lilac0721

Rochele: hugs to you!

Thanks to all for the encouragement and support. It is not easy to keep admitting how many times I have fallen. But I do keep getting back up.

LP: love the grounding techniques. Another thing a therapist once used with me was EFT (aka "tapping.")

Got an ok night's sleep after hitting an AA meeting (where I was the only woman of 6 people). Today is a new day.

phoebe64

Well, ask me how that went. Ugh. It was a bottle of wine + 2 beers, because once i start, i do not think i am very intoxicted. I did not think I was, and even cleaned up th ekitchen after i wrote here.

But I wok at 3ish am with the anxiety crap. Coupled with the natural anxiety I am having anyway over dad. Coupled with the way to spicy leftove Thai we had for dinner. Ugh. I finally took 1/2 a clonazepam at 6am, to try to get a little sleep and prevent a full on panic attack. I am very fragile to panic and anxiety at times like this.

That binge was a big mistake in the anxiety dept.

At least dh is sensetive. Got the kids bagels, and let me stay in bed. And My brother has seen my dad this am already. So I can go later, when i feel better.

Stoopid thing to do. Of course I was only planning on two glasses. Riiiiight.

Solidifies any question about my drinking being out of control, even when I think I was in control.

Thanks for the kind words and understanding. I plan to stay sober through all of this now. I need my wits and to function. God, my kids will need clothes, they live in track pants. Shoes. Practical matters are needing attention with his impending situation. I will have alot to do, while greiving as well.

Orbea

((((((Rochele)))))

lilac0721

Rochele, more hugs to you!

I am feeling terribly anxious right now myself. My husband is doing the taxes right now (which he can only do part of since for the last couple of months of the year I was "self-employed")
He always gets tense. I had a part-time contract position (part of the self employment), a full-time regular job that I quit in May and was on unemployment for several months. I'm just so stressed out over it. I hate his mood. I told him I would do it, but no, he can't wait. Would've done it yesterday except I was cognitively impaired from drinking so much on Friday!

And I just looked at my office phone (I work from home) and someone freakin'called!!!! On a Sunday morning!!!! WTF? Every time I see that i've missed a call especially on weekends when I DON"T WORK (boundaries, right) I feel the panic welling up in my chest. I freakin' hate that phone. I hate the people who want to call a darn lawyer on the weekends. I hate being a lawyer. I hate people. If I make it through today without a drink, it will be a miracle.

faustina

Lilac0721- Yes I agree with EQ we have all been there, I slipped a week ago, drank two bottles of wine and went and bought a six pack of beer the next day, because I hate hangovers, (just stay drunk) insane, the day after that, still feeling like crap, ashamed and disappointed with myself and sick with a hangover. I actually thought for a minute to drink a bottle of beer that was left over, and then I thought, thats stupid then it would be the rest of the bottles and going out for more and being drunk for another day......so I prayed, and asked God to take my life and will over and do what he thought best, a minute latter I dumped the 4 bottles of beer down the sink, and while doing it I actually felt some sense of taking control of my situation. Then I cried and felt better. just keep trying and praying, stay sober and a few days will pass, I am currently at day 5, feeling much better and confiident again. Lilac0721, you are being honest with yourself, you are trying to stop drinking, this is not such a easy task for sure, try today make the commiment today to stay sober, I am glad u are on our team!! We need you. xoxo

faustina

Rochele, Prayers out to you and your family, it is a difficult time, and emotionally you are so vulnerable. Staying grounded is going to be challenging, but you can do it, be vigilant and pray for the strength you need.

EternalQ

" I feel the panic welling up in my chest. I freakin' hate that phone. I hate the people who want to call a darn lawyer on the weekends. I hate being a lawyer. I hate people. If I make it through today without a drink.."

Lilac:
We care. Breathe. Let your heart love yourself, today.

TriGirl

Mom is gone. After a VERY trying weekend, I am SO grateful that I made it! And if I can handle everything that came my way THIS weekend without drinking, then I think I have a pretty good start on this! I noticed that, while dealing with all of the mom crap, I was much calmer and more in control of myself than in the past. I didn't let all of my guilt/self-loathing take over and turn me into a 13 year old again. I KNEW that I hadn't done anything wrong, that I didn't deserve her anger, and that her behavior was a result of her own mental health issues and really couldn't be blamed on either of us.

Then, when I did my run this morning with a friend, I suddenly noticed that I never got that second wind that always used to come as the last of the alcohol left my system. But I also realized that I was keeping up with her easily from the start, feeling great, and hadn't had to be miserable all morning getting there.

Finally, I was helping hubby load some stuff in the van. He reached for a big blanket to cover something, and my heart stopped. He was inches from one of my hiding spots for honey whiskey that I would slug in the middle of the night to stop the shaking and paranoia/anxiety after too much wine. Suddenly, I realized that there was nothing there! It's all gone! I have nothing to hide.

How are all of you this morning? Rochele - I'm proud of you for all of your insights and for picking up and starting again. Lilac and EternalQ - hang in there! You've got this!!! Orbea - how's the kiddo today?

Orbea

Lilac... I am a work avoider too on the weekends. Maybe someone called bc they got stuck in the pokey?

Do you suffer from winter season disorder? When I lived in new England it got dark so early! I had winter depression.

On a happy note, one day when I was drunk in December I found my lilac tree with a few beautiful fragrant lavender blossoms. It made my holiday season!

I live in a state that's almost impossible to grow those shrubs!

Orbea

Let NE know when you take off

Orbea

Crap lol that was a text to hubby

logicalparadox

x2
Oh I so know what you mean, texting is the best invention ever in my book!
That has to be a super stressful work environment. I love to help people (let's hope so if I'm going into nursing, not that all nurses are people persons) but it's one thing when I'm tutoring/volunteering/talking to friends or people here...its another out everywhere else, haha. I just want an invisibility cloak and a mute button

TriGirl- Heck yeah that's a massive great start under a lot of trying situations. (also I used to have the same thing, and ironically often honey whiskey stowed away right under the bed)

faustina- Good for you for doing that, that's awesome work.

kam00096- <3

scottish1981- I can imagine that would be super difficult to do, which team do you support? I hate how in america it's never televised--the best luck I have is to go to a Mexican restaurant to see their games, boo. (i played for a long time)

Johnny- That it is, glad this forums is such a help to us.

Orbea

TriGirl it still amazes me you were able to train through hangovers!

Boy had 100.7 this morning. Gave him Tylenol around 9:30 and he's 95.5 now. I wonder if it's his 2 year molars coming in. He sees ENT tomorrow.

As for mom's I grew up w a paranoid schizo mom.

scottish1981

Just a week only 100mg a day supposed to be 200mg but am a bit freaked out about that dose. Just back from the game my freinds had a few drinks but no one was drunk and we one 5 - 0 it was a good day still felt like i was missing out though.

Orbea

Honey whiskey is my dad's drink of choice at night. Speaking of which, I wonder if he's a drunk. I mean when I call him mid afternoon he always sounds groggy. He parties Latenight w GF. I'm surprised he has not gotten a DUI or crash w his green suburban.

scottish1981

Celtic 5 -0 winners and no booze, I'm from Linlithgow. You?

Orbea

Scottish, I have a friend who plays piano in Edinborough. His name is Martin and he had blind hair. He let me play his bagpipes once...

Orbea

Blond omg

Dmr42

Joing the Feb group this is Day 1 for me I am nervous about the night time

Orbea

Welcome Dmr42! Are you nervous bc you drink at night or afraid you won't sleep?