Class of February 2013 Part 9
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 86
Hi all, checking 7 weeks sober 
Mentally feeling good but have a rotten flu....so in bed with lemon drinks....feeling very lonely. Boyfriend is out with his friend having drinks. He has turned very cold towards me (understandable as I haven't exactly been easy to live with the past year and have done some terrible things)....I know that I can only rely on myself to get through this journey but is it wrong to feel lonely and isolated? I only have myself to blame.....reap what you sew and all that.....I rang my mam in Ireland so that was nice to hear a friendly voice.....I hope you all all doing ok and as always am eternally grateful to you for being here. Much love xxx
Mentally feeling good but have a rotten flu....so in bed with lemon drinks....feeling very lonely. Boyfriend is out with his friend having drinks. He has turned very cold towards me (understandable as I haven't exactly been easy to live with the past year and have done some terrible things)....I know that I can only rely on myself to get through this journey but is it wrong to feel lonely and isolated? I only have myself to blame.....reap what you sew and all that.....I rang my mam in Ireland so that was nice to hear a friendly voice.....I hope you all all doing ok and as always am eternally grateful to you for being here. Much love xxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,530
Congratulations on 7 weeks firstweek!!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Sorry about the 'flu, and that's not good to hear that your boyfriend treats you that way.
I think the people who love us can learn to forgive and understand?
I get how lonely this must be for you.
Glad you got to talk with your 'mam'.
So many hugs, and tons of love and healing vibes headed your way!!
And love to all my Februbuddies.
V xx
Sorry about the 'flu, and that's not good to hear that your boyfriend treats you that way.
I think the people who love us can learn to forgive and understand?
I get how lonely this must be for you.
Glad you got to talk with your 'mam'.
So many hugs, and tons of love and healing vibes headed your way!!
And love to all my Februbuddies.
V xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 86
Thank you V...you sound like such a wonderful person and always have time for everybody. That's an incredible gift to us! 
How lovely to have chinese with your Dad! My BF is a very decent guy but he has been hurt and has a different way of dealing with his emotions/pain. It can be very exhausting to live with somebody like me! 
I know that I need to work on me and learn to love me before we can see where we are going. When he did get home he said that he still loves me but that it has been so exhausting for him that the only way he can deal with it is to concentrate on his life and for me to work on myself and then see. I think I had built up this sober time and expected to feel marvellous and everything to be great and it was until my ol' pal depression came a knockin last night .... I think he waits skulking in corners until things are going good and then steps in like the party police to spoil the fun LOL.!...
unfortunately one of the downsides of manic depression/bipolar or whatever its called these days (I like to simplify it by saying its more like an overwhelming sadness that envelops you - I believe Winston Churchill called it his black dog) . Anyhows through this episode last night I varied from tears to anger, rage, self loathing to eventually finding some peace through sleep. I woke this morning with an emptiness and sinking feeling and then looked out the window....its raining but instead of burying my head under the covers a little voice 'get out of bed and have a cup of tea and some toast' (the Irish solution to all woes!) So I did. We have a beautiful old Dutch house with big windows so I sat on the window ledge and had my tea. I looked out the window and saw the whole street covered in a blanket of Autumn leaves and I realised that through this long and lonely night not once had I thought about reaching for the bottle and at that point the darkness lifted (not totally) but enough to give me the energy to log on to my lap top and type this message. I know that I can't force this and that its going to take a lot of time and I need to learn patience. I guess time is a healer after all. Today we have a christening and all last night I was in a blind panic thinking how the hell am I go to get through the day (it is my b/f's family)....and then I realised I was actually being selfish because the day is about a little girl and so I am beating down that panic and putting on a smile for her. I sometimes feel a little bad because when I am posting I am always talking about myself! But I do think of you all and read your posts and am constantly encouraged and inspired by you all. Thanks for listening. Much love from Holland xxx 
