Tamerua

Today, I apply for a passport because I'm going to Mexico over the summer.
I'm so excited! At the fitness studio, I was paired with a Zumba instructor to translate paperwork (I speak Spanish and he likes things like getting paid and such). He had invited us to go to Mexico when he goes to see his parents and so we decided to do it. I haven't had a real vacation in...
I couldn't tell you when. Happy dance!

Dee74

that sounds great Tam

D

courage2

Happy dance indeed, Tam!! What parts are you planning to visit?

Tamerua

We are going to Guadalajara, now to get the tickets. I'm so excited.... I haven't had a proper vacation in a while.

ReadyAtLast

Oh wow Tam - that's fantastic news I was just about to ask the same question as Courage.

Looking forward to the holiday is half the fun in my opinion Enjoy the planning, booking and excitement. Trip advisor is brilliant to look at places to stay and things to do when you're there ( sorry you prob already know this )

That's excellent news - I'm excited for you!! Mexico is wonderful- you'll have a brilliant time

ReadyAtLast

A change of picture for a few days. To put us in the mood for spring, summer and holidays

This is where I work. I consider myself very lucky to be in such a beautiful place.

gonzo4419

Hey all, just swinging by. Things are good, just working a bit and carrying on with the stuff around the house. I've started transitioning out of civil construction, this is most likely my last year, at least as far as the contracting end goes. It's a good living but I just don't need the stress from it anymore. Just working part time when things need doing instead of sitting around clocking 8 hours whether it was busy or not, plus most things really I can do from here nowadays, everything is email and pdf's and excel spreadsheets, even for drawings. If I stay with the industry I will probably just start my own little consulting business, kinda work as a subcontractor to other contractors to prepare tenders and estimate items.

Going to spend the other time adding some value around the house here, may as well just keep going. Redoing the landscaping was always on the agenda, just going to make it happen this year, installing solar, few other things, and I've just started actively trading on the market more than I have in the past. If I don't count booze I've always been pretty 'frugal' so I've got a buffer to do it. This isn't sudden, been working towards this for years really, just kept sidetracking myself with the sauce every week or 4 or 12, and that was another reason I wouldn't actively trade because i didn't trust myself to not go on a 2 week bender and neglect a stock or do something stupid. And this is what I was trying to do when the manic episode hit, so I just put everything into overdrive and then sidetracked myself for basically 2 years. Does feel like things are back on track, hell I've even been exercising more and started sketching a bit again in the evenings.

Oh, and I got out golfing here on the 26th of February. New record. hope everyone is doing alright.

Dee74

hey Gonzo - glad all is well

D

courage2

Gonzo, it's good to hear from you, I'm glad you sound very well. Congratulations on the golf game!


You say you sidetracked yourself for 2 years. How about 30? Now is good, harmless, orderly, & I'm extremely productive now, but my heart isn't in it -- I'm not sure what happened to my heart. I guess I still have a lot of recovering to do. & yet all my news is good -- I've had 2 papers published recently, and my son got an interesting job, and has been accepted into graduate school.

I don't post as much on the forums as I used to but so far still check in on a couple of threads every day, and remain subscribed to December.

Hi Tam, Ready, & Dee!

ReadyAtLast

hi everyone. I can relate Gonzo. I used to work silly long hours just on the treadmill as I knew nothing else and thought that was the only way. I went part time when Jr RAL was born but still felt like I was doing a full time job just cramming it into PT hours

Now I do something totally different. I really love my work now. Ok the money is much less but I have downsized, reduced outgoings etc. My quality of life and peace of mind are pretty good now and well worth it all.

Hope everyone is doing well. Fri night here.Sat watching new James Bond film on Sky eating creme eggs. not overly impressed with the movie

Some snowdrops for spring

courage2

Hi Ready! I'm glad you're loving your work and have a good life.

courage2

I believe I'm backsliding -- the main symptom is that I'm not sure I care if I'm backsliding. I want to let go -- emotionally, not with alcohol -- but the direction isn't straightforward or truly honest. And so I deny myself the emotionally gratifying thing, and feel dissatisfied, and start thinking of opening another trashcan.

I may buy a pack of cigarettes tomorrow morning. I'm definitely going to a meeting. I'll appreciate any thoughts from December.

ReadyAtLast

Sorry to hear you're not feeling great courage but good that you don't want to drink.

Has something happened to trigger these feelings? How's work?

