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Old 03-24-2007, 10:39 AM
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I'm obsessed with answers

It's me again, upsidedownworld. Hope it doesn't seem like all I'm doing is whining and "taking" from you all. I've just been obsessed with trying to figure out why my beautiful daughter has become an addict. And I want to know what the right thing is for me to do. I can't believe I can't help her, there must be something!

She started using oxycontin about 6 months ago, then it progressed to smoking heroine with the occasional oxy tablet. She was in college (on academic scholarship, can you believe it?) and called me up crying that she had totally wrecked her finances and charged up her credit cards, paid a bunch of bills with them expecting to pay them off once she got her paycheck but never did. Could I help out? Of course I went flying down there and paid off her credit cards and helped her work out a budget. Problem solved! Now she could go on with her like lesson learned. What a great mom! Oh and did I mention that she was a pharmacy tech at Walgreens? Can't forget that piece of the story.

Well about 2 weeks later I found out that she had been paying all her bills by credit cards for months so she could use her paycheck to buy drugs. When the credit cards were maxed out she made her phone call. Her boyfriend was also wrapped up in this and it was his mom who called me and told me what was going on. So my husband and I went down and dragged them out of her apartment and threw her into detox.

Five days later she was released from detox. The transition coordinators there recommended that she go to a halfway house because they said it's really easy for addicts to manipulate their families, and that the first 72 hours after detox is the most dangerous as far as relapsing. So we chose a women-only halfway house with a 7 month program. It was very restrictive, no telephone for 72 hours, no visitors for 30 days, no male visitors for 90 days. The girls work entry-level jobs and they always go out with a buddy. There are AA and NA meetings right there at the house and they are also required to take 3 classes over the 7 months, relapse prevention, relationship something or other and one more. So we drop her off there and the next morning they called me and told me she fled. I tracked her down at the boyfriend's house. He had also detoxed and was living with his mom. He encouraged her to call me, they didn't use which I am thankful for. But she got hysterical about having to leave her boyfriend and about what she had done to her life and started talking about suicide so I took her to the hospital and they admitted her.

She is currently on the phych floor locked-in I'm happy to say. She is getting good care there. She's been on phych meds for about 8 years now but with polluting you body and mind with heroin for 6 months and then not taking the good meds consistently it tends to wreak havoc on the brain chemistry. One of the therapists at the hospital told me that they are amazed that these detox centers don't offer any mental health evaluations or anything after the detox because so many people's brains are so wrecked by the drug use. So she is feeling mentally better and everyone is telling her she needs to cut the ties with all the places, peoples, and things that she was surrounded by when she was using. She says she understands that.

So I found another halfway house that several different professionals independently recommended. I guess it has a national reputation and everyone tells me their program is excellent. It's 90 days minimum but they can stay until they feel like they can make it in the outside world (they can stay up to 2 years). I really want her to go to this one but she is petrified! She feels like we're dumping her. I'm afraid if she agrees to go there she might panic and flee. I told her she could come home this ONE time - if she relapses all bets are off. I told her she could come home but gave her a list of rules and restrictions. She has to pay rent, get a job, no nightlife until after 6 months sober (she said even to go to Starbucks to get a coffee with my sponsor? I said go in the daytime to STarbucks), ramdom drug tests, attend a meeting a day for 90 days. She wants to come home under those conditions. But wouldn't she have a greater chance of staying sober at the halfway house where there is constant support around her, and there are people who are all trying to stay sober and meetings right on site? I know it has to be her choice. I just want to know if I am correct about the halfway house being a much better choice for her, if so I can plead my case and try to make her see that all that is important is that she get well and I'll visit her there often so she won't be homesick and that I'm not dumping her, I just want her to have the best chance at recovery. So halfway house, or home?

