Class Of February 2014 Part 10
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
I love Fall, still, too. Every season and holiday has an association with alcohol for me. Although I associate different drinks for different times of year, all had the common goal of getting drunk!
Towards the last year of drinking, I didn't put as much effort into drinking different types of booze different times of the year. I think that was the depression creeping in?
I was never a particularly depressed person before alcoholism. I wasn't spiritually fit, either. There was always a longing, an itch, an underlying dissatisfaction with life. It wasn't until after I quit drinking that I felt the heaviness, sadness, and lethargy of a major depression. I didn't realize it was depression at first because I never identified as depressed before drinking.
I'm grateful the depression lifted. I'm grateful to have all the tools of recovery to work through the longing, the itch, the dissatisfaction.
Today was a productive day for me. I know it's a particularly productive day when I complete items that are a bit further down on my to do list. Today I cleaned the shelves of my refrigerator. I know that I owe it to both the passing of time to heal by body/brain and working a recovery program.
Back in the day, I'd super duper clean the fridge AND the entire kitchen in one manic swoop of energy, then reward myself with drinking. In recovery, I am cleaning the fridge a little bit every day. Yesterday was the veggie bins. Today the shelves. Tomorrow the inside of the door. The next day, the outside. And I'll make it to the other deep cleaning parts of the kitchen next week, bit by bit. I like this new approach to tasks.
It's unseasonably warm where I live today, but I feel the need for a hot cocoa!! Be well, Febbies!!
Towards the last year of drinking, I didn't put as much effort into drinking different types of booze different times of the year. I think that was the depression creeping in?
I was never a particularly depressed person before alcoholism. I wasn't spiritually fit, either. There was always a longing, an itch, an underlying dissatisfaction with life. It wasn't until after I quit drinking that I felt the heaviness, sadness, and lethargy of a major depression. I didn't realize it was depression at first because I never identified as depressed before drinking.
I'm grateful the depression lifted. I'm grateful to have all the tools of recovery to work through the longing, the itch, the dissatisfaction.
Today was a productive day for me. I know it's a particularly productive day when I complete items that are a bit further down on my to do list. Today I cleaned the shelves of my refrigerator. I know that I owe it to both the passing of time to heal by body/brain and working a recovery program.
Back in the day, I'd super duper clean the fridge AND the entire kitchen in one manic swoop of energy, then reward myself with drinking. In recovery, I am cleaning the fridge a little bit every day. Yesterday was the veggie bins. Today the shelves. Tomorrow the inside of the door. The next day, the outside. And I'll make it to the other deep cleaning parts of the kitchen next week, bit by bit. I like this new approach to tasks.
It's unseasonably warm where I live today, but I feel the need for a hot cocoa!! Be well, Febbies!!
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
Glee,
I know I'm a codie? Is that what it is? I'm co-dependent. It's very obvious in my posts.
I'm also way too sensitive and I do tend to take in more than I can handle. So I try and limit watching the news which seems to be no just who died in what horrible way lately. Ugh.
I got good news today. The coworker/friend sobbing in the bathroom her dog will be saved. There was a huge misunderstanding because of text messages and no dogs are going to die.
Hours before that the friend with step-dad with possible brain cancer finds out it's just minor stroke. He's walking and talking and expected to be ok. So she came to my girl's night.
It was fun. One lady asked where's the booze and I said I don't have any, I'm trying to quit and she said that's right! I have tea and she was like, that works!! So it was fun, and sober.
The fall colors are just amazing this year. I drive to work and all the oranges and yellows and reds. Last year we remember it was brown and done.
Glee, I plan on looking into your books. I also looked up counselors today and wrote down a few numbers. Getting ready to make some calls. I found one that is an addiction specialist, and depression and anxiety. I hope he takes new patients.
I know I'm a codie? Is that what it is? I'm co-dependent. It's very obvious in my posts.
I'm also way too sensitive and I do tend to take in more than I can handle. So I try and limit watching the news which seems to be no just who died in what horrible way lately. Ugh.
I got good news today. The coworker/friend sobbing in the bathroom her dog will be saved. There was a huge misunderstanding because of text messages and no dogs are going to die.
Hours before that the friend with step-dad with possible brain cancer finds out it's just minor stroke. He's walking and talking and expected to be ok. So she came to my girl's night.
