling like I’m resolving things or being effective at work, being annoyed with people, people annoyed with me probably, kids going crazy, can’t finish Christmas tasks or don’t feel good when I do like the stuff I pick is not good. Am utterly unprepared to leave town. Etc. I’m sure a lot of it is my attitude. And on that front I have to say being awakened at 4 a.m. by your kid does not really help.

Thanks for letting me whine. On a positive note was happy to go out with friends. Sure was cheap since I was not drinking! That was a bonus.

Well, have a great day folks! I’m going to try to do that myself.

PalmerSage

Hi all! So, when I was trying to fall asleep last night I started thinking about my habits recently - and they have been abysmal. At my best, I was drinking tons of water, eating and tracking healthy-ish foods, and exercising. Lately, sugar has been my main food group and I've been getting by with no water or exercise. I know, it's the holidays and some of that is to be expected, but I feel like the pendulum has swung way too far to the other side. So today, my plan is to be better, even if only marginally so.

Numblady, I hope you're feeling better! I can only imagine how the holidays are adding to your already significant stress, especially as it relates to work and family. You're my hero when it comes to self-care (especially getting up super early to exercise!) so hopefully you can at least make time for that.

Whoops, life is interrupting my posting time! Off to corral the crazy, I'll check in later!

Sunflower79

NewChapterJan18

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

Busy day yesterday, but got to go to the stables after work to spend time grooming and then had a riding lesson. Working on building up that bond and getting familiar with stable and horse management again! I was supposed to be attending my annual college Christmas get together, however all but one other person and I dropped out/cancelled - so it will just be myself and my friend meeting for a catch up now, which will still be nice, but less of a group get together! In other news, we will be attending a wedding on NYE this year and it's black tie (which is so NOT my usual style! haha) so I had nothing to wear, but also didn't really want to break the bank for a once off occasion. I went online and took a chance on a really cheap, floor length dress (30 dollars) and it arrived yesterday and I'm delighted that the gamble paid off! The fabric quality is naturally not the most luxurious, but it's not exactly awful either and the fit and style is perfect and it's black, so no one will really notice the quality one way or another. For 30 bucks, I'm pretty pleased!

@PS: I haven't really thought about what to do (if anything) to mark my one year milestone. I guess I've been so focused on just managing everything up to and through Christmas, January seems so distant right now - but of course it's not at all! I guess I'll probably take a few hours to go riding - this is something I could never have committed to if I were still drinking, and it brings me so much joy. It still makes me sad thinking of the wasted years spent partying, thinking I was so great keeping it all together when really I was totally floundering.

@NL: The extract you posted kind of hit me in the gut. I recognised so much of my old self in that monologue. The drunk party girl thinking I was so unique, so 'brilliant', so funny, so witty, so interesting - so different from all the boring, normal people. When in reality, I was using alcohol to desperately mask my insecurities and sinking deeper into a world of pain borne of the growing chasm of dissonance between the person I became when drinking, of who I was pretending to be and slowly becoming, and the person, the good person, I really hoped to be underneath it all. I hope you're keeping your head up through the funk and feeling better. Please don't ever apologise for coming to post here when you're in a negative headspace. Those are the times we need to support each other the most, and I know I've been so grateful to you all for encouraging me through similar spells. We gotchu!

@Sunflower: Lovely to hear you are soaking up the festive spirit. Did you manage to get your husband's present in the end?

Thinking of our more silent comrades also - please pop by even just for a drive by if you can!

scottynz

Hi everyone,

Sydney was amazing. It was hard to leave my son, not the leaving part, more the fear something would happen and I would not get back. It wasn’t that I saw that as a big risk, but I am lucky that I generally am not an anxious person so this was an eye opener for me to experience it first hand. My son has terrible anxiety so it gavecme insight into his world and how hard it is.

Once we arrived it dropped away and I enjoyed my first grown up weekend away in 17 years. I got to eat where I want, visit noisy crowded places, walk and take my time looking at things that interested me and see ‘the book of Mormon’ which was definitely not a show for my son!

Congrats on one year, that is such a huge achievement.


Must run, child needs Mum uber

PalmerSage

Hi all! Well, I followed my plan to be only marginally better with my eating habits yesterday, actually drinking water instead of diet soda (ugh, terrible habit). Of course, the Christmas cookies were my undoing as usual, but at least I didn't feel completely out of control - and it was pouring rain, but I did manage some light exercise anyway. I'm going into the office this morning, which I'm hoping will be deserted so I can get stuff done and then get out. I should definitely visit my parents, and check in with them about Christmas plans, which are still evolving because we're so used to just hosting everyone all the time.

