Wife worse after rehab for alcoholism
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Hi everyone,
wife is out of detox and home for our sons birthday while deciding which rehab, if she goes to rehab, ugh..to check in.
She he is a completely different person than when she went into that place. Constant scowl, closed off. Mean looking. Her brain is beat the hell up.
I was advised by many to not discuss her actions in rehab and after. I couldn’t do it. Looking at her was pissing me off and I needed some answers, not really expecting the truth, or she had to go. what she told me worries the hell out of me. She chameleoned her way in that place. Manipulated everyone because it was easy, and attached to these men and women and messed with their heads because it was entertaining and they were disposable human beings that she could hurt before they hurt her. Didn’t matter if they were married, with kids or not, she wanted to be mean and be in control. Her words. Wtf.
She has serious **** going on that in some ways I am more worried about than the alcohol for her sake and our daughters. What the hell is my daughter going to learn from that?
Some say the alcohol is the cause, but for a few years now I’ve been commenting to her about her lack of empathy and now it’s just blown up x100. I told her less than a year ago that I couldn’t decide if she was just a run of the mill narcissist or a full blown sociopath. It’s in the eyes, and it’s unpleasant, the alcohol has ruined her or exposed her. Can’t decide and I’m not a professional so it’s nit my place to diagnose, but it’s so damn obvious.
wife is out of detox and home for our sons birthday while deciding which rehab, if she goes to rehab, ugh..to check in.
She he is a completely different person than when she went into that place. Constant scowl, closed off. Mean looking. Her brain is beat the hell up.
I was advised by many to not discuss her actions in rehab and after. I couldn’t do it. Looking at her was pissing me off and I needed some answers, not really expecting the truth, or she had to go. what she told me worries the hell out of me. She chameleoned her way in that place. Manipulated everyone because it was easy, and attached to these men and women and messed with their heads because it was entertaining and they were disposable human beings that she could hurt before they hurt her. Didn’t matter if they were married, with kids or not, she wanted to be mean and be in control. Her words. Wtf.
She has serious **** going on that in some ways I am more worried about than the alcohol for her sake and our daughters. What the hell is my daughter going to learn from that?
Some say the alcohol is the cause, but for a few years now I’ve been commenting to her about her lack of empathy and now it’s just blown up x100. I told her less than a year ago that I couldn’t decide if she was just a run of the mill narcissist or a full blown sociopath. It’s in the eyes, and it’s unpleasant, the alcohol has ruined her or exposed her. Can’t decide and I’m not a professional so it’s nit my place to diagnose, but it’s so damn obvious.
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Choosing a rehab that understands all her issues is crucial. Have you gotten help in selecting one that does more than treat the alcoholic? I see alot of great resounces from Dr. Phil McGraw's website.
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Originally Posted by Beachn 
Hi everyone,
wife is out of detox and home for our sons birthday while deciding which rehab, if she goes to rehab, ugh..to check in.
She he is a completely different person than when she went into that place. Constant scowl, closed off. Mean looking. Her brain is beat the hell up.
I was advised by many to not discuss her actions in rehab and after. I couldn’t do it. Looking at her was pissing me off and I needed some answers, not really expecting the truth, or she had to go. what she told me worries the hell out of me. She chameleoned her way in that place. Manipulated everyone because it was easy, and attached to these men and women and messed with their heads because it was entertaining and they were disposable human beings that she could hurt before they hurt her. Didn’t matter if they were married, with kids or not, she wanted to be mean and be in control. Her words. Wtf.
She has serious **** going on that in some ways I am more worried about than the alcohol for her sake and our daughters. What the hell is my daughter going to learn from that?
Some say the alcohol is the cause, but for a few years now I’ve been commenting to her about her lack of empathy and now it’s just blown up x100. I told her less than a year ago that I couldn’t decide if she was just a run of the mill narcissist or a full blown sociopath. It’s in the eyes, and it’s unpleasant, the alcohol has ruined her or exposed her. Can’t decide and I’m not a professional so it’s nit my place to diagnose, but it’s so damn obvious.
wife is out of detox and home for our sons birthday while deciding which rehab, if she goes to rehab, ugh..to check in.
She he is a completely different person than when she went into that place. Constant scowl, closed off. Mean looking. Her brain is beat the hell up.
