PalmerSage

Hi all, checking in late today because I just could not get my mind straight to post this morning! Too much to do and think about...the usual. Good news: I started my Christmas shopping, finally! The bad news: I totally screwed up my schedule for this week with my husband traveling, agreeing to early meetings when I don't have anyone to drive my kids to the bus and school, so I'm left to panic and ask for help and make excuses at the last minute. Speaking of which, I have to run for the afternoon pickups and dealing with the contractors, but I'll be back later!

Numblady

Numblady

Me again!

NC, a more thorough catch up to your thorough catch up (which I LOVED by the way, and I am glad you find beneficial to yourself as well as it’s so nice to come here and read your words)...huge CONGRATS on the deal closing and on hitting 11 months tomorrow. May you be able to mark the occasion with something other than screaming fighting children . I think you are quite wise about my employee. She didn’t really have a concrete plan but didn’t want an option to be foreclosed and, being sympathetic to her position, has been (and continues to be a go-to) for me and everyone else. (Although I’ve also since learned our primary client does not feel she concerns herself with their business or struggles and are not a fan so that’s a whole other issue!). I agree on the importance of coming here. I haven’t ever really stopped but I find it so helpful to have a connection with you all (kind of sadly I think this is also because I don’t have time for a social life and I can “talk” to you all whenever I get ten minutes) but also to read other posts of the struggles people are having or of the gains people have made in their lives after years of sobriety. Definitely think these forums have got and kept probably thousands of people sober. I can’t thank the creators and mods enough.

PS, way to go on the shopping! I’ve got a parent’s night out lined up for my kiddos so I can do some. Mostly for the family a group of us adopted but hopefully I can sneak in some other stuff, too. My husband’s going out and basically trying to go to 12 bars in a row or some stupid crap like that. So needless to say I am unimpressed.

But tomorrow is sounding pretty good. We are going as a family to a memorial walk for my friend who died a little less than a year ago. I can’t remember how enmeshed I was in the group by then. But needless to say I’m just happy we are going and honoring her memory and donating to ALS. Then maybe a bit more shopping and after that friends come over to wrap gifts for the adopted family. Snacks, drinks for the drinkers and sodas for me and the kids . It may be one of those things that sounds fun and Norman Rockwell like but will really be kids traipsing through the house dragging clumps of mud. Lots of screaming. And few gifts get wrapped. But I’ll try to enjoy the good aspects anyway. Sunday hopefully some yoga and week prep, then I go to Book Club Christmas party. I have a sitter so my husband can take my daughter to the Nutcracker at the same time.

Have been thinking about how different this would all be if I were drinking. I doubt I would be shopping on a Friday night, that’s for sure. I would have orchestrated my life around a work happy hour that I’m skipping instead.

Well, hope everyone has a good day! I may be back later tonight. Otherwise tomorrow.

PalmerSage

Hi all! Busy morning work-wise and then I may be able to grab some time to see my parents and do some shopping (what I really need is a nap, I'm super foggy and congested, although as we keep saying...at least I'm not hungover!)

As I was driving my kids around to activities last night (this one was 30 minutes each way, so I'm glad it's the last session) I was listening to the Bubble Hour podcast. It's only the second time I've listened, the first one didn't grab me, maybe because the person who was talking kind of seemed to be in denial...like "I'm not really an alcoholic, I just thought I would be my best self if I wasn't drinking!" I kind of see her point, in the sense that labels don't really matter as long as the end result is the same, but I also like to call things what they are and I don't necessarily like it when I get a vibe of "I'm not an alcoholic like THOSE people." Anyway, this episode was a little better because it was about Betty Ford, which made me want to read the biography about her life. I haven't read a book in so long, and I really do love to read.

OK, sorry to run before responding to you guys! I'll check in later, both of my kids have friends sleeping over tonight but hopefully I'll find some downtime. Have a great day, everyone!

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

An OK day here. One of our clients has been acting quite difficult of late and the saga continues today with a flurry of emails mixed between pedantic, nonsensical and unreasonable. It's not stressing me out as it used to, more just irritating/frustrating at this point.

