Class Of February 2014 Part 10
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
That's a relief thank you Dee! It is halal so hopefully it wasn't the trigger, the codeine may have played a part it didn't exactly give me abuzz or make me high but I did have some bizarre dreams, I guess I just need to be extra vigilant in future.
I finally feel over my cold, it's a nice peaceful day here in Devon, mum seems back to full health and dad continues to be a nightmare. My priority now is to just keep at it, good things do seem to come to me in a slow and steady pace provided I continue to do the right things. I am confident that sooner or later the opportunity will become available for me to move into a room of my own. Until then I just have to keep my nose to the grindstone!
Hope all the Febbies are well out there
Peace and strength
I finally feel over my cold, it's a nice peaceful day here in Devon, mum seems back to full health and dad continues to be a nightmare. My priority now is to just keep at it, good things do seem to come to me in a slow and steady pace provided I continue to do the right things. I am confident that sooner or later the opportunity will become available for me to move into a room of my own. Until then I just have to keep my nose to the grindstone!
Hope all the Febbies are well out there
Peace and strength
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
I find that when I'm ill, I'm more vulnerable than usual to all the psychological ickies that stir in my brain.
The next right thing is a beautiful plan, LS! I hope that in the mean time you can find peace and detachment while living with your dad's nightmarish behavior. You and I both live with alcoholics, so we're in this one together.
The next right thing is a beautiful plan, LS! I hope that in the mean time you can find peace and detachment while living with your dad's nightmarish behavior. You and I both live with alcoholics, so we're in this one together.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
Ahhh CRUMBS just found the anti-septic throat-spray I was using has ethanol in it!
At least that explains why yesterday was so difficult!
Thanks Glee, the illness had lowered my defences but I'm putting them back up slowly
At least that explains why yesterday was so difficult!
Thanks Glee, the illness had lowered my defences but I'm putting them back up slowly
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 436
LS, Happy Belated Birthday! I meant to acknowledge it in my prior post but once again this forgetful brain had a mind of it's own. 
Glad you're feeling a bit better. Thanks for the heads up on the medicine - it never occurred to me that they could cause a craving but it's good to know.
Lulu, I absolutely loathe the smell of alcohol and like you I can pick up the scent a mile away. Big, huge KUDOS to you for making it through that rehearsal dinner!!! What is it with weddings these days? Once upon a time you had a small rehearsal dinner and then the wedding the next day. Now it's a rehearsal dinner, brunch before the wedding, the wedding itself, brunch or breakfast the next morning. It's nonstop! Like you, I analyze what would happen if I were to drink and go through all the scenarios like you do. I'm very grateful that my mind gives me the ability to do that other than just acting on it in the moment like I used to. Can't wait to hear about the wedding!
I realized something this morning. Autumn used to be my most favorite season. While I still love the beauty of the trees as their leaves change, especially in my neck of the woods, and love being outside in all it's glory, I don't consider it my favorite anymore. I think I loved it so much because the days got shorter and there was less time spent outdoors so I didn't have that guilt of wanting to be home drinking. I could justify it more. Crazy, I know.
For example, last night our boys went off to the mall and it was just my husband and myself, discussing what we were going to do for dinner. You know, the usual "Where do you feel like going?" "I don't know, what about you?" etc. etc. etc. We finally decided on, of all things, pancakes for dinner. At home. I was laughing as we sat down to eat at our "wild and crazy Saturday night". It felt so right.
On that happy note, I'm off to enjoy this day!
Glad you're feeling a bit better. Thanks for the heads up on the medicine - it never occurred to me that they could cause a craving but it's good to know. Lulu, I absolutely loathe the smell of alcohol and like you I can pick up the scent a mile away. Big, huge KUDOS to you for making it through that rehearsal dinner!!! What is it with weddings these days? Once upon a time you had a small rehearsal dinner and then the wedding the next day. Now it's a rehearsal dinner, brunch before the wedding, the wedding itself, brunch or breakfast the next morning. It's nonstop! Like you, I analyze what would happen if I were to drink and go through all the scenarios like you do. I'm very grateful that my mind gives me the ability to do that other than just acting on it in the moment like I used to. Can't wait to hear about the wedding!