I was advised by many to not discuss her actions in rehab and after. I couldn’t do it. Looking at her was pissing me off and I needed some answers, not really expecting the truth, or she had to go. what she told me worries the hell out of me. She chameleoned her way in that place. Manipulated everyone because it was easy, and attached to these men and women and messed with their heads because it was entertaining and they were disposable human beings that she could hurt before they hurt her. Didn’t matter if they were married, with kids or not, she wanted to be mean and be in control. Her words. Wtf.
She has serious **** going on that in some ways I am more worried about than the alcohol for her sake and our daughters. What the hell is my daughter going to learn from that?
Some say the alcohol is the cause, but for a few years now I’ve been commenting to her about her lack of empathy and now it’s just blown up x100. I told her less than a year ago that I couldn’t decide if she was just a run of the mill narcissist or a full blown sociopath. It’s in the eyes, and it’s unpleasant, the alcohol has ruined her or exposed her. Can’t decide and I’m not a professional so it’s nit my place to diagnose, but it’s so damn obvious.
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Beachn…...the tension that exists, in this relationship, sounds just wretched. From what you share, it sounds like a lot of water under the bridge and a lot of damage done, all around....(I am not going to speculate as to the exact reasons)...
I would just like to say this to you---I hope that you will consider the reality of how long it will take for her to enter into genuine recovery and return to healthy functioning....I am talking of up to three or more years...depending on how it goes.
Same, for yourself....a long time of rigorously working on your own side of things and addressing the damage that has been done and any baggage that is involved.
I think that if there is any hope for the marriage, both of you will, individually need the benefit of this much work.....A marriage that is nurturing to both people, requires two healthy people....and, it sure can't happen when the atmosphere is thick with anger and resentments.....
Some marriages make it, and some just don't.....The future has not yet unfolded.
my suggestion is that you consider not living together for a very long time....even after rehab (if she chooses)....a long time in a sober living house, or a hallway house or separate residence......while co-parenting the child, of course. You both are still parents, after all....
My husband and I owned a sober-living house (Oxford House...you can google it). The average stay was from 6mo. to 18months. Some stayed longer...2years. Most did very well, while they were adjusting to living as a sober person. Some were married with families, and had passes for family visitiations....
I think that this is going to be more like a marathon than a sprint.....
I would just like to say this to you---I hope that you will consider the reality of how long it will take for her to enter into genuine recovery and return to healthy functioning....I am talking of up to three or more years...depending on how it goes.
Same, for yourself....a long time of rigorously working on your own side of things and addressing the damage that has been done and any baggage that is involved.
I think that if there is any hope for the marriage, both of you will, individually need the benefit of this much work.....A marriage that is nurturing to both people, requires two healthy people....and, it sure can't happen when the atmosphere is thick with anger and resentments.....
Some marriages make it, and some just don't.....The future has not yet unfolded.
my suggestion is that you consider not living together for a very long time....even after rehab (if she chooses)....a long time in a sober living house, or a hallway house or separate residence......while co-parenting the child, of course. You both are still parents, after all....
My husband and I owned a sober-living house (Oxford House...you can google it). The average stay was from 6mo. to 18months. Some stayed longer...2years. Most did very well, while they were adjusting to living as a sober person. Some were married with families, and had passes for family visitiations....
I think that this is going to be more like a marathon than a sprint.....
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by Beachn
Some say the alcohol is the cause, but for a few years now I’ve been commenting to her about her lack of empathy and now it’s just blown up x100. I told her less than a year ago that I couldn’t decide if she was just a run of the mill narcissist or a full blown sociopath. It’s in the eyes, and it’s unpleasant, the alcohol has ruined her or exposed her.
As for you... you don't need to be around someone this selfish, it is bad for you and the kids. I don't know if she will get better. She might. She might not. You can only save yourself and your kids from the crazy.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
It's impossible to know. Addiction really messes up the brain. Some people recover from that because of brain plasticity. Some people never really smile again -- I used to work with a former active alcoholic who just... never smiled... or if he did, it looked creepy. He also seemed like the part of his brain that could empathize with other people was missing. His eyes were always a bit... watery. I don't think he was actively drinking. Chances are, your wife is struggling not to drink and blaming everything on the planet for it. The only thing she's probably thinking about right now is what she can't have... and this makes a person very selfish, especially if the thing they can't have is something they are addicted to.