Second question - after I transferred all her drug debt to my credit cards, which are now maxed and I'll be paying off for several years now, is it unreasonable for me to sell her car to help pay off my debt? The car is in my name and her insurance is on our policy so I definitely want that to change in case of future relapses. So I can either sign the car over to her and get her off my insurance, then she can be responsible for the insurance, or I can sell her car (my car) and make a dent in my newly acquired debt. She reminded me that she helped pay for the car, which she did, but she also acquired all the drug debt which is now mine. She is clearly not taking responsibility for what she has done and I'm wondering is that common for addicts and something they realize during their 12-step recovery, or does this mean she is not ready to work on recovery? I couldn't believe she would even ask about the car after all she's done. And about the halfway house, she keeps saying, "I don't want to be subjected to so many restrictions" and "I don't need that, I can do it on my own." It sounds like she's in total denial. I keep telling her she needs to get on this website and make that a part of her day just like meetings. I lurked around on the substance abusers forum yesterday and then cried half the day when I read the threads from two women who have been posting for awhile but recently died of drug overdoses. I want her to be as affected by these things as I am.

So if anybody's still reading this novel, can you help me with the halfway house vs. home and sign over the car to her vs. sell the car.

Thank you...
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Old 03-24-2007, 12:28 PM
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Ok, now mind you this is only My Opinion.

I am a recovering alkie/addict (almost 26 years sober and clean) and a recovering codie (almost 23 years) also.

She is manipulating you one more time. Definitely the recovery house, not your home.

Sell the car, she may rant, rave, and scream and say she made some payments. Tell her good, glad you did, now those payments will go to paying off your DRUG DEBT when I sell the car.

I know you love your child...............................I strongly suggest you DO NOT let her come back to your home until her ACTIONS, not her words, show you she is living a life of recovery.

An alkie and/or addict will say what you want to hear, just to get what they want.

So my vote so to speak is for the Halfway house and for you to sell the car.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care!!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-24-2007, 12:32 PM
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i cannot imagine the pain you must feel everyday to have a daughter with such struggles . as a mom to 3 daughters (1 boy) i just cant imagine looking at them in 10 yrs from now and having them be addicts but its soooo very real because their father is one , they can absolutely be as well . i pray for you to find the strength it takes to get you through .
it will be your daughters choice to go to the halfway house or your home if the choice is given to her . you can tell her that she cant come home until she proves how badly she wants sobriety in the halfway house for 90 days . she may find that she wants to stay when her 90 days are up . in my opinion she should definitely give the halfway house a chance , every change we make along this path is a scary one , the move from hospital to halfway house is no different but we cant let fear stop us . as far as the car goes , i think you should absolutely sell 'her' car to pay off 'her' drug debt . im terrible with my finances and when i was in my late teens early twentys my mom & dad paid off my debt twice!!! they were doing me a great favor .... not really ! turns out that 15 yrs later i cant save a penny because i have no disipline and always take the easy way out of credit card debt ... refinance my home !! i think the best thing you can do for her is help her get on a budget when she is ready and can work a pt job and teach her how to pay down her own debt . in the meantime sell the car and use it to pay down the debt . i hope this helps . lots of luck to you
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Old 03-24-2007, 12:54 PM
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Hey Upsidedown. Glad you checked in. I could have written your post about 1 year ago. My daughter 20 yr had an academic scholarship, 35 on ACT, etc. What they call a "highly functional addict". She manipulated me so much over the last 5 years I just couldn't believe it!!
Now, IMHO, that sweet girl who i raised to be great person, is not the same daughter who I am dealing with now. This now daughter is an addict and they are two seperate persons. When my daughter got out of rehab, she was so sweet to me . . . I actually thought "my real daughter' is back. Not really, she just was manipulating me in order to get what she wanted. I trusted her, not yet learning that they will do what ever it takes to get their way. It is not that they don't love us, it is just that the addict life style is more important to them at this point. Her coming back home was not good for our family. We were all walking on eggshells trying to help her get better. Worse thing we could have done. Now I realize it, lol. It takes a while for us codies to develop a thick skin and stand up for ourselves and our family.
IMHO i would vote for the halfway house and sell the car.
Good luck, keep strong and keep posting!
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Old 03-24-2007, 02:15 PM
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hi, just my opinion, i agree with laurie, i'm a recovering addict too. in early recovery, you daughter's thoughts and feeling maybe still kind of raw, but hopefully the longer she stays in recovery, the more sense things will make to you and to her. i think since she made the debt, and since you paid the debt, the car would be the first thing to go. you say that she HELPED pay for it, well, i think maybe she druged up her part, when you had to pay her drug debt, it called reemburstment.

