I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. Just a little over a year ago I was in the same place you are now. My 19 year old daughter...bright, talented, beautiful and on a full scholarship to a terrific school told me that she had been snorting heroin for a few months and could not stop on her own. I thought that I was helping her by sheltering her, staying with her to detox, letting her come home after detox, etc. When she went to rehab 1800 miles away she sounded like my daughter again and when she said she didnot want to stay there for a halfway house, I thought about the loving daughter who liked being a home body and always had trouble being away from home...I thought she was "cured" so this would be okay. She relapsed within 24 hours. More chaos, more attempts to get clean and more relapses...diagnosis of bipolar II; back to rehab. This time I had been working my own program, coming here and attending as many Alanon and Naranon meetings as I could and family programs at local reha centers. I was finally "getting it" that I could not cure or control her addiction. This time, before she left she knew that she had to go to a halfway house. She wanted it this time. Unfortunately there was a wait and her counselors thought it would be okay if she lived home until the bed opened up. I was very scared but I felt as if I had no option...I should have trusted my gut and said no. She didn't make it. Within 30 days, she went back out, the heroin was tainted and we lost her.
I'm not sharing this to make you sad and I'm very sorry. This is such a horrible disease that causes such pain to the addict and those who love the addict. I am sharing my story in hopes that it helps. I know it seems completely contrary to the role of a loving parent to tell our children they can not come home no matter what, but it may just save her life. The drugs she is addicted to are incredibly powerful and their pull is very, very strong. My daughter did really well when she was away from the people places and things from her using days. I truly believe that saying no to her coming home is the most loving thing you can do.
The other loving thing you can do for her and for yourself is to find some Alanon or Naranon meetings. They help so much.
Keep reading and posting...you and your daughter are in my prayers. Hugs