How lovely to have chinese with your Dad! My BF is a very decent guy but he has been hurt and has a different way of dealing with his emotions/pain. It can be very exhausting to live with somebody like me! I know that I need to work on me and learn to love me before we can see where we are going. When he did get home he said that he still loves me but that it has been so exhausting for him that the only way he can deal with it is to concentrate on his life and for me to work on myself and then see. I think I had built up this sober time and expected to feel marvellous and everything to be great and it was until my ol' pal depression came a knockin last night .... I think he waits skulking in corners until things are going good and then steps in like the party police to spoil the fun LOL.!...unfortunately one of the downsides of manic depression/bipolar or whatever its called these days (I like to simplify it by saying its more like an overwhelming sadness that envelops you - I believe Winston Churchill called it his black dog) . Anyhows through this episode last night I varied from tears to anger, rage, self loathing to eventually finding some peace through sleep. I woke this morning with an emptiness and sinking feeling and then looked out the window....its raining but instead of burying my head under the covers a little voice 'get out of bed and have a cup of tea and some toast' (the Irish solution to all woes!) So I did. We have a beautiful old Dutch house with big windows so I sat on the window ledge and had my tea. I looked out the window and saw the whole street covered in a blanket of Autumn leaves and I realised that through this long and lonely night not once had I thought about reaching for the bottle and at that point the darkness lifted (not totally) but enough to give me the energy to log on to my lap top and type this message. I know that I can't force this and that its going to take a lot of time and I need to learn patience. I guess time is a healer after all. Today we have a christening and all last night I was in a blind panic thinking how the hell am I go to get through the day (it is my b/f's family)....and then I realised I was actually being selfish because the day is about a little girl and so I am beating down that panic and putting on a smile for her. I sometimes feel a little bad because when I am posting I am always talking about myself! But I do think of you all and read your posts and am constantly encouraged and inspired by you all. Thanks for listening. Much love from Holland xxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,530
firstweek ~ I know that black dog. And it is nowhere near as nice as the gorgeous black lab we had while I was growing up!!! 
Good that you decided to go to the christening. And awesome that you never thought of picking up through this hard night.
Yes, it is way harder sometimes than we ever thought it would be....no magic wand and all is OK. You know that expression "fake it till you make it"...it's a good one I think. Today will be a lovely family day, and even if it's way hard, I'm sure your boyfriend will appreciate you making the effort.
Which can only be a good thing.
And I love your new avatar.
OK...dinner time...with my limited cooking skills, and limited budget, I only have a few things I can do. It's omelette night.
Have a really good day!
Love V xx
Good that you decided to go to the christening. And awesome that you never thought of picking up through this hard night.
Yes, it is way harder sometimes than we ever thought it would be....no magic wand and all is OK. You know that expression "fake it till you make it"...it's a good one I think. Today will be a lovely family day, and even if it's way hard, I'm sure your boyfriend will appreciate you making the effort.
Which can only be a good thing.
And I love your new avatar.
OK...dinner time...with my limited cooking skills, and limited budget, I only have a few things I can do. It's omelette night.
Have a really good day!
Love V xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,031
My name is Melissa I am going to be great at my assignments !!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh handing fear OVER ok take it please what's going on with me guys feel like I've lost my confidence in everything even wanted to get dressed up go out and have glass of wine I'm all over the place so when I felt like it I said it but didn't act on it guess this course which I love I wanna do well and I'm scared so have to face it full on and usually I would drink so mayb that's why I wanted to drink ahhhhhhhhh
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,636
Hi Melissa - Funny, I'm in the EXACT same place - I've been procrastinating on my homework all day (doing other things that needed to get done, but not the big heavy lifting that would have been good to do today) because of some anxiety that I can't tell where it's coming from.
Sometimes I just have to remind myself that this is SCHOOL - it's not where we start, it's where we finish. If it wasn't challenging, then we wouldn't be here. Profs can pick up on passion and effort.
You ARE going to rock it!!!! (I'm going to go do my hmwk too)
Sometimes I just have to remind myself that this is SCHOOL - it's not where we start, it's where we finish. If it wasn't challenging, then we wouldn't be here. Profs can pick up on passion and effort.
You ARE going to rock it!!!! (I'm going to go do my hmwk too)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by SereneEdition 
Hi Melissa - Funny, I'm in the EXACT same place - I've been procrastinating on my homework all day (doing other things that needed to get done, but not the big heavy lifting that would have been good to do today) because of some anxiety that I can't tell where it's coming from.
