courage2

Hi! I just re-read your post, Alice. What I'm wondering, do you think you're an alcoholic? Or maybe, how would you describe yourself as a drinker?

Just curious. About any of us, actually.

Tamerua

courage2

Hey Tam! It's so good to see you! Go Zumba! I'm good except I'm late to an appallingly early meeting. 5 years and 3 days sober today.

December 2012 was the start of something great -- not easy, great. Worth it. Keep up the fight

Dee74

Hey Tam

hey Torrii/Alice dd you PM Anna about your name?

D

Torii

Hi guys, sorry for the long absence.

I've had a bit of a tumble, I guess. I drank to celebrate losing 5kg (cause I thought I would celebrate with a big calorie binge). That was a Friday. On the Saturday I got into a fight with my husband - which is very very rare for us. I used it as an excuse to stay at my friend's house and drink that Saturday.

I ended up drinking on Monday, tuesday, Thursday and tonight, Friday.

It's really scary how quickly the old habits kick in, after basically being sober for a month.

Am I an Alcoholic, courage? I think on paper I am. I can't start without stopping. I am crafty in hiding my drinking and go to pretty elaborate means to hide it from my husband. Am I a slave to alcohol? On paper, yes. The trouble with my brain, is that I also think I can handle it. I think I can be that special one in a million, whose brain lights up like a Christmas tree at the mere thought of drinking, but can somehow control it.

I keep proving to myself that I'm not special. That I can't drink in moderation or isolation. But I also can't embrace the idea that I can't.

I just don't know what I can do to fix this. I'm smart, I'm aware. But I overestimate my ability to withstand alcohol regularly. Part of the problem, I think, is that I feel so very sad without it. I don't feel happy and I don't feel anything except emptiness without it. And after so long, I just need to feel again.

Even though it just ends up making me feel like crap.

gatorman

Torri...stop beating yourself up! Look forward, Work on one day at a time.

ReadyAtLast

Hey everyone Sorry to hear you drank Alice but welcome back. I know how hard it is.

Hey Tam - your baby is now a grown up adult! It goes so quickly doesn't it. junior RAL is 10 next birthday!!

How are you courage? congrats on over 5 years

Only on Day 26 (again ) staying positive though.

Love to you all.

Dee74

Hi Alice.

Courage must have forgotten to post here but she's not on SR for the moment.

I think the fact you've been around SR for a long time now means there's something going on that you need to stop.

You needn't to use the A word if you don't want to, but it's clear from your posts you'd be better off without drinking, and it's also clear that you've tried to quit a bunch of times and have trouble staying quit.

You also, against the evidence, still hope to find a way to drink as much as you like and not have cravings or bad consequences. Some of us wasted 20 years on that dream Alice - and it is a dream - it's not viable for drinkers like us.

Sadness will strike when you stop drinking and depression - maybe even anger and anxiety - but it's normal, and it's manageable with regular support.

That's not the best things will get ever - early recovery gives way to something better.

We have to believe and trust that.

I think you belong here Alice and I hope you're close to accepting that - and even more importantly - doing something about it

D

courage2

I think, alcoholism/addiction is a mental illness. On-paper criteria don't matter in the least. I think that until you deeply know that you have it, you won't "take the cure." We're lucky when deep knowledge isn't acquired through deep pain. I hope you're ready, AliceTW.

Dee74

Hi Courage

D

courage2

Hi Dee!

Torii

Hey guys.

Thank you for your words. Dee, thank you, that really resonated with me, you hit many nails on the head.

I do want to quit, but I'm very scared of the sadness and emptiness that happens when I'm sober.

I was sober and felt so sad. Not about not drinking, I actually didn't even want to drink when I took it up again. Just felt very very sad. And the idea of drinking made me happy. I feel like I have no emotions until I drink, and that's when I get to feel them.

I'm building up to being ready to quit again. I know how badly I spiral, and I know I need a solid motivation. Its hard at the moment because I also started smoking again and I am linking the two.

I've been avoiding the forum here, because I don't want to come back until I've got some progress to report.

I want to quit and be sober. I don't want the darkness that follows me when I do. I don't know what the solution is.

Dee74

I hope you'll reconsider - the important part about recovery isn't actually day counts - it's using support and making changes Torii.

D

courage2

Alice, please don't do this: Take the support SR gives freely. Post everywhere and often. December 2012 loves you. Chances are very good that if you're avoiding help, encouragement, and the wisdom of experience, you are (unconsciously) trying to protect the problem that you think you want to improve.

I understand sad. I understand the idea that the bottle holds a promise of not-sad. You have to tell the bottle -- all the self of you that's wrapped up in it -- the truth. When you think of drinking, think "lies" right over those thoughts. When you're drunk, what do you look like? Think of that. Be honest. For me it was lies, degradation, desperation, meanness, violence, shame, betrayal of trust, loss of respect, control, & dignity. That was me drunk. What are you? Name it and hate it.

xxx

Torii

Thanks guys.

Courage-your question about what I look like drunk. I asked my friend who I drink with on Fridays. I said what are the top two words you'd use to describe me. She came up with one - argumentative. I said, really, we usually have fun, she said "yeah but you're fun and funny when you're sober, so that doesn't count". I am honestly gobsmacked at this, because I thought I needed alcohol to be interesting. It honestly shocked me, I don't feel worthy until I drink.

​​​​​I am ready to start again and do this properly. Like Dee said, I need to accept sadness and emptiness. To be honest, I probably need to see the doctor and figure out what's going on. I think alcohol is a lot of self medication for me and I think there's something else going on underneath.

Yesterday my husband asked me, he's a love, "I don't mean to be offensive, but are you changing the goal posts with your drinking? You started off saying special occasions and now.." and I said yes, yoi're absolutely right. I started by thinking special occasions. Then once a month. Then once a week. Then when I've had a rough day.

I'm going to recommit. To myself and to you guys. I can't log online daily, but I'm going to commit to sobriety. I'm expecting to be sad. I don't know how to combat that, but I'll use my work counseling service for support.

How did you guys get over the sad? Is it usual for sobriety? I've had depression in the past and I'm not ashamed, so if that's the source I'm good with that. Just curious.

Dee74

.

well short term episodes maybe....it's a real rollercoaster of emotions when we quit - and sometimes the roots of our addiction go pretty deep.

I'd be the last to say every one of my days is fantastic, but even the bad ones are better for me not drinking on them

D

courage2

It seems like some people feel bad for a few months after they quit and then learn new healthy habits and feel better. Some, like me, quit but have other problems. I was depressed. I was and had been very lost and empty for a long time, drinking or not. Once I figured out that I really had 2 problems -- alcohol & depression -- I was able to treat them each in their own way.

I *do* think it was best for me to *start* by taking alcohol out of the picture.

Torii

Hi guys. Time for me to post and post often.

I'm several chapters into naked mind, and I'm committing to quitting as of tomorrow

I'm going to commit to check in daily for 2 weeks

ReadyAtLast

Great to hear from you Torri

Dee74

Welcome back Torii

D