It was fun. One lady asked where's the booze and I said I don't have any, I'm trying to quit and she said that's right! I have tea and she was like, that works!! So it was fun, and sober.
The fall colors are just amazing this year. I drive to work and all the oranges and yellows and reds. Last year we remember it was brown and done.
Glee, I plan on looking into your books. I also looked up counselors today and wrote down a few numbers. Getting ready to make some calls. I found one that is an addiction specialist, and depression and anxiety. I hope he takes new patients.
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
Originally Posted by Lulupalooza 
Hey peeps, I'm back and I'm soooooo glad to be home!!!
NT- congratulations on 50 days!
I really think that alcoholism erodes the soul. Before I started drinking heavily I considered myself a pretty happy person albeit a bit high strung and a perfectionist. After I got a DUI I allowed my life to come crashing down and that's when I started to drink heavily. I know it sounds pretty ridiculous that I let one DUI have that big of an effect on me, but it did. I was an EMT in a small town and once I got the DUI the word spread like wildfire. Apparently I was the first EMT ever to get a DUI there. The cop that pulled me over knew me. He asked his supervisor if there was any way he could just let me go and his supervisor took one look at me and shook his head (he knew me too). I got the DUI on my very last day of nursing school. I had a job already lined up in an ER. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get my nursing license anymore and therefore not get the job. I kissed any chance of going to medical school goodbye (which really broke my heart). I lost my drivers license for about a year, I moved away and I missed home etc etc. When I finally got everything all cleared up with the state board of nursing, got my nursling license, and got the job, I finally started to relax a little. Although, I was still drinking regularly. Just as I started to think everything was OK my supervisor accused me of not properly triaging a patient having an active heart attack who went to a competing hospital for treatment after waiting too long in our ER. I was put through the ringer. Chewed out by the CNO and my job was threatened. Fortunately I didn't lose my job but just as I was about to get written up to high hell my supervisor suddenly realizes that it was the triage nurse on shift BEFORE me that didn't triage the heart attack patient properly, but I was quick to blame because I was the new grad. She turned white as a ghost and told me she all of a sudden "lost" my write up and begged me not to tell anyone. By that time I had already applied to a new position in a different department at a different hospital. That's when I started drinking heavily. I hated my new job. I was always afraid I'd get in trouble for something. I felt like I was walking on egg shells every single day. I missed the ER. My husband pushed me into going to paramedic school and I dropped out because I had too much on my plate with trying to work full time and all the crap I was still dealing with with my DUI. I started taking antidepressants. I continued to drink heavily. I beat myself up continuously about the DUI. I drank because of the mess at my previous job (which I loved btw), dropping out of paramedic school, being an alcoholic, being homesick, hating my new job, and any other nit pick thing I could find. I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank. Which came first? The alcoholism or the depression? I never could figure that one out. I was clearly already an alcoholic by the time I got that DUI, but after that DUI it progressed quite quickly.
Now after I've stopped drinking heavily I'm able to think a lot more clearly about things including myself. I'm able to heal. I feel like recovery and stopping drinking go hand in hand. I don't think you can really begin to recover until you stop drinking because alcohol does something to your brain (it's a depressant after all). It's hard to stay stopped from drinking until you find a good recovery program. Fortunately I haven't had to go back on the anti-depressants, but they helped me out when I needed them.
I can seriously say that today I feel good. Not perfect, but good. I'm happy. I'm off that roller coaster of emotions and hangovers. The other day I was in the grocery store during my trip and I saw some wine and I initially thought "I'm so stressed I could use that wine right now" then I actually felt a sense of relief because I knew that wasn't the truth. In fact, there was no more wishing for that wine. A decision has been made and I no longer have to worry about how or when I can get a bottle of that wine. Instead, I just get to go home, go to bed, and wake up hangover free. It's quite an amazing, freeing feeling.
Ok, sorry for the long post (again). Take care all.
NT- congratulations on 50 days!