Sometimes I just have to remind myself that this is SCHOOL - it's not where we start, it's where we finish. If it wasn't challenging, then we wouldn't be here. Profs can pick up on passion and effort.
You ARE going to rock it!!!! (I'm going to go do my hmwk too)
Sometimes I just have to remind myself that this is SCHOOL - it's not where we start, it's where we finish. If it wasn't challenging, then we wouldn't be here. Profs can pick up on passion and effort.
You ARE going to rock it!!!! (I'm going to go do my hmwk too)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,636
Hi Firstweek - Congrats on 7 weeks! Really glad you got to talk with your mom. That first cold can really just bring everything down.
At 7 weeks I felt quite raw emotionally - particularly when it was 'time of the month' or 'getting sick'. I read that it is part of our brains rewiring, and it seemed to be that way for me. Vitamins and/or exercise helped me starting about 2 months in - highly recommend them.
Speaking of which, I finally got my BUTT to do the errands and set up stuff that was keeping my health routine from running smoothly - so turning that bad habit boat around. Fridge has good healthy food that I want to eat! Roasted chicken was on sale, and I got 2 big bags of baby greens, and some taboulli from the salad bar - no excuses this week for not taking care of myself!
I also happened to buy a dress that looks really cute - and I'm going to wear it tomorrow
V- hope you and your dad had a lovely meal!
At 7 weeks I felt quite raw emotionally - particularly when it was 'time of the month' or 'getting sick'. I read that it is part of our brains rewiring, and it seemed to be that way for me. Vitamins and/or exercise helped me starting about 2 months in - highly recommend them.
Speaking of which, I finally got my BUTT to do the errands and set up stuff that was keeping my health routine from running smoothly - so turning that bad habit boat around. Fridge has good healthy food that I want to eat! Roasted chicken was on sale, and I got 2 big bags of baby greens, and some taboulli from the salad bar - no excuses this week for not taking care of myself!
I also happened to buy a dress that looks really cute - and I'm going to wear it tomorrow
V- hope you and your dad had a lovely meal!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 86
Hi All, yesterday evening was a very sad day. My partner of six years told me that he doesn't see a future for us and wants a break. I was devastated but yet I understand. It is not easy to live with a bipolar who was addicted to alcohol. I'm broken hearted because I made it two months without drinking and am due to start my treatment (for all of my stuff) on Tuesday....it seems like I made it so far....I have to admit that when I sat alone for an hour I did think about drinking (anything) my drink of choice was always white wine and as there was none in the house I even looked at the hard liquor which I have never drank but a voice inside me said I would make the situation even worse and to be honest I didn't want it anyway so I cried some, spoke to my sister in Dublin and went to bed. My partner came home a few hours later and we talked for a while....it was probably the first time we talked so openly in about six years. I am almost 40 and told him that I wanted to understand my illness and get the help I need and I don't want to live the next 40 years swinging for mania to crushing lows. I told him that because I loved him and understood how hard it is for him and that he should go live his life (the hardest thing I have ever done). He told me he loved me and that I was always his Number 1 girl. I did manage to get some sleep and have just woken this morning. The blanket of sadness is very heavy and I can't imagine him not being in my life. I am going to stay on this road to recovery but it is so hard without him by my side. Thanks for listening xxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by firstweek
Hi All, yesterday evening was a very sad day. My partner of six years told me that he doesn't see a future for us and wants a break. I was devastated but yet I understand. It is not easy to live with a bipolar who was addicted to alcohol. I'm broken hearted because I made it two months without drinking and am due to start my treatment (for all of my stuff) on Tuesday....it seems like I made it so far....I have to admit that when I sat alone for an hour I did think about drinking (anything) my drink of choice was always white wine and as there was none in the house I even looked at the hard liquor which I have never drank but a voice inside me said I would make the situation even worse and to be honest I didn't want it anyway so I cried some, spoke to my sister in Dublin and went to bed. My partner came home a few hours later and we talked for a while....it was probably the first time we talked so openly in about six years. I am almost 40 and told him that I wanted to understand my illness and get the help I need and I don't want to live the next 40 years swinging for mania to crushing lows. I told him that because I loved him and understood how hard it is for him and that he should go live his life (the hardest thing I have ever done). He told me he loved me and that I was always his Number 1 girl. I did manage to get some sleep and have just woken this morning. The blanket of sadness is very heavy and I can't imagine him not being in my life. I am going to stay on this road to recovery but it is so hard without him by my side. Thanks for listening xxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,636
Firstweek - (((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you so much for sharing.
