Thanks...
I couldn't respond last night after reading the posts. I had just been to the hospital with my husband and other 3 children and my daughter said she would try the halfway house. (moment of relief) After she made a quick trip to Puerto Rico to see her deadbeat dad who is working there. Apparently she called him and fessed up to what's been going on and he offerred to fly her out there to stay with him for awhile. This is not the good stepdad who has been in her life as a father-figure for the past 14 years, who has been at every one of her sporting events, church sacraments, academic awards, etc. No, this is the one who left when she was 7 and sees her occasionally. Oh and did I mention he's an alcoholic? But don't worry, he hasn't been drinking for like, 5 or 6 days.
When I went into the hospital I could tell something had changed. I stupidly thought that the meds were working, she was less depressed, and maybe her head was clearing a little and that's why the halfway house. But now I get it. She just found a way out so she was happy. Needless to say after she made the Puerto Rico comment we all left and she was crying. Once again, the mean mom made her cry.
You are all right. She's not in denial. She's manipulating. She's not ready. We flew down there and did an intervention because we had no idea what we were up against and she's just not ready. Last night I though I was not up to this job. I thought, how can all those women on the board be so strong and I'm so weak? I just wanted to check out. I wondered if there was a way I could get the past two weeks erased from my brain. But this morning I'm feeling better and realize that's just not an option.
So I'm withdrawing my offer for her to come home and I'm selling the car. I'll go pick her up tomorrow and drop her off at a halfway house, or she can walk out of there herself. I'm not bringing her home. I have too much at stake. Not only my and my husband's own sanity, but we have three other children and two are little (9 & 11). I doubt the Puerto Rico thing will happen, that's just my ex shooting his mouth off but I don't think she'll go to the halfway house. She's not ready and why should she subject herself to rules when she can be with one of her "friends" and have no rules?
Laurie - congratulations on being clean and sober for 26 years. That is amazing and gives me so much hope. Now I know it can be done. Can you please tell me what a codie is?
LGLG - You are right about the finance thing. She is bad with them and I can see that even if this weren't a drug thing, bailing her out would be the wrong thing to do. Thank you.
Havehope - I appreciate your story about how your daughter's coming home wreaked havoc on your family. It's hard to remember that there are other people involved here, not just the one who is sick. Thank you for reminding me that I can't lose focus on the rest of them.
Teke - You've helped me before and I appreciate it so much. No way will I ever pay anything for her again. I didn't know what I was paying for was the drugs - that was still in the days when I was oblivious to what was going on. The only reason I have to go clean out her apartment today and shut it down is because this was her first apartment and I'm on the lease. So this is preserving my credit rating. Then I'M DONE!
Done - I realize now that relapse will probably occur and I should not expect that she will never relapse. And it's true, right now I'm doing all the addict work. I wish I would have found you guys before all this happened but I never in a million years thought I'd ever be facing this. Especially not with her! You've nailed my life the past two weeks - not sleeping and being on the message boards all hours of the night. I haven't even been to work all last week but I am determined to make my life "normal" again starting tomorrow!
Anvilhead - I'm copying your words and blowing them up and I'm going to look at them and remind myself everyday "Recovery is about reclaiming the path in life that we departed from when we detoured to drugs." "Addiction is the great equal opportunity employer." "Recovery is her thesis. Life is her major. Cuz she checked herself into the college of hard knocks." Those words are so important to me because they show me that this is all HER stuff. Not mine. Thank you.
Greet - I am selfish and a coward because I can't even respond to your post right now except to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Heading to the university town today to finish cleaning up HER mess and therefore keeping myself out of a mess (since I'm on the lease - ugh!) and we are going to have a family day of it. Maybe a movie and ice cream. There! Doesn't that sound normal?
Love you all!
Paula