I get episodes of feeling bad falling which usually relates to how I am interacting with someone . I just really think about it or even step away for a while, if possible. I tell myslef I can't control what others say or do and then do something stress relieving-yoga, walk, read, even deep breathing. It is so important for me to have peace of mind for me this means regaining control of my thoughts rather than letting them slide and escalate.

Often things seem worse when short of sleep or under work stress. I hope you managed to get some sleep last night and perhaps feel better today?

Sending hugs from December

Dee74

I'm not sure how you make yourself care that you're backsliding Courage, but I know everyone here cares, if that helps.

We all want to see you at peace and content - I even dare for happy

I think some meetings are a pretty good idea - might help?

D

courage2

Thx Ready. Problem is, I feel *fine* -- whenever I think about acting out. Makes me smile and adds pep to my step. Don't know whether to sigh or laugh at that

Thx Dee. I get my few minutes of peace and contentment most days and that's good -- it's more than I ever expected!

But...it's weird -- I look at myself living a sober life and I can see that I'm a nicer, better, more capable, more attractive, healthier, even happier person. But it's like that's a person who came through the looking glass and acts a part for me. I feel really strongly, as strongly as I feel anything, that I don't connect to that person -- in some ways getting sober has made that feeling worse. Does anyone else feel this way?

I went to a meeting today. It was ok at least for getting me through today, which is all a person really needs, any day.

Ready, do you have spring flowers yet?

Dee74

It's times like this I wish I could help... but I feel just the opposite I'm afraid Courage - like the drinking me was the phantom acting role.

I feel like I have nothing to run from and nothing to rail against as sober me, and that suits me fine. I feel like I've come home.

I suggested extreme sports in another thread and I wasn't joking...maybe that's a way to act out and (hopefully) not do too much damage to yourself?

D

courage2

Thx Dee. It feels good just to know that someone listens & doesn't judge. You, Tam, Gonzo, Ready -- you all have put up w/a lot of my whining & haven't thrown me out yet

Re the phantom acting role, I was alienated from myself when I was drinking, too. But that part I didn't mind -- I think I kind of sought it. Queen of Self-Loathing LOL. I was supposed to drink myself to death, so no one could say I committed suicide. But I couldn't hack it to the end.

Don't worry. Eventually I'll find something to amuse me. Not sports though -- I'm hopelessly distractable, so I can't do anything like run and throw at the same time, or watch a tennis ball and swing a raquet. I get dizzy crossing a bridge when the traffic's going by and the water's passing at a perpendicular below. Truly!

Dee74

me too

D

ReadyAtLast

Hi courage.

I feel like Dee on this courage. When I look back at my drinking life - even when not drinking I feel like my whole life was an act. My choice of work, my colleagues, even my friends - I was acting most of the time. I then drank to make myself 'better' or act more or because the pressure just built up. I look back and almost can't believe how I lived a false life for so long.

Only now after a sober period am I myself. I don't act. sometimes it's uncomfortable. I'm still a crazy person at times though the moments are less frequent. I can be irrational, paranoid and hasty but usually for genuine reasons. I also know these times will pass and I just try to think through it.

I don't have any answers for you really just more questions Are there specific times where you feel like you are acting - at work perhaps? It's possibly easier for me as I changed my whole life when I quit - area, job, partner, friends etc so I have little to remind me of my old life. This isn't the case for most people and I wonder if memories appear and remind people of their drinking days and there's some kind of crossover perhaps?

That's so weird to read about bridges I have recently developed a fear of open heights. I hate driving over bridges- makes me feel dizzy No sports here either courage

Anyway hope you got some decent sleep and have a good day. Will check in over the weekend before I go on holiday next week (4 sleeps to go !!!!!!)

courage2

Thanks, Ready. I'm easier in my mind today. Will be meeting w/my sponsor later, and have communicated w/some others. My behavior and intentions are far from perfect, but since when did anybody expect me to become perfect? Just me

Re what you say about 'acting a role' when drinking, I didn't bother to do that much. My drinking was an honest expression of a nihilistic worldview. So as long as I was drinking, I was in sync w/myself.

Now that I'm sober, the pang of that worldview has softened, and I can even turn it on its head to something pretty when I choose, but essentially it's the same.

There are reasons for a nihilist to conform to social norms, but they aren't very strong reasons. So unless I have a divine epiphany, I'll likely continue to be morally challenged and a little more open to bad ideas than is good for me