As for you... you don't need to be around someone this selfish, it is bad for you and the kids. I don't know if she will get better. She might. She might not. You can only save yourself and your kids from the crazy.
As for you... you don't need to be around someone this selfish, it is bad for you and the kids. I don't know if she will get better. She might. She might not. You can only save yourself and your kids from the crazy.
Such great suggestions, it’s obvious there is a tremendous amount of experience here.
It’s only been 4 days, she is sober, looking for psychiatrists, therapists. Etc.
Ive run the gamut of emotions..sometimes simultaneously. Now I’m just tired of fighting this thing. It’s the 3 Cs. I literally said I surrender today, and slowly I just calmed the hell down. Curious thing for sure.
Addiction is a nightmare for everyone, I’m grateful to be spared that hell, but it even so it has changed me, my life, my children and their lives profoundly. Not least of what has happened to her. It’s a cruel joke.
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I'm really sorry for all you are going through, Beachn.
Is she still angry? Is there any sign of remorse, shame or embarrassment?
If she goes back into a treatment facility, I'd be sure they fully realize what she says she's done at the other place.
You can write out what she's told you re: flirting, being cruel and manipulating other patients, etc. and give the letter to her counselor or Dr.
Rehabs see patients lying ALL THE TIME and should welcome your input. Writing it down in a clear, concise manner will be helpful to you as well.
With the way she is behaving, I agree with others that your children and you should come FIRST. Frankly, she sounds scary as hell.
Is she still angry? Is there any sign of remorse, shame or embarrassment?
If she goes back into a treatment facility, I'd be sure they fully realize what she says she's done at the other place.
You can write out what she's told you re: flirting, being cruel and manipulating other patients, etc. and give the letter to her counselor or Dr.
Rehabs see patients lying ALL THE TIME and should welcome your input. Writing it down in a clear, concise manner will be helpful to you as well.
With the way she is behaving, I agree with others that your children and you should come FIRST. Frankly, she sounds scary as hell.
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Originally Posted by Beachn
Ive run the gamut of emotions..sometimes simultaneously. Now I’m just tired of fighting this thing. It’s the 3 Cs. I literally said I surrender today, and slowly I just calmed the hell down. Curious thing for sure.
When my AXB got involved with meth, he told me he would beat the addiction on his own. That was it for me. I left. I was so madly neurotically in love that I knew it wouldn't take much for me to come running back so I actually left the Northern Hemisphere for 6 months.
I don't think I could have made my leaving stick without doing this. 30 years later, I still see this as one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Not that my story is any help for you as your situation is pretty different. I can believe the pain is the same though. Ugh.
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Originally Posted by Zevin
With the way she is behaving, I agree with others that your children and you should come FIRST. Frankly, she sounds scary as hell.
as as far as being scary she was not like this, in any way, prior to her stay at that rehab. It’s freaking bizarre and she seems a very different person. Disoriented.
She’s coming out of a bit, but there’s this look on her face that never existed before. It’s as if she stared into the abyss and it stared back. WTF
The children are doing well, I’ve seen to that, and starting their own therapy next week. Their mother is home, sober 6 days now, woohoo. Progress. It’s not easy for anyone.
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Maybe she did stare in to it. Maybe she is horrified by her behaviour. I think sometimes people who are around an alcoholic forget that every terrible thing they did/do they also do to themselves.
The cheating, the lying, the poor choices, the behaviour in front of the children, in front of you - she experienced all that as well, perhaps in a haze, but she was there.
Now sober, she has to look at that. Not as an outsider saying wow, your behaviour is awful but as the person who actually did those things.
The guilt alone would be huge.
Glad to hear the kiddies will be having therapy.
The cheating, the lying, the poor choices, the behaviour in front of the children, in front of you - she experienced all that as well, perhaps in a haze, but she was there.
Now sober, she has to look at that. Not as an outsider saying wow, your behaviour is awful but as the person who actually did those things.
The guilt alone would be huge.
Glad to hear the kiddies will be having therapy.
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Yes trailmix, it’s easy to forget she did those things to herself, her character, reputation and family. Undoubtedly they will haunt her, even if only a small part of who she once was still exists. I cannot imagine.
Lost is is how would describe her. Incredibly so.
Lost is is how would describe her. Incredibly so.
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Beachn….glad to hear that you feel a little more settled and getting the kids into therapy.