I really think that alcoholism erodes the soul. Before I started drinking heavily I considered myself a pretty happy person albeit a bit high strung and a perfectionist. After I got a DUI I allowed my life to come crashing down and that's when I started to drink heavily. I know it sounds pretty ridiculous that I let one DUI have that big of an effect on me, but it did. I was an EMT in a small town and once I got the DUI the word spread like wildfire. Apparently I was the first EMT ever to get a DUI there. The cop that pulled me over knew me. He asked his supervisor if there was any way he could just let me go and his supervisor took one look at me and shook his head (he knew me too). I got the DUI on my very last day of nursing school. I had a job already lined up in an ER. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get my nursing license anymore and therefore not get the job. I kissed any chance of going to medical school goodbye (which really broke my heart). I lost my drivers license for about a year, I moved away and I missed home etc etc. When I finally got everything all cleared up with the state board of nursing, got my nursling license, and got the job, I finally started to relax a little. Although, I was still drinking regularly. Just as I started to think everything was OK my supervisor accused me of not properly triaging a patient having an active heart attack who went to a competing hospital for treatment after waiting too long in our ER. I was put through the ringer. Chewed out by the CNO and my job was threatened. Fortunately I didn't lose my job but just as I was about to get written up to high hell my supervisor suddenly realizes that it was the triage nurse on shift BEFORE me that didn't triage the heart attack patient properly, but I was quick to blame because I was the new grad. She turned white as a ghost and told me she all of a sudden "lost" my write up and begged me not to tell anyone. By that time I had already applied to a new position in a different department at a different hospital. That's when I started drinking heavily. I hated my new job. I was always afraid I'd get in trouble for something. I felt like I was walking on egg shells every single day. I missed the ER. My husband pushed me into going to paramedic school and I dropped out because I had too much on my plate with trying to work full time and all the crap I was still dealing with with my DUI. I started taking antidepressants. I continued to drink heavily. I beat myself up continuously about the DUI. I drank because of the mess at my previous job (which I loved btw), dropping out of paramedic school, being an alcoholic, being homesick, hating my new job, and any other nit pick thing I could find. I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank. Which came first? The alcoholism or the depression? I never could figure that one out. I was clearly already an alcoholic by the time I got that DUI, but after that DUI it progressed quite quickly.
Now after I've stopped drinking heavily I'm able to think a lot more clearly about things including myself. I'm able to heal. I feel like recovery and stopping drinking go hand in hand. I don't think you can really begin to recover until you stop drinking because alcohol does something to your brain (it's a depressant after all). It's hard to stay stopped from drinking until you find a good recovery program. Fortunately I haven't had to go back on the anti-depressants, but they helped me out when I needed them.
I can seriously say that today I feel good. Not perfect, but good. I'm happy. I'm off that roller coaster of emotions and hangovers. The other day I was in the grocery store during my trip and I saw some wine and I initially thought "I'm so stressed I could use that wine right now" then I actually felt a sense of relief because I knew that wasn't the truth. In fact, there was no more wishing for that wine. A decision has been made and I no longer have to worry about how or when I can get a bottle of that wine. Instead, I just get to go home, go to bed, and wake up hangover free. It's quite an amazing, freeing feeling.
Ok, sorry for the long post (again). Take care all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Torn - You sound so optimistic! Any time I've felt overwhelmed about what recovery might reveal I took it one day at a time - sometimes hour by your, others moment by moment. I found comfort that I didn't need to go any faster than I could handle. You are strong, sweet, smart and resilient. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
Torn, you sound like you're doing well and that makes me happy. I hope you were able to find a good counselor too.
Glee, I used to clean like that when I drank too. Actually, I'd drink and clean. Drinking somehow gave me energy. However, I'd get weirdly OCD and get so focused on one thing that I'd miss the big picture. Example: Intending to clean the bathroom, but end up doing a deep clean on the shower. Result: Extremely clean shower. Dirty bathroom. I've also found that I'm much more productive doing bit by bit.
I still love fall time but it has turned into kind of a spooky time for me too. I don't know what it is about it, but I feel like I drank heaviest during the fall. So, sometimes I get the heebee geebees thinking about it. Same with Christmas. It's hard to explain. It just feels so dark sometimes. I get homesick too. Here in Texas there isn't much of a fall. Not like Utah. In Utah fall time meant leaves changing, deer season, gathering wood for the winter, canning fruits and vegetables harvested before the freeze, cool crisp air, the smell of chimney smoke... here in Texas it's... 80 degrees. I decorate my house and I burn a fall scented candle. That's about it.
