courage2

^^ the above, nonsense/excuses/alcoholism/truth.

Basically I'm too old to change everything like you did, Ready. I'm not leaving my marriage or job or even my neighborhood -- I don't want to, can't afford to. Within those parameters, I have to find my own serenity.

courage2

fwiw, i've accepted that I have to put this cycle behind me. and I've accepted that this is in some ways (for me) going to be as hard as the physical quit. I have to grow up!

ReadyAtLast

Gosh I don't think for a minute that people can or should give up their old lives and totally change like I did

Mine came about more gradually anyway . It wasn't a case of stopping drinking then moving and leaving my marriage. The move was happening anyway and everything just happened as a result of that really. Of course getting sober changed many things too.

But it's neither practical nor possible for most people to do that - many probably don't even want to anyway. As others say we can run all we like but we can never really run away from ourselves.

Yes plenty of sprng flowers courage Snowdrops dying away now though daffodils in full bloom and some rhododendrons blooming well (we get them very early) and magnolias too. It looks more beautiful every day.

Hols tomorrow so I wish you all well and will catch up when back

courage2

Despite the warm winter & early spring, I'm just seeing crocuses the last few days. No magnolias yet. I should go to the park and see if the forsythia are out -- they're a favorite of mine. Maybe this weekend I'll take a walk in the park!

gonzo4419

Hey all, just stopping by. Things are good, busy with lots of stuff, got about 30% of the yard whipped into shape so far. Just taking that slow. Getting ready for NHL playoffs even though my boys aren't in it. Not really much else going on, got out golfing a few times, had a nice birthday with the niece and nephews (got an 'I Love my Uncle' mug which rocks), yeah that's pretty well everything, the weeks are flying by here.

Hope everyone is getting out and enjoying spring.

courage2

Hey gonzo!

I <3 I Love Lucy -- actually I was just thinking about her the other day. And Desi. What a dreamboat! What a perfect woman!

It's been a chilly spring here but that keeps the flowers nice. I just got back from my annual conference which has been the source of so much anxiety for me every year around this time, drinking or sober. Not so bad this time around!

Things are good here at home, too -- except for a minor drip that's turned into a complete shower rebuild.

Dee74

Hi y'all

D

courage2

Hi, D! How are you?

I saw these flowers growing in my neighborhood today.

Leucojum

Dee74

Lovely flowers courage
I am fine

D

ReadyAtLast

I'm struggling. Last Friday I woke up wanting a drink. Badly. I was in a terrible mood. Not sure why exactly just feel everything is getting too much. I've put my house in England up for sale so had to give tenants notice back in January. Since then I've had to pay the mortgage (which obviously the rent I was receiving was covering before).

I knew this would be the case and don't really know when the house will sell so knew I would be under severe financial pressure but it's really beginning to hurt now. I had forgotten how dreadful it feels to be under severe financial pressure. I've just rebuilt my credit rating after some trouble a few years ago so cannot miss the mortgage payments. I have no other creditors so not as though I can make any payment arrangements.

anyway, been having some trouble at work too. Well not trouble more pressure. My boss who I get on well with has told me he has feelings for me. Crazy considering he is a married man and I am happy with my new man. I can deal with him, I don't feel harrassed in any way it's more feeling sorry for him.

Also having problems with ex Mr RAL not seeing Jr RAL and hasn't given me any child maintenance for over 3 months. won't sign divorce papers and just being a bloody nuisance.

Feel like my life is slightly out of control and I am caving under the pressure.

New Mr RaL is very supportive and all good with Jr Ral. Yet I woke last Friday feeling like I wanted a drink to just numb it all away. I thought the feelings woudl ease as the day went on but it got worse. I smoked ( never drank when I smoked) I ate lots, I ate ice cream. Then new Mr RAL asked me to marry him ( slightly premature as still married to ex Mr RAL but WOW was over the moon. Anyway I went to shop to get champagne and I drank some. I can't believe it. First drink I've had in 3 years and 4 months. I feel so stupid and so ashamed. I can't believe it.Had a glass. Didn't enjoy it. It tasted horrible and did nothing for me but the fact remains I drank. Doesn't matter if it's champagne, beer, wine or meths. Alcohol is alcohol.

