upsidedownworld

It's me again, upsidedownworld. Hope it doesn't seem like all I'm doing is whining and "taking" from you all. I've just been obsessed with trying to figure out why my beautiful daughter has become an addict. And I want to know what the right thing is for me to do. I can't believe I can't help her, there must be something!

She started using oxycontin about 6 months ago, then it progressed to smoking heroine with the occasional oxy tablet. She was in college (on academic scholarship, can you believe it?) and called me up crying that she had totally wrecked her finances and charged up her credit cards, paid a bunch of bills with them expecting to pay them off once she got her paycheck but never did. Could I help out? Of course I went flying down there and paid off her credit cards and helped her work out a budget. Problem solved! Now she could go on with her like lesson learned. What a great mom! Oh and did I mention that she was a pharmacy tech at Walgreens? Can't forget that piece of the story.

Well about 2 weeks later I found out that she had been paying all her bills by credit cards for months so she could use her paycheck to buy drugs. When the credit cards were maxed out she made her phone call. Her boyfriend was also wrapped up in this and it was his mom who called me and told me what was going on. So my husband and I went down and dragged them out of her apartment and threw her into detox.

Five days later she was released from detox. The transition coordinators there recommended that she go to a halfway house because they said it's really easy for addicts to manipulate their families, and that the first 72 hours after detox is the most dangerous as far as relapsing. So we chose a women-only halfway house with a 7 month program. It was very restrictive, no telephone for 72 hours, no visitors for 30 days, no male visitors for 90 days. The girls work entry-level jobs and they always go out with a buddy. There are AA and NA meetings right there at the house and they are also required to take 3 classes over the 7 months, relapse prevention, relationship something or other and one more. So we drop her off there and the next morning they called me and told me she fled. I tracked her down at the boyfriend's house. He had also detoxed and was living with his mom. He encouraged her to call me, they didn't use which I am thankful for. But she got hysterical about having to leave her boyfriend and about what she had done to her life and started talking about suicide so I took her to the hospital and they admitted her.

She is currently on the phych floor locked-in I'm happy to say. She is getting good care there. She's been on phych meds for about 8 years now but with polluting you body and mind with heroin for 6 months and then not taking the good meds consistently it tends to wreak havoc on the brain chemistry. One of the therapists at the hospital told me that they are amazed that these detox centers don't offer any mental health evaluations or anything after the detox because so many people's brains are so wrecked by the drug use. So she is feeling mentally better and everyone is telling her she needs to cut the ties with all the places, peoples, and things that she was surrounded by when she was using. She says she understands that.

So I found another halfway house that several different professionals independently recommended. I guess it has a national reputation and everyone tells me their program is excellent. It's 90 days minimum but they can stay until they feel like they can make it in the outside world (they can stay up to 2 years). I really want her to go to this one but she is petrified! She feels like we're dumping her. I'm afraid if she agrees to go there she might panic and flee. I told her she could come home this ONE time - if she relapses all bets are off. I told her she could come home but gave her a list of rules and restrictions. She has to pay rent, get a job, no nightlife until after 6 months sober (she said even to go to Starbucks to get a coffee with my sponsor? I said go in the daytime to STarbucks), ramdom drug tests, attend a meeting a day for 90 days. She wants to come home under those conditions. But wouldn't she have a greater chance of staying sober at the halfway house where there is constant support around her, and there are people who are all trying to stay sober and meetings right on site? I know it has to be her choice. I just want to know if I am correct about the halfway house being a much better choice for her, if so I can plead my case and try to make her see that all that is important is that she get well and I'll visit her there often so she won't be homesick and that I'm not dumping her, I just want her to have the best chance at recovery. So halfway house, or home?

Second question - after I transferred all her drug debt to my credit cards, which are now maxed and I'll be paying off for several years now, is it unreasonable for me to sell her car to help pay off my debt? The car is in my name and her insurance is on our policy so I definitely want that to change in case of future relapses. So I can either sign the car over to her and get her off my insurance, then she can be responsible for the insurance, or I can sell her car (my car) and make a dent in my newly acquired debt. She reminded me that she helped pay for the car, which she did, but she also acquired all the drug debt which is now mine. She is clearly not taking responsibility for what she has done and I'm wondering is that common for addicts and something they realize during their 12-step recovery, or does this mean she is not ready to work on recovery? I couldn't believe she would even ask about the car after all she's done. And about the halfway house, she keeps saying, "I don't want to be subjected to so many restrictions" and "I don't need that, I can do it on my own." It sounds like she's in total denial. I keep telling her she needs to get on this website and make that a part of her day just like meetings. I lurked around on the substance abusers forum yesterday and then cried half the day when I read the threads from two women who have been posting for awhile but recently died of drug overdoses. I want her to be as affected by these things as I am.

So if anybody's still reading this novel, can you help me with the halfway house vs. home and sign over the car to her vs. sell the car.

Thank you...