I've ran into an issue with my recovery. I've come to realize that there are things I can and cannot control. I can control my response to things. However I've found at times by doing so, particularly with anger, I sort of bottle things up. It doesn't just go away. For example: say I'm in a situation where I start to get angry. Baby is fussy and hubby is nagging. Or, I'm in line at a grocery store and someone cuts in front of me. I try to think about what control I have, and I find I have very little control. I try to be empathetic. Baby is crying because he needs something, not to make me angry. Hubby doesn't understand. Person cutting me off has their own thing going on, etc. I try really hard not to get angry because I know it will backfire. I won't benefit from losing my temper. The outcome usually proves to be beneficial for me and those around me. But sometimes that anger still lingers. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "what about me?!" Why do I always have to be the patient one? I want to tell the person in front of me to stick it you know where rather than smiling politely and TRYING to understand. Where is that anger supposed to go? What am I supposed to do with it? It feels like it's energy that needs to be released by at least a dirty look or a snide remark. I never thought I was an angry person but I find myself struggling with patience. ESPECIALLY since I've become a parent. I know the whole world doesn't revolve around me and I try not to take it personally but when my baby is screaming at the grocery store and you cut in front of me I can't help it but take it very personally. Does any of this make sense?
Glee, I used to clean like that when I drank too. Actually, I'd drink and clean. Drinking somehow gave me energy. However, I'd get weirdly OCD and get so focused on one thing that I'd miss the big picture. Example: Intending to clean the bathroom, but end up doing a deep clean on the shower. Result: Extremely clean shower. Dirty bathroom. I've also found that I'm much more productive doing bit by bit.
I still love fall time but it has turned into kind of a spooky time for me too. I don't know what it is about it, but I feel like I drank heaviest during the fall. So, sometimes I get the heebee geebees thinking about it. Same with Christmas. It's hard to explain. It just feels so dark sometimes. I get homesick too. Here in Texas there isn't much of a fall. Not like Utah. In Utah fall time meant leaves changing, deer season, gathering wood for the winter, canning fruits and vegetables harvested before the freeze, cool crisp air, the smell of chimney smoke... here in Texas it's... 80 degrees. I decorate my house and I burn a fall scented candle. That's about it.
I've ran into an issue with my recovery. I've come to realize that there are things I can and cannot control. I can control my response to things. However I've found at times by doing so, particularly with anger, I sort of bottle things up. It doesn't just go away. For example: say I'm in a situation where I start to get angry. Baby is fussy and hubby is nagging. Or, I'm in line at a grocery store and someone cuts in front of me. I try to think about what control I have, and I find I have very little control. I try to be empathetic. Baby is crying because he needs something, not to make me angry. Hubby doesn't understand. Person cutting me off has their own thing going on, etc. I try really hard not to get angry because I know it will backfire. I won't benefit from losing my temper. The outcome usually proves to be beneficial for me and those around me. But sometimes that anger still lingers. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "what about me?!" Why do I always have to be the patient one? I want to tell the person in front of me to stick it you know where rather than smiling politely and TRYING to understand. Where is that anger supposed to go? What am I supposed to do with it? It feels like it's energy that needs to be released by at least a dirty look or a snide remark. I never thought I was an angry person but I find myself struggling with patience. ESPECIALLY since I've become a parent. I know the whole world doesn't revolve around me and I try not to take it personally but when my baby is screaming at the grocery store and you cut in front of me I can't help it but take it very personally. Does any of this make sense?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Hi Febbies
Lulu - We all still have more "firsts" to go through, including the holidays. The holidays are a highly emotionally wrought time of year for so many people. I'm just learning how to clean the kitchen sober, never mind navigate the emotional land mines of the holidays. It's no surprise that you're getting the heebie-jeebies. It's going to be really different this year.
I'm looking forward to doing all the holiday decorating, shopping and wrapping without the bondage of alcohol, and distraction of being ticked off that it's cutting into my drinking time. I also have support that I can turn to at the very first sign of struggle. I can call my sponsor. I can go to an AA meeting. I can log onto SR. Having support is so important when navigating challenges.
Acceptance and letting go, for me, is how I handle the immutable facts about my life - my family of origin, the choices I've made, where I live, my job, etc.
Acceptance and letting go are not how I address the hurdles in everyday life, though. If someone cuts me in line, I can say, "excuse me, I was next." If my husband nags me, I can tell him why I feel he's being unfair. If they continue their troubling behavior, I can accept the lesson it teaches me and let go of my reaction to it.