Numblady, despite my excitement about reaching a sober milestone, I have definitely been in a funk too, as you describe it, "bad mojo somehow." And thanks for the book review, I haven't gone back to read it but maybe tonight will be the night!

NewChapter, that dress sounds perfect (black tie can be daunting, except for men where it's pretty straightforward - as usual!) I hope you have a nice time with your friend and you're able to relax a little bit over the holidays.

Scotty, it sounds like your trip was absolutely perfect, and hopefully the first of many more!

Sunflower, you're absolutely right about incremental change vs. a complete overhaul. That's something I need to constantly remind myself about, maybe some leftover alcoholic thinking.

Hi to Dee, and I hope Chase checks in soon, even if just for a drive-by!

Sunflower79

Numblady

Hellooooo! Just wanted to say number one my heart was filled with happiness to see all the posts I missed in just over a day or so. I also teared up a little reading all of your kind words about it being okay to come here when I’m in a negative place mentally. I feel like so much of what I do is come here and whine about my job and my kids, it really does swell my heart that you are all so supportive about it. Have more to say but not the time to say it right now. Similarly to PS I’m going to get into work and hope it’s dead so I can plow through stuff and then get out early enough to furiously prep for our trip super early tomorrow. This is the least prepared I or we have ever been so it’s feeling extra chaotic all around. I’m hopeful I can post before we leave but if not it will be later tomorrow from the mountains of TN. At least, I think they are mountains. My geography as well as topography are rather subpar.

Love and good mojo to you and us all!

NewChapterJan18

@Scotty: I am SO happy to hear that your Sydney trip was everything you had hoped for and deserve!

@PS: Well done on eating and channeling the will to exercise! Christmas cookies or no, it sounds like you balanced yourself and indulged only in moderation, which as far as I'm concerned is a huge win at any time, doubly so at Christmas with so much temptation and endorsement to go "off the rails". I've also been doing much better on the moderation front and as both you and Sunflower have wisely noted, incremental change is lasting change - every time I have crashed and burned in the past has been down to trying to take on too much, too fast and running out of will, motivation and commitment as a result! I also hear you bigtime on the diet soda front - my biggest vice! Have stopped keeping it in the house as I cannot control myself otherwise! Now I try only to have it with my lunch.

@Sunflower: I am a leggings/jeans girl all the way!!

@NL: You contribute so much here and I know that I thoroughly enjoy your posts and value your encouragement and insight. The downs are as much of this journey as the ups (if not moreso) and I think that by sharing both here, it lets each of us know we are not alone in those feelings and 'down' days. Best of luck packing/preparing for your trip - have a safe journey!!

PalmerSage

Hi all! I had a good night's sleep last night, so now I'm pounding my coffee and trying to get myself psyched up to do all the festive things! Luckily, I don't have to work today, so I can have some kind of balance among all the shopping, wrapping, baking, planning, driving, laundry and hopefully - exercise! I feel really lucky that I don't have to add traveling to that list, because that is a whole other level of preparation and stress, both before and during the holiday. Thinking of you, NL!

Off to get started, but I hope everyone has a good day, or at least one that's not too crazy! The most wonderful time of the year...

NewChapterJan18

Numblady

Good morning! Made it safely to TN yesterday. Honestly the travel was fairly uneventful, thank goodness. We just had to get up crazy early so we were all really tired. I took a nap and basically woke in a puddle of drool kind of tired. I also went to bed super early. Unfortunately I woke up around 4 our time so I’m just going to try and make the best of it and spend some time posting with you guys and then working out. Gonna try a new random stranger on the Internet today and do a longer video. After we napped yesterday my husband, his stepfather and I went to a local beer joint. I had a delicious kombucha, and it was really nice to get a break from the kids, though I kind of want a break from my husband too, honestly. I don’t think he realizes that his insistence on doing the things he needs to do means he’s unavailable for kid stuff, which means the kid stuff is way too often my stuff. Which wears me out. They almost don’t even ask him for stuff because they know I”m listening and will respond. At least, they don’t when both of us are around. Thankfully my daughter worships my MIL and my son worships her husband so that takes off some of the burden. But for some reason I’m the tech support, the getter of things, the complaints department (open 24/7 against my will). Alas. Need to work on shifting my focus. We are here in this nice house, warm and safe with a beautiful almost full moon getting ready to celebrate a nice holiday. And I am not working so that is huge. I should focus on that.