I realized something this morning. Autumn used to be my most favorite season. While I still love the beauty of the trees as their leaves change, especially in my neck of the woods, and love being outside in all it's glory, I don't consider it my favorite anymore. I think I loved it so much because the days got shorter and there was less time spent outdoors so I didn't have that guilt of wanting to be home drinking. I could justify it more. Crazy, I know.
For example, last night our boys went off to the mall and it was just my husband and myself, discussing what we were going to do for dinner. You know, the usual "Where do you feel like going?" "I don't know, what about you?" etc. etc. etc.
We finally decided on, of all things, pancakes for dinner. At home. I was laughing as we sat down to eat at our "wild and crazy Saturday night". It felt so right.On that happy note, I'm off to enjoy this day!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
Thanks Casinva!
I find Autumn a little unsettling at the moment, it used to be my favourite month too! Something about the chill on the breeze that feels unsettling. Never mind though, a good excuse to make some nice stews and pies
I find Autumn a little unsettling at the moment, it used to be my favourite month too! Something about the chill on the breeze that feels unsettling. Never mind though, a good excuse to make some nice stews and pies
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Casinva - You sure are reaping the rewards of sobriety.
Lulu - I'm glad that your little one made it through the dinner. Not easy for someone so young to sit still for that time. Good job staying sober.
Hi Gazza and DiggingIn!
I definitely have an aversion to the smell of booze on a person, for what it reminds me of about myself. Last night a drunk driver hit a telephone pole and knocked out power to my street. Several neighbors were out watching the scene, and it brought me back to my DUI arrest four years ago, which I had just revisited last week for the first time since getting sober.
I'm happy to be sober tonight and I'm elbow deep in my work on Step Two. My sponsor is having me work on Codepdendents Anonymous steps alongside the AA steps. Having a framework for my recovery helps me grow while I weather the challenges of living with an alcoholic.
Lulu - I'm glad that your little one made it through the dinner. Not easy for someone so young to sit still for that time. Good job staying sober.
Hi Gazza and DiggingIn!
I definitely have an aversion to the smell of booze on a person, for what it reminds me of about myself. Last night a drunk driver hit a telephone pole and knocked out power to my street. Several neighbors were out watching the scene, and it brought me back to my DUI arrest four years ago, which I had just revisited last week for the first time since getting sober.
I'm happy to be sober tonight and I'm elbow deep in my work on Step Two. My sponsor is having me work on Codepdendents Anonymous steps alongside the AA steps. Having a framework for my recovery helps me grow while I weather the challenges of living with an alcoholic.
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
Glee- congratulations on your new job. I hope it works out. I know it's always risky going in. I think any job will have some level of disappointment or unsavory parts. As long as the good parts outweigh the bad parts.
LS - I'm glad you are feeling better.
I love the fall. I still love the fall. I love the colors. The crisp air. We do more hiking in the fall. I don't think that will change.
Weekend was nice. Hiking. Then it had some challenges - getting called for work while away. Going to immediate care over a tumor scare Sunday. When a big lump grows overnight in your inner thigh, Googling it will just scare your pants off. I'm ok, but blood pressure is high - forgot to pack my meds AND we drank Saturday night. I know that keeps bp high.
That was a big enough scare to do some kitchen purging of bad foods and finally FINALLY give me a reason to try quitting again instead of being stuck in a motivation less limbo.
My plan is to not drink a day at a time - and really mean it. I'd like to build on it with counseling. I didn't get to making an appointment yet. We don't have any big events planned for this weekend which is good news.
Hubby - decided he's going to try moderation. He talked about getting a smaller bottle or doing beers. I said those are things I hear about all the time on the boards, and I said that moderating is really hard. I said I'm not going to try that - I just know I'd get through my 'little' bottle and get frustrated and start searching the house for hidden bottles or go into garbage can and collect all the drops from empties for another drink. That's never been something I thought I would do in my life, but I have done it. So we'll see how he does. It's like he's struggling with me and is accepting it's a problem vesus just my problem. I know we've said that before too.
I said I don't want us to die before we hit 40, or have strokes from high blood pressure.
Being on Febbies thread I've seen a lot of you grow and learn. Some are working sobriety really hard and the rewards. Just seeing how many people are appalled at the smell. Watching the growth shows me it can be done. It can be done even if spouses still drink or we're stuck around another alky.
It requires work too. Lots of it. I don't think I've ever had such a challenge. I'm usually - have a problem, fix it, move on. That approach has not worked - frustrating.
LS - I'm glad you are feeling better.
