Thank you V...you sound like such a wonderful person and always have time for everybody. That's an incredible gift to us!
How lovely to have chinese with your Dad! My BF is a very decent guy but he has been hurt and has a different way of dealing with his emotions/pain. It can be very exhausting to live with somebody like me!
I know that I need to work on me and learn to love me before we can see where we are going. When he did get home he said that he still loves me but that it has been so exhausting for him that the only way he can deal with it is to concentrate on his life and for me to work on myself and then see. I think I had built up this sober time and expected to feel marvellous and everything to be great and it was until my ol' pal depression came a knockin last night .... I think he waits skulking in corners until things are going good and then steps in like the party police to spoil the fun LOL.!...
unfortunately one of the downsides of manic depression/bipolar or whatever its called these days (I like to simplify it by saying its more like an overwhelming sadness that envelops you - I believe Winston Churchill called it his black dog) . Anyhows through this episode last night I varied from tears to anger, rage, self loathing to eventually finding some peace through sleep. I woke this morning with an emptiness and sinking feeling and then looked out the window....its raining but instead of burying my head under the covers a little voice 'get out of bed and have a cup of tea and some toast' (the Irish solution to all woes!) So I did. We have a beautiful old Dutch house with big windows so I sat on the window ledge and had my tea. I looked out the window and saw the whole street covered in a blanket of Autumn leaves and I realised that through this long and lonely night not once had I thought about reaching for the bottle and at that point the darkness lifted (not totally) but enough to give me the energy to log on to my lap top and type this message. I know that I can't force this and that its going to take a lot of time and I need to learn patience. I guess time is a healer after all. Today we have a christening and all last night I was in a blind panic thinking how the hell am I go to get through the day (it is my b/f's family)....and then I realised I was actually being selfish because the day is about a little girl and so I am beating down that panic and putting on a smile for her. I sometimes feel a little bad because when I am posting I am always talking about myself! But I do think of you all and read your posts and am constantly encouraged and inspired by you all. Thanks for listening. Much love from Holland xxx
