Originally Posted by
rochele 
OK, so I have had some wine tonight. I am not blotto, and I forgive myself. Just a blip, a bump in the road, and I know I need to stay strong. But with my dad thing, I just needed to maybe get a little out of my system, to be sure I stay strong for the real deal. It seems innevitable. I fell, but with control, having water and nursing a bottle of wine I should have dumped or put away.
Fresh start, and I need to keep it together for Dad now. My brother is a heavy drinker(well, as far as I know) and so I might be the only one holiding the fort if dad dies in the next week.
It might be sick, but I felt like I needed a planned slip, so I can now regroup and keep it together for the long haul.
I needed to be honest here.
Well, ask me how that went. Ugh. It was a bottle of wine + 2 beers, because once i start, i do not think i am very intoxicted. I did not think I was, and even cleaned up th ekitchen after i wrote here.
But I wok at 3ish am with the anxiety crap. Coupled with the natural anxiety I am having anyway over dad. Coupled with the way to spicy leftove Thai we had for dinner. Ugh. I finally took 1/2 a clonazepam at 6am, to try to get a little sleep and prevent a full on panic attack. I am very fragile to panic and anxiety at times like this.
That binge was a big mistake in the anxiety dept.
At least dh is sensetive. Got the kids bagels, and let me stay in bed. And My brother has seen my dad this am already. So I can go later, when i feel better.
Stoopid thing to do. Of course I was only planning on two glasses. Riiiiight.
Solidifies any question about my drinking being out of control, even when I think I was in control.
Thanks for the kind words and understanding. I plan to stay sober through all of this now. I need my wits and to function. God, my kids will need clothes, they live in track pants. Shoes. Practical matters are needing attention with his impending situation. I will have alot to do, while greiving as well.