I love the fall. I still love the fall. I love the colors. The crisp air. We do more hiking in the fall. I don't think that will change.
Weekend was nice. Hiking. Then it had some challenges - getting called for work while away. Going to immediate care over a tumor scare Sunday. When a big lump grows overnight in your inner thigh, Googling it will just scare your pants off. I'm ok, but blood pressure is high - forgot to pack my meds AND we drank Saturday night. I know that keeps bp high.
That was a big enough scare to do some kitchen purging of bad foods and finally FINALLY give me a reason to try quitting again instead of being stuck in a motivation less limbo.
My plan is to not drink a day at a time - and really mean it. I'd like to build on it with counseling. I didn't get to making an appointment yet. We don't have any big events planned for this weekend which is good news.
Hubby - decided he's going to try moderation. He talked about getting a smaller bottle or doing beers. I said those are things I hear about all the time on the boards, and I said that moderating is really hard. I said I'm not going to try that - I just know I'd get through my 'little' bottle and get frustrated and start searching the house for hidden bottles or go into garbage can and collect all the drops from empties for another drink. That's never been something I thought I would do in my life, but I have done it. So we'll see how he does. It's like he's struggling with me and is accepting it's a problem vesus just my problem. I know we've said that before too.
I said I don't want us to die before we hit 40, or have strokes from high blood pressure.
Being on Febbies thread I've seen a lot of you grow and learn. Some are working sobriety really hard and the rewards. Just seeing how many people are appalled at the smell. Watching the growth shows me it can be done. It can be done even if spouses still drink or we're stuck around another alky.
It requires work too. Lots of it. I don't think I've ever had such a challenge. I'm usually - have a problem, fix it, move on. That approach has not worked - frustrating.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
((Torn)) - It's always good to see you here. I have always worked hard to be a successful person. I have a problem, I work on it, I fix it, I move on. Alcoholism has been so very different for me. No amount of personal insight, knowledge, or willpower relieved my desire to get drunk. For me, what's worked is stopping one moment at a time, with other recovering alcoholics at my side. You are recovering the moment you decide to stop. You are recovering right now. SR has helped me. AA has helped me. My biggest rewards in recovery have come from stepping outside of my comfort zone.
Tonight I stepped out of my comfort zone by getting a babysitter so I could go to a meeting. In the past, if my husband couldn't watch the kids, I'd skip the meeting. I've never gotten a sitter to do anything that was solely for my well being.
I'm learning how to take care of myself in recovery. I accept the parts of me that are working well and the parts that need adjusting. I accept that I am the only person who can make me a priority. I'm finally showing myself the kind, gentle, and loving behaviors that I always reserved for others.
I think it's so interesting that Autumn is falling out of favor with some of us. Do you have a new favorite season to replace it?
Tonight I stepped out of my comfort zone by getting a babysitter so I could go to a meeting. In the past, if my husband couldn't watch the kids, I'd skip the meeting. I've never gotten a sitter to do anything that was solely for my well being.
I'm learning how to take care of myself in recovery. I accept the parts of me that are working well and the parts that need adjusting. I accept that I am the only person who can make me a priority. I'm finally showing myself the kind, gentle, and loving behaviors that I always reserved for others.
I think it's so interesting that Autumn is falling out of favor with some of us. Do you have a new favorite season to replace it?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
Torn it's so great to read your post, you seem like you are invigorated with a new energy. I've been there before when someone suggests moderation, I remember being in a supermarket and my friend saying "Why don't you just buy less?" It was heartbreaking. I told him if I bought less all that would happen is that I'd drink it all then go back to the shops for more.
Sooner or later Torn the motivation you need to finally say enough is enough will come flooding into you. When you have a moment to yourself try this; Go somewhere quiet and have a sit down, close your eyes and imagine yourself sober. Fully sober, clean and happy with many years under your belt and not having to deal with the troublesome AV very often. What does that Torn look like? What does she sound like? What does she do with her days, who does she hang around with? Hold that image in your head and just let yourself know that that is the real Torn and that version of you is what is going to happen.
You have to know that something better is coming your way when you quit. One day at a time.