you paid the debt the first time, i pray that she will continue in recovery and not take that as an open invite to give you more drug debt to pay, since her cards are cleared up now. i think that a halfway house will give her a better chance at getting sober and staying that way. treatment centers are just the beginning of recovery, the hard parts starts the day they leave. she thinks that she can do it on her own, but i just don't see how that's possible.

addiction is a life long process and so is recovery, there is no cure, it can only be arrested and that my dear will be solely up to your daughter. its her choice and no matter how much money you spend or what you do/don't do, say/don't say, if she is not ready to stop, it won't happen.

if i had to make a suggestion, other than what you asked, it would be to do what you can to take care of you and your needs first. keeping all of you in my prayers.
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Old 03-24-2007, 02:26 PM
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It's me again, upsidedownworld. Hope it doesn't seem like all I'm doing is whining and "taking" from you all. I've just been obsessed with trying to figure out why my beautiful daughter has become an addict. And I want to know what the right thing is for me to do. I can't believe I can't help her, there must be something! >>>>


You can love her from a distance and take care of yourself, otherwise she is going to bring you down farther than she is....





~~~~~~~~~~~~~


She started using oxycontin about 6 months ago, then it progressed to smoking heroine with the occasional oxy tablet. She was in college (on academic scholarship, can you believe it?) and called me up crying that she had totally wrecked her finances and charged up her credit cards, paid a bunch of bills with them expecting to pay them off once she got her paycheck but never did. Could I help out? Of course I went flying down there and paid off her credit cards and helped her work out a budget. Problem solved! Now she could go on with her like lesson learned. What a great mom! Oh and did I mention that she was a pharmacy tech at Walgreens? Can't forget that piece of the story.

Well about 2 weeks later I found out that she had been paying all her bills by credit cards for months so she could use her paycheck to buy drugs. When the credit cards were maxed out she made her phone call. Her boyfriend was also wrapped up in this and it was his mom who called me and told me what was going on. So my husband and I went down and dragged them out of her apartment and threw her into detox.

Five days later she was released from detox. The transition coordinators there recommended that she go to a halfway house because they said it's really easy for addicts to manipulate their families, and that the first 72 hours after detox is the most dangerous as far as relapsing. So we chose a women-only halfway house with a 7 month program. It was very restrictive, no telephone for 72 hours, no visitors for 30 days, no male visitors for 90 days. The girls work entry-level jobs and they always go out with a buddy. There are AA and NA meetings right there at the house and they are also required to take 3 classes over the 7 months, relapse prevention, relationship something or other and one more. So we drop her off there and the next morning they called me and told me she fled. I tracked her down at the boyfriend's house. He had also detoxed and was living with his mom. He encouraged her to call me, they didn't use which I am thankful for. But she got hysterical about having to leave her boyfriend and about what she had done to her life and started talking about suicide so I took her to the hospital and they admitted her.



She is currently on the phych floor locked-in I'm happy to say. She is getting good care there. She's been on phych meds for about 8 years now but with polluting you body and mind with heroin for 6 months and then not taking the good meds consistently it tends to wreak havoc on the brain chemistry. One of the therapists at the hospital told me that they are amazed that these detox centers don't offer any mental health evaluations or anything after the detox because so many people's brains are so wrecked by the drug use. So she is feeling mentally better and everyone is telling her she needs to cut the ties with all the places, peoples, and things that she was surrounded by when she was using. She says she understands that.

So I found another halfway house that several different professionals independently recommended. I guess it has a national reputation and everyone tells me their program is excellent. It's 90 days minimum but they can stay until they feel like they can make it in the outside world (they can stay up to 2 years). I really want her to go to this one but she is petrified! >>>>>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's what I see happening, Your trying to take care "The addicted" part in your daughter, that's not going to work.... If this were cancer? Yea, then good things, but your not dealing w/your little rational daughter anymore.
The fact that she even has the chance to go to detox, a halfway house, etc. is so great, but if she's not ready, then she's not ready, and it doesn't matter what you want....
Who cares if she's petrified, You know what she's petrified about? That she won't be able to score... That's what it boils down too...
I "GET" that.... My doc was Meth..... And you would NEVER believe that "I" was a meth addict if you saw me when I was or even now.. Once you start doing the drug,/s, your brain starts to 'honestly' believe you need them to live.... You feel/think your will die if you don't get more.. It's the worst feeling you can have when your coming down. That's why people do desperate things, turn into crazy people!!~
~~~~~~~~~





