Class of October 2013 - Part 8
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
Great job, Trudging!
My immediate temptation is at the end of a stressful day. The day is over and I'm catching a little quiet time on the couch watching TV. This is when I want to check out even more by drinking. I don't want to enjoy a single drink. I want to mentally unplug and drink to excess. My "Me" time.
In writing that, I know that the drinking wouldn't stop there. The next day I would want to drink earlier ... right after work, say, before the evening activities get under way. Then it would be even earlier in the day on a weekend. You all know the drill.
I used the word "temptation", but that may be a bit strong. The idea crosses my mind (more of a knee jerk reaction to events), but I have zero intention of drinking as I know full well where it will lead.
My immediate temptation is at the end of a stressful day. The day is over and I'm catching a little quiet time on the couch watching TV. This is when I want to check out even more by drinking. I don't want to enjoy a single drink. I want to mentally unplug and drink to excess. My "Me" time.
In writing that, I know that the drinking wouldn't stop there. The next day I would want to drink earlier ... right after work, say, before the evening activities get under way. Then it would be even earlier in the day on a weekend. You all know the drill.
I used the word "temptation", but that may be a bit strong. The idea crosses my mind (more of a knee jerk reaction to events), but I have zero intention of drinking as I know full well where it will lead.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
Originally Posted by WhoDey 
Great job, Trudging!
My immediate temptation is at the end of a stressful day. The day is over and I'm catching a little quiet time on the couch watching TV. This is when I want to check out even more by drinking. I don't want to enjoy a single drink. I want to mentally unplug and drink to excess. My "Me" time.
In writing that, I know that the drinking wouldn't stop there. The next day I would want to drink earlier ... right after work, say, before the evening activities get under way. Then it would be even earlier in the day on a weekend. You all know the drill.
I used the word "temptation", but that may be a bit strong. The idea crosses my mind (more of a knee jerk reaction to events), but I have zero intention of drinking as I know full well where it will lead.
My immediate temptation is at the end of a stressful day. The day is over and I'm catching a little quiet time on the couch watching TV. This is when I want to check out even more by drinking. I don't want to enjoy a single drink. I want to mentally unplug and drink to excess. My "Me" time.
In writing that, I know that the drinking wouldn't stop there. The next day I would want to drink earlier ... right after work, say, before the evening activities get under way. Then it would be even earlier in the day on a weekend. You all know the drill.
I used the word "temptation", but that may be a bit strong. The idea crosses my mind (more of a knee jerk reaction to events), but I have zero intention of drinking as I know full well where it will lead.
Going to a 3 day men's retreat starting tomorrow. It should be interesting if the opportunity presents itself for me to talk about my sobriety. I only know one other guy who will be there so it should be interesting. I've never done anything like this so I will be way out of my comfort zone. I'd have to guess that it is through a church that there will be no drinking there. At least I would hope.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South East US
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by SoberMarathon
Here's my thought of the day. I have been reading posts from various threads and it seems there are a number of folks out there who have relapsed after years of sobriety, sometimes even 5-10. It is slightly daunting to read these stories about people who clearly held it together for very extended periods and eventually relapsed. I know this shouldn't discourage any of us (hey I'm the king of relapse in this thread), but even having 90 days or 180 days or more doesn't necessarily mean that we are ever really in the clear.
Thoughts? Just scares me a bit, that's all.
Thoughts? Just scares me a bit, that's all.
Over the past 4 months there have been 3 times that I would describe as "crucial" in my quest for lasting sobriety. The last of these was about one month in when realizing that, try as I might, I would never be able to cram sobriety into a destination. It would never be “done”. It was always going to be a journey….for life. This realization pissed me off to no end at the time.
I consulted you all.
Sober, it was you that provided me the answers/support that got me over the hump. Your response was so meaningful and instrumental that I saved it. I stil find it useful. Anyway, here's what you said:
it sucks that sobriety is going to be a life-long mission from now until the end. Call it a battle, a struggle, a disease, whatever you want...it's always going to be there in some way, shape, or form.
