KeyofC

Sometimes we just make bad decisions. Sometimes we do things we shouldn't. Sometimes we hurt people we didn't mean to or say things we shouldn't. If we didn't we wouldn't be human. It's only amplified because we are also alcoholic. I'm not that person anymore. You just get to the point where you don't forget but you use it as a tool to remember how that felt and how you don't want to go back there ever again. Once you've allowed yourself to be a person who has made mistakes, learn from them and leave them where they lay, in your past, then you can make amends to the people who were involved. But not until you are strong enough to forgive yourself. You don't forget, you accept it for what it is, a terrible mistake that wouldn't have happened under the normal you. You aren't that person anymore. Does that make sense at all?

KeyofC

Look back but don't stare. It's what the quote refers to, Patricia.

KeyofC

You got to let that stuff go or it'll eat you up. Put it on paper. Write down your resentments and why. What hurt you? Why does it still matter? Will it matter in the long run? Just get it out of you!

Clownbaby

Oh, Patricia.. I'm so sorry. I've had very similar feelings in the past..".unworthy of happiness". those are the feelings that provoked me to start drinking in secret...diluting all the hard liquor and secretly replacing them when I drank it all....extreme regret & self-loathing. I was extremely depressed and considering suicide.... It was a horrible time in my life and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone ever! I saw a therapist, which didn't really help, but I got to tell a confidant about my dark secrets and why I wanted to die. I guess that was a relief. They kinda ticked me off by bringing up my maternal & paternal issues, so I stopped going. I didn't want to place the blame on anyone but myself and my horrible decisions. But you can't carry the weight of the past forever. The future is where things are different and you will find happiness. Move away from the toxic relationships that support those negative perceptions of yourself

"if we don't change, we don't grow. if we don't grow, we aren't really living"~Gail Sheehy

PennyLane76

I bet most of us here drank due to self loathing of some degree. Why else would we numb ourselves with poison. But by you coming here, asking for help, and quitting alcohol, cigs and benzos at once for gosh sakes proves you do care about yourself, you matter, you are worth it. Alcohol messes up our heads, start fresh tomorrow. You can do it. Remember tomorrow may suck with anxiety, but it gets better!!!

Retread1959

A lot of stuff can shake out when we stop drinking. We might realize that we're doing it in part to numb our feelings because we're in situations that aren't ideal. It takes courage to set boundaries, and it takes courage to take steps to quit an addiction. But sometimes there's fallout that's difficult. What we're doing here has the potential to be life-altering. How that will be for each of us, it's hard to say. Sobriety has to be the number one thing. You deserve it, your kids deserve it. I don't know anything about your husband, but I do know that when someone changes long-standing behavior in a relationship, other people in the relationship tend to not like it.

Don't beat yourself up. Just decide you're worth it, your sobriety is worth it, and keep going. We're here for you.

patricia68

Thank you guys...oh I am an emotional mess right now. I can't stop crying

patricia68

That is true! They are used to the old me and when I try to change they don't like it...

JL2014

God bless you ppl. !
More hope on here than I see in most religious institutions.
Thanks SR

KeyofC

Hang in the Patricia..Ill pray for you (hug)

kittycat3

You can forgive yourself Patricia, one day at a time. It starts with putting down the booze. If you don't do that, you'll never forgive yourself.
It comes with time, you'll get some sobriety and some distance from your past and start to see how to live better and maybe even have some compassion for the old you, the one who turned to booze to cope because she had no other tools. You got this girl, but it starts with drying out....can u toss the rest right now?

patricia68

Thank you Kitty. You are right...I had my last drink at noon. There's no more left in the house.

lovehoops

Hi all..haven't posted in a bit. Been busy with work and family...

Oh Patricia...my heart hurts for you. I know how you feel. I'm glad you have no more alcohol left in your house. Please listen to all of the wonderful supportive words our augustables are shAring. You ARE SO WORTH IT. I feel how you do at times. As a mom, they expect everything from us. I resent many things about my husband and because I drank and hurt them all so much, I feel like I can't stand up for myself and that I owe my family everything because they stayed with a drunken wife and mother. As a result, they often walk all over me. I realize, I allow it and I resent it. That being said....it takes time to get sober, get strong and become the wonderful woman you are.
Please just realize that you ARE worth feeling happy. It takes so much time to gain that strength back. I am sending you big hugs and thinking of you xoxo....

Hope everyone else is well. Happy sober Tuesday.

Dee74

Forgiveness is a process, not an event - it takes time.

I think it starts with doing the right thing, and treating ourselves the way we deserve to be treated - especially then we may not be sure we're wort it.

The more good I did, the better I felt and more today mattered.
I let go of the past and accepted I needed to look forward not back.

I believe you can do this Patricia - I believe you all can do it

It may not be easy but neither is our drinking lives.

There's no relief from drinking, but with recovery there is a light up ahead
Look forward

D

JL2014

Patricia I agree totally w Sadie . Alcohol messes up our mind and thoughts. Things aren't looked at or dealt with the way they would be if we weren't drinking for a while. Please go easy on yourself. You ARE worth it, hon.

KeyofC

I hope you're doing ok this morning Patricia..I just want to swoop you up to come be with me..((hug))

creativespirit9

Hi Patricia-

I am so sorry to hear that you have had a bad couple of days- Bigs hugs to you. I hope that today shines brightly and that you are able to put the past behind you and move forward. Remember that you are gift to this world even if you can't see that yet. You have your son -he loves you and thinks the world of you- see yourself through his eyes. Have you and your husband thought of counseling?

Im sending you lots of prayers and positive energy.. I hope today is a good for you and you continue down the path of sobriety and self care.

benice

Patricia, I'm so glad to hear there's no more beer. That seems to be the best step in the right direction. I join everyone in the class in sending hugs and prayers for a peaceful day where you find strength. I agree with Dee that forgiveness is a process. Looks like you have started that forgiveness journey, yes???

patricia68

That's exactly how I feel Lovehoops. And I don't know how to ask for what I need or how to set boundaries, because for many years I drank to numb my needs and feelings and kept going anyway.

They walked all over me but because I was drunk so it didn't hurt so much. I would be tired, overwhelmed, terrified...and I drunk and kept going.

Now I don't know how to ask, or set boundaries while sober. I feel like they don't care about me...when the truth is I have no clue how to ask...so I resent them.

patricia68

I can't stop thinking that I'm not worth it Dee...how do I go from killing myself with alcohol and pills every day to treating my life and body with respect? I don't even remember when was the last time I looked at the mirror and felt like I deserved something good...

The future terrifies me Dee...