She feels like we're dumping her. I'm afraid if she agrees to go there she might panic and flee. I told her she could come home this ONE time - if she relapses all bets are off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well first of all its not really fair to tell an addict or to expect that an addict is never going to relapse.... It's not fair to do that to them or to yourself..
If she has a choice to go to a 1/2 way house or your home???
If you want to do the best thing for her, do not let her back in your house.
That's almost setting her up for a relapse...... It's too easy......

If she panics and flees from the 1/2 way house, then let her.. She is going to have to learn eventually. The sooner the better. You stalling her from learning isn't going to help.... I've never slept on the streets THANK GOD, I got clean before that time came, but the thought of it scared me enough to get clean....
She is not going to change unless something isn't working for her...
You doing all the work, fixing everything, lol??? do you see?
Your playing right into an addicts mind.... She has no reason to change..
And god please don't even think I'm saying she's a bad person, nor or you..
It's the drugs, it's like they take you hostage.. And I do believe more
than anything she's in there & wants to get out, but if its too easy for her,
it will just take that much longer..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I told her she could come home but gave her a list of rules and restrictions. She has to pay rent, get a job, no nightlife until after 6 months sober (she said even to go to Starbucks to get a coffee with my sponsor? I said go in the daytime to STarbucks), ramdom drug tests, attend a meeting a day for 90 days. She wants to come home under those conditions. But wouldn't she have a greater chance of staying sober at the halfway house where there is constant support around her, and there are people who are all trying to stay sober and meetings right on site? I know it has to be her choice. I just want to know if I am correct about the halfway house being a much better choice for her, if so I can plead my case and try to make her see that all that is important is that she get well and I'll visit her there often so she won't be homesick and that I'm not dumping her, I just want her to have the best chance at recovery. So halfway house, or home?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1/2 house..... is my vote.... You are her Mom, you won't be able nor should you have to Police her... She knows you well enough, to try and bend every rule, and she will.... Until she pushes you....
She'll drive you nuts, You won't sleep, you'll be sitting here on this board at all hours of the night, posting because you don't know if she's using, or where she is, or 'if her eyes were dialated', or "Why didn't she eat today", etc..
I've seen tons of the moms drive themselves Crazy.....