Now....what kinds of support plan do you have for your own self?.....while she is deciding her own recovery plan...?
Don't forget that yours is just as important as hers....
I sure hope that she enters into a place that does dual diagnosis.....it is not enough to treat just one condition...if more exists....
Now....what kinds of support plan do you have for your own self?.....while she is deciding her own recovery plan...?
Don't forget that yours is just as important as hers....
I sure hope that she enters into a place that does dual diagnosis.....it is not enough to treat just one condition...if more exists....
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Maybe she did stare in to it. Maybe she is horrified by her behaviour. I think sometimes people who are around an alcoholic forget that every terrible thing they did/do they also do to themselves.
The cheating, the lying, the poor choices, the behaviour in front of the children, in front of you - she experienced all that as well, perhaps in a haze, but she was there.
Now sober, she has to look at that. Not as an outsider saying wow, your behaviour is awful but as the person who actually did those things.
The guilt alone would be huge.
Glad to hear the kiddies will be having therapy.
The cheating, the lying, the poor choices, the behaviour in front of the children, in front of you - she experienced all that as well, perhaps in a haze, but she was there.
Now sober, she has to look at that. Not as an outsider saying wow, your behaviour is awful but as the person who actually did those things.
The guilt alone would be huge.
Glad to hear the kiddies will be having therapy.
You know the saying "killing a man changes you"? I mean, I've heard it before, I think, in the movies. I think that cheating on your spouse changes you, stealing changes you, abusing your family changes you... etc.
It's terrible for the victims, but the perpetrator has to LIVE with their actions. It's not terrible if the perpetrator is a psychopath and they don't feel guilt. Often addicts are addicted because they are trying to avoid some feeling, maybe guilt, or shame... ?
Codies also have a similar problem: don't look at your own life -- what a train wreck, no -- look at someone else's life and try to fix it.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
I agree with this.
You know the saying "killing a man changes you"? I mean, I've heard it before, I think, in the movies. I think that cheating on your spouse changes you, stealing changes you, abusing your family changes you... etc.
.
You know the saying "killing a man changes you"? I mean, I've heard it before, I think, in the movies. I think that cheating on your spouse changes you, stealing changes you, abusing your family changes you... etc.
.
Courage to you Beachn
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She is a completely different person than when she went into that place. Constant scowl, closed off. Mean looking.
Alcoholism is a disease. It isn't solved simply by removing alcohol from the equation. People react differently to having their drug of choice removed from their life, especially when they are pushed into rehab. That doesn't mean the rehab was a mistake, only that more is being revealed.
One day at a time.
What have you done for fun lately? Have you and kid laughed today? Humor is healing.
Alcoholism is a disease. It isn't solved simply by removing alcohol from the equation. People react differently to having their drug of choice removed from their life, especially when they are pushed into rehab. That doesn't mean the rehab was a mistake, only that more is being revealed.
One day at a time.
What have you done for fun lately? Have you and kid laughed today? Humor is healing.
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Originally Posted by Mango212
People react differently to having their drug of choice removed from their life, especially when they are pushed into rehab. That doesn't mean the rehab was a mistake, only that more is being revealed.
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Took the kids the entire weekend for a pretty awesome adventure, with the wife. Kids had a blast.
It was weird, I was uncomfortable but tried to make the best of it. Failed at times. Just being around her literally makes me sick. Threw up my breakfast one morning. I’m not a puker. Just disgusted.
She’s in serious denial about many things. Mainly that her little rehab romance “wasn’t real”. I laughed and told her that writing down she was looking down at both their wedding rings and writing F-It is as real as it gets.
Explained from my perspective she chose an illiterate, fellow addict that is married and has already been caught cheating by his wife, besides her, 5 months into his marriage. She chose this scum bag over her family and children. As if there is anyway in hell my children are going to be exposed to this. Winners the both of them.
I may have a bigger case of denial than she. Damn.. I have serious work to do. Alcoholics can kiss my ass.
It was weird, I was uncomfortable but tried to make the best of it. Failed at times. Just being around her literally makes me sick. Threw up my breakfast one morning. I’m not a puker. Just disgusted.
She’s in serious denial about many things. Mainly that her little rehab romance “wasn’t real”. I laughed and told her that writing down she was looking down at both their wedding rings and writing F-It is as real as it gets.