Nonetheless - you're fighting a good battle, a battle worth fighting for, one with purpose, and one that has a positive goal in mind.
When I first and finally admitted to myself I was a serious drunk and needed to do something about it - check my first posts last December when I joined SR - I had a huge sense of relief. For me it wasn't that a battle was beginning, it was that one was ending. One that had gone on far too long. Trying to control my drinking, to moderate, to fit-in, to be like everyone else: that battle was finally over. I had this massive sense of relief knowing that I didn't have to do that anymore, that I wouldn't have to feel embarrassed, ashamed, or wondering what the hell I did last night anymore. Ending that 'battle' was the greatest decision I could of made and, although this year has been a different kind of 'battle' as I learn how to make sobriety be a permanent aspect of my life, I know I'm going to win this one. The alternative was a losing battle I never had a chance at winning.
So, my thoughts...
You're right; we're never in the clear.
And, again, you're right; the battle that constitutes us remaining in the clear beats the drinking battle.
You made me realize something so simple: I was just trading battles. And the new one was far better than the old one. Cool, right?
Comment on your slips: SM, you may have slipped a few times. But you keep coming back and working awfully hard EVERY time. I think you are just steps from the finish line. Whether you have no more slips, one more slip, or however many, I have a feeling that very soon, your just gonna throw your hands up and say "done, no more" and walk away forever. I really believe that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South East US
Posts: 426
jl, big day for you, big moves, proud to know you.
trudging, nice job playing it out (and great names!)
whodey, you are one thoughtful dude. thanks for consistently good stuff.
bilr, AKA - the rock! - hope you have a great retreat. I siuspect you will bring much to the group bud...have fun.
trudging, nice job playing it out (and great names!)
whodey, you are one thoughtful dude. thanks for consistently good stuff.
bilr, AKA - the rock! - hope you have a great retreat. I siuspect you will bring much to the group bud...have fun.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
Originally Posted by trudgingagain
WD, congrats on 3 months! Just yesterday, with all of the stress/anxiety that I am dealing with right now, I REALLY wanted a drink. We still have two bottles of wine in the house...I thought about them yesterday...began to rationalize..."Well, if I have a glass, I don't have to say anything"...."One glass doesn't mean anything"..."So what if I just get smashed today? Who cares?", " I am not hurting anyone but myself"..yada yada. THEN....I thought the drink through....one??? Who am I kidding? Do I REALLY want to feel like crap in the morning? Will I start this rollercoaster again? (yes) "Why would I do that to myself?" etc. I even thought about an AV .... in the end....I didn't drink....YAY! And...today...I am sober and have no guilt, remorse, self-pity, incomprehensible demoralization....and I feel great (still stressed, but able to deal with it) 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
Originally Posted by SoberMarathon
Here's my thought of the day. I have been reading posts from various threads and it seems there are a number of folks out there who have relapsed after years of sobriety, sometimes even 5-10. It is slightly daunting to read these stories about people who clearly held it together for very extended periods and eventually relapsed. I know this shouldn't discourage any of us (hey I'm the king of relapse in this thread), but even having 90 days or 180 days or more doesn't necessarily mean that we are ever really in the clear.
Thoughts? Just scares me a bit, that's all.
Thoughts? Just scares me a bit, that's all.
Sobriety cannot be compared between people The only comparison I let my mind entertain is this: the comparison with my life when I was drinking...... against my sober life.
And actually there IS no comparison!
If you're going to compare yourself, then compare yourself to the success stories, the ones that speAk to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
Originally Posted by EternalQ
This may sound simplistic but I steer myself clear of these thoughts honestly. If I'm scsred than that's the AV's chance. If my mind goes there, I bring it back.
Sobriety cannot be compared between people The only comparison I let my mind entertain is this: the comparison with my life when I was drinking...... against my sober life.
And actually there IS no comparison!
If you're going to compare yourself, then compare yourself to the success stories, the ones that speAk to you.