Talk to Big Sis, she went through this, Jeep girl, Greet, Velvet, Marteen, so many of them.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Second question - after I transferred all her drug debt to my credit cards, which are now maxed and I'll be paying off for several years now, is it unreasonable for me to sell her car to help pay off my debt? The car is in my name and her insurance is on our policy so I definitely want that to change in case of future relapses. So I can either sign the car over to her and get her off my insurance, then she can be responsible for the insurance, or I can sell her car (my car) and make a dent in my newly acquired debt. She reminded me that she helped pay for the car, which she did, but she also acquired all the drug debt which is now mine. She is clearly not taking responsibility for what she has done and I'm wondering is that common for addicts and something they realize during their 12-step recovery, or does this mean she is not ready to work on recovery? I couldn't believe she would even ask about the car after all she's done. And about the halfway house, she keeps saying, "I don't want to be subjected to so many restrictions" and "I don't need that, I can do it on my own." It sounds like she's in total denial. I keep telling her she needs to get on this website and make that a part of her day just like meetings. I lurked around on the substance abusers forum yesterday and then cried half the day when I read the threads from two women who have been posting for awhile but recently died of drug overdoses. I want her to be as affected by these things as I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cat & Greeneyes, Greeneyes was trying so hard..... So was Cat, she was a good friend of mine....... It's scary to watch what drugs do to people...
She's not going to get that just by reading it, when things are so comfortable for her. Sell her CAR!! OMG!!~~ She wants a free ride, she's not in denial, she's manipulating you at every angle she can.... Again it's the drugs..
She doesn't want restrictions? She can do it on her own?
The first time she didn't get what she wanted/didn't get her way she got suicidal???~~
~~~~~~~~
So if anybody's still reading this novel, can you help me with the halfway house vs. home and sign over the car to her vs. sell the car.

Thank you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't mean to sound harsh and these are just my opinions of course..
And like I said I don't think she's a bad person, I've been where she is.
She wants her drugs... lol, I can completely relate to that....


I say Sell her car, don't let her come home. That's the best thing you
can do for her.....

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Old 03-24-2007, 04:52 PM
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I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. Just a little over a year ago I was in the same place you are now. My 19 year old daughter...bright, talented, beautiful and on a full scholarship to a terrific school told me that she had been snorting heroin for a few months and could not stop on her own. I thought that I was helping her by sheltering her, staying with her to detox, letting her come home after detox, etc. When she went to rehab 1800 miles away she sounded like my daughter again and when she said she didnot want to stay there for a halfway house, I thought about the loving daughter who liked being a home body and always had trouble being away from home...I thought she was "cured" so this would be okay. She relapsed within 24 hours. More chaos, more attempts to get clean and more relapses...diagnosis of bipolar II; back to rehab. This time I had been working my own program, coming here and attending as many Alanon and Naranon meetings as I could and family programs at local reha centers. I was finally "getting it" that I could not cure or control her addiction. This time, before she left she knew that she had to go to a halfway house. She wanted it this time. Unfortunately there was a wait and her counselors thought it would be okay if she lived home until the bed opened up. I was very scared but I felt as if I had no option...I should have trusted my gut and said no. She didn't make it. Within 30 days, she went back out, the heroin was tainted and we lost her.

I'm not sharing this to make you sad and I'm very sorry. This is such a horrible disease that causes such pain to the addict and those who love the addict. I am sharing my story in hopes that it helps. I know it seems completely contrary to the role of a loving parent to tell our children they can not come home no matter what, but it may just save her life. The drugs she is addicted to are incredibly powerful and their pull is very, very strong. My daughter did really well when she was away from the people places and things from her using days. I truly believe that saying no to her coming home is the most loving thing you can do.

The other loving thing you can do for her and for yourself is to find some Alanon or Naranon meetings. They help so much.

Keep reading and posting...you and your daughter are in my prayers. Hugs
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Old 03-24-2007, 06:26 PM
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Thank you Greet for sharing your story. I'm sure it will help many moms here.
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Old 03-25-2007, 08:49 AM
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Thanks...