Rooting for you Torn, we all are
Sooner or later Torn the motivation you need to finally say enough is enough will come flooding into you. When you have a moment to yourself try this; Go somewhere quiet and have a sit down, close your eyes and imagine yourself sober. Fully sober, clean and happy with many years under your belt and not having to deal with the troublesome AV very often. What does that Torn look like? What does she sound like? What does she do with her days, who does she hang around with? Hold that image in your head and just let yourself know that that is the real Torn and that version of you is what is going to happen.
You have to know that something better is coming your way when you quit. One day at a time.
Rooting for you Torn, we all are
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 436
Torn, you have a PLAN! That's a big step! Work it a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. And PLEASE stay away from Google for medical issues, lol. When I was going through my health issues in the first few months of my sobriety I Googled all the time and let's just say I was pretty sure I had every ailment known to man and then some.
LS - Well said and great advice as always!
Hope everyone has a great day!
LS - Well said and great advice as always!
Hope everyone has a great day!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,131
Originally Posted by gleefan 
LS, I'm glad you had a nice sober birthday and treated yourself to some fitness goodies.
I accepted a new job. It's a career change for me and I'll be starting in two weeks.
I know that the rule of thumb is no life changes within the first year of sobriety, but my current job is stifling personally and professionally; staying wouldn't contribute to my sobriety, either.
I'm happy for the opportunity, but I'm proud to say that my optimism is tempered by realistic expectations. This job could be great, or a launching point, or it might not work out well at all. I'm willing to accept the outcome, what ever it may be. Knowing that a new job isn't going to solve all my problems is a sign that I am proceeding cautiously and with sobriety.
I accepted a new job. It's a career change for me and I'll be starting in two weeks.
I know that the rule of thumb is no life changes within the first year of sobriety, but my current job is stifling personally and professionally; staying wouldn't contribute to my sobriety, either.
I'm happy for the opportunity, but I'm proud to say that my optimism is tempered by realistic expectations. This job could be great, or a launching point, or it might not work out well at all. I'm willing to accept the outcome, what ever it may be. Knowing that a new job isn't going to solve all my problems is a sign that I am proceeding cautiously and with sobriety.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,131
You'll get there TR and for the time being.....time is on your side....yes, it is...
And I adore fall as well. Upon waking up on the weekends and when I come home from work, I just walk around our property and take a deep breath through the nose while looking at the fall foliage....it's a great feeling.
We have nice mountains in our area too. We're also planning a hike with my boy.
Cya later Febbies....
And I adore fall as well. Upon waking up on the weekends and when I come home from work, I just walk around our property and take a deep breath through the nose while looking at the fall foliage....it's a great feeling.
We have nice mountains in our area too. We're also planning a hike with my boy.
Cya later Febbies....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Hi Febbies,
NT - how are you doing? How is sobriety going for you? Are you counting days/white knuckling, or are you feeling a sense of freedom and serenity?
I'm finding some real self acceptance in sobriety. I get the sense that's been happening among Casinva, DiggingIn and Lulu for a while. I wrote on the Undies thread that I no longer feel like I'm twisting myself into a pretzel so others find me more palatable, and that's true.
In fact, I got to use that new found self acceptance this afternoon. I'm struggling to find childcare for my children for when I start my new job. Hubby just tried to coerce me into badgering my parents for help even though they've been clear that they won't do it. In the past I'd argue about this with my parents, and feel lousy afterwards. One of my goals in sobriety has been to not allow him to make me feel bad about my parents' lack of involvement in childcare. I'm able to see the dynamic he's using, change my response as planned, then observe his negative reaction without trying to change it.
It's liberating to have this level of detachment. It's liberating to see I'm being manipulated by someone who I've implicitly trusted. The argument could go both ways - it's not healthy to put blind trust into anyone (me), but at the same time it's not ethical to mishandle someone else's trust (him).
Regardless, all I know is, today I didn't twist and turn into a pretzel of someone else's design.
NT - how are you doing? How is sobriety going for you? Are you counting days/white knuckling, or are you feeling a sense of freedom and serenity?
I'm finding some real self acceptance in sobriety. I get the sense that's been happening among Casinva, DiggingIn and Lulu for a while. I wrote on the Undies thread that I no longer feel like I'm twisting myself into a pretzel so others find me more palatable, and that's true.
In fact, I got to use that new found self acceptance this afternoon. I'm struggling to find childcare for my children for when I start my new job. Hubby just tried to coerce me into badgering my parents for help even though they've been clear that they won't do it. In the past I'd argue about this with my parents, and feel lousy afterwards. One of my goals in sobriety has been to not allow him to make me feel bad about my parents' lack of involvement in childcare. I'm able to see the dynamic he's using, change my response as planned, then observe his negative reaction without trying to change it.