On a positive note, I took my lunch break today and went to the stables to spend time with the horse I am leasing. It is so nice to get out of the office and away from the cacophony of work issues and pressures and just spend time with the horses and get out of my head, even if only for a short time! I didn't have enough time to ride, but I enjoyed just grooming and starting the bonding process as we get to know each other.

Tomorrow I have a riding lesson in the morning and then I'll be going up to my parents for the night to go for a festive meal with my mom and some girlfriends, so should be a nice weekend. I have spent the last couple weekends working to try and clear back log and meet deadlines, so it will be nice to have a free weekend to just relax before next week, as it will be a little crazy due to having only skeleton staff in the office as people will be on holidays and trying to wrap up some priority items ahead of Christmas and New Year.

@PS: Yay for Christmas shopping! I have most of mine done now (all online!) so hoping everything just arrives in time and as expected now. I'm sorry to hear about the scheduling mishap, I know how stressful it is when things go awry in that department. At least you're making time to listen to some interesting podcasts as you're driving around - making the most of a hectic situation! I hope the sleepovers go well and without any drama.

@NL: Thank you for your post - I love reading yours and the others posts here too. As you said, I don't have much time for a social life either these days, and at that most of my friends are super busy also, so even if I wanted to meet for coffee, they barely have the time either. It's so nice to have this group to come to and just talk about the day or week, listen to others and generally just support, vent, encourage and celebrate together along the way. I hope you enjoy the memorial group walk tomorrow, what a lovely way to honour your friend's memory. I'm sure the snacking and wrapping will be fun - just take the chaos in stride and as you say, try to just enjoy the fun parts!

Hi to @Dee, @Chase, @Sunflower, @BTLover.

Numblady

Good morning! As usual here I am trying to motivate myself to work out, drinking my coffee and stopping in here to help myself wake up. I don’t know why working out has become so much more difficult to fit in of late. I’m always busy so it’s regularly a factor of motivation and irregular sleep. Meh.

Palmer, maybe I should check out the Bubble Hour. It’s funny you say that about that lady because if I ever do get to post in Stories of Recovery I definitely think the question of labels not really mattering will feature prominently into it—but hopefully I won’t come off sounding like I was in denial of the problem, or wanting to distance myself from alcoholism. Because that is annoying. I need another podcast. Since the hosts of the one I loved stopped being partners and had an apparent falling out I just couldn’t listen to it anymore, like I knew the bad end was going to come so somehow that made the journey not appealing to listen to. I’ve also tried to find Betty Ford’s biography with no success on Kindle or public library. I should try again. Really need reading material and as you know I love me a recovery memoir.

On a kind of related note I did read an article about people videoing others’ overdoses and posting them on YouTube and the like. Between what I do for a living and knowing some of the terrible things kids have to suffer when parents are ensnared in addiction and reading this article about a mom ODing in a Dollar Store while someone filmed and her two year old daughter screamed and cried over her in the aisle (and no one helped her daughter), or parents passed out with crying babies strapped in their car seats, I just got extremely sad. Got to think of more ways to help out in the world. Am so grateful I am a parent my kids will be able to count on if they need a ride or their friends do, or if they want to have a normal life and not be totally ashamed. IDK. I’ve had to stop obsessing about it but I wish there was more I could do to help kids who are impacted by their parents’ addictions. I wish I could just teleport into walls and shield people, little kids especially, from pain. Anyhow it’s a really gripping article (or was to me) and I can find the link if needed.

NC, glad you are getting a work-free weekend. Our office actually is undergoing construction and they are closing the building, prohibiting employees from going in, and shutting off some of the systems that allow us to work remotely. I took it as a cosmic sign. Of course I actually do need to work so I’m going to have to figure out some way to get around what would otherwise be a lovely sign from the universe to not work.

Last night I did go shopping while my kids were at a Parents Night Out and my husband was out drinking (eww. He slept downstairs and just going near the room you can smell the toxic alcohol fumes from his breath...I’m so glad that is not my life anymore). It’s pretty dead on Friday nights. I didn’t really have the right energy level at the end of the week to go conquer the world, and I wasn’t organized enough so I ended up buying stupid stuff for my kids and spending money on crap, but I did get some really nice stuff for the adopted family and was happy to be out driving totally sober and hitting the stores while others were pounding drinks around town.