I couldn't respond last night after reading the posts. I had just been to the hospital with my husband and other 3 children and my daughter said she would try the halfway house. (moment of relief) After she made a quick trip to Puerto Rico to see her deadbeat dad who is working there. Apparently she called him and fessed up to what's been going on and he offerred to fly her out there to stay with him for awhile. This is not the good stepdad who has been in her life as a father-figure for the past 14 years, who has been at every one of her sporting events, church sacraments, academic awards, etc. No, this is the one who left when she was 7 and sees her occasionally. Oh and did I mention he's an alcoholic? But don't worry, he hasn't been drinking for like, 5 or 6 days.

When I went into the hospital I could tell something had changed. I stupidly thought that the meds were working, she was less depressed, and maybe her head was clearing a little and that's why the halfway house. But now I get it. She just found a way out so she was happy. Needless to say after she made the Puerto Rico comment we all left and she was crying. Once again, the mean mom made her cry.

You are all right. She's not in denial. She's manipulating. She's not ready. We flew down there and did an intervention because we had no idea what we were up against and she's just not ready. Last night I though I was not up to this job. I thought, how can all those women on the board be so strong and I'm so weak? I just wanted to check out. I wondered if there was a way I could get the past two weeks erased from my brain. But this morning I'm feeling better and realize that's just not an option.

So I'm withdrawing my offer for her to come home and I'm selling the car. I'll go pick her up tomorrow and drop her off at a halfway house, or she can walk out of there herself. I'm not bringing her home. I have too much at stake. Not only my and my husband's own sanity, but we have three other children and two are little (9 & 11). I doubt the Puerto Rico thing will happen, that's just my ex shooting his mouth off but I don't think she'll go to the halfway house. She's not ready and why should she subject herself to rules when she can be with one of her "friends" and have no rules?

Laurie - congratulations on being clean and sober for 26 years. That is amazing and gives me so much hope. Now I know it can be done. Can you please tell me what a codie is?
LGLG - You are right about the finance thing. She is bad with them and I can see that even if this weren't a drug thing, bailing her out would be the wrong thing to do. Thank you.
Havehope - I appreciate your story about how your daughter's coming home wreaked havoc on your family. It's hard to remember that there are other people involved here, not just the one who is sick. Thank you for reminding me that I can't lose focus on the rest of them.
Teke - You've helped me before and I appreciate it so much. No way will I ever pay anything for her again. I didn't know what I was paying for was the drugs - that was still in the days when I was oblivious to what was going on. The only reason I have to go clean out her apartment today and shut it down is because this was her first apartment and I'm on the lease. So this is preserving my credit rating. Then I'M DONE!
Done - I realize now that relapse will probably occur and I should not expect that she will never relapse. And it's true, right now I'm doing all the addict work. I wish I would have found you guys before all this happened but I never in a million years thought I'd ever be facing this. Especially not with her! You've nailed my life the past two weeks - not sleeping and being on the message boards all hours of the night. I haven't even been to work all last week but I am determined to make my life "normal" again starting tomorrow!
Anvilhead - I'm copying your words and blowing them up and I'm going to look at them and remind myself everyday "Recovery is about reclaiming the path in life that we departed from when we detoured to drugs." "Addiction is the great equal opportunity employer." "Recovery is her thesis. Life is her major. Cuz she checked herself into the college of hard knocks." Those words are so important to me because they show me that this is all HER stuff. Not mine. Thank you.
Greet - I am selfish and a coward because I can't even respond to your post right now except to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Heading to the university town today to finish cleaning up HER mess and therefore keeping myself out of a mess (since I'm on the lease - ugh!) and we are going to have a family day of it. Maybe a movie and ice cream. There! Doesn't that sound normal?

Love you all!
Paula
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Old 03-25-2007, 08:57 AM
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i think that you are one strong and smart mama. good for you. still praying for all of you. have a little fun while you're at it.
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Old 03-25-2007, 09:16 AM
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You sound so much better this morning! I am proud of you and you have a plan. Stick to your plan and like teke said, have some fun today also! Good luck with cleaning out her mess. You are a good mom; don't forget that!
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Old 03-25-2007, 09:18 AM
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Paula,

Just read through your entire thread. I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in, but glad you are feeling a bit stronger this a.m. That's how early recovery goes....recovery for us...up one day, down another. Kind of just like what the addict goes through. BUT...the good news is it can get better for you. I wish I could tell you that there is somethinng, some magic pill you could give your daughter and she just instantly get it. Oh, that is sure what I wanted for me and my AD. But I learned, through Al Anon meetings, and this board about those 3 C'sn about my daughter's addiction: didn't CAUSE it, can't CURE it, and can't CHANGE it. Also we can't control them. Lord knows I tried.