It's liberating to have this level of detachment. It's liberating to see I'm being manipulated by someone who I've implicitly trusted. The argument could go both ways - it's not healthy to put blind trust into anyone (me), but at the same time it's not ethical to mishandle someone else's trust (him).
Regardless, all I know is, today I didn't twist and turn into a pretzel of someone else's design.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,131
Originally Posted by gleefan
Hi Febbies,
NT - how are you doing? How is sobriety going for you? Are you counting days/white knuckling, or are you feeling a sense of freedom and serenity?
I'm finding some real self acceptance in sobriety. I get the sense that's been happening among Casinva, DiggingIn and Lulu for a while. I wrote on the Undies thread that I no longer feel like I'm twisting myself into a pretzel so others find me more palatable, and that's true.
In fact, I got to use that new found self acceptance this afternoon. I'm struggling to find childcare for my children for when I start my new job. Hubby just tried to coerce me into badgering my parents for help even though they've been clear that they won't do it. In the past I'd argue about this with my parents, and feel lousy afterwards. One of my goals in sobriety has been to not allow him to make me feel bad about my parents' lack of involvement in childcare. I'm able to see the dynamic he's using, change my response as planned, then observe his negative reaction without trying to change it.
It's liberating to have this level of detachment. It's liberating to see I'm being manipulated by someone who I've implicitly trusted. The argument could go both ways - it's not healthy to put blind trust into anyone (me), but at the same time it's not ethical to mishandle someone else's trust (him).
Regardless, all I know is, today I didn't twist and turn into a pretzel of someone else's design.
NT - how are you doing? How is sobriety going for you? Are you counting days/white knuckling, or are you feeling a sense of freedom and serenity?
I'm finding some real self acceptance in sobriety. I get the sense that's been happening among Casinva, DiggingIn and Lulu for a while. I wrote on the Undies thread that I no longer feel like I'm twisting myself into a pretzel so others find me more palatable, and that's true.
In fact, I got to use that new found self acceptance this afternoon. I'm struggling to find childcare for my children for when I start my new job. Hubby just tried to coerce me into badgering my parents for help even though they've been clear that they won't do it. In the past I'd argue about this with my parents, and feel lousy afterwards. One of my goals in sobriety has been to not allow him to make me feel bad about my parents' lack of involvement in childcare. I'm able to see the dynamic he's using, change my response as planned, then observe his negative reaction without trying to change it.
It's liberating to have this level of detachment. It's liberating to see I'm being manipulated by someone who I've implicitly trusted. The argument could go both ways - it's not healthy to put blind trust into anyone (me), but at the same time it's not ethical to mishandle someone else's trust (him).
Regardless, all I know is, today I didn't twist and turn into a pretzel of someone else's design.
I'm counting most days....recently I've been beginning for forget. That's always a good sign.
Today is day (50). I have my moments but for the most part, I am outside the grips of alcohol. I'm really stepping back and putting as many moments as possible into perspective (sobriety).
I'm happy to see you running your own show. I see a big positive difference in your self-expression now too. You're self aware and in control. That's what it is all about.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
It's hard for me to understand when I gave up on myself, and why. My best guess is that it was a gradual process with several factors contributing to it - anxiety, self worth, alcohol, and parenthood, to name a few.
I am so uncomfortable coming out of this fog. I find myself feeling alternately like I'm on the verge of crying, falling, or losing my mind! Then little successes happen that strengthen my resolve. Like, today at work I handled a difficult conversation well.
In the past I would have been down on myself for not being a self assured person YET, or as self assured as someone else, but the new me accepts myself where I am, accepts the need for improvement, and celebrates the progress.
Thanks, NT.
I am so uncomfortable coming out of this fog. I find myself feeling alternately like I'm on the verge of crying, falling, or losing my mind! Then little successes happen that strengthen my resolve. Like, today at work I handled a difficult conversation well.
In the past I would have been down on myself for not being a self assured person YET, or as self assured as someone else, but the new me accepts myself where I am, accepts the need for improvement, and celebrates the progress.
Thanks, NT.
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
Glee your personal journey and work done into self inventory and some of the problems you discovered have made me aware that I'm absolutely sure I'm scared about what I'll find out about myself. I'm also intrigued and inspired.