Explained from my perspective she chose an illiterate, fellow addict that is married and has already been caught cheating by his wife, besides her, 5 months into his marriage. She chose this scum bag over her family and children. As if there is anyway in hell my children are going to be exposed to this. Winners the both of them.
I may have a bigger case of denial than she. Damn.. I have serious work to do. Alcoholics can kiss my ass.
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Ugh I am so sorry you are living through this, Beachn.
I may have missed it, but are you getting therapy and/or other support just for you? I definitely became just as sick as my alcoholic ex. I was heartsick, lonely, disgusted as you say, and ashamed - of his behavior, and of me for sticking by him. It took a professional therapist, and also al anon support to help me find myself again.
Take care of yourself! Your kids need you now more than ever.
SQ
I may have missed it, but are you getting therapy and/or other support just for you? I definitely became just as sick as my alcoholic ex. I was heartsick, lonely, disgusted as you say, and ashamed - of his behavior, and of me for sticking by him. It took a professional therapist, and also al anon support to help me find myself again.
Take care of yourself! Your kids need you now more than ever.
SQ
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Beachn…...those who have been on this forum for a very lng time are familiar with me, frequently, saying the following...."The first year of recovery can be so rough, that it would be better and much more merciful, for all concerned...the alcoholic and the loved ones...if the alcoholic could live removed from the family, for, at least, the first year----like, isolated, in the mountains of Nepal....to work, exclusively, on their alcoholism...…
LOL....I think your situation is an excellent example of this....
I can't imagine that, given your wife's recent detox, and no further treatment....
and your white-hot caldron of anger and resentments....that healing , in this environment, is certain to be truncated.....for all of you....
While it is nice for the family to have fun, on some form....it might be a little premature to plan high adventure Disneyland kinds of activities, for the whole group.....Sort of like asking a patient to run a race, while the broken leg is still healing.....
I think it might be a good idea to see an alcoholism counselor---one who has several years of sobriety under their belt, to guide you as to what is the best course of action....in terms of your own feelings and expectations of your wife....
I agree with you....you do have some serious work to do...
This is going to be more like a marathon, than a race to the finish.....pacing is very important...
LOL....I think your situation is an excellent example of this....
I can't imagine that, given your wife's recent detox, and no further treatment....
and your white-hot caldron of anger and resentments....that healing , in this environment, is certain to be truncated.....for all of you....
While it is nice for the family to have fun, on some form....it might be a little premature to plan high adventure Disneyland kinds of activities, for the whole group.....Sort of like asking a patient to run a race, while the broken leg is still healing.....
I think it might be a good idea to see an alcoholism counselor---one who has several years of sobriety under their belt, to guide you as to what is the best course of action....in terms of your own feelings and expectations of your wife....
I agree with you....you do have some serious work to do...
This is going to be more like a marathon, than a race to the finish.....pacing is very important...
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Up until the tornado came out of rehab attempting to put the final touches on destroying my sanity, I was in weekly therapy, attending al anon at least once a week, taking a DBT skills training class weekly to learn to cope with this level of chaos, reading codep no more, etc and then bam!
**** hits the fan and I’m off to the races trying to keep this woman from destroying her life further or dying while simultaneously learning about her rehab romance with a turd. She added the equivalent of street walkers to our very private Facebook accounts, totaled our car, ignored the kids, drank like a fish. The Queen of rehab surrounded by adoring rejects crashed and burned while essentially wasting another $30k,
Here's a fun one. As a parting shot as I sent her to detox again, she took my medication for insomnia and the polysporine I needed for a massive gash on my finger, and told me about another man she “liked” in rehab. F me.
The more I think about it the angrier I become.
Seriously. You can’t make this crap up.
**** hits the fan and I’m off to the races trying to keep this woman from destroying her life further or dying while simultaneously learning about her rehab romance with a turd. She added the equivalent of street walkers to our very private Facebook accounts, totaled our car, ignored the kids, drank like a fish. The Queen of rehab surrounded by adoring rejects crashed and burned while essentially wasting another $30k,
Here's a fun one. As a parting shot as I sent her to detox again, she took my medication for insomnia and the polysporine I needed for a massive gash on my finger, and told me about another man she “liked” in rehab. F me.
The more I think about it the angrier I become.
Seriously. You can’t make this crap up.
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