Hmm, have i put off working out long enough? I still don’t want to. Ugh.

Have a great day everyone!

PalmerSage

Hi all! Checking in late after a couple of pretty exhausting days, very festive and fun, but not relaxing. I had a dream last night where I found myself resigned to the idea of relapse - as though it was totally inevitable, and I had no control whatsoever. Tonight, alcohol seemed to be everywhere, I wasn't necessarily tempted but I was aware. But now that I think about it, I think a cold Sprite Zero would have been amazing, so I may have just been really thirsty?

Tomorrow will be more of the same, but I plan to take some time to organize myself for the upcoming week as best I can. I cleaned up the house a bit the other day, and afterwards I honestly felt like a new person who could actually function instead of constantly moving among various messes and stacks of boxes.

Sorry I haven't been good about responding, but part of my plan for tomorrow is to refocus on my recovery, and obviously this is the most important part. I hope everyone has a great night.

Numblady

PS glad you stopped through. Look forward to hearing more later. Speaking of dreams mine were I guess revealing of my mental state somehow. I was having to answer to our second in command about something that did not go in our favor and telling him how I begged people to help me but they wouldn’t so we ended up where we are. Then I had a dream I went with a group to some kind of nudist dinner. It was mortifying enough but then there was a follow up dream where just I went without clothes. I actually can’t tell if this is about my mental state or physical state because I remember being cold in the dream, which could mean I just kicked my blankets off. And I couldn’t find a clothing store, etc. etc. Mortifying. I don’t even like to be without clothes by myself let alone out in the world —in a taxi no less! Sheesh.

We had a nice day yesterday too. I did get a couple more presents, and I got a nap (bonus!). Then friends came over and we wrapped presents for the adopted family. I put out snacks, then we all just hung out. Thankfully I had zero desire to be drinking, though I’m sure that’s what it would have been in years past. Just a facade to lend legitimate cover to boozing through the afternoon and evening. I got to really listen to people and the kids were all pretty well behaved so I actually got to talk to the grown-ups, which was cool. I’m stil not sure when I’m fitting work in today. I”m going back and forth between surrendering to the fact that I can’t know everything and wanting to cram for this big phone call tomorrow. I”m afraid we stuck our necks out for something and we’re going to look kind fo foolish because we werent’ getting the best information to inform our sticking our necks out (our agency begged for help from another agency but it’s not as compelling a case as we thought...because I relied on info from others...which makes me worry about relying on other people versus knowing everything myself). And underneath it all is fear that people I sort of like won’t like me and they’ll think I’m foolish. That is what I need to get over most. I don’t even exactly like them. I just want them to like ME. I don’t want to have made a mistake in their eyes. I need to work on letting that part go. What we did was genuinely motivated and if it was wrong, it was wrong and that’s the end of it. I have to figure out a way to not take it personally. Except it’s only quasi personally. Part of it is that I genuinely need to have credibility with these people for my job. If they don’t trust that I’m giving them good information it’s an issue. Sigh.

I’m also going to book club Christmas party again. I remember being there and feeling so maddened that I couldn’t drink the way I wanted to, but still getting kind of buzzed to the point I was wondering a bit if I was seeming overbearing and/or slurring. I think. It’s been a year so not totally sure. Will be nice to not be thinking about the booze, or at least not thinking about how to pound it around people without them actually noticing.

Numblady

Waaaaaaaah. Miss you guys. Just saying hello. Trying to wake up and work out again. Hope you’re all well and Monday isn’t too Monday-y for you.

PalmerSage

Hi all! Ugh, kind of a case of the Mondays already. There's a lot to wrap up before the holidays, so I have meetings stacked up and social crap on top of it, plus whatever shopping I can squeeze in, but hey - that's the joy of the season! I ate a ton of crap over the weekend, and I'm sure I'm going to continue it tonight with another restaurant dinner...still trying to stay balanced in my mindset without going completely off the rails eating-wise. I haven't exercised at all, so there's that too.