I want to see a counselor because self confidence has been a hit/miss issue. Failing at being sober has done a lot of damage. Being a drunk has done a lot of damage. So I think I need to find a dual diagnosis person.
I had class tonight. It's the last one - next week is an at home final. Those are pretty damn hard to be honest. They purposely try to make it so hard because it's open book. I never took such long tests before. 3.5 hours and I usually need them all.
In my Bachelor's program, I'd study, go to class and do an 2 hour test in 1 hour because I studied and be fine. This open book stuff has been worse. I study and still spend those hours.
I mentioned and freaked out about being sad for my friends lately. Lots of stuff and today new bad news. I invited a girlfriend over and she said in a long email she couldn't her step-dad who raised her is in the hospital with stroke or brain cancer with no idea what is going on. I didn't know what to say - just if you need anything let me know, she's in my thoughts.
Then I walked into a co-worker in sobs in the bathroom. She lost her dad 3 weeks ago and I went to the visitation. She was crushed and now I guess mom wants to get rid of the pet and because of it's age, put it to sleep. I wish I had the place to take her pet in, she's been through so much. I let her know if she wanted to talk, go to dinner or lunch - I'm there.
So I wasn't kidding my friends are having a bad year and it seems to stay that way for now. I know this is just a bad wave for the year. There are also very happy years.
I'm still seeing two girlfriends tomorrow. That's not normally something I plan for after work but I wanted to see them. Yippeee. So I'm excited for that.
Thanks for all the support Febbies, I'm hoping I keep with it this time. Tired from work and school, so goodnight.
I want to see a counselor because self confidence has been a hit/miss issue. Failing at being sober has done a lot of damage. Being a drunk has done a lot of damage. So I think I need to find a dual diagnosis person.
I had class tonight. It's the last one - next week is an at home final. Those are pretty damn hard to be honest. They purposely try to make it so hard because it's open book. I never took such long tests before. 3.5 hours and I usually need them all.
In my Bachelor's program, I'd study, go to class and do an 2 hour test in 1 hour because I studied and be fine. This open book stuff has been worse. I study and still spend those hours.
I mentioned and freaked out about being sad for my friends lately. Lots of stuff and today new bad news. I invited a girlfriend over and she said in a long email she couldn't her step-dad who raised her is in the hospital with stroke or brain cancer with no idea what is going on. I didn't know what to say - just if you need anything let me know, she's in my thoughts.
Then I walked into a co-worker in sobs in the bathroom. She lost her dad 3 weeks ago and I went to the visitation. She was crushed and now I guess mom wants to get rid of the pet and because of it's age, put it to sleep. I wish I had the place to take her pet in, she's been through so much. I let her know if she wanted to talk, go to dinner or lunch - I'm there.
So I wasn't kidding my friends are having a bad year and it seems to stay that way for now. I know this is just a bad wave for the year. There are also very happy years.
I'm still seeing two girlfriends tomorrow. That's not normally something I plan for after work but I wanted to see them. Yippeee. So I'm excited for that.
Thanks for all the support Febbies, I'm hoping I keep with it this time. Tired from work and school, so goodnight.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Torn - In life there will always be tragedy and loss. People will help us, and we will help others. In recovery I've developed boundaries that allow me to reach out with loving kindness to my friends who are suffering, without unduly taking on their pain. The series of books on codependence by Melodie Beattie helped me work out how to do that.
Recovery, coupled with some multi pronged work on myself, has helped me find the self assurance that I always sought but never knew how to have. I read a lot of self help books, went to AA, talked to other alcoholics, wrote in a journal, posted on SR, listened to feedback, and got a sponsor in AA to work the 12 steps. I haven't gone to therapy but I think it would be a great adjunct to the work I'm doing. I'm not ruling it out.
If I knew how much would change when I got sober, I don't know if I would have taken the plunge - that's only because I would have had no idea how much RELIEF I'd feel from the changes.
Go for it, Torn!
Recovery, coupled with some multi pronged work on myself, has helped me find the self assurance that I always sought but never knew how to have. I read a lot of self help books, went to AA, talked to other alcoholics, wrote in a journal, posted on SR, listened to feedback, and got a sponsor in AA to work the 12 steps. I haven't gone to therapy but I think it would be a great adjunct to the work I'm doing. I'm not ruling it out.