Now I'm thinking because it didn't affect me I'll be ok to drink and thoughts keep popping into my head. Not often just occasionally. I know it's not true. I know i'm in a very dangerous position and don't know what on earth to do. I'm not sat here craving or wanting a drink but scared to be in a position where alcohol is around whereas before I was at the stage where I could be with others drinking and it didn't bother me.

New Mr RAL told me not to drink it but I was adamant I was having some . Please tell me the last 3 years haven't been wasted .I know my life is only good and where it is at now precisely BECAUSE I stopped drinking. I cannot trust myself when drinking.I am crazy, mad, a mess, dangerous, unstable, an emotional wreck, anxious not to mention the physical bad effects. How easy it is to forget.

Sorry for self indulgent emotional post. Just devastated I've had a drink after so many years.

courage2

Aw Ready. I don't believe you've lost your sobriety.

You're human. Humans make mistakes. Just don't make the mistake twice. Alcohol has no power over you that you don't give it, but if you give it power it will take everything.

You have a lot on your plate but I've known you 3 years & 4 months & you're perfectly capable of handling all of it soberly & gracefully. Have faith in yourself!

ReadyAtLast

Thank you so much courage. Coming here was definitely the right thing to do, even though it's taken me a week almost.xx

Jr RAL was with his father all weekend so he didn't see it. I never want him to see me drinking or the after effects.ever.

ReadyAtLast

Just checking in to say hello. 1 week sober today.

courage2

Good to see you, RAL! How are you feeling?

gonzo4419

Sorry things are getting to you Ready. It's a slip, it's very common. In a way you almost have to have 1, you stop and go for years without one and start thinking you are totally in the clear. Now you know you aren't and that's a good thing. I was a fish until 25, stopped cold for 5 years. Went to Oz with some friends when I hit 30, said no problem, I'll just drink while on vacation here and stop once back. Yeah, never stopped once back for the better part of a decade. Your brain is never going to fully forget that consuming alcohol releases dopamine, so try not to give it any reminders is the best.

Dee74

I appreciate what you're saying Gonzo, and why you're saying it now, but
I'd disagree with the idea that a relapse is necessary for us to stay sober.

I've been 'sick' and I've been 'well'...part of me being well is about being self aware - knowing when I'm getting sick and doing something about it.

D

ReadyAtLast

Thanks Gonzo.

It is scary to drink after so long. I genuinely thought I'd never drink again. And then I did. It's shocked me. But as people say, what matters is what I do from now on.

I'm ok thanks courage. Even though I drank I'm not back in the habit like last time when it consumed my every thought and everything I did was associated with drinking. It was breaking habits and forming new ones that was so difficult. Nothing in my life is associated with drinking now which makes it a little easier NOT to drink. If that makes sense. Not that I'm taking it at all lightly.

how are you?

courage2

There are very few people out there who decide to quit drinking, quit, and never pick up again at all. I think it's important for anyone who picks up to recognize that there's nothing to be ashamed of and a good sober life can go on & get even better. Lessons learned.

I'm gradually getting better. I can kind of taste things today, though I can't smell anything. Which is weird -- I just cleaned something with straight bleach, and for all I knew, it might have been water.

It's probably the flu making me maudlin, but I'm feeling very saddened by so much humanity wasted by addiction. For decades I attached myself to alcohol and drugs -- even when I wasn't using much, the idea of them -- to get away from reality and myself. In retrospect, binding yourself with material substances is not much of an escape plan.

I like your new signature lyric, Gonzo.

ReadyAtLast

It is scary isn't it to see how much people waste their lives - how we have wasted so much of our lives.

Hope the flu is leaving you courage. have you been up to anything this weekend? I was busy yesterday and the day flew by. Slept badly last night and woke today feeling terrible. Full of a cold and cough and just generally tired. had a lazy day on sofa and now feel bad as wasted the whole day. hopefully will feel better after a sleep.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend. Counting down to holidays again!! 10 weeks Tuesday taking the boy back to the Canary islands. Just the 2 of us.

how long till your trip to Mexico Tam?did you get your passports through? Hope all is well with you and your family.

courage2

Hey Ready! I have ventured outside both days this weekend -- I went w/husband to a little island in the East River where there were cherry trees in bloom & we ate sandwiches on a bench & looked at the water and the skyline. It was good. I collapsed afterwards though. I'm super-tired all the time!

You don't have to respond, but I'm wondering what you think you were doing with that glass of champagne. I'd like to know, but I understand if you don't want to talk about it.