Sobriety cannot be compared between people The only comparison I let my mind entertain is this: the comparison with my life when I was drinking...... against my sober life.
And actually there IS no comparison!
If you're going to compare yourself, then compare yourself to the success stories, the ones that speAk to you.
JL2013
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Ga
Posts: 138
Wow. Things aren't terrible- I go in tomorrow to play catchup and start catching shifts next week. At home with wife and kids tonight. I have this terrible paralyzing depression for some reason. I think it's related to alcohol, but I've not really felt this crappy before. Geez. Maybe just delayed reaction to tremendous stress. I start taking this medication called campral- supposed to help abstain from alcohol. We'll see. Still having to struggle, but just by typing these thoughts, I can see that my life is worth the trouble. These past 6 months I lost a lot of weight, probably seemed to get healthier, but oddly enough, started geveloping this weird fear of aging, and dying. Maybe I was telling myself that I've been slowly dying from drinking. The fight goes on. Wow. I hope tomorrow is better. Depression sucks. Not used to it at all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 678
Originally Posted by Driver1
SM, Over the past 4 months there have been 3 times that I would describe as "crucial" in my quest for lasting sobriety. The last of these was about one month in when realizing that, try as I might, I would never be able to cram sobriety into a destination. It would never be “done”. It was always going to be a journey….for life. This realization pissed me off to no end at the time. I consulted you all. Sober, it was you that provided me the answers/support that got me over the hump. Your response was so meaningful and instrumental that I saved it. I stil find it useful. Anyway, here's what you said: it sucks that sobriety is going to be a life-long mission from now until the end. Call it a battle, a struggle, a disease, whatever you want...it's always going to be there in some way, shape, or form. Nonetheless - you're fighting a good battle, a battle worth fighting for, one with purpose, and one that has a positive goal in mind. When I first and finally admitted to myself I was a serious drunk and needed to do something about it - check my first posts last December when I joined SR - I had a huge sense of relief. For me it wasn't that a battle was beginning, it was that one was ending. One that had gone on far too long. Trying to control my drinking, to moderate, to fit-in, to be like everyone else: that battle was finally over. I had this massive sense of relief knowing that I didn't have to do that anymore, that I wouldn't have to feel embarrassed, ashamed, or wondering what the hell I did last night anymore. Ending that 'battle' was the greatest decision I could of made and, although this year has been a different kind of 'battle' as I learn how to make sobriety be a permanent aspect of my life, I know I'm going to win this one. The alternative was a losing battle I never had a chance at winning. So, my thoughts... You're right; we're never in the clear. And, again, you're right; the battle that constitutes us remaining in the clear beats the drinking battle. You made me realize something so simple: I was just trading battles. And the new one was far better than the old one. Cool, right? Comment on your slips: SM, you may have slipped a few times. But you keep coming back and working awfully hard EVERY time. I think you are just steps from the finish line. Whether you have no more slips, one more slip, or however many, I have a feeling that very soon, your just gonna throw your hands up and say "done, no more" and walk away forever. I really believe that.
I also agree with you that I'm just steps from the finish line. I've made a lot of progress during the past 6 plus months, had more than 180 sober days collectively, completely given up booze at home and with family, and made some headway socially. Still I have to master the last part. I have such a bare social life, I rarely get to practice being sober with friends. I believe this is the final challenge in my permanent sobriety. Eventually things will click, they have to.
JL2013
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Ga
Posts: 138
Dee ,
Been to a dr, where she prescribed that medication, and recovery support. SR. Has made a huge difference in my life. I'm just on the road getting out of more than 1 jam in my life. A lot of times things aren't as bad as we feel like it. I got up yesterday and got on the treadmill in the morning, rather than in the late afternoon ( working nights ), and got a dizzy rude awakening, as to how bad working nights has been for me personally. I read that the morning exercise is the fastest way to return the body's normal sleeping habits. Gonna have to use melatonin for a while probably, but apnea was always an issue for me. Use a Cpap machine now, and get better sleep. Was so worn out and in the dumps, a meeting was out of the question, but today's a new day, and if I can swing some childcare for my 5 yr old, I might try to catch a day meeting. I found an evening one to, so there's not much excuse not to try one, barring the daily drama of life. Today is a better day. Been needing one of those.