If I knew how much would change when I got sober, I don't know if I would have taken the plunge - that's only because I would have had no idea how much RELIEF I'd feel from the changes.
Go for it, Torn!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
Hey peeps, I'm back and I'm soooooo glad to be home!!!
NT- congratulations on 50 days!
I really think that alcoholism erodes the soul. Before I started drinking heavily I considered myself a pretty happy person albeit a bit high strung and a perfectionist. After I got a DUI I allowed my life to come crashing down and that's when I started to drink heavily. I know it sounds pretty ridiculous that I let one DUI have that big of an effect on me, but it did. I was an EMT in a small town and once I got the DUI the word spread like wildfire. Apparently I was the first EMT ever to get a DUI there. The cop that pulled me over knew me. He asked his supervisor if there was any way he could just let me go and his supervisor took one look at me and shook his head (he knew me too). I got the DUI on my very last day of nursing school. I had a job already lined up in an ER. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get my nursing license anymore and therefore not get the job. I kissed any chance of going to medical school goodbye (which really broke my heart). I lost my drivers license for about a year, I moved away and I missed home etc etc. When I finally got everything all cleared up with the state board of nursing, got my nursling license, and got the job, I finally started to relax a little. Although, I was still drinking regularly. Just as I started to think everything was OK my supervisor accused me of not properly triaging a patient having an active heart attack who went to a competing hospital for treatment after waiting too long in our ER. I was put through the ringer. Chewed out by the CNO and my job was threatened. Fortunately I didn't lose my job but just as I was about to get written up to high hell my supervisor suddenly realizes that it was the triage nurse on shift BEFORE me that didn't triage the heart attack patient properly, but I was quick to blame because I was the new grad. She turned white as a ghost and told me she all of a sudden "lost" my write up and begged me not to tell anyone. By that time I had already applied to a new position in a different department at a different hospital. That's when I started drinking heavily. I hated my new job. I was always afraid I'd get in trouble for something. I felt like I was walking on egg shells every single day. I missed the ER. My husband pushed me into going to paramedic school and I dropped out because I had too much on my plate with trying to work full time and all the crap I was still dealing with with my DUI. I started taking antidepressants. I continued to drink heavily. I beat myself up continuously about the DUI. I drank because of the mess at my previous job (which I loved btw), dropping out of paramedic school, being an alcoholic, being homesick, hating my new job, and any other nit pick thing I could find. I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank. Which came first? The alcoholism or the depression? I never could figure that one out. I was clearly already an alcoholic by the time I got that DUI, but after that DUI it progressed quite quickly.
Now after I've stopped drinking heavily I'm able to think a lot more clearly about things including myself. I'm able to heal. I feel like recovery and stopping drinking go hand in hand. I don't think you can really begin to recover until you stop drinking because alcohol does something to your brain (it's a depressant after all). It's hard to stay stopped from drinking until you find a good recovery program. Fortunately I haven't had to go back on the anti-depressants, but they helped me out when I needed them.
I can seriously say that today I feel good. Not perfect, but good. I'm happy. I'm off that roller coaster of emotions and hangovers. The other day I was in the grocery store during my trip and I saw some wine and I initially thought "I'm so stressed I could use that wine right now" then I actually felt a sense of relief because I knew that wasn't the truth. In fact, there was no more wishing for that wine. A decision has been made and I no longer have to worry about how or when I can get a bottle of that wine. Instead, I just get to go home, go to bed, and wake up hangover free. It's quite an amazing, freeing feeling.
Ok, sorry for the long post (again). Take care all.
NT- congratulations on 50 days!