Earlier this week, my husband was nagging me about my parents. I told him that he wasn't being fair directing his anger towards them to me. I am not anyone's emotional dumping ground (anymore).
As for your baby, he's still too little to do much more than be patient.
Sorry!
Lulu - We all still have more "firsts" to go through, including the holidays. The holidays are a highly emotionally wrought time of year for so many people. I'm just learning how to clean the kitchen sober, never mind navigate the emotional land mines of the holidays. It's no surprise that you're getting the heebie-jeebies. It's going to be really different this year.
I'm looking forward to doing all the holiday decorating, shopping and wrapping without the bondage of alcohol, and distraction of being ticked off that it's cutting into my drinking time. I also have support that I can turn to at the very first sign of struggle. I can call my sponsor. I can go to an AA meeting. I can log onto SR. Having support is so important when navigating challenges.
Acceptance and letting go, for me, is how I handle the immutable facts about my life - my family of origin, the choices I've made, where I live, my job, etc.
Acceptance and letting go are not how I address the hurdles in everyday life, though. If someone cuts me in line, I can say, "excuse me, I was next." If my husband nags me, I can tell him why I feel he's being unfair. If they continue their troubling behavior, I can accept the lesson it teaches me and let go of my reaction to it.
Earlier this week, my husband was nagging me about my parents. I told him that he wasn't being fair directing his anger towards them to me. I am not anyone's emotional dumping ground (anymore).
As for your baby, he's still too little to do much more than be patient.
Sorry!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 436
Torn, you sound great! Keep reminding yourself of how it feels to wake up in the morning, clear headed and without a hangover. Honestly that one act alone pulled me through the first few months or so. I'd get a strong craving and when I didn't act on it and woke up the next morning sober, I used that feeling to power me through the day. You're doing great and keep posting!!!
Lulu, for me I think depression came after my drinking became out of hand. Like you, alcohol gave me energy and that kept me going and then the next morning/early afternoon were spent in bed until I could get moving again with the alcohol. A horrible, vicious cycle.
In the first few months after I stopped drinking, I had a very short fuse. Anything and everything could set me off. I realized I was never a great communicator. I was big on preaching the virtues of communication to my children and husband, but me personally? I sucked at it. I'm still a work in progress, but it's getting better. I think.
And while it's true that the world doesn't revolve around us, we have the right to our feelings as well. That is one of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around and I'm still working on that. I will now say to my husband, if I'm having a bad day, that I need a break and he'll take over. I remember those days when my kids were very little. It can be challenging at times. So be kind to yourself!
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Lulu, for me I think depression came after my drinking became out of hand. Like you, alcohol gave me energy and that kept me going and then the next morning/early afternoon were spent in bed until I could get moving again with the alcohol. A horrible, vicious cycle.
In the first few months after I stopped drinking, I had a very short fuse. Anything and everything could set me off. I realized I was never a great communicator. I was big on preaching the virtues of communication to my children and husband, but me personally? I sucked at it. I'm still a work in progress, but it's getting better. I think.
And while it's true that the world doesn't revolve around us, we have the right to our feelings as well. That is one of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around and I'm still working on that. I will now say to my husband, if I'm having a bad day, that I need a break and he'll take over. I remember those days when my kids were very little. It can be challenging at times. So be kind to yourself!
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,881
Lulu - I don't really have any suggestions on controlling anger but something that helped me in my early sobriety was keeping things simple, focusing on the immediately urgent issues (namely, caring for my Mom,) and letting the small stuff slide (and, believe me, much - like housekeeping - slid, and in the end it didn't really matter). Out of desperation, I was forced to re-focus and I found that it really helped. I hired a cleaning service to clean only the high traffic areas every three weeks. With the money not spent on wine, I purchased a Roomba (and then a second one; wine is expensive!!!! - FYI the cheaper Roomba models are just fine); I turned them on before I left the house in the morning to spend the day with my Mom and came home late at night to clean floors. Christmas cards went by the wayside for two years; if I couldn't reciprocate a dinner invitation, well - I just couldn't.
By keeping things simple, I found that I was able to maintain what sanity I had left. Sobriety is hard work; keeping up with life can be hard work; I had to convince myself not to make it any harder and I do think it helped.