From this mom to you, I say you're doing what I would do. I've been down that path of letting them come home to live and it was a nightmare. I had a front row seat to her addiction and I don't want to ever be in that position again.

I also paid bills, saved her, yada yada yada. But thank goodness, I learned that I was only helping her to stay in her addiction..that's called enabling...by taking responsibilty from her that she should have handled all along.

And I agree with the others and I'm glad you see it to. Slap a "For Sale" sign on that auto and get yourself out of some of that debt. And remember the lesson.

You daughter has to find her own path. I know I, as a mother, wanted so badly to tell my daughter, to help my daughter, to get her to GET IT, but when I spoke, she checked out and didn't listen. The people in my Al Anon group told me that...that if and when she "got it", it would come from someone other than me. And they were right.

Heard a good example the other day. If I had cancer, would I want to talk to people who have never had cancer, take their advice on how to deal with it, what to do, where to go for help? Of course not. I would listen to the ones who had walked in the shoes of a cancer patient. Same goes for our addicted loved ones and us. When they are ready (very important words there..they have to be ready) they will listen to someone who has something they want...sobriety. And the same goes for us...the moms, spouses, etc, who want to help, fix (that's a codie). I now go to Al Anon meetings twice a week to listen to those who are making it even though addiction has touched their lives. They give me hope. I hope you'll try to find meetings in your area. I know they have really helped me.

And prayers for you and your daughter. I pray that your daughter will make a good choice re the 1/2 house. But if she doesn't, realize that her higher power has the plan. And there's nothing you can do to make her surrender to that plan. But there is something you can do to help yourself. I hope you'll keep coming back and find a meeting near you.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 03-25-2007, 09:24 AM
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As the mom of a 20 year old that has a very similar story to yours (Oxy to heroin) all I can say is that you are doing the right thing not letting her come home. My daughter is not welcome to live in my house. She must find her own way. We tried too many things in the past (rehab, bailouts, drug testing) and have decided to let her addiction be hers and her decisions be hers. She currently lives with her 37 year old crack addict boyfriend who enables her with all the free drugs she wants. I don't expect with that kind of an offer that she will be willing to accept rehab anytime soon. So I pray for the law to intervene and I pray that God will keep her safe until she decides that she wants a better life. That is all that I can do for her. But I can do a lot for me in order to make sure that I don't get dragged along with her. This is a special place. You will find a ton of experience and love here. So welcome, stick around, read and post. We need you. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-25-2007, 09:57 AM
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Another mom here. My daughter is a 21 yr old crack to heroin addict. She had 7 months clean, relapsed for about 2 weeks & now is just past 30 days clean again. I will not let her live at home. She did the halfway house & it really helped her. But she also wanted to be helped. I also feel that the halfway house for your daughter isn't a bad idea. The first time my daughter was on a wait list for a hlafway house, she never missed curfue. But she was indeed using. As she puts it you can function on heroin for awhile, you only have to do enough not to get sick. Those were her words. But since she used, they would not allow her to go in to the halfway house. So back to detox, in paitent, then directly to a different halfway house. Fortunatly, her IOP counselr allerted everyone that she was not allowed to be discharged. She had to go from one, to the next, to the next.
I don't think it is unreasonable at all to sell her car. The drug debt is HER debt, not yours. It is making her accountalbe. I'm sure as a mom, your mind will be going back & forth, like she needs a car. She will need it for out paitent counseling. She will need it for a job ect. But it was her choice to do drugs. Most of the kids & adults as well in the halfway houses do not have cars cuz they have lost them.
She may think a little more about going to a halfway house if she knows she has no where else to go. That she can't come home. I found it hard at first to say those words: "You can't come home" But each time you say it, you get stronger. Also what was difficult for me was the word "no". No..you can't have money, no..I can't help you with your bills. But again, the more you say it, the easier it gets. I am still learnig, still gaining strength, still at war with the battle of addiction.
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Old 03-25-2007, 10:25 AM
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I have a as who has been out of the house for over 3 weeks now. He's been using and detoxing for the last 2 years. Finally we threw him out with no money, no car. I am stuck with his partial school loan. He is now living with a friend who is letting him stay as long as he gets a job and can pay his way. I don't think he's found a job yet, so he may be heading to a halfway house. It took alot of courage for me and my husband to finally throw him out, but I am glad I did. Our house is so peaceful now.