On the plus side, tomorrow is my one year sober anniversary, which seemed very slow in coming but also, kind of sneaked up on me if that makes any sense? Like in my mind, I was "almost one year sober" for a while, but the date is suddenly here and I feel like I should celebrate somehow (no one IRL knows about my sobriety except my husband). Almost exactly a year ago, I received an award and got my photo taken, and tomorrow, we're getting another one taken because one of the top executives in our organization is retiring and some of us were part of a masters program he was really involved with. It will be fun to compare the physical differences, even though I've spent a lot of time thinking about the inner transformation as well as all the life changes around me. More on that later.

Numblady, wrapping gifts for the adopted family seems like a lovely time, and I totally understand how you might have used such an event as a cover for day-drinking (turning into evening and night drinking!) in the past. I've been reading your posts and thinking a lot about them, so hopefully I'll get my act together and respond properly!

Hi to NewChapter, Scotty, Dee...and where in the world are Chase and Sunflower? I hope everyone has a great day today.

Sunflower79

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

I had a truly wonderful weekend away from work. It was so refreshing to have a break from the constant weight of stress and anxiety. I did not check my email once!! I went riding on Saturday morning, then had a nice lunch with hubby before driving up to my parents and going for a lovely meal that night with some girl friends. the next day I spent time with family and visited a friend to see her little girl. I think getting away from home actually helped to disconnect my brain from work, and also being apart from hubby for a while was really helpful too, as we usually just wind up talking about work all weekend. Back into the office today tackling drama etc., but feeling much more balanced and much better able to cope after the weekend! It was interesting at the meal on Saturday, only one of seven had any alcohol. The evening was all the more enjoyable for it and we got to really catch up and be present, rather than writing off the evening to drunken conversation and memory loss.

@Sunflower: Your post made me smile. I love that you made some time for self care and your Christmas plans sound just lovely.

@Palmer: I'm sorry that your Monday is going so, well, Monday-y! I think the photo is quite poetic when you think about it - the difference a year makes. Early Congratulations on hitting one year. No small feat and I absolutely think you should do something to celebrate, even if that means taking an hour to yourself to walk the dogs or just have some 'me time' amidst all the planning and rushing around. Try to be kind to yourself re: food and exercise, if you ever deserve a break on that front, it's the holiday season! I had take out Pizza for dinner last night after big restaurant meal Saturday, if that helps! I think by just approaching with a balanced mindset as you say and not going totally crazy, is the best we can do at this time of year.

@NL: Your wrapping party sounds lovely! How nice that you could enjoy the day rather than being preoccupied with drinking and all that entails. I'm sorry about the work situation and the imperfect information, I can imagine how frustrating that must be. I have started coming around to the idea that we can only make the best decision based on the information available to us at the time, and that we can't berate ourselves retroactively with information and knowledge learned or received after the fact. It's much easier said than done, but I've tried to gently remind myself of that when my perfectionist streak starts gnawing at me (always!!) and making me feel stupid or guilty about a not-so-perfect action or decision in hindsight. Enjoy book Club Christmas Party!

Dee74

Congratulations on one year PalmerSage!

Numblady

Hopefully more tomorrow but for now congrats Palmer!!! Our first member to hit a year! I”m so happy for you!

NewChapterJan18

PalmerSage

Hi all! Thank you so much for the congrats, I really appreciate it! It IS kind of crazy to think that we are hitting our year milestones, I guess I thought I would feel different, but much like aging, it just becomes another day. If anything, I guess I'm feeling more reflective. It was kind of surreal because I had a holiday breakfast this morning, with a gift exchange, and there was a lot of alcohol (especially since we are a government agency!) I did have a quick thought that I could have a hot chocolate with liquor, but the thought passed and I realized, that's not even something I did while drinking anyway! Sipping cocktails in civility was never my style, and when I think about how I DID drink...often quickly, miserably, and desperately...I have no desire to return to that horror show. Sobriety has simply become my new normal, but I'm aware that I need to work hard to keep it that way. Now, onto year 2, which I may give some thought to as soon as I make it through these damn holidays, hopefully in one piece. Edit to add: People were giving alcohol as gifts, not drinking at breakfast!

NewChapter, I love your idea of not allowing work in your bedroom, that's a great idea, and leasing a horse sounds like an amazing experience!