Scotty, I am really so glad you took the weekend for yourself and got out of the comfort zone to go to Sydney. I can’t imagine going 17 years without a grownup weekend. You are really an amazing person. Plus you always seem to be looking for ways to understand your son versus ways to complain like I do. I’m glad you are coming back to the site periodically. Just really value your perspective. Helps me try to strive to be a better parent!

NC, riding on your soberversary sounds like a wonderful idea, especially as it seems you are highly conscious of how different that is from what you would be doing if drinking. So glad the fancy dress gamble paid off as well! I’m thinking I’ll go to a NYE party. It is such a weird thought. Last NYE kind of kicked off where I am today. I got quite drunk. It was a happy cute drunk and I had an amazing time with my husband and then I got home and my parents were still awake for some weird reason and we all talked until 2 or so. My dad specifically commented that he didn’t want to exactly say that he was glad I got drunk but it was nice to see me actually relax. That has always stuck with me because it’s been hard to stay quit when people I care about around me not only didn’t think I had a problem but some of them (and the voice in my head) viewed it as the way to relax. Of course it comes down to the fact that we are all alone with our thoughts in the wee small hours of the morning, having to decide if we are living right or not. But still, for whatever reason that has always repeated in my mind. I do kind of like to think of it as a pretty good way to go out, though the real impetus came the next day. I wasn’t too hungover but we hosted our NYD party and that night I ended up drunk again and in a fight with my husband with company over. And it just all felt so sordid and tawdry. I stoppped for a day. And then another day. And you all kind of know the rest.

PS, super glad you got a good night sleep! How was yesterday? I checked out a sample of a Betty Ford biography but the writing in the one I picked is horrible. I later picked out and bought a new book I’m excited to read called Educated. I have no real idea what it’s about but it appears to have won a bunch of awards. I’m several chapters in and it’s really good. I also realized I can download magazines in the Kindle app. For free! It was fun to have both things available on the plane ride. I felt like a real grownup in between trying to keep my kids from passing gas and fighting.

Sunflower hope you are feeling better and continuing to enjoy some quiet time.

Chase, you out there? Thinking of you and all the others.

More later.

PalmerSage

Hi all! Checking in with another sugar hangover, but at least I got a lot done yesterday. My kids have a party this afternoon (together, which never happens) so hopefully I'll be able to squeeze some shopping in. My husband is really pushing for us to go to a concert tonight, which I don't want to do, but do like that he sometimes pushes us to do more than I would, and it usually turns out to be pretty fun. On the other hand, it's 2 days before Christmas and we're not ready, so I do agree with myself that we should probably focus on that.

More later!

PalmerSage

Hi all! Happy Christmas Eve...as usual, my procrastination has caught up with me and I'm entering full-on panic mode. Last minute shopping, wrapping, baking, cooking, and every year I swear next year will be different! One of the things I plan to focus on in the new year is having more organization and structure, planning ahead when I can, so I'm not always in such a rush during crunch time. I feel like I've taken my anti-perfectionism philosophy a little too far, and as with other things, time for the pendulum to move a little closer to the middle.

I hope everyone else is doing well, and not going too crazy! Ho, ho, ho!

NewChapterJan18

Numblady

Hi PS! I am kind of telling myself the same thing. It’s like I spent too much money, am still unsatisfied with what I got, worry my kids won’t be happy, blah blah blah. I have been reading the Holiday Survival Guide in Newcomer’s and saw some really good info. It helped me get a little more positive yesterday...for about four minutes until my kids woke up — ha! But seriously read one thing (a list of 100 things the author of the Fix had learned in 10 years of sobriety) and one was that worrying is when we are trying to control a situation. That hit me hard as that is the definition of me. Worrying and fretting and trying to anticipate. I’m not really sure how to stop but maybe I can at least start by noticing when I’m doing it. Another thing that really resonated with me was saying no even when it really feels like you shouldn’t. I have always twisted my thinking in terms of sure it’s easy for others to say no but much harder for me (terminal uniqueness, another downfall of the alcoholic) but it’s hard for everyone. I just happen to especially suck at setting boundaries. Anyhow I’m just kind of rambling but I bookmarked the thread so I could go back to it and read the other 70 or so things.

Well, come back everybody!

BTLover

Merry Christmas everyone need to focus on getting sober again in the new year.