By keeping things simple, I found that I was able to maintain what sanity I had left. Sobriety is hard work; keeping up with life can be hard work; I had to convince myself not to make it any harder and I do think it helped.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
Hi everyone,
Just checking in. Not much is going on here today. Hubby is out practicing his golf swing. Me and baby went for a walk and now he's taking a nap. Later we'll probably go for some lunch.
I really don't have much going on in my life right now, but that's OK. Sometimes life is crazy and sometime it has little breaks like this. I think all of you are right in that I just need to keep things simple sometimes. Take things one at a time and bit by bit. One of the biggest challenges I've had in sobriety is acceptance. That includes accepting myself as well as the things around me. Sometimes I need to just accept that I'm angry and make a choice whether I'll do something about it or not. Sometimes I'll be angry because of certain things I can't control around me. I can then choose what to do with that anger. It usually goes away after a while I suppose. I'll just keep doing my best I guess. I have a 1 year old and that takes a lot of patience to handle. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm no zen master. Zen masters don't usually have kids. They're monks and they live on the top of a mountain where it's super quiet all the time. You never seen zen masters with cheerios stuck in their hair standing in line at Target with a screaming baby.
I hope everyone is doing well. I'm very proud of you all, febbies.
Just checking in. Not much is going on here today. Hubby is out practicing his golf swing. Me and baby went for a walk and now he's taking a nap. Later we'll probably go for some lunch.
I really don't have much going on in my life right now, but that's OK. Sometimes life is crazy and sometime it has little breaks like this. I think all of you are right in that I just need to keep things simple sometimes. Take things one at a time and bit by bit. One of the biggest challenges I've had in sobriety is acceptance. That includes accepting myself as well as the things around me. Sometimes I need to just accept that I'm angry and make a choice whether I'll do something about it or not. Sometimes I'll be angry because of certain things I can't control around me. I can then choose what to do with that anger. It usually goes away after a while I suppose. I'll just keep doing my best I guess. I have a 1 year old and that takes a lot of patience to handle. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm no zen master. Zen masters don't usually have kids. They're monks and they live on the top of a mountain where it's super quiet all the time. You never seen zen masters with cheerios stuck in their hair standing in line at Target with a screaming baby.
I hope everyone is doing well. I'm very proud of you all, febbies.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
Good morning February friends,
It has been a while since I've posted. I feel the need to reach out for support but don't feel comfortable on the newcomer page since I've been around this block so often. I'm so sick of this pattern I've created for myself.. A string of sober days (usually a week or two) followed by a week of nightly drinking until I get myself to the point where I miss sobriety and I'm back at it again. This really has been going on for a couple of years more or less and it's all great when I'm sober but I can't seem to make it last. I try to understand what leads me back to drinking and honestly I think it's feeling so good that either fool myself that I can feel good AND drink, or I just sabotage myself and maybe become scared and overwhelmed by the clarity and goodness of sobriety, if that makes sense. And when I'm faced with a craving and the opportunity, if I don't put up the fight, I cave and I'm right back at it. Part of me is beginning to think that I'm now addicted to this high /low cycle.
I know you guys get it, and I am so inspire by your journeys. It all starts with today. I know I won't drink today because I'm just sick of it. I have no excuses, this is just my own battle in my mind. SR is such a huge help to me, but maybe I need to reach out rather than just read. So here I am. Again. It's truly amazing what this poison can do to your soul.
It has been a while since I've posted. I feel the need to reach out for support but don't feel comfortable on the newcomer page since I've been around this block so often. I'm so sick of this pattern I've created for myself.. A string of sober days (usually a week or two) followed by a week of nightly drinking until I get myself to the point where I miss sobriety and I'm back at it again. This really has been going on for a couple of years more or less and it's all great when I'm sober but I can't seem to make it last. I try to understand what leads me back to drinking and honestly I think it's feeling so good that either fool myself that I can feel good AND drink, or I just sabotage myself and maybe become scared and overwhelmed by the clarity and goodness of sobriety, if that makes sense. And when I'm faced with a craving and the opportunity, if I don't put up the fight, I cave and I'm right back at it. Part of me is beginning to think that I'm now addicted to this high /low cycle.