Sunflower, you sound peaceful and happy, and I need to know how you were able to slip out of Christmas dinner with your ILs? I love mine, but I would much prefer some alone time in the middle of Christmas chaos.

Numblady, I just bought Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety, have you read it? I read a sample and it seemed like it could be pretty good. I also want to find something non-recovery related, I read another sample of a book about Jackie Kennedy and Lee Radziwill that I may get?

I'll check in later...have a great day, everyone!

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

Got to the gym yesterday which was great, but no stables as they were closed for the day! Will call up this evening instead. I'll be taking a few days of over the Christmas period next week, so I am really counting down the days looking forward to the break.

@PS: So weird to believe we are starting to talk about 'Year 2' - a part of me never thought I would ever get this far. Looking forward to joining you in the Year Two Club!

Hi to all! @Chase thinking of you and family and hope you check in soon!

PalmerSage

Hi all! Well, I tried going to bed early last night but it took me forever to go to sleep, and then I woke up frequently throughout the night. I think I really need to take a look at my daily habits again, especially my caffeine intake in the late afternoon/evening. It's such a vicious cycle, because I'm tired/need caffeine/stay awake/tired/need more caffeine! I also need to look at the things I read right before bed, a good book or SR is so much better than social media. In better news, I did actually walk yesterday, which I've kind of been too lazy to do.

Speaking of lazy, Christmas is 6 days away and I'm not ready at all, but one of the benefits of sobriety is that I kind of know it will all work out in the end, and the only way I can make it better is to use my time wisely. I'm about to make up gift packages for the bus drivers, but I think I may scrap my plans to do anything for my co-workers.

NewChapter, I'm really happy that you're planning to take a few days off for Christmas, have you given any thought to how you might mark your one-year milestone? It would be so nice to have the day off of work to just relax and reflect a bit, maybe some horseback riding and guilt-free eating.

Hi to Numblady, Chase, Dee, and Sunflower! I hope everyone has a happy and productive day.

Sunflower79

Numblady

Hi there.

PS, Congrats again!! I have read it. I didn’t remember it but I went and checked in the old kindle library. Found the first quote I had highlighted:

“Often when I met other people in sobriety, I found myself recognizing their stories, their struggles, their hilariously flawed thinking—like how it’s not drinking alone if you have a pet. And for a long time that actually made me feel worse. I wasn’t unique anymore. I wasn’t in Neverland anymore, laughing at the rest of the world with Jack and Tessa. I was out in that place called “the rest of the world” and seeing my past more clearly. It wasn’t so sparkly and cool to me anymore; it was bloated and wan, irresponsible and entitled, catty and snarky, all talk and no action. Not only wasn’t I unique, I wasn’t sure I was even a good person. “

I don’t recall it being my favorite. That would probably be Lit or Drinking: A Love Story. But it was pretty good. Funny that that quote would be the first to come up. I remember thinking yesterday how sobriety has made me feel a lot more ordinary. Not extra funny or witty or different. Just a flawed person like everyone else doing her best to not to make peoples’ lives worse.

Some days are better than others. Today I’m still in the funk that kept me from posting last night. I don’t know if it’s being close to school break but my kids are like off the rails right now. And it’s extremely unpleasant most of the time. Constant screaming and fighting and meltdowns. It’s hard to not react, and when you spend all your mental energy trying to perform like a robot so you don’t scream and hurl a plate across the kitchen, then pound a glass of wine, a bottle of wine, it’s just hard to feel very human. Of course I did not drink but the difficulty of weathering the storm with two intense kids was why being anesthetize was so appealing so often. Of course there were other reasons but just trying to add a pleasant sheen to an evening of people pooping all over (when they were younger), the screaming oh the screaming, the difficulty of a spouse who kept saying he didn’t want kids when the times got tough (he doesn’t say this anymore...it’s just part of what helped me sink into the abyss). Good thing there’s nothing going on at work or for the holidays, ha!

Anyhow sorry for the crap attitude. It’s much better than it was last night. Gonna do some yoga and hope today is a better day. I’m going out this evening with work friends so I’m really excited about that. Hoping work doesn’t ruin it.

NC and others I will catch up with you later! Have a great day!