Great posts Driver and SM. Thanks to all for the kind thoughts, lately!
Been to a dr, where she prescribed that medication, and recovery support. SR. Has made a huge difference in my life. I'm just on the road getting out of more than 1 jam in my life. A lot of times things aren't as bad as we feel like it. I got up yesterday and got on the treadmill in the morning, rather than in the late afternoon ( working nights ), and got a dizzy rude awakening, as to how bad working nights has been for me personally. I read that the morning exercise is the fastest way to return the body's normal sleeping habits. Gonna have to use melatonin for a while probably, but apnea was always an issue for me. Use a Cpap machine now, and get better sleep. Was so worn out and in the dumps, a meeting was out of the question, but today's a new day, and if I can swing some childcare for my 5 yr old, I might try to catch a day meeting. I found an evening one to, so there's not much excuse not to try one, barring the daily drama of life. Today is a better day. Been needing one of those.
Great posts Driver and SM. Thanks to all for the kind thoughts, lately!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Some great and inspirational posts, here! I, too, choose to battle for life, not alcohol. As for a "plan" to keep alcohol "so close"....hmmmm....never really thought too much about it. It IS way back in a cupboard...it's not really a thought, one way or the other, however I must admit that I did remember that it was there the other day. Think I will throw it out today. It is my birthday today, so I deserve that present....being "free" from ANY alcohol. A bit depressed this morning....hubby and I have been so engrossed in all of this tax sh** that last night he didn't even realize that today was my birthday. Yeah, we are kinda old for birthdays....but, still....There is this "thing" in the back of my head....Last year on HIS birthday, it was ME who planned a big party, complete with friends, lots of food, preparation, etc., etc. Kinda feeling a bit cheated....but, I really don't want a "party" anyway....I think this is just attached to some "party" history that we have. For his 50th, I threw a FABULOUS surprise party....gift was a chartered yacht through the Grenadine Islands....with a stay at the end in Bequia....for mine...I gotta say....a crappy party attended by mainly his friends....the gift was a trip here (to Costa Rica) and we ended up buying a condo....hmmmm....I know it is not about "gifts"....but, for this year, at least, could it just be about remembering?????? I HATE it when he says, "What do you want to do for your birthday?" OK...enough of that.....too old for this sh** anyway....lol. Miss my girls today. Gonna go to the beach, get a massage, and then out to dinner.....AND....toss the wine in the cupboard
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
Originally Posted by trudgingagain
Some great and inspirational posts, here! I, too, choose to battle for life, not alcohol. As for a "plan" to keep alcohol "so close"....hmmmm....never really thought too much about it. It IS way back in a cupboard...it's not really a thought, one way or the other, however I must admit that I did remember that it was there the other day. Think I will throw it out today. It is my birthday today, so I deserve that present....being "free" from ANY alcohol. A bit depressed this morning....hubby and I have been so engrossed in all of this tax sh** that last night he didn't even realize that today was my birthday. Yeah, we are kinda old for birthdays....but, still....There is this "thing" in the back of my head....Last year on HIS birthday, it was ME who planned a big party, complete with friends, lots of food, preparation, etc., etc. Kinda feeling a bit cheated....but, I really don't want a "party" anyway....I think this is just attached to some "party" history that we have. For his 50th, I threw a FABULOUS surprise party....gift was a chartered yacht through the Grenadine Islands....with a stay at the end in Bequia....for mine...I gotta say....a crappy party attended by mainly his friends....the gift was a trip here (to Costa Rica) and we ended up buying a condo....hmmmm....I know it is not about "gifts"....but, for this year, at least, could it just be about remembering?????? I HATE it when he says, "What do you want to do for your birthday?" OK...enough of that.....too old for this sh** anyway....lol. Miss my girls today. Gonna go to the beach, get a massage, and then out to dinner.....AND....toss the wine in the cupboard
We have every type of alcohol imaginable in our house. But if it was going to be a temptation I would have drank it already. I think that you are set on quitting, this won't be a temptation. After all, I could drive down the road 1 mile and get whatever I want.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
Happy birthday, Trudging!