I really think that alcoholism erodes the soul. Before I started drinking heavily I considered myself a pretty happy person albeit a bit high strung and a perfectionist. After I got a DUI I allowed my life to come crashing down and that's when I started to drink heavily. I know it sounds pretty ridiculous that I let one DUI have that big of an effect on me, but it did. I was an EMT in a small town and once I got the DUI the word spread like wildfire. Apparently I was the first EMT ever to get a DUI there. The cop that pulled me over knew me. He asked his supervisor if there was any way he could just let me go and his supervisor took one look at me and shook his head (he knew me too). I got the DUI on my very last day of nursing school. I had a job already lined up in an ER. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get my nursing license anymore and therefore not get the job. I kissed any chance of going to medical school goodbye (which really broke my heart). I lost my drivers license for about a year, I moved away and I missed home etc etc. When I finally got everything all cleared up with the state board of nursing, got my nursling license, and got the job, I finally started to relax a little. Although, I was still drinking regularly. Just as I started to think everything was OK my supervisor accused me of not properly triaging a patient having an active heart attack who went to a competing hospital for treatment after waiting too long in our ER. I was put through the ringer. Chewed out by the CNO and my job was threatened. Fortunately I didn't lose my job but just as I was about to get written up to high hell my supervisor suddenly realizes that it was the triage nurse on shift BEFORE me that didn't triage the heart attack patient properly, but I was quick to blame because I was the new grad. She turned white as a ghost and told me she all of a sudden "lost" my write up and begged me not to tell anyone. By that time I had already applied to a new position in a different department at a different hospital. That's when I started drinking heavily. I hated my new job. I was always afraid I'd get in trouble for something. I felt like I was walking on egg shells every single day. I missed the ER. My husband pushed me into going to paramedic school and I dropped out because I had too much on my plate with trying to work full time and all the crap I was still dealing with with my DUI. I started taking antidepressants. I continued to drink heavily. I beat myself up continuously about the DUI. I drank because of the mess at my previous job (which I loved btw), dropping out of paramedic school, being an alcoholic, being homesick, hating my new job, and any other nit pick thing I could find. I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank. Which came first? The alcoholism or the depression? I never could figure that one out. I was clearly already an alcoholic by the time I got that DUI, but after that DUI it progressed quite quickly.
Now after I've stopped drinking heavily I'm able to think a lot more clearly about things including myself. I'm able to heal. I feel like recovery and stopping drinking go hand in hand. I don't think you can really begin to recover until you stop drinking because alcohol does something to your brain (it's a depressant after all). It's hard to stay stopped from drinking until you find a good recovery program. Fortunately I haven't had to go back on the anti-depressants, but they helped me out when I needed them.
I can seriously say that today I feel good. Not perfect, but good. I'm happy. I'm off that roller coaster of emotions and hangovers. The other day I was in the grocery store during my trip and I saw some wine and I initially thought "I'm so stressed I could use that wine right now" then I actually felt a sense of relief because I knew that wasn't the truth. In fact, there was no more wishing for that wine. A decision has been made and I no longer have to worry about how or when I can get a bottle of that wine. Instead, I just get to go home, go to bed, and wake up hangover free. It's quite an amazing, freeing feeling.
Ok, sorry for the long post (again). Take care all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
Hi Lulu, that's a harrowing story I can relate. I am glad you're feeling good and free at the moment, I know exactly the feeling you mean Enjoy it! You earned it!
Did the depression come first or the alcohol? I ask myself all the time. I feel like when I was 17 and I was feeling low, I started drinking and it briefly took away the pain. IF ONLY I had found a different way to deal with that feeling of depression other than drinking, it would of only been a period of low mood, not ten years of hell.
Enjoy it! You earned it!Did the depression come first or the alcohol? I ask myself all the time. I feel like when I was 17 and I was feeling low, I started drinking and it briefly took away the pain. IF ONLY I had found a different way to deal with that feeling of depression other than drinking, it would of only been a period of low mood, not ten years of hell.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,131
Hey Lulu, thanks and happy you are glad to be home!
It's amazing the anxiety a job can put on people. I think those who have a sense of entitlement have that expectation that they deserve their job. They never look worried to me.
I have never been like that. We take nothing for granted I guess. I worked my butt off with empathy and was always worried about losing my job due to conditions out of my control.
....And then marriage, a mortgage and a child. Furthermore, in today's economical climate and all of the above, it's a lot of pressure....
And throw on the other reasons to drink, it's no wonder we have a problem. And I've often said, we here on SR are a small-small percentage. Hats off to us, ay, for making the effort!
It's amazing the anxiety a job can put on people. I think those who have a sense of entitlement have that expectation that they deserve their job. They never look worried to me.
I have never been like that. We take nothing for granted I guess. I worked my butt off with empathy and was always worried about losing my job due to conditions out of my control.
....And then marriage, a mortgage and a child. Furthermore, in today's economical climate and all of the above, it's a lot of pressure....
And throw on the other reasons to drink, it's no wonder we have a problem. And I've often said, we here on SR are a small-small percentage. Hats off to us, ay, for making the effort!
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