You're making really good choices, both for yourself & your sobriety & giving your unconditional love to your partner. It's not what happens to us, it is how we react that counts - and your 2 months of sobriety is shining with the beautiful person that you are. I admire your strength of character.
The changes we make in early sobriety can take a toll on our relationships - which may be stressed from the pre-sobriety buildup. The reality is that we often have to be 'selfish in our recovery' and focus on ourselves for a bit before we can re-engage - really glad to hear that you'll be getting some additional support.
The only way forward (and the opportunity of a future relationship) is through. It will be challenging, but you can do this. I have total confidence in you. Particularly with a big change, just taking it day by day can help.
What is your support network like right now? I would recommend AA meetings (as many as you can do) & see join the groups post meeting for coffee, etc. I will check the list a bit more regularly - posting in newcombers or 24 hours can be a bit more active. There are also chat & online meetings here. SR is a safe place to process.
Sending warm thoughts. You're going to be ok.
Thank you so much for sharing.
You're making really good choices, both for yourself & your sobriety & giving your unconditional love to your partner. It's not what happens to us, it is how we react that counts - and your 2 months of sobriety is shining with the beautiful person that you are. I admire your strength of character.
The changes we make in early sobriety can take a toll on our relationships - which may be stressed from the pre-sobriety buildup. The reality is that we often have to be 'selfish in our recovery' and focus on ourselves for a bit before we can re-engage - really glad to hear that you'll be getting some additional support.
The only way forward (and the opportunity of a future relationship) is through. It will be challenging, but you can do this. I have total confidence in you. Particularly with a big change, just taking it day by day can help.
What is your support network like right now? I would recommend AA meetings (as many as you can do) & see join the groups post meeting for coffee, etc. I will check the list a bit more regularly - posting in newcombers or 24 hours can be a bit more active. There are also chat & online meetings here. SR is a safe place to process.
Sending warm thoughts. You're going to be ok.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,530
I'm not in a good place right now ~ but all of my love goes out to you firstweek.
Man, this is hard.
But how amazing are you....stay strong girl; you are doing so well.
Those sessions start in just a few days, and they will be really helpful.
And we are all here for you!! ♥♥♥ (((hugs))).
Love V xx
Man, this is hard.
But how amazing are you....stay strong girl; you are doing so well.
Those sessions start in just a few days, and they will be really helpful.
And we are all here for you!! ♥♥♥ (((hugs))).
Love V xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 86
Thanks all. V I hope you are ok 
Liss and Serene thank you for your caring advice.
Serene. As I am Irish living in Holland I don't have any of my own family here. But I do have some wonderful friends who are a great support so I am blessed in many ways.
It is hard isn't it!? Sending a huge hug to you all from Holland. xxx
Liss and Serene thank you for your caring advice.
Serene. As I am Irish living in Holland I don't have any of my own family here. But I do have some wonderful friends who are a great support so I am blessed in many ways.
It is hard isn't it!? Sending a huge hug to you all from Holland. xxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,031
Oooooooo I turned 8 mths on Tuesday good for meeeee lol give myself a wrap hey lmaoh have a great day everyone V how are you ???? I worry and miss you 
firstweek keep strong I'm proud of you serene it's a craCKA of a day here lol Mel hope you have a beautiful day HIiii dee hiiiiii everyone mwa xxxxxx
firstweek keep strong I'm proud of you serene it's a craCKA of a day here lol Mel hope you have a beautiful day HIiii dee hiiiiii everyone mwa xxxxxx
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