Quick fly by ... just saw an interview with Elizabeth Vargas on ABC where she discusses her battle with alcoholism. Wow ... she sounded like all of us! She talked about how she used drinking to cope with anxiety, how exhausting it had become to hide her drinking, and how she is learning to handle emotions she used to bury. The interview and more will be on 20/20 tonight. I recommend watching if possible.
Have a great day everyone! Hoping the mercury moves above zero sometime today! Bundle up and stay warm!
Quick fly by ... just saw an interview with Elizabeth Vargas on ABC where she discusses her battle with alcoholism. Wow ... she sounded like all of us! She talked about how she used drinking to cope with anxiety, how exhausting it had become to hide her drinking, and how she is learning to handle emotions she used to bury. The interview and more will be on 20/20 tonight. I recommend watching if possible.
Have a great day everyone! Hoping the mercury moves above zero sometime today! Bundle up and stay warm!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 358
Driver - Alexandra is so sweet! Love her big beautiful eyes! So alert already!
SM - what you said in Driver's post a couple months back. Love that. It is so true. Drinking was hard work for me. Keeping everything straight, always having enough booze, beating myself up - that took a lot of energy and time. After a couple of months of not drinking, FINALLY, I do not think about it all the time anymore. What a relief. Seriously.
So the only time I think about drinking now is when dealing with the divorce (just had to approve the papers for filing today) and my soon to be ex. I love the guy and it makes me sad that his day to day won't be a part of mine anymore. I know its for the best and that I will be better for it on the other side. Just getting there is tough. Sometimes the stress of it triggers my mind - hey lets go get a bottle of wine and just say f**k it all. I won't do that because it would just mean giving him yet another piece of me for nothing in return. *sigh*
Thank you all for being here. For listening and for sharing your struggles with me. It really helps keep me centered.
SM - what you said in Driver's post a couple months back. Love that. It is so true. Drinking was hard work for me. Keeping everything straight, always having enough booze, beating myself up - that took a lot of energy and time. After a couple of months of not drinking, FINALLY, I do not think about it all the time anymore. What a relief. Seriously.
So the only time I think about drinking now is when dealing with the divorce (just had to approve the papers for filing today) and my soon to be ex. I love the guy and it makes me sad that his day to day won't be a part of mine anymore. I know its for the best and that I will be better for it on the other side. Just getting there is tough. Sometimes the stress of it triggers my mind - hey lets go get a bottle of wine and just say f**k it all. I won't do that because it would just mean giving him yet another piece of me for nothing in return. *sigh*
Thank you all for being here. For listening and for sharing your struggles with me. It really helps keep me centered.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 358
Originally Posted by JL2013
Wow. Things aren't terrible- I go in tomorrow to play catchup and start catching shifts next week. At home with wife and kids tonight. I have this terrible paralyzing depression for some reason. I think it's related to alcohol, but I've not really felt this crappy before. Geez. Maybe just delayed reaction to tremendous stress. I start taking this medication called campral- supposed to help abstain from alcohol. We'll see. Still having to struggle, but just by typing these thoughts, I can see that my life is worth the trouble. These past 6 months I lost a lot of weight, probably seemed to get healthier, but oddly enough, started geveloping this weird fear of aging, and dying. Maybe I was telling myself that I've been slowly dying from drinking. The fight goes on. Wow. I hope tomorrow is better. Depression sucks. Not used to it at all.
Either way, you know we are here for you! Keep talking about it and trying new things until you find what works. That reminds me, I worked nights as a CNA while going college (mid-20s, post kids). Working nights felt like living on a different planet! On my off days I was just recovering in time to go back to work again. What a hard thing to do!
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