Hey peeps, I'm back and I'm soooooo glad to be home!!!
NT- congratulations on 50 days!
I really think that alcoholism erodes the soul. Before I started drinking heavily I considered myself a pretty happy person albeit a bit high strung and a perfectionist. After I got a DUI I allowed my life to come crashing down and that's when I started to drink heavily. I know it sounds pretty ridiculous that I let one DUI have that big of an effect on me, but it did. I was an EMT in a small town and once I got the DUI the word spread like wildfire. Apparently I was the first EMT ever to get a DUI there. The cop that pulled me over knew me. He asked his supervisor if there was any way he could just let me go and his supervisor took one look at me and shook his head (he knew me too). I got the DUI on my very last day of nursing school. I had a job already lined up in an ER. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get my nursing license anymore and therefore not get the job. I kissed any chance of going to medical school goodbye (which really broke my heart). I lost my drivers license for about a year, I moved away and I missed home etc etc. When I finally got everything all cleared up with the state board of nursing, got my nursling license, and got the job, I finally started to relax a little. Although, I was still drinking regularly. Just as I started to think everything was OK my supervisor accused me of not properly triaging a patient having an active heart attack who went to a competing hospital for treatment after waiting too long in our ER. I was put through the ringer. Chewed out by the CNO and my job was threatened. Fortunately I didn't lose my job but just as I was about to get written up to high hell my supervisor suddenly realizes that it was the triage nurse on shift BEFORE me that didn't triage the heart attack patient properly, but I was quick to blame because I was the new grad. She turned white as a ghost and told me she all of a sudden "lost" my write up and begged me not to tell anyone. By that time I had already applied to a new position in a different department at a different hospital. That's when I started drinking heavily. I hated my new job. I was always afraid I'd get in trouble for something. I felt like I was walking on egg shells every single day. I missed the ER. My husband pushed me into going to paramedic school and I dropped out because I had too much on my plate with trying to work full time and all the crap I was still dealing with with my DUI. I started taking antidepressants. I continued to drink heavily. I beat myself up continuously about the DUI. I drank because of the mess at my previous job (which I loved btw), dropping out of paramedic school, being an alcoholic, being homesick, hating my new job, and any other nit pick thing I could find. I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank. Which came first? The alcoholism or the depression? I never could figure that one out. I was clearly already an alcoholic by the time I got that DUI, but after that DUI it progressed quite quickly.
Now after I've stopped drinking heavily I'm able to think a lot more clearly about things including myself. I'm able to heal. I feel like recovery and stopping drinking go hand in hand. I don't think you can really begin to recover until you stop drinking because alcohol does something to your brain (it's a depressant after all). It's hard to stay stopped from drinking until you find a good recovery program. Fortunately I haven't had to go back on the anti-depressants, but they helped me out when I needed them.
I can seriously say that today I feel good. Not perfect, but good. I'm happy. I'm off that roller coaster of emotions and hangovers. The other day I was in the grocery store during my trip and I saw some wine and I initially thought "I'm so stressed I could use that wine right now" then I actually felt a sense of relief because I knew that wasn't the truth. In fact, there was no more wishing for that wine. A decision has been made and I no longer have to worry about how or when I can get a bottle of that wine. Instead, I just get to go home, go to bed, and wake up hangover free. It's quite an amazing, freeing feeling.
Ok, sorry for the long post (again). Take care all.