I received 2 phone calls from him in 3 weeks. And all he wanted was to see if he could have his playstation. I told him he's got to be kidding. I'm stuck with his debt and he still wants. Told him no way, I will sell it to help pay off his school debt. It cracks me up how they still don't get it.

I too certainly feel your pain. Keep posting.
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Old 03-25-2007, 10:38 AM
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hi upsidedown
im sorry or all ur pain,, but ure very goodmom carringforur girl and im sure she uprecciates it even if she doent do all the recovery inone day..
!!
youre doing such agood help toher by looking at all opitions.!!!
im a wife of addict but my sister also is addict. diagnosed with bipolar,,and also drinks and who knows what else,,, so iknow its very hard,.
i think the best things is ahalfway home,, for ur girl,, i can see withmys ister,, with strangers sometiems she can act better than with us,, following rules better,,becouse strangers will not be in the manipulattion trap.
we family tend to feel sorry for them and tryto help.
and also i think the best thing is no cara t all,,, car amkes addicts get their drugs easy way,, they drive it dangerouslly,, and rissking their life and others.
be strong u soudl ike youre so strong!!
ill be praying for u!!
the good things its still early ,, your girl isnot years addicted so there is a very goodhope!!!! GOD bless u
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Old 03-25-2007, 11:59 AM
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One thing to consider before assuming her debt again in the future is something that happened because I assumed my daughter's debt. She ended up with a very good credit rating and was then able to get about $10,000 between 2 credit cards and a bank loan. Not a good thing for an active addict. If I had left it alone she would have had a poor credit rating and no chance to get "free" drug money. I refuse to do it again and her credit rating is going down. But that is her mess to clean up. I learned my lesson. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-25-2007, 11:02 PM
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more thanks

And more thank you's to the rest who have responded. I went down to the college town to pack the rest of her stuff. I still can't believe I'm doing this. Before I left I called her and told her I had changed my mind that that she would have to go to the halfway house. Of course she cried and begged to come home. I told her that I loved her but that she just could not go home. The halfway house was her best chance of staying sober and that I would do anything to give her her best chance - even if it means not allowing her in the home. I can't seem to cope with this at all. She had two visits at the hospital while we were away. Both from people we asked to see her. They both reported that she sounded positive about the halfway house. She went to her first AA meeting tonight. Can you believe they don't have them but once a week at the hospital? You'd think with all the detoxing they do they'd have several a day. When we got home tonight I called her and she was all pissy with me. She said I had gotten her hopes up that she could come home and find a job and go to meetings and then I changed the game plan on her. I told her that we changed our mind because we realized that we would only be standing in the way of her recovery if we let her come home. I told her we have the right to change our minds and that I couldn't believe she could have any anger at all at me. She got a little nicer but not much. I hope I'm doing the right thing. Tomorrow I pick her up at 12:00 and go to the halfway house. I don't know what I'll do if they put her on a waiting list but they just moved into a new facility with twice the beds so hopefully they'll get her right in. I'm going to pack her suitcases right now. Please pray that she gives this a chance. I don't know if I'm strong enough to leave her on the streets if she doesn't.
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Old 03-26-2007, 04:43 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Upsidedown.....Just take a deep breath and one day at a time...one hour at a time....one minute at a time if you have to. Of course you want to make her "get it" and "she's so smart, why can't she see what she's doing?", but unfortunately it's not easy like that. I know you want to protect her and keep her clean and safe, but only she can do that because she wants to. If you can go to some Nar-anon or Al-Anon meetings that would be good for you. Plus, someone is always here on the board for you.
I hope you find some peace soon.
((Hugs)) and prayers.
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Old 03-26-2007, 05:29 AM
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If detox knows she can't come home, I believe they will keep her as long as possable. Where I am 20 days is the longest. They say 14 but they kept my daughter 20 since she could not come home. Hang in there. You can do this. She might have a bit of an attitude for a couple weeks, but as the drugs get out of her system & she can think more clearly, you will start to see glimpses of you real daughter back. At one point my daughter told me there was a drug house dircetly across the street from detox & people were just walking over there to get drugs & come back to detox. I thought oh my where did I send her? But now she laughs, she said she made that up cuz she didn't want to stay. I think what tropik said is great. hour by hour.
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