I know you guys get it, and I am so inspire by your journeys. It all starts with today. I know I won't drink today because I'm just sick of it. I have no excuses, this is just my own battle in my mind. SR is such a huge help to me, but maybe I need to reach out rather than just read. So here I am. Again. It's truly amazing what this poison can do to your soul.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
I seriously don't know LT. I know I am most successful when I stay close to sr and read a lot of recovery related books. Journaling helps and taking it easy on myself. At this point, I feel I have the tools and knowledge, it's just a matter of sticking to my commitment no matter what. I know I hate how I feel today .. Even more mentally than physically. I'm just sick of putting myself through this when I know what the end result will always Always be. Alcohol is detrimental to my quality of life. I can't just drink one or two or one night and then stop. I need to accept that this will never change and the only answer is complete abstinence.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Fabl - The Newcomer section of SR is full of amazing advice that helped me stop drinking. It's always good to see you on the February thread, though. There are lots of reasons why I may have chosen to drink, but sometimes in the beginning it's easiest to keep it simple (as referenced by SoberLeigh and dSober above) - I'm an alcoholic.
I've always been a fairly insightful person who was interested in the deeper reasons behind my actions, but all the soul searching and psyche prodding came to a standstill every time I chose to drink. Being an active alcoholic mucks up the enlightenment process. In sobriety I've taken off into directions I always wanted, but never knew how to attain.
Keeping an open mind is one of the most beneficial things I've done. Gratitude, acceptance, and authenticity are things that I once dismissed as simplistic, yet have become the cornerstones of my recovery. Being willing to hear the messages in a variety of recovery resources, take what I needed and leave the rest behind, has transformed my life.
I know you can do this Fabl.
I've always been a fairly insightful person who was interested in the deeper reasons behind my actions, but all the soul searching and psyche prodding came to a standstill every time I chose to drink. Being an active alcoholic mucks up the enlightenment process. In sobriety I've taken off into directions I always wanted, but never knew how to attain.
Keeping an open mind is one of the most beneficial things I've done. Gratitude, acceptance, and authenticity are things that I once dismissed as simplistic, yet have become the cornerstones of my recovery. Being willing to hear the messages in a variety of recovery resources, take what I needed and leave the rest behind, has transformed my life.
I know you can do this Fabl.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by Lulupalooza
I'm no zen master. Zen masters don't usually have kids. They're monks and they live on the top of a mountain where it's super quiet all the time. You never seen zen masters with cheerios stuck in their hair standing in line at Target with a screaming baby.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
Hello Febs,
Busy-ish day today. Went to a playdate this morning that my neighbor invited me to. I didn't know anyone, but I did my best to mingle. Believe me when I say it was a Yoga Pants Fest. I hate to say it but having a baby has helped out this introvert quite a bit. Not only do I not have to attend social events by myself anymore but he always gives me an out of awkward social situations.
Other than that, poor baby is sick. Another reason I didn't want to stay at the playdate for very long. I didn't want to get any of the other kiddies sick. Of course it's the most inopportune time. I have a lot on my schedule this week. Oh well.
Today I read something about a woman who was charged with a DWI in my area yesterday. Apparently she ran into the median and she had a child passenger with her. It was kind of a wake up call for me. It's scary that I can actually see how that would happen. That could have easily been me. Fortunately I've never driven drunk with my child, but like I said, I can totally see how that would happen. Everyone was OK but I'm sure that lady's life just changed a whole bunch. I'm so so so grateful for my recovery today.
Busy-ish day today. Went to a playdate this morning that my neighbor invited me to. I didn't know anyone, but I did my best to mingle. Believe me when I say it was a Yoga Pants Fest. I hate to say it but having a baby has helped out this introvert quite a bit. Not only do I not have to attend social events by myself anymore but he always gives me an out of awkward social situations.
Other than that, poor baby is sick. Another reason I didn't want to stay at the playdate for very long. I didn't want to get any of the other kiddies sick. Of course it's the most inopportune time. I have a lot on my schedule this week. Oh well.
Today I read something about a woman who was charged with a DWI in my area yesterday. Apparently she ran into the median and she had a child passenger with her. It was kind of a wake up call for me. It's scary that I can actually see how that would happen. That could have easily been me. Fortunately I've never driven drunk with my child, but like I said, I can totally see how that would happen. Everyone was OK but I'm sure that lady's life just changed a whole bunch. I'm